Unattainable

by Madeline Sheehan

  “Which brings me back to my original point,” she said gently. “Your shit, Tegen. ZZ and Cage. You’ve been doing well, considering, and I haven’t wanted to rock the boat, but you of all people can’t keep your feelings bottled up forever. Let’s start by why you never told me about ZZ.”

  My eyes dropped to the console between us. “Because you didn’t remember him,” I muttered. “So, what was the point?”

  “Tegen.” She drew out my name in a warning tone and I glanced up sheepishly. “Because I didn’t want you to know,” I admitted.

  “That’s a problem,” she said softly. “Usually nine times out of ten when you don’t want your mother to know something, it’s something you shouldn’t be doing.”

  My cheeks reddened. “I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.”

  “Oh God,” she said. “Tegen, no, I’m so proud of you, baby. For doing so well in school, for going to college, but most of all I’m so proud of you for getting out of here. The last thing I wanted for you was to end up like me.”

  “There is nothing wrong with you,” I said, grabbing her hand and squeezing.

  She squeezed back. “I’m alone, baby. The men I love are alone. I don’t want that for you; I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did. Which brings us to the second man in your life.”

  “Fuck me,” I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut. Cage. Damn him. I loved him so much. Too much. But for as much time as I’d put into daydreaming about Cage and me over the years, it had only taken a few short days and a tragedy for the reality of the situation to rear its ugly head. And the reality of Cage and me was so very different from the fantasy.

  Not that it mattered anymore.

  My mother smiled knowingly. “You love him, baby,” she said. “And that matters.”

  “But it doesn’t,” I protested. “Deuce told me to stay away and…Cage never once tried to contact me.”

  “That doesn’t prove anything. Have you tried to contact him?”

  “You know I haven’t.”

  “And yet you still love him.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me.”

  “Simply put,” she said softly. “You don’t want to spend the rest of your life not knowing.”

  I closed my eyes, willing my quickly rising heart rate to slow.

  “And, Tegen?”

  I opened my eyes.

  “You belong where you are loved.”

  Releasing my hand, she turned away and buckled her seat belt. We drove the remaining hour to Miles City in silence and when we pulled up to the clubhouse gates, after Bucket had buzzed us in, after our short walk to the front door, and after I hesitantly stepped inside…

  Eva spotted us first and came running. Kami and Danny weren’t far behind her. The three of them engulfed my mother and Christopher in a hug. Feeling awkward and uncomfortable, I stepped aside and allowed my mother her happy reunion. Doing a quick scan of the room, I felt both relieved and disappointed that Cage was nowhere to be found. What I did notice was Blue’s seat at the bar. Empty. Something stirred to life from deep down within me.

  It was a sort of grief but at the same time it reared to life an odd sense of protectiveness for the others grieving him. I hardly remembered my life without Blue somewhere in the background, usually drinking or sleeping, and everyone else in this room undoubtedly felt the same. And now he was gone.

  I felt that.

  And if I felt that…

  I looked around the room, at the men, their wives, and children.

  I didn’t want anything to happen to any of these men. I’d grown up with them inside this club, spent more time with them than anyone else in this world. The thought of something happening to any one of them…to Mick and Tap and Dimebag…to Ripper and Hawk…even to Jase. The thought of something fateful and permanent occurring to any one of them…

  Yeah, I hated that they cheated on their wives, that they were at the club more than they were home, that they cared more about riding then they did about making it to their kids’ soccer games. But hate them?

  No. Not even close.

  I guess you didn’t have to like what goes on inside the club to love the club.

  And I guess I had Blue to thank for that revelation.

  “What’s up, kid?”

  I glanced up and found Mick smiling down at me. “Hey,” I said quietly, and tried to smile.

  “Fuckin’ sucks that it took losin’ Blue to get you girls back home,” he continued. “But I’m glad you’re back just the same.”

  Speechless, I swallowed hard.

  “Speakin’ of bein’ back,” he said. “Prez wanted to know the minute you and D got in. I’m sure you already know he’s laid up and damn grumpy about it, so I’m under orders to take you straight to the hospital.”

