Castration Celebration

by Jake Wizner

  “Jesus,” Max said, his eyes popping wide. “How much is this?”

  “About half an ounce.”

  Max stared at the contents of the bag in amazement. It was more than he had ever bought himself, and it looked fresher, greener than anything he could remember seeing back home in New Orleans. He opened the bag and sniffed. “Whoa,” he said. “That is some stinky weed.”

  “You want to roll a joint?”

  “Now?” Max shook his head and handed back the baggie. “I don’t think so. I want to be coherent at dinner, especially if I see Olivia.”

  “Yeah, this stuff will fuck you up pretty bad.”

  “I can’t believe you brought half an ounce of pot,” Max said. “We should definitely smoke some of that later.”

  Zeke nodded and put the baggie back in his book bag. “We should pick up some munchy food. Some Pringles, you know?”

  “Definitely,” Max said. “And maybe a couple of pizzas, too.”

  “I’ve got a boy I bet you’ll like,” Olivia said. She was sitting on her bed watching Mimi put on pink lipstick in preparation for dinner. “I met him just before I came up to the room.”

  “Is he cute? What’s his name?”

  “Max.” Or better yet, Mad Max, she thought, remembering the way he had barreled into her. “He kind of looks like Jake Gyllenhaal.”

  “Oh my God, I love Jake Gyllenhaal!” Mimi screeched, turning away from the mirror. “Let’s sit with him at dinner.”

  Olivia laughed. “Feeling hungry, are we?”

  “Ewww,” Mimi said, grabbing a pillow and hitting Olivia playfully. Olivia grabbed a pillow and hit Mimi back.

  “What are you two doing in here?” Callie said, appearing in the doorway.

  “Having an orgy,” Olivia said. “You want to join us?”

  “Olivia!” Mimi sounded scandalized.

  “Don’t worry,” Callie said. “Neither of you is my type, anyway. Come on, dinner starts in five minutes.”

  The girls dropped their pillows back on their beds and headed out, joining the clusters of other summer students streaming toward the dining hall in search of sustenance, a human mass pulsing with all the excitement and nervousness and possibility of a brand-new beginning in a brand-new world.

  Max saw Olivia and three other girls settling in at a table across the dining hall and motioned for Zeke to follow him. As they approached, Trish looked up and a smile broke over her face.

  “Hey, Zeke,” she said. “Come sit with us. This is my friend, Zeke,” she told the other girls as the boys sat down. “We go to school together in Saratoga.”

  Max smiled at Olivia first and then at the others, his eyes lingering a moment on Mimi, who was wearing a low-cut shirt that might as well have said “Boy Magnet” across the front. “I’m Max,” he said.

  “Hey, Max,” Olivia said, elbowing Mimi gently. “These are my roommates Mimi, Trish, and Callie.”

  “Hi,” Mimi said. She leaned toward Olivia and whispered, “He’s so hot,” before turning back and eating him up with her eyes.

  “So you guys are friends from school?” Olivia asked, looking from Trish to Heavy Metal Rocker Boy, and thinking that they were about as unlikely a pair as she could imagine.

  Trish nodded. “We actually wrote a musical together this year for our English class. Zeke’s an amazing musician.” She smiled at Zeke, and he looked down at his tray.

  “You write music?” Olivia asked him.

  Zeke nodded. “Sometimes.”

  “I was the one who convinced Zeke to come this summer,” Trish said, flashing him another smile. “Aren’t you so glad I did?”

  “Ecstatic,” Zeke said, taking a bite of mashed potatoes.

  “Well, I’m glad,” Max said. He looked again at Olivia and noticed that she had changed into a green T-shirt and that her red hair was hanging loose and that her skin was even creamier than he remembered. “So, all recovered from this afternoon?” he asked her.

  “Physically or emotionally?”

  He smiled, and she smiled back.

  “Why, what happened?” Mimi asked.

  “I kind of ran over her.” He recapped the story, using the salt and pepper shakers on the table to provide a visual of the collision and enhancing the account with exaggerated sound effects.

  “He basically crushed me,” Olivia said.

