Castration Celebration

by Jake Wizner

  JANE: He’s sexy.

  AMBER: He’s a pimp.

  JANE: He’s hot. Anyway, I’m really not interested in sleeping with anyone other than Dick.

  AMBER: So you guys are sleeping together now? About time.

  JANE: What do you mean about time? We’ve only been dating a month.

  AMBER: Is he good in bed?

  JANE: None of your business.

  AMBER: I guess that means no.

  JANE: It means none of your business. (Amber smiles, and then Jane smiles, too.) All right, he’s fantastic, but it’s not like I have much basis for comparison.

  AMBER: That’s for sure. (struck by a sudden realization) Wait. Was this—

  JANE (smiling): Uh-huh.

  AMBER: Oh my God, this is huge! When did it happen?

  JANE (whispering excitedly): Last weekend. You’re the first person I’ve told. Oh my God, I was so nervous, but Dick was really patient and gentle, and he kept asking me if I was okay. It hurt a little the first time, but we’ve done it twice since then and it’s been amazing.

  AMBER (excited, clapping her hands): Yayyy! Now come on, let’s have the details.

  JANE: I just told you.

  AMBER: Oh, come on. I want the juicy stuff.

  JANE: I’m not going to tell you that.

  AMBER: Why not?

  JANE: It’s private.

  AMBER: All right, be that way. But don’t expect me to share my sex stories with you anymore.

  JANE: Is that a promise?

  AMBER: Shut up. You know you love them.

  JANE: Not as much as you love telling them.

  AMBER: Come on. Please?

  (Jane hesitates.)

  AMBER: Please?

  JANE (smiles and starts to sing):

  “I’m in Love with Dick”

  Well, we went back to Dick’s room

  Last Saturday night

  We sat on his bed, we held each other tight

  His parents were out late, the whole house was free

  I looked at Dick, and Dick looked at me

  I saw he was excited, I knew without a doubt

  That he would like to love me inside and out

  I was feeling nervous, not sure if I should

  But something about him made me feel so good

  He was really gentle, never pushed too much

  Helped me open up, helped me get in touch

  With a part of myself I’d always kept suppressed

  And now I understand when people

  Say that he’s the best

  Some might call him cocky, he does have a big head

  I’d say confident, assertive are better words instead

  Before I got to know him, I wondered if we’d click

  Now I know for sure that I’m in love with Dick

  Yeah, now I know for sure that I’m in love with Dick

  AMBER (laughs): What have I been telling you?

  JANE: I know. You were right.

  AMBER: So now that we’ve gotten you laid, we need to find me a boyfriend.

  JANE: My brother’s available.

  AMBER: I see why you like that guy from Deadwood. You’re a pimp, too.

  (The girls start to laugh. There is the sound of voices in the distance, and Dick, Sluggo, and Biff appear on the other side of the stage.)

  BIFF: So come on, man, what happened? You were in the bathroom with her forever.

  SLUGGO: Please tell me you at least got a blow job.

  DICK (with a little smile): Whatever. She was drunk. It was no big deal.

  SLUGGO (excitedly): You’re the man. See that, Biff. First time out in a month and he scores. We go out every week, and the best I can do is grope some chick in a crowded bar when she’s not looking.

  (They are now within earshot of Jane and Amber but are too caught up in their conversation to realize they are not alone.)

  BIFF (to Dick): Did you fuck her?

  DICK: Nah. I’m not gonna fuck a girl in a dirty bathroom stall.

  BIFF: Yeah, right. (All three start to laugh.)

  DICK: Listen. I’ve got a good thing going with Jane, so this stays with us, you understand.

  SLUGGO: Chill, man. It’s not like we’ve never cheated before.

  (Amber is about to step forward, but Jane holds her back. She has a dazed and horrified expression.)

  DICK: Okay, then. Remember. I was in Marksburg tonight at a family reunion, visiting my dying aunt.