  My stomach dropped. “Why?” I whispered. Was he going to yell at me again? Kick me out of Miles City?

  “Thinkin’ he wants to talk, Tegen. Apologize, too.”

  My mouth fell open. “Apologize?” I repeated.

  Mick grinned. “Fucker knows he did wrong. Heart attack nearly killed him; scared him somethin’ fierce too. He wants to make this shit between you and him right.”

  “Shouldn’t he be resting?” I said, hedging, having absolutely no desire to be face-to-face with Deuce even if he was going to apologize.

  Mick snorted. “That bastard is as ornery as ever.”

  My nose wrinkled. Great. An ornery apologizer.

  “Tegen?”

  I glanced over and found Danny with her arms outstretched, smiling at me.

  “Hey, moody hooker,” she said as she moved in for a hug.

  My lips twitched. “Hey, yourself…prissy bitch.”

  It wasn’t long before I found myself in the center of my own group hug from the women. And from the men, hair ruffles and sloppy cheek kisses were given, some crude comments were made about my new and improved backside. Anger gave me a dirty look and Bucket tried to feel me up.

  Yeah. I was home.

  “Okay,” I said to Mick once the greetings had begun to lull. “I’m ready to go see Deuce.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  He still loved me.

  He still loved me.

  I repeated the words over and over again in my head like a mantra as I paced the length of the clubhouse kitchen.

  Hooked up to a heart monitor, oxygen tubes up his nostrils, an IV in his arm, Ivy curled around his left leg, fast asleep, Deuce had told me as much. He’d also told me Cage was in a bad way, using hard drugs, sleeping around again, and shirking all his club duties. That he’d bought himself a one-way ticket to the land where few return from.

  He’d also told me to “reel it in” when I started to cry. Then he told me to “go get my man.”

  Now I was back at the clubhouse and yet I couldn’t bring myself to make the short trip down the back hall to Cage’s room. Not only was I terrified of what I was going to find inside, I was terrified Deuce was wrong. That Cage wasn’t in a bad way because of me, that his bad way had nothing at all to do with me and everything to do with what had happened to him.

  Because of me.

  That love was the last thing on his mind and instead it was hate fueling him.

  What if…

  “Fuck it,” I muttered and quickly crossed the kitchen. Slamming my hands into the double swinging doors, I headed right, then left, and down the back hall where I came to a halt in front of Cage’s door.

  After smoothing out my dress and making sure my glasses were straight, before I could think twice about it, I knocked lightly on the door.

  “What?” came the booming yell from inside.

  The raw anger in Cage’s voice made me cringe. Well, now what? Did I knock again or go inside? Maybe I should just walk away?

  I poised my fist, ready to knock again, then decided against it. He already knew someone was out here, he’d heard my knock and responded. All I would succeed in doing by kno
cking again was pissing him off.

  Blowing out a deep, anxious breath, I gripped the doorknob and slowly pushed open the door.

  His room was filthy. Dirty clothes and boots covered the floor, empty beer and liquor bottles lined his dresser and nightstand, and ashtrays everywhere were overflowing with cigarette butts. And the smell…

  Deuce had prepared me, so I’d expected as much.

  But what I wasn’t prepared for, not because Deuce hadn’t prepared me, he had and I’d cried like a fool because of it, but nothing could have prepared me for coming face-to-face with the naked brunette lying on Cage’s bed, Cage leaning over her body and snorting cocaine off her stomach.

  It fucking gutted me.

  My heart broke into a million fucking pieces, each shard ripping open my veins as they sliced through my bloodstream. I felt as if my body were failing, breaking down.

  In my haste to get as far away as fast as I could, I tripped over a boot near the door and went flying face first into the hallway.

  Cursing, I scrambled quickly to my feet and just as I was about to take off down the hallway, a large hand wrapped around my forearm and yanked me backward.

