Castration Celebration

by Jake Wizner

  JANE: Of course. (playfully) Sam will be excited.

  AMBER: Shut up.

  JANE: You know he’s in love with you, right?

  AMBER: He’s your brother, Jane, and he’s like thirteen. I’m not that depraved.

  JANE: You could make a young boy very happy.

  AMBER: Oh my God, you’re worse than I am. Can we just go to your house and like watch a movie or something?

  JANE: Sure. Have you seen Harold and Maude?

  AMBER: I don’t think so. What’s it about?

  JANE: It’s kind of an unconventional love story.

  AMBER: That sounds good.

  JANE: Yeah. It’s one of Sam’s favorites.

  (Curtain)

  It was almost eleven o’clock, and Max was feeling randy. The curfew did not restrict students from visiting other rooms, so Max headed upstairs and knocked on the girls’ door.

  They were all there, hanging out in the common room. Max settled himself on a couch next to Mimi, who had patted the seat next to her and told him to come sit. He would have preferred to sit next to Olivia, but he wasn’t complaining. Just being here with four girls, the air felt charged with erotic possibility.

  “What’s Zeke up to?” Trish asked, trying to sound as casual as possible.

  “He’s actually working on the music for your play,” Max said to Olivia. “I tried to get him to come up with his guitar, but he didn’t want to.”

  “The stuff he’s writing is amazing,” Olivia said to Trish. “He played some for me before.”

  “I told you,” Trish said.

  “Hey,” Mimi said, looking meaningfully at Trish. “Maybe he wants some company downstairs.”

  “Shut up, Mimi,” she said, blushing. “Olivia, read us the scene you were working on in class today. She has this one song where the guys are singing about how horny they are. I thought I was going to die I was laughing so hard.”

  “I’d like to hear it,” Max said.

  Olivia shook her head. “I don’t think so.” The song—the whole scene actually—was about as obscene and inappropriate as anything she had ever written.

  “Come on.” Mimi clapped. “Please.”

  “We don’t need a song,” Callie said. “Everyone knows boys walk around like dogs in heat.”

  “Woof, woof,” Max barked.

  “Hey,” Olivia said to Callie, trying to divert attention from her play. “I heard you did a pretty good imitation of Max the other day.”

  “Oh my God,” Mimi said. “Max, do your imitation of Mr. Wells.”

  Max hesitated, but Mimi grabbed his hand and pulled him up.

  “Get up,” she said to the other girls. “We’ll pretend to be students in the class.”

  They stood, and Max eyed them lecherously “All right then, class,” he said in a dead-on impression of Mr. Wells. “Stand straight, arms by your sides, breasts thrust out.”

  The girls cracked up.

  “Focus,” Max yelled. “The professional actor does not laugh in the middle of a scene, unless that scene calls for laughter.” He glared at the girls, who struggled to keep straight faces.

  “We will now commence to exercise our tongues,” he said.

  Trish lost it first, and then, like dominoes, each of the others fell into a fit of hysterics.

  When they sat back down, Olivia noticed that Mimi had moved closer to Max and was sitting so their bodies were touching. Max didn’t seem to mind, nor did he object to the fact that she kept finding reasons to touch him as they talked.

  Hussy, she thought, and then scolded herself for feeling jealous. She could have gone out with him if she had wanted and she had chosen not to. Why should she care if he and Mimi hooked up? But obviously she did care. She thought about what was happening in her play. Maxine had said to write what you want to find out, and all of a sudden her main character was throwing caution to the wind and letting herself fall for a boy, who would probably be nothing but trouble.

  She watched Mimi curl her legs under her on the couch and lean into Max.

  “I’m going to say good night,” Olivia said, getting up and stretching.

  Max stared at her and frowned. “Already? It’s still early.”

  “It’s almost midnight,” she said, looking at her watch.

  He stood up. “Well, I guess I should head downstairs.”

  “No, stay a while,” Mimi said, taking his arm and gently pulling him back on the couch.

