by Londyn Skye
“The way I felt that day is a moment I’ll neva’ forget for the rest ‘a my life.” Lily’s eyes drifted down to the table, as if she could see it there replaying all over again. “It was the first day in years I felt like maybe I’s worth somethin’ to somebody again. And Lord knows I needed to feel that. Needed it more than anybody could eva’ realize,” she said, remembering how she once desired to end her own life. “Just that gesture alone meant the world to me. But now it’s come to all ‘a this,” she said, shaking her head in disbelief with a faint smile on her face. “That stage,” she said, turning for a moment to look out the window at it. “I swear I could live up there.” She turned back toward James again. Without taking her eyes off him, she held his hand and ran her finger over the scar that she had stitched. “Feels like a new home you done went through hell and back to build for me with your very own hands.”
James closed his eyes in the brief moment that Lily touched him, welcoming it and wanting it to continue. In an instant, he felt his stomach settle and the ugly visions fade away after her words had infused him with exuberance. After failing Lily for so long, here now, he was hearing the wonderful results of his attempt to atone for all of his mistakes. For years, he had found it nearly impossible to forgive himself, but her gentle touch and her genuine words helped to bring that possibility within reach.
“So, afta’ all you’ve done for me, there ain’t no way in the world I would eva’ consida’ fixin’ you your favorite dish as goin’ outta my way for you. Hell, cookin’ is certainly the least I could eva’ do for you,” she laughed. “In all honesty, it don’t matta’ how many meals I make for you, it’ll neva’ be enough to repay you for all you’ve done to change my life to this magnitude.”
“Lily, don’t say…”
“No,” she interrupted, “it’s the truth. I owe you more than I’d eva’ be able to give you in this lifetime. So, at this point, all I feel I can really do is say, thank you, James,” she said, squeezing his hand with both of hers. “’Cause Lord knows I do. I thank you from the bottom ‘a my heart for doin’ what you had to do to get me here, and for believin’ in me enough to take me on this journey with you,” she smiled, fresh tears glistening in her eyes.
There was so much that James was eager to say in return, and it was all wanting to come out at once. He was taking the time to organize it all in his racing mind until the contents of his vivid night terrors rushed forward and trumped it all. He closed his eyes hard and gritted his teeth. Beads of sweat and a thumping heart followed, just as it always did whenever his recurring nightmare jarred him from his sleep. He could see the images clearly as he sat there across from Lily. The gruesome visions shut him down immediately. His desire to communicate the beautiful things that he wanted to share suddenly evaporated and left him with very little that he was willing to express to Lily from then on. “Well, I’m glad it’s all helped to make a difference for you, Lily,” was all he could muster the courage to say, as he slowly removed his hand from hers.
Lily was appreciative of how receptive James was, but she felt a slight emotional sting when he took his hand out of hers. The simple maneuver seemed to say a lot. Not only that, but she could feel that there was something on his mind that he refused to share with her. It bothered her that he had such a quick unexplained shift to a very cold disposition, especially since it was not the first time she had noticed such cold reactions to some of their warm interactions. Lily slowly got up from the table feeling a little embarrassed. She turned her back to James, walked over, and rested her hands on the counter, giving herself a chance to settle what she felt was an irrational need to cry about the change in James’s demeanor.
When Lily walked away, James could easily sense that he had embarrassed or upset her. He blew out a breath of frustration at himself for always giving in to the powerful images that plagued him. He was beginning to realize that the images from his night terrors would take a great deal longer to overcome than he ever expected. In this instance, they had won the battle, but he was still not willing to give up on the war he was waging against them.
On behalf of this special day, though, Lily was not about to allow herself to sulk for long over James’s reluctance to talk. She comforted herself by the fact that she was finally able to share with him her appreciation for his troubles, which was something she felt was long overdue. So, with that in mind, she was able to pull herself together rather quickly. For just a moment longer, she stood with her back to James, though. Before speaking again, she cleared her throat from the shakiness that would have accompanied her tears. She exhaled and finally turned back around. “Could you come with me a moment?” she asked James, completely changing the subject, wanting to lighten the mood.
James looked at her strangely at first, but then obliged and followed her into William’s library. He remained puzzled by her request when the two of them arrived to a room filled with silence.
“I’s hopin’ I could play a song for you,” Lily told him, as they stood face to face near the grand piano. “If you have the time, that is.”
“If I didn’t, I’d make the time … always,” James replied, gazing longingly at her.
After sensing that his warmth had returned, Lily found herself helplessly gazing at James as well. A pulse of heat ran through her during their silent exchange, making her even more eager to play the song she had prepared. James continued to gaze at her as she gracefully took her seat. Not long after the melody began, though, the need to close his eyes became too strong for him to withstand. He quickly found his mind drifting into another world after Lily’s notes began to wrap around him.