  BIFF: Couldn’t you come up with something more original? You always use that same story.

  DICK: Well, it always works, doesn’t it? You got to understand the female psyche. When you talk about going to a family reunion, they think you’re going to be a good family man. It’s evolutionary. Girls are looking for someone who will be a good husband and a good father. Then when you throw in the shit about a dying relative, they think you’re all caring and sensitive and that if they ever get sick you’ll spend your every waking hour sitting by their hospital bed.

  SLUGGO: Yeah, hitting on the nurses.

  DICK: That’s what I’m talking about.

  JANE (stepping forward, tears in her eyes): You filthy piece of shit.

  DICK (startled): Jane. What are you—

  JANE: You filthy, lying sack of shit.

  DICK: Jane, calm down. Let me explain.

  AMBER (stepping forward and speaking angrily): Explain what? We heard the whole conversation.

  BIFF: Hey, Amber.

  DICK (approaches Jane): It’s not what you think.

  JANE (hysterical): Get away from me. Just stay the fuck away. (She runs off.)

  AMBER: Asshole. (runs after Jane)

  DICK: FUCK! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!

  SLUGGO: That sucks, man.

  BIFF: You see that? That bitch Amber acting like she doesn’t even know who I am.

  DICK: I’ve gotta go. (runs off after Jane and Amber, calling Jane’s name)

  (Curtain)

  Fate works in mysterious ways, and it was certainly working mysteriously at seven a.m. that Saturday. As Max trudged down Elm Street, eyes on the ground, shoulders sagging, hair uncombed, he heard his name and looked up to see Trish walking toward him. She was wearing biker shorts and a T-shirt and her face was red and she was sweaty and out of breath.

  “What are you doing up so early?” she asked as they came together near the campus gate.

  Max shrugged and forced a smile. “Just walking.”

  Trish wiped her face with her sleeve. “Sorry I’m so sweaty. I was jogging.” She looked at him more closely and grinned. “You look like you’ve been out all night.”

  He hesitated and then looked away. She was staring at him, and he felt a sheepish expression come over his face.

  “Oh my God, you were!” she yelped.

  Why was she so loud? His head was throbbing, and all he wanted was to get back to his room and go to sleep.

  “Where were you? What did you do?”

  He was much too tired and hungover to concoct a story, and there was no way he could just make Trish disappear. “I was with a friend,” he said. “Listen, I really need to get some sleep.”

  She walked with him through the gate and across the courtyard, and he silently prayed that she wouldn’t ask him any more questions before they got to the dorm.

  “So were you with someone from the program?” she asked.

  He shook his head. “Just someone I know.” He tried to make this mystery person sound like as casual an acquaintance as possible, rather than someone he had been having sex with several hours earlier.

  Max eased the room door open and tiptoed toward his bed.

  “What time is it?” Zeke asked groggily.

  Max turned. “Almost seven-thirty,” he whispered. “Sorry if I woke you.”

  Zeke rubbed his eyes. “Are you just coming in?”

  “Yeah.” Max sat on his bed, took off his sneakers, and fell back on his pillow. A wave of nausea rippled over him and he felt like he might throw up. �
��Do you have any Tylenol or anything?”

  “I think I have Advil. Check my top drawer.”

  Max sat up, found the bottle, shook out three tablets, swallowed them without water, and plopped back down. “I feel like shit,” he moaned.

  “Where were you?” Zeke asked.

  “Dude, I had a fucking crazy night.”

  Zeke waited for him to say more, but he just lay there massaging his temples and staring up at the ceiling.

  “What happened?” Zeke asked.

  Max allowed a smile to creep over his face. “Fucked a college chick.”

  Zeke sat up in bed. “Are you serious? Who was she?”

  “I met her on the train coming here. She goes to the University of New Haven.” He turned over on his side, trying to find any position where his head would stop throbbing and he would not feel so nauseated. “Oh, man, I am so hungover.”