  Mimi looked at Max. “Sounds fun.”

  He smiled again at Olivia. “I like to leave a lasting impression.”

  All around them the dining room was coming to life, and the sounds of talking and laughter and chairs scraping against the floor echoed through the room. Most of the tables were segregated by gender, the students choosing the security of their same-sex hallmates on this first night. But for Max, talking to girls had always been easy, and he felt a tinge of self-satisfaction being surrounded now, not just by four girls, but by four good-looking girls. He began to scrutinize them as he ate, trying to rank them in the order that he would like to sleep with them.

  Olivia was trying hard not to think about how cute Max was. He was a flirt, and the kind of boy who would try to hook up with as many girls as possible over the next six weeks. In that way, he and Mimi were flip sides of the same coin, and she should just sit back and let the inevitable coupling run its course. But there was no reason why she shouldn’t have the fun of bantering with him. He was sharp, and she liked the challenge of trading barbs. Now, seeing him sizing up her roommates, she pounced.

  “You look like a boy in a candy store, Max.”

  He blushed at having been caught, but recovered quickly. “I can think of worse places to be.”

  “So many sweets to choose from, aren’t there?” she said, smiling mischievously.

  “It’s true,” he said, glancing around the dining hall. “How do you pick just one?”

  “Maybe you don’t.”

  He looked at her and nodded. Here was the spark he had felt before, and he plunged ahead with abandon. “So you think it’s okay to splurge?”

  “I wouldn’t know. I don’t eat candy.” She popped a piece of cucumber into her mouth.

  Callie laughed, and Max turned to her.

  “Don’t waste your time,” Olivia said. “You’re not her flavor.”

  Max looked momentarily confused, and all the girls started to laugh.

  “She likes girls,” Mimi said helpfully.

  “Ohhh, I get it.” He smiled at Callie and said, “We have a lot in common.”

  She shook her head, grinned, and cut a bite of chicken.

  He pointed at his plate. “Look, we both chose breasts.”

  “Oh God,” Olivia said as Trish and Mimi began to laugh.

  He turned back to Olivia. “So you don’t eat any candy?”

  She shook her head. “Just gum. I like to chew it up and spit it out.”

  “Nice one,” Callie said appreciatively.

  Max held Olivia’s gaze. “No sucking or swallowing, huh?”

  “Jesus,” Zeke said, dropping his fork on his tray. The girls, including Olivia, laughed.

  “Can you blow big bubbles?” Max persisted.

  Olivia impaled a cherry tomato. “I can pop big egos.”

  “Touché,” Trish said, and reached over to give Olivia a high five.

  “Hey, enough being mean,” Mimi said.

  “It’s okay,” Max said. “We’re just playing.”

  “Well, how about something we can all play together. Like let’s go around and everybody say your favorite kind of candy for real.”

  “Definitely Pixy Stix,” Trish said. “Remember those? You’d break them open and suck out the sugar inside?”

  “Wow, I haven’t seen those in forever,” Callie said.

  “We have this place near us.” Trish turned to Zeke. “You know Tuffy’s Sweet Shop? Anyway, they’ve got like every kind of candy imaginable. I used to go there every day after school and buy like six packs of Pixy Stix.” She smiled fondly in recollection. “I guess that’s why I’
m about thirty pounds heavier than anyone else at this table.”

  “Shut up,” Mimi said, “you so are not.”

  “I like Cadbury Creme Eggs,” Callie said. “They remind me of a vagina.”

  “Ewww, gross,” Mimi said as the rest of the table burst out laughing.

  “What about you, Mimi?” Max asked. “What’s your favorite?”

  “I don’t know,” she said. “There are so many. Maybe Nerds.”

  Olivia smiled. “You like Nerds, Mimi?”

  “Oh my God, I love them.”

  “How many can you put in your mouth at once?” Callie asked, and everyone started to laugh again.

  “Ewww,” Mimi said, blushing. “You guys are like so perverted.”

  “How about you, Zeke?” Trish asked. “What kind of candy do you like?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. Sour Patch Kids are pretty good.”