Listening to the lightness of Lily’s melody began to drum up all the repressed daydreams that James had been obsessed with in his youth. In the months since he and Lily had been reunited, all those old fantasies were slowly being unleashed. The song Lily currently played now had them quickly pelting the forefront of his mind, one after the other, beginning with the fantasy of the way in which he had once imagined proposing to Lily. His mind took him from there to the vision of the way she would have looked walking down the aisle toward him on their wedding day. He then felt his pulse quicken, thinking about what it would have been like having the honor of lying inside of his new wife in the hours after their sentimental ceremony. James continued flipping through the catalog of his old memories, next recalling the way he used to smile when thinking about the joyous tears he would have shed the day Lily gave birth to their first child. With Lily’s music still tenderly whispering in his ears and those memories flooding his mind, James suddenly became overwhelmed with emotions. His stirring tears were for the fact God had yet to forge a legal pathway to make all those lifelong dreams come true, despite the countless times he had prayed for such a miracle.
James suddenly opened his eyes and stared at Lily, wondering how it could ever be punishable by law to show such a lovely woman how deeply he cared for her by giving her the sort of life she deserved. James had mentally exhausted himself over the years trying to make sense of it. Needing to get his mind off such an impossible dilemma, he let the visions fade and focused on Lily. He became fixated on the innocent look on her face as she sat playing in the perfectly sunlit library. James began examining the intricate lines of her lips, the simple style of her tight curly hair, her even features, and the beauty of her flawless honey-brown skin. Everything about her made him suddenly want nothing more than to make love to her right then and there. He was ready to happily disregard the laws, feeling as though expressing his love to Lily would be worth the punishment he would receive in a court of law.
The desire to touch Lily, to hold her, to caress and kiss her was nearly too intense for James to ignore with her sitting so close, especially with her scent pleasantly invading his nose. Suddenly, though, the room fell silent and he was jolted from his fixation.
I see us … and the sort ‘a life I wish we could have togetha’, Lily thought to herself. “I see you,” escaped her lips instead, as
she opened her eyes and stared at the piano keys. “In my mind,” she explained. “Wheneva’ I play that song, I see you just as clear as you standin’ in front ‘a me now.”
After the fantasy experience James had while listening, he was easily convinced of the truth in Lily’s words. Her admission, though, suddenly made him crave to know the intimate details of her visions.
“I’ve played this song on this day for the last ten years.” Lily finally looked up at James. “But I wanted you to hear it this time.” She reached down and retrieved a box that she had placed underneath the piano earlier. “And I wanted to give you this,” she said shyly. “Happy birthday to you, James.”
James smiled. “Lily…”
“I-I’m sorry I wasn’t able to buy you anything fancy,” she explained as a disclaimer before he opened the box.
James sat his gift down, took Lily by the hand, and helped her up from the bench, so that he could look her directly in the eyes before he spoke. “Don’t you eva’ be sorry about that. Not eva’, ya’ hear? The dinna’, everything you had to say to me in the kitchen a while ago, and this gift, it’s all wonderful. It really means a lot to me,” he reassured her. “And that song was beautiful … really beautiful, Lily. It’s worth far more to me than any expensive gifts, I promise ya’ that. So, please don’t feel embarrassed about any ‘a this, okay?”
“Okay. Thank you for that.” The sincerity of his words immediately melted her nervousness. She perked up and smiled. “But before you open that, I have one otha’ thing for you.”
“There’s more?” James smiled.
“Mm-hmm,” Lily smiled. “Follow me.”
James happily followed behind Lily holding onto his gift. Its sentimental value immediately rose when he suddenly realized that his birthday was the reason Lily had wanted the day off. He was deeply moved by the fact that she would even consider wanting to celebrate his birthday after all the things he had put her through in the past, especially in lieu of her beloved show.
Lily guided James back into the kitchen where she then picked up a round, covered platter and carried it over to the dining room table. She lifted the lid and revealed a beautifully decorated cake. “Strawberry, right? It’s still your favorite … I hope,” she asked nervously.
“Yes. Yes, it still is,” James answered, his mouth already watering.
“Good.” Lily let out a sigh of relief. “Can’t celebrate your birthday without the right cake.”
“Nor without the right company,” James replied. “So, can I ask one otha’ thing of you this evenin’, Miss Lily?”
“On your birthday, I shall humbly provide you with all that you ask, sire,” she said, copying William’s British accent and taking a bow. She had become fascinated by the British way of life after all the stories William had told her about his time in Great Britain as a boy.
James played along, turning himself into a British royal as well. He took Lily by the hand. “Excellent, m’lady. Then have a piece ‘a cake with me, won’t you?”
“Why certainly,” Lily smiled, as she proceeded to sit down at the kitchen table.
“No. Not here.” James stopped her, taking her gently by the arm before she could sit down. “Follow me,” he instructed.
James picked up the cake and his gift and led Lily out the back door. He then guided her toward the special spot on William’s land, where he always found her relaxing after grueling rehearsals. James often joined her there, wanting to spend every minute of his free time by her side. He wanted to interact with her in the same meaningful ways that they once had during the precious years when they had escaped on Sundays to their childhood paradise. However, their relationship had yet to completely return to that level of effortlessness. James could still sometimes sense Lily’s reluctance to fully open up to him. But he remained determined to regain her trust and earn her forgiveness. So, he continued to be patient, feeling as though Lily was worth whatever time it took to rebuild and re-strengthen the unique bond he once had with her.