  He met Olivia’s eyes, and she flashed him a tight smile. “Good night, everyone,” she said. As she disappeared into the bathroom, Mimi melded herself into Max’s body.

  “I’m going to go get ready for bed, too,” Callie said. “You coming, Trish?” She gave her roommate a knowing look.

  Trish looked at Mimi curled up next to Max on the couch and stood up. “Good night,” she said, walking into her room, staring at herself in the mirror and pinching the fat on her stomach.

  Max understood what was happening, and he felt a mixture of nervous excitement and uncertainty. He was not new at this, and every signal Mimi was throwing out was for him to lean over and start kissing her as soon as the coast was clear. A part of him wanted to, but could he do that when Olivia was the one he really liked? Even if this was just a casual hookup, the girls would talk, and then the whole thing would start to get really complicated. Why couldn’t it be Olivia who was out here with him now?

  It took a few minutes for everybody to finish in the bathroom and close bedroom doors, but as soon as they did, Mimi moved even closer and began to trace her fingers up his arm. “Hi,” she said.

  Her breasts were pushing into him and he felt himself becoming slightly aroused. Should he kiss her? What if somebody walked in? He pulled back and looked at the closed doors.

  “They won’t come out,” Mimi said.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Come on.” She took him by the hand, led him into the bathroom, and locked the door. “Now,” she said, turning and facing him.

  His mind felt strangely blank as they kissed, and he was only vaguely aware of her hands pulling him closer into her. After a few seconds, she stopped and took a step back.

  “What’s the matter?” she asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Were you even kissing me?”

  “I thought I was.”

  She shook her head. “It didn’t feel like it.”

  It was true, he realized, that his head and heart were someplace else. “I’m just tired, I guess,” he said.

  She smiled sympathetically. “I know what it is. You like Olivia, don’t you?”

  He looked away, embarrassed.

  “It’s okay,” she said. “I kind of had a feeling from the first night.” She took his hand and waited for him to look at her. “Really, don’t worry.”

  “I feel bad.”

  “It’s okay,” Mimi said. “You’re not a very good kisser, anyway.”

  Max laughed. “That was pretty bad, wasn’t it?”

  “It was kind of like kissing a dead fish.”

  “Ouch. And now you’re going to spend the summer thinking I’m the world’s worst kisser.” He shook his head in mock despair.

  “Don’t worry. I won’t tell Olivia.”

  “Don’t tell her about any of this, okay?” Max said.

  “I won’t,” she said without a trace of hurt or anger.

  He opened his arms and hugged her. “You’re the best, you know that?”

  She pulled away and smiled. “Too bad you’ll never find out.”

  After Max left, Mimi eased open her bedroom door, but found Olivia awake, hunched over in bed writing.

  “You’re still up,” she said.

  Olivia closed her notebook. “Did Max leave?”

  “Yeah.” She grabbed a towel and her toothpaste and tried to avoid eye contact. “I’m going to go wash up for bed,” she said.

  Olivia watched her hurry out. Had anything happened? A part of her was dying to know, and another part of
her was working hard to convince herself that she shouldn’t care. How long had it been since she left them? Only about twenty minutes, so not enough time for anything major. Should she ask Mimi when she came back? Or would that make it obvious that she was interested? Maybe she could just joke about how touchy-feely they had been. God, what the hell was the matter with her? She was turning into the kind of girl she would normally mock.

  As it turned out, Olivia did not have to say anything. With the lights out and both girls in bed, Mimi opened the conversation.

  “Max totally likes you,” she said.

  Olivia felt a shiver run through her body. “Did he say something to you?”

  “It was more the way he acted.”

  Olivia turned on her side, so she was facing Mimi’s bed.

  “Do you like him?” Mimi asked after a few seconds had passed.

  “I’m off boys this summer, remember?”

  “You’re sure?”