  “That’s why you should stick to pot,” Zeke said.

  “You’re not going to believe this,” Trish told her suitemates as they walked to brunch. “This morning, when I was coming back from my jog, I ran into Max, who was just coming in from being out all night.”

  “No way,” Mimi said. “Where was he?”

  “I have no idea, but he looked like he was about to pass out.”

  “Was he by himself?” Olivia asked.

  Trish nodded. “He said he had been out with a friend. Someone not in the program.”

  “I’ll bet he was,” Callie said, suggestively.

  “You think he was with a girl?” Trish asked, surprised.

  “Uh, yeah,” Callie said.

  Mimi shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

  “Why not?” Callie asked. “Just because you guys were all over each other the other night?”

  “No,” Mimi said, offended. “And besides he likes Olivia, not me.”

  “Whatever,” Olivia said, rolling her eyes, but with a sinking feeling that Callie was right.

  “Let’s bet then,” Callie said. “I say Max was out with a girl, and you say he wasn’t.”

  “Okay,” Mimi said. “How much?”

  Callie shrugged. “Five dollars?”

  “Make it more interesting,” Olivia said. “How about if Mimi wins, Callie has to make out with a boy, and if Callie wins, Mimi has to make out with a girl?”

  “Oh my God!” Mimi squealed. “No way.”

  “I’m not making out with a boy,” Callie said.

  “How about just a kiss then?” Olivia persisted. “You both think you’re going to win, anyway.”

  “I don’t know,” Mimi said. “Maybe we should just bet money.”

  “Boring,” Olivia said, as they walked into the dining hall.

  They got their food—rubbery pancakes and lukewarm sausage links for Olivia, Mimi, and Callie, a banana and an apple for Trish—and spotted Zeke sitting by himself.

  “No Max,” Trish said. “Let’s go find out what happened.”

  They settled in next to him, and he nodded a hello and continued eating.

  “So,” Trish said, peeling her banana, “is Max still sleeping?”

  “Yeah,” he grunted, cutting a bite of pancake and sticking it in his mouth.

  “You know, I saw him coming in this morning when I was jogging. He said he had been out all night.”

  Zeke looked up. “You saw him?”

  Trish nodded. “He said he had been out with a friend.”

  Zeke kept his face impassive as he bent back over his plate to impale a piece of sausage on his fork.

  The girls watched him and exchanged glances.

  “Do you know who he was with?” Trish asked.

  He tensed, almost imperceptibly, but still enough for Olivia to notice. “I didn’t even know he was staying out last night.”

  “Was he with a girl?” Callie asked.

  “I have no idea.” He shoveled the last bites of food in his mouth and stood up.

  “Well, what do you think?” Trish pushed.

  “Why don’t you ask him?” Zeke said. He started away from the table, then turned and faced Olivia. “I finished that song you gave me.”

  “Really?” she said. “Can we get together later so I can hear it?”

  “Just come find me,” he said, turning and walking off.

  Max stood in the shower, letting the hot water wash over him. He had woken up in the middle of the afternoon, feeling dirty and disoriented. His head still hurt. His eyes were bloodshot. He was hungry, but the thought of putting food in his mouth was making him feel slightly queasy.

  As he replayed the events of the previous night in his head, the evening took on a surreal quality. He knew he had slept with Lena, could summon the exact images, but somehow, it didn’t feel real. They had left the party and gone back to her apartment. She had thrown up. And then, while she was brushing her teeth, he had massaged her neck and back and pressed into her from behind. He felt himself starting to get hard as he remembered, and quickly soaped up his hands.

  A little later, dried off and dressed, he called his friend Andy back home to tell him about his night. When he got voicemail, he left a quick message to call and went to e-mail him.