  Cage swung me roughly around to face him and I blanched seeing him up close. He looked horrible, like he’d aged years since I’d seen him last. His eyes were bloodshot, ringed in puffy bags and dark circles, his hair was longer—past his shoulders—greasy and stringy, and he was the thinnest I’d ever seen him. Which wasn’t that thin at all but for a man Cage’s size, it looked wrong.

  For a moment he just stared at me, looking me up and down, before his eyes landed back on my face.

  “What the fuck are you doin’ here?” he demanded.

  “Let go of me,” I said just as fiercely.

  “Not a chance in hell,” he spat and yanked me forward, pulling me inside his room.

  “Get out,” he told the brunette.

  Slowly, she slid off the bed and scooped up her clothing. As she passed by me, she gave me a lazy smile. “Don’t know how much good he’s gonna be to you,” she said, smirking. “Coke dick is a bitch and I already drained that shit dry twice today.”

  I didn’t think, just reacted and lunged for her, but Cage still had my arm and yanked me immediately backward. “You stupid whore!” I screamed, struggling against Cage.

  Startled, the girl jumped backward and froze. God, she looked so young. Young and motherfucking slutty. I lost it.

  “I will fucking kill you!” I screamed at her, thrashing against Cage.

  He lost his grip on me and I tried again to attack the little bitch, only to find myself encased in Cage’s arms. As he dragged me backward, the girl, still naked and holding her clothing, ran for the door and disappeared into the hallway.

  “I will find you!” I screamed after her. “I will find you and you will fucking die!”

  “Calm the fuck down!” Cage yelled.

  “Fuck you!” I shrieked, twisting wildly in his arms.

  “Fuck me? Fuck me! Bitch, you left me bleedin’ out in a fuckin’ hospital and you’re screaming ‘fuck me’? No, Tegen, FUCK YOU!”

  “I didn’t want to!” I cried. “Your dad made me leave! He told me I couldn’t ever see you again and that I couldn’t ever come back here! He told me he was going to kill me if you died!”

  Cage released me so abruptly that I, still flailing, fell forward and face first into a pile of clothing. The very second I managed to get to my knees, Cage was on me again, roughly turning me to face him and pinning me down.

  “You’re lyin’,” he spat. “You fuckin’ left me again. You keep leavin’, Tegen, it’s what you’re fuckin’ best at.”

  “I’m not lying!”

  “Yeah,” he hissed. “You motherfuckin’ are!”

  I stared up at him, into his angry eyes and his beautiful face. He looked exhausted, broken down, and high as a fucking kite.

  My gaze traveled lower, to the scars all over his chest, and my eyes began to fill.

  “Why are you doing this to yourself?” I whispered. “You shouldn’t even be smoking, let alone doing drugs. I’ve read so much about it, Cage. Once a lung collapses it’s vulnerable to all sorts of things. It could collapse again or you could get an infection—”

  “Shut up,” he bit out.

  I stopped talking and let my tears fall instead.

  “I woke up,” he said. “And you weren’t there and I thought you were dead. I thought that motherfucker had taken you out too.”

  My tears fell faster.

  “And I was tryin’ to get out of bed,” he continued, staring down at me. “But I was in too much pain and then they were restrainin’ me but I was fightin’ them off, yellin’ for you.”

  I couldn’t breathe now; I was crying too hard.

  “And then my old man is there and he’s tellin’ me you were just fuckin’ fine and you weren’t comin’ to see me.”

  He paused for a moment and I blinked furiously, trying to clear my eyes.

  “You tellin’ me he lied to me? You tellin’ me you were there, that you wanted to be there and he wouldn’t let you?”

  A sob erupted past my throat. “Yes,” I choked out.

  For a long time we just stared at each other.

  “You tellin’ me anything else?” he asked quietly.

  “Yes,” I sobbed. “I’m telling you I love you. That I’ve loved you since I was eight years old and I’m telling you that I never stopped. Not once.”

  Cage’s eyes closed and he shuddered through his next breath. Then his face dropped into the crook of my neck and his body went limp, falling heavily over top of me.

  “Don’t leave me again,” he whispered.

  I didn’t even have to think about it.

  “I won’t,” I whispered back.