  “Figures,” Trish said. She turned to the others. “Zeke’s not much of a talker. We drove here together, and he barely said two words the whole way.”

  “I think it’s refreshing to meet a boy who doesn’t feel the need to hear his own voice all the time,” Olivia said.

  “Oh, are we going another round?” Max asked.

  “I’m ready.”

  “Please, no,” Zeke said. “It’s exhausting just listening to you two.”

  Olivia laughed. “Okay, I’ll shut up now.”

  “I like Sour Patch Kids, too,” Max said to Zeke. He shifted his gaze and looked meaningfully at Olivia. “I like things that are tart on the outside, but sweet underneath.”

  She shook her head, amused. “Who said anything about being sweet?”

  A little later, after the group had exchanged opinions about the food (it tasted like fecal matter), the dorms (way too hot), and the eleven o’clock curfew (total bullshit), conversation turned to where everyone was from and how they had ended up at Yale for the summer. When Max announced that he had come to take acting classes, Mimi nearly leapt from her seat in excitement.

  “Oh my God,” she said, reaching out and touching his arm. “Me too. We could be partners when we do acting exercises. Do you know the mirror game?”

  “Everyone knows the mirror game, Mimi,” Callie said.

  Max took a sip of apple juice. “I had an acting teacher once who used to make us stand in a circle, and then she’d call out a body part and we’d have to communicate what we wanted just using that one part of the body.”

  “Oh my God, we should totally play right now,” Mimi said.

  Olivia shook her head. “No, thanks. You actors are a bit too wild and crazy for me.”

  “Me too,” Zeke said, standing and picking up his tray. “I’ll see you all later.”

  Trish frowned. “You’re going? What are you up to tonight?”

  “I don’t know. Just heading back to the dorm.”

  “Hey,” Max said. “You want me to get …?” He gave Zeke a knowing look.

  Zeke shook his head. “I’m on it.”

  What to do after dinner became the focus of conversation. Trish suggested an ice cream place she knew about near campus, and after a loving description of the bittersweet dark chocolate—the best thing you’ve ever eaten—Mimi and Callie signed on.

  “You guys are coming, too, right?” Mimi asked Olivia and Max.

  “I’m going to pass,” Olivia said, standing and picking up her tray. “I’ll see you guys back at the dorm.”

  “I’ll go with you,” Max said, jumping up. “I should finish unpacking.”

  “You’re not coming?” Mimi said, giving Max a pouty look. “Come on. You can unpack later.”

  Max looked from Mimi to Olivia.

  “Go ahead,” Olivia said. “I can walk back by myself.”

  Max hesitated a moment, and then looked purposefully at his watch. “I need to head back. I’ve got some stuff I have to finish.” He turned to Olivia and raised his eyebrows.

  She looked at Mimi and shrugged. “See you guys later, I guess,” she said, and marched off to bus her tray, with Max trailing behind.

  They exited the dining hall and followed a small group of summer students back out onto York Street.

  “You don’t mind that I left with you, do you?” Max asked.

  She turned to him. “No, why?”

  “I don’t know,” he said, looking straight ahead. “It kind of seemed like you wanted me to go with them.”

  She laughed. “I think that’s what Mimi wanted.”

  He nodded and grinned. “You think?”

  “Oh, yeah. I’m sure she would have loved to share something sweet with you.”

  They turned right off York onto Elm Street. “That’s not really the taste I’m in the mood for,” Max said.

  Olivia grimaced and quickly recovered without Max noticing. She continued to walk forward without talking, and without responding to what Max had said.

  “Have you been here before?” he asked.

  “To New Haven?”

  He nodded.

  “Yeah. I live in Hartford.”

  “Insurance capital of America,” Max said.

  They arrived back at the Old Campus and walked into the courtyard and toward the dorm.

  “So,” Max said, “what are you up to now?”

  Olivia shrugged. “Getting ready to start classes tomorrow, you know.”

  “You want to go sit on the stairs over there for a little?” He pointed across the courtyard.

  “I don’t know,” she said. “I think I might just head in.”