  Upstairs, Olivia was staring at a blank computer screen, trying to figure out how to start the third act of her play. She had been sitting there for the past two hours, occasionally writing a few lines, and then reading them over and deleting them. Her frustration mounting, she had even called home, deciding to preempt the Saturday call that would come later in the day from her mother anyway. The problem, she was starting to realize, was that she was preoccupied with trying to figure out what Max had done all night and who this mystery person he was with could be. Somehow, not knowing was blocking her from being able to continue her play. If she could just find out, she was convinced she would be able to move forward. Clicking onto instant messaging, she saw that he was online, and she quickly typed:

  Olivia123: Heard you had a wild night last night.

  Sitting at his computer, Max was surprised to see her message pop up. How did she know? He had told Trish he had stayed out, but only Zeke knew what had happened. And why would Olivia even care considering the fact that she had blown him off for some other guy? He typed:

  Maxmania: Looked like you were having a pretty good night yourself.

  Olivia123: What do you mean?

  Maxmania: Who’s the boy?

  Olivia123: What are you talking about?

  Maxmania: Walking out of the dorm with you yesterday … holding hands at the movie … so much for being off boys this summer.

  Olivia123: Bruce? Are you mental? He’s been stalking me.

  Maxmania: You didn’t seem to mind last night.

  Olivia123: All right, Sherlock, you caught me. Bruce is my secret lover and we’ve been having wild sex all over campus this summer.

  Maxmania: I knew it. Details, please, and don’t leave anything out.

  Olivia123: You first. What does a high school boy do all night in New Haven?

  Maxmania: Come downstairs to my room, and I’ll show you.

  Olivia123: I thought goats weren’t allowed in the dorms.

  Maxmania: I’m not much for following rules. You know, the penis has a mind of its own.

  Olivia123: Very profound. Can I use that in my play?

  Maxmania: As long as I get credit for it.

  Olivia123: I’ll include you in my acknowledgments.

  Olivia clicked off IM, opened a new Word document, and typed THE PENIS HAS A MIND OF ITS OWN over and over again until she had filled one page and jumped onto the next. Maxine had suggested free writing as a way to break through writer’s block. Just spew out whatever comes to mind, she had said. Olivia stopped, took a breath, and started to write again.

  Mimi came into the room and saw Olivia sitting at her computer. “How’s the writing coming?” she asked.

  “It’s coming,” Olivia said, suppressing a smile. “It was hard for a while, but I just got one big spurt.”

/>   “I love when that happens,” Mimi said, and Olivia burst into laughter.

  “What? What’s so funny?” She looked at Olivia’s computer screen. “Oh, gross,” she said.

  Olivia laughed harder, and Mimi joined in.

  “What are you two doing in here?” said Callie, appearing in the doorway. “Having another orgy?”

  “Olivia’s being perverted again,” Mimi said through suppressed giggles.

  Olivia recovered her composure and feigned innocence. “Come on, me?”

  “Come on you?” Callie said.

  Olivia laughed. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

  “Ewww,” Mimi said, scrunching up her face.

  “Oh, by the way,” Olivia said. “I think Callie won the bet about who Max was with last night.”

  “Wait, how do you know?” Mimi asked.

  “I was IMing with him before, and I asked him what he did last night, and he said to come down to his room and he’d show me.”

  “Boys are pigs,” Callie said, shaking her head.

  “That doesn’t prove anything,” Mimi said, though with a decided lack of conviction.

  “Well, get this,” Olivia continued. “He thought I was with Bruce.”

  “Stalker Boy?” Mimi asked incredulously.

  Olivia nodded. “I guess he saw when Bruce grabbed my hand at the movie and thought we were together. Pretty stupid, right?”

  “And you wonder why I’m a lesbian,” Callie said.

  “I still don’t see what any of this proves,” Mimi said. “Just because he thought you were with Bruce doesn’t mean he went out and hooked up with another girl.”

  “You want to double the bet?” Callie asked.

  Mimi hesitated. “No.”

  “When did you realize you liked girls?” Olivia asked.

  Callie smiled. “You thinking about changing sides?”