  “Look,” Olivia said a bit testily, “if you’re asking if it’s okay for you to go after him, I already told you it’s fine.” She caught herself, and her voice took on a more playful quality. “I mean, you guys looked to be getting along pretty well tonight yourselves. I almost thought you might start making out right in front of us.”

  Mimi giggled. “Shut up, we so were not.”

  “I half expected to wake up this morning and find the two of you naked on the couch together.”

  “Ewww!” Mimi screeched.

  “I’m just playing with you.”

  “Play with yourself,” Mimi said, and then, as Olivia laughed, added, “that’s not what I meant.”

  “So nothing happened between you and Max tonight?” Olivia asked.

  Mimi hesitated. “No, not really.”

  “You can tell me,” Olivia said. “I don’t care.”

  “Nothing happened.”

  “Whatever,” Olivia said.

  They were both quiet after that, and Olivia turned onto her back and closed her eyes.

  “Okay,” Mimi said, as the silence stretched out. “Here’s what happened. I kissed him, but he didn’t kiss me back.”

  “I don’t care,” Olivia said. “Really.”

  Mimi sat up in bed. “Are you angry?”

  “Why would I be angry? I was the one who tried to pimp you off on him in the first place.”

  Mimi laughed. “Don’t tell Max I told you. I promised him I wouldn’t.”

  “I thought you said he didn’t do anything.”

  “He didn’t.”

  “So why would he care?”

  “I don’t know. He just said not to tell you.”

  Olivia turned over and stared at the wall. She didn’t need this kind of distraction. Let Max and Mimi do whatever they wanted. She was here this summer to write, and to hell with everything else.

  CASTRATION CELEBRATION

  Act 2, scene 2

  (Dick is at his locker. Sluggo and Biff approach and stand menacingly on either side of him. Nobody else is in the hallway.)

  SLUGGO: We need to talk, man. (Biff nods.)

  DICK (looking from one to the other and registering the serious looks on their faces): Okay. What’s up?

  SLUGGO: Me and Biff, we weren’t gonna say anything, but you’ve been acting a little (pauses, searching for the right word) strange lately. (Biff nods.)

  DICK: What do you mean strange?

  BIFF: Like a faggot.

  SLUGGO: Easy, Biff. (addressing Dick) You know. Acting all goody-goody in class, going bowling on Saturday night, following Jane around like some whipped puppy.

  BIFF: Bowling is for faggots.

  SLUGGO: Biff. (gives him a look, and then turns back to Dick) I mean, I’m the first to understand that sometimes you have to make some sacrifices to get a good piece of pussy, but don’t you think this is a bit too much?

  DICK: Guys. Who are you talking to here?

  BIFF: Good fucking question.

  SLUGGO: Listen, Dick. We’re just looking out for you. People have been talking, you know. It doesn’t look so good for you to be tying yourself down to one girl. I mean, come on, man, you should be out there slamming as many chicks as possible.

  DICK: You’re talking to me about slamming chicks? I’ve slammed more chicks than anyone in this goddamn school.

  SLUGGO: That’s what I’m saying. Don’t you miss it?

  DICK: You’re talking to me like I’m some old married man.

  BIFF: That’s the way you’re acting.

  SLUGGO: What you need to do is come out with us Saturday night. We’ll cruise around, pick up some girls. Just like old times.

  BIFF (thrusting his hips back and forth): Yeah. Bang, bang, bang.

  SLUGGO: Easy, Biff.

  DICK: Listen, guys. I appreciate your concern. Really. But I’ve got a good thing going with Jane right now, and I don’t want to mess it up.

  SLUGGO: Who said anything about messing it up? You can date this chick and still get a little something on the side without her knowing, right? It’s not like you’ve never double-dipped before.

  DICK: This is different.

  BIFF: Fuck that. I don’t care if this girl is the world-champion cocksucker, you don’t tie yourself down to one chick when you’re still in high school. Do you have any idea how much good pussy there is out there? You know Wilt Chamberlain? You know how many women he fucked? Twenty thousand. Twenty-fucking-thousand.