Lily followed quietly behind James, wondering why he preferred to eat outside, but when she stepped around the massive trunk of the old oak tree, the answer to that became clear. “Today is a very special day indeed,” James told her, as she looked down at the array of things that were lying underneath the tree, where she loved to sit and take in the view of the lake.
When Tucker saw James in town earlier, he was shopping for this very moment. After returning to William’s estate, James snuck around back to lay out the blanket, wine, and the basket of fruits he had purchased. A neatly wrapped present lay as the centerpiece to it all. The surprise was in honor of an incredibly unique occasion. After setting the cake down, James turned to Lily and held both of her hands. “Happy birthday to you too, Lily.”
By sheer coincidence, James was not willing to let this unique day pass by unacknowledged either. It was a day the pair had begun celebrating together on his tenth birthday …
After James’s birthday party was over, James was out by the creek with Lily, letting her use the new fishing rod he had gotten as a gift. She was casting the line out into the water as James stood next to her tossing grapes into the air and catching them in his mouth. “So, when’s your birthday?” he had asked Lily casually in between tosses.
“Don’t know,” Lily replied just as casually.
The grape James was tossing hit him in the head when he quickly turned his attention to Lily. “What do ya’ mean you don’t know when your birthday is?!” he asked, sounding baffled by such a thing.
“Just what I said. I don’t know. My mama was neva’ certain of the exact date. She say I’s born on the hottest day she could eva’ rememba’ in the summa’ of 1835, just like you. But ain’t nobody eva’ tell ’er exactly what day it was. She say she was awful sick for days not long afta’ I’s born, from an infection or somethin’. So, she couldn’t hardly rememba’ much ‘a anything from that week anyway.”
“I ain’t neva’ heard ‘a nobody without a birthday.”
“Well, ya’ heard ‘a someone now I s’ppose,” Lily said, reeling in the fishing line and handing the pole back to James.
“You mean you ain’t neva’ had no party, or presents, or nothin’?”
“Slaves ain’t got no money to buy presents, and even if we did, it’d be kind ‘a hard to celebrate when you don’t even know what day to do it on.”
James just sat there staring at his fishing rod, perplexed at how such an important thing could be overlooked. “Well, you would if I gave you mine.”
“Gave me your what?”
“My birthday.”
“You can’t just give your birthday away, James!” Lily told him in a condescending tone.
“Can so! It’s mine! I can do whateva’ I please with it! And I wanna give it to ya’!”
Lily threw her hands on her thin hips and cocked her head to the side. “Well, I ain’t gonna letchya’!” she fired back.
“But I want to. Just don’t seem right that you ain’t neva’ had a birthday. I done celebrated ten ‘a mine already, and I’m almost a man now,” James explained, flexing his arm and squeezing his own muscle. “So, I don’t need no more birthdays anyway.”
“James, that’s awful nice ‘a you ‘n all, but I can’t take your birthday away from you. It’s too special. ’Sides, you ain’t hardly no man yet! I don’t see a speck ‘a hair on your face and your arms are ’bout near skinny as that fishin’ rod!” Lily said, suddenly bursting out in laughter.
James sat on a log nearby and hung his head low, not finding any humor in Lily’s comment at all.
Lily looked over at her friend and could tell he was genuinely hurt by the rejection of his offer, and she suddenly felt terrible about herself. She sat down next to James and put her arm around him. “I’m sorry, James. That’s really kind of you.”
“But you still won’t take it, will ya’?” he asked, truly sounding hurt.
“No, but maybeee…”
“Maybe what?”
“Maybe we can share?”
“Heeey yeeeah! I like that even betta’!” James perked up and smiled.
“Me too!”
“Well then, happy birthday Lily!” James exclaimed, handing her his brand-new fishing rod.
“What’re you doin’?” she asked.
“Here take it. It’s your first birthday gift.”
“James, I-I can’t take this. Your daddy’ll kill you!”
“But you gotta have a gift. I’ll just tell ’em I dropped it in the deep part ‘a the creek tryna reel in a big fish or somethin’. He’ll get me anotha’ one.”
“Thank you, James!” Lily’s eyes lit up looking at the brand-new pole in her lap. She leaned over and gave James a huge hug. “Thank you so much!”
“You’re welcome,” he coughed. “L-lily y-you’re ch-chokin’ me!”
“Sorry,” she said, letting go of the firm bear hug she had him in.
“It’s alright,” he said, rubbing his neck. “C’mon! Let’s do some more fishin’!”
The whole conversation seemed logical in the innocence of their youthful minds. Oddly, though, as they grew, James and Lily never challenged the validity of her adopting his birthday. Year after year, they celebrated together in their own grand way, as if their birthdays had legitimately fallen on the same date. During their celebrations, it had become tradition for James to read a story of Lily’s choosing. Wilbur even joined the festivities as they ate strawberry cake on a picnic blanket underneath their favorite tree in their playground paradise. They celebrated that way up until their sixteenth birthdays. On their seventeenth, however, their tradition came to an end.