  “This shit between us ain’t ever gonna be perfect,” he said hoarsely. “People ain’t fuckin’ perfect, meanin’ love ain’t perfect. But fuck, bitch…”

  He lifted his head and looked into my eyes.

  “I love you,” he said. “I don’t want nobody else. And that should be enough.”

  “It is,” I whispered tearfully. “It really fucking is.”

  And it was. It was enough because he was enough. It was enough because I was enough for him. My faults, his faults, and all. We were enough.

  Suddenly, I felt ready for whatever life was going to throw my way. I wanted to meet it head on and beat the holy fuck out of it, because this man was mine, he’d always been mine. I’d known it the day I met him and nobody, nothing, was going to keep me from him any longer.

  • • •

  Cage was praying to what-the-fuck-ever was up there that this wasn’t a drug-induced hallucination. That she was really here, telling him she fucking loved him, looking like…

  Looking like Tegen. She looked like his Tegen, his Teacup. Her red hair was cut short, not nearly as frizzy as it used to be; it was wavy and he liked it. She was wearing her glasses again, thin black rectangular frames, a smaller version of the pair she used to wear.

  She had on a simple black dress, not quite formfitting but tight enough that he could see the outline of her curves. They were small, but they were there, and she was fucking beautiful.

  Gone were the lip and nose piercings; gone were the hemp necklaces. All that remained were the ear plugs and the tattoos, which he loved.

  He’d loved all of it, actually—the Tegen he’d grown up with, the Tegen who’d come home from San Francisco all grown up, and the woman she was now, a sexy, yet quirky combination of both.

  For the first time in a year, Cage wished he wasn’t high but at the same time if he wasn’t all fucked-up, he might actually break down and cry like a little girl. And he really didn’t want to do that.

  So, in order to avoid all that bullshit, he bent his head and tried to kiss her, but she turned her head away. Panic raced through his overheated system.

  “Tegen,” he growled. “Don’t play fuckin’ games with me.”

&n
bsp; Her tear-filled eyes filled with angry accusation. “You just fucked that girl, Cage.”

  His nostrils flared. “It’s been a year since I’ve seen you.”

  Closing her eyes, she shook her head. “I know,” she said. “I just…no more girls, right?”

  “You mine?” he asked.

  Her eyes flew open, green and shining with emotion. “Yes,” she whispered.

  “Then yeah, no more girls.”

  “And no more drugs?” she continued.

  He nodded. “Yeah.”

  “Just me and you?”

  “Babe,” he said, his heart pounding. He needed to kiss her now. Right the fuck now or he was going to freak the fuck out.

  “Just me and you.”

  “Forever.”

  “Fucking shit, Tegen, yes, forever. Now shut the fuck up and let me kiss you.”

  She shut the fuck up.

  And he kissed her.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  “I think that’s it,” Ellie called out from the hallway.

  Jesus fucking Christ, he hoped so. Dirty had never seen so much shit before in all his life. Who would have thought one woman, a single woman without children, could have accumulated so much fucking shit. He didn’t have half as much shit. Not even a third.

  Maybe Ellie moving in wasn’t the best idea. Maybe being with Ellie wasn’t the best idea. Maybe having anything at all to do with Ellie wasn’t the best idea.

  “Michael?”

  Dirty’s eyes flew open and he found Ellie standing in front of him, holding a large box of books, peering up at him

  “Yeah?” he asked, his voice hoarse.

  Ellie bent down and set the box near her feet. Standing back up straight, she grabbed both his hands and knowing they were sweaty, clammy with fear, he closed his eyes again, embarrassed.

  “Michael,” she whispered. “We don’t have to do this.”

  His eyes flew open. No. They did have to do this. He had to do this. He couldn’t sleep even knowing she was at her parents’ house; he was constantly worried about her. True, he laid to rest the threat on her life but there could be another. Someone could snatch her up, hurt her, take her away from him and he wouldn’t even know it was happening, so yeah, he had to do this. He had to have her here with him, living alongside him, sleeping beside him. He had to know where she was at all times and when she wasn’t working, she damn sure needed to be right next to him.