  DICK: Okay, first of all, that’s total bullshit. That would be like a different woman every single day for sixty years.

  SLUGGO: Or two women a day for thirty years.

  BIFF: Or four women a day for fifteen years. Some days he probably banged ten women. The point is, can you imagine if when he was seventeen he had said he was going to stick to one girl and not screw anybody else? Can you even conceive of the amount of pussy he never would have sampled?

  SLUGGO: It’s a good point, Dick. I mean, if you lined all that pussy up, it would probably stretch from here to China.

  BIFF: You ever fucked a Chinese girl, Dick?

  DICK: No.

  BIFF: Me neither. That’s like a whole continent of pussy just waiting for us.

  DICK: Dude, you’re out of control.

  SLUGGO: Hey, I’ve got a joke. A guy’s getting it on with this Chinese chick, and she whispers in his ear, “Tell me what you want.” So he says, “I want 69,” and she looks all confused, and then says, “You want beef with broccoli?”

  DICK (laughing): That’s horrible, man.

  BIFF: Jesus, I’m horny.

  DICK: You’re always horny.

  BIFF: Fuck, yeah.

  “Horny”

  (Biff, with feeling)

  Horny, horny, horny

  Starting in the morning

  The moment I wake up in my bed

  To the bathroom, bolt the lock

  Touch my cock, it’s like a rock

  I want a girl right here to give me head

  She’s not here, but I don’t mope

  In the shower with some soap

  I give myself some loving instead.

  (Sluggo and Biff)

  Soapin’ up, whackin’off

  Whackin’ off, soapin’ up

  Soapin’ up, whackin’ off

  My meat

  Whackin’ off, soapin’ up

  Soapin’ up, whackin’ off

  Whackin’ off, soapin’ up

  My meat

  (Sluggo, singing directly to Dick)

  Ladies, ladies, ladies

  I don’t want no babies

  Just sex without responsibility

  A diaphragm or the Pill

  Will do the trick, and it will

  Let me keep my willy good and free

  I hope you don’t give me a

  Case of gonorrhea

  I’ve already got my share of STDs

  (Sluggo and Dick, who gains momentum)

  Soapin’ up, whackin’ off

  Whackin’ off, soapin’ up

 
Soapin’ up, whackin’ off

  My meat

  Whackin’ off, soapin’ up

  Soapin’ up, whackin’ off

  Whackin’ off, soapin’ up

  My meat

  (Dick, by now completely swept up

  in the playful mood)

  Threesome, threesome, threesome

  How can I get me some?

  Ladies, won’t you call up your friends?

  All the possibilities

  To test our flexibilities

  I’d like to see how far your bodies bend

  The things we will be doing

  Like the pornos I’ve been viewing

  (Jane walks onstage. Dick lowers his voice.)

  Here comes Jane, and so this song must end.

  DICK: All right, guys. Saturday night. Now get out of here.

  SLUGGO: That’s what I’m talking about.

  (Sluggo and Biff exit. Jane walks over with a puzzled look on her face.)

  JANE: What was that all about?

  DICK: Nothing. They wanted to know if I had any extra tickets to the opera.

  JANE (laughing): I don’t know why you still hang out with those guys.

  DICK: They’re not so bad.

  JANE: They’re not so good.

  DICK (purposely changing the subject): Hey, you want to come over tonight? The house will be empty.

  JANE (smirking): To do what?

  DICK (with a devilish smile): I don’t know. Maybe you can help me with some biology work. (takes Jane in his arms)

  JANE (kissing him): What exactly are you having trouble with?

  DICK: All this stuff about female anatomy. It’s hard for a guy to keep it all straight.

  JANE: Maybe you need some private tutoring.

  DICK (stroking Jane’s cheek seductively): Maybe I do.

  JANE (smiling): I think Ms. Bruno has office hours this afternoon. Why don’t you stop by?

  DICK: Good idea. A woman in her sixties might be able to teach me a few things I don’t know. I think she does yoga. Probably very flexible.