  “Come on,” he said, taking her hand. “It’s so nice out.”

  She gently detached her hand from his.

  “Sorry,” he said.

  She stopped, and they stood there looking at each other. “Listen,” she said. “I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea at dinner.”

  Max forced a smile. “It’s okay. I wasn’t making a pass at you or anything.”

  She gave him a skeptical look. “You weren’t?”

  He shrugged. “Well, maybe I was a little bit.”

  She shook her head. “We just met, Max.”

  “Haven’t you ever heard of love at first sight?” he said halfjokingly.

  “Oh, Jesus.” She started walking again toward the dorm.

  “You have a boyfriend, don’t you?” Max said, hurrying to catch up.

  She shook her head. “No.”

  “So what is it then?”

  “I’m here to work this summer,” she said, without breaking stride.

  “So am I. It doesn’t mean we can’t have fun.”

  “We don’t even know each other. You don’t know anything about me.”

  “I know you don’t have a boyfriend,” he said. “And I assume you’re not a lesbian.”

  She smiled, despite herself. “It’s not going to happen, Max.”

  “Why not?”

  “It’s just not.” They were right outside the dorm now and she stopped and faced him. “Look, I’m sure there are plenty of girls here who would be happy to go out with you. Mimi was practically drooling on you at dinner.”

  “Drooling? Wow. Come on, Olivia, do you think I’m interested in a girl who can’t hold on to her own saliva?”

  “Aren’t you?”

  “No.” He reached out and took her hand again. “At least not Mimi’s saliva,” he said more softly.

  She looked at him for a second, and then gently pulled her hand away. “I’m going to go in now,” she said.

  She turned her back and walked quickly inside, leaving Max to wonder how something that had seemed so right had suddenly gone so wrong.

  Zeke had dimmed the lights in the room, stuffed a towel under the door, and put Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon on the iPod. The joint he had rolled was a masterpiece—tightly packed, perfectly cylindrical, and burning strong as he and Max passed it back and forth. When Zeke held the joint, it conformed to his hand like a sixth finger, and when he put it to his mouth, he inhaled long and deep
, never coughing, just cradling the smoke in his mouth and lungs and then releasing it into the air in a majestic burst.

  Max felt the room starting to spin, and so when Zeke held out the joint to him yet again, he just shook his head.

  “You pretty baked?” Zeke asked.

  “Oh my God, I’m fried out of my mind.”

  Zeke smiled, took another hit, and stubbed out the joint. “Told you this shit was good.”

  “It’s like Superweed,” Max said, stretching out on his bed but using his pillow to keep his head propped up. “More powerful than a bird, stronger than a plane, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Superweed.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?” Zeke said, laughing.

  “Holy shit, I can’t even talk straight.”

  Zeke took a sip of water and smiled. “Good thing you’re a lightweight. I need this shit to last me all summer.”

  “I think you have enough,” Max said.

  “I’ve got a friend back home who would smoke this in a week.”

  “Are you serious?” Max said, laughing. “No way.”

  “I’ve seen him do it.” Zeke reached for his water bottle and took a long drink.

  Max lifted his hand in front of his face and stared at it intently. “Have you ever really looked at your hand before? It’s pretty wild.”

  “Try saying the alphabet backward,” Zeke said.

  Max dropped his hand and made a serious effort to focus. “Z, Y, X.” He paused for a second to run through the letters in his head. “W, U, V … Fuck, I can’t deal with that right now.”

  “Check this out,” Zeke said. And without warning he rattled off the backward alphabet at lightning speed.

  “Whoa,” Max said, looking thoroughly spooked. “Dude, don’t ever do that again when I’m high.”

  Zeke laughed. “That’s fucked up, right?”

  “I think I need to lie down.” Max placed his pillow flat on the bed and sank down on his back. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been so high, and this, combined with the strangeness of the whole day, was making him feel thoroughly disoriented. If he could just sleep now, he would wake up with a clear head and be able to start fresh. He tried closing his eyes, and as he did, his cell phone rang, and he sat up with a jolt and looked at the caller ID. “Oh, shit,” he said.