by Lara Swann
I nod, though I have no intention of doing that - not unless there’s some real emergency.
He picks Abbie up and she giggles as he swings her around a bit, before giving her a kiss on the forehead.
“Be good, little girl. Have fun with Jessica, then.”
She giggles and squeals as he puts her down, running forward to wrap her arms around him before he tousles her hair and she comes bouncing back to me.
He walks into his office with just one slightly bemused glance over his shoulder and I wonder what he’s thinking - then his back straightens slightly and I guess that he’s already thinking about all the work he’s been distracted from today. Despite some of my mixed feelings, part of me is glad about that too. It’s what I’m here for, after all. To make sure he can focus on what he needs to do.
“So whaddaya do here?” Abbie asks, coming around the desk and trying to step up to look at it better.
“Well…” I start, wondering how to explain as I push the chair back so she can come closer and see. “I do lots of things. I help your Dad so that he knows where he needs to be and what he needs to do every day.”
“What are these?” She asks, trying to pull some of the papers closer.
I laugh a little.
“These are different documents your Dad might need to look at. I look at them first and then decide what to do with them - some of them can go in the bin and some of them just need to go in that filing cabinet over there. Only the most important ones need to go to your Dad.”
“Ooohhh.”
The genuine fascination in her voice warms something inside me. I haven’t spent much time around kids and it hadn’t really occurred to me how new everything must be to a young child. All these things I’ve do every day without thinking about - there’s something nice knowing that someone can be so interested in things that just seem…mundane otherwise.
People talk about children seeing the world with fresh eyes but I don’t think I really got it before now.
“Jessica…” Abbie starts, then stops as Kenneth walks back out of the office.
“I’ll be in the Seagate meeting room if you need me.” He interrupts us, probably without even noticing. “Abbie’s toys and everything you might need is in here.”
He sets a bag down on the floor beside my desk and I nod.
His gaze roams over us and then comes back to me, and it’s obvious that the kind of focus I’m used to from him is back. There’s a small part of me that’s relieved - I know how important these meetings are to him and it was almost strange how different he seemed today.
“Everything is okay so far?”
I nod again and he gives me a nod back, bends down to kiss the top of Abbie’s head with another quick ‘love you, be good’ before walking off with the sort of purpose he usually displays.
I’m still watching him go when Abbie giggles beside me, covering her mouth with her hands.
“He’s funny when he’s like that.”
I look down at her, then smile myself. I hadn’t thought about it like that, but maybe there is something funny about the official-professional attitude we seem to put on as soon as we step into the office.
“Yeah.” I smile at her. “He is kind of funny, isn’t he?”
That’s not something I would have thought about Kenneth otherwise, but there’s something nice about being able to not take him so seriously.
“So do you want to show me some of your toys then, Abbie?” I ask, pulling the bag closer.
“No!” She shakes her head vehemently, stopping me mid-motion. “I want to help you.”
“Ohh…” I pause, surprised. That’s not what I’d been expecting.
“I want to do work like you and Daddy!” She insists.
“Hmm…” I make a show of thinking about it, in part to buy me some actual time. “Well, let’s see…how old are you, Abbie?”
“I’m four.” She announces proudly. “How old are you?”
I laugh, the open question making me grin. “I’m twenty-eight.”
She grins back. “That’s the same age as Daddy.”
“Yes…yes, I guess it is.” My smile fades a little bit, but I turn my attention back to her before I can think about it. “Four years old is a lot - I think you should be old enough to help.”
She nods enthusiastically. “I’m really big now. Daddy says it all the time.”
My smile widens again. Kenneth’s little girl is utterly adorable.
“Well…” I look around, taking in the stacks of paper on my desk that she was so interested in, and a sudden idea occurs to me. “Okay, wait here a moment, I just need to get some of these documents for you to help out with.”
Abbie practically beams, jumping up and down on her toes and nodding as she grips the end of my desk and tries to see over my desk.
I click a few buttons on the computer and bring up a ridiculously long report into health, safety and hygiene considerations within a few of ExVenture’s factories, sending it to the printer a moment later.
“I’ll be back in a moment, Abbie - and I’ll be just over there, okay?”
I point to the printer on the other side of the space in front of Kenneth’s office - it’s only across the hall and I’ll still be able to see Abbie perfectly, but some part of my stomach churns at the idea of walking across that space away from her. Can you leave a four year old on the other side of a room for two minutes? I don’t see why not, but everyone always seems to talk about how much trouble children can get themselves into and I’m all too aware I know nothing about this.
It’s fine. You can still see her. That’s fine, right?
I ignore the insecurity as Abbie nods again, slightly reassured that she seems totally unperturbed by the idea, and then walk across to the stationery area. I take a stack of blue, green and red paper out of the cupboard and load the printer with it before setting the 500-page document to , all while keeping one eye on the girl who has started rummaging in the bag Kenneth left - taking out toy animals from what I can see.
“I said I’d be back in a moment.” I mutter to myself, amused that she’s started entertaining herself.
It’s all done a few moments later and I shuffle all the papers together, mixing up the colors as I do, before walking back to my desk.
“Ohh…” I say, faking a disappointed tone. “You look quite busy now…”
She looks up with wide eyes, shaking her head and jumping back to her feet.
“No, no, I’m not busy.”
“No?” I ask, looking at the toys at her feet. “Are you sure you don’t want to show me some of your toys instead?”
If she would prefer to play, I really can’t blame her. I can’t say what I’ve got planned is going to be the slightest bit interesting.
“No!” She shakes her head again. “I want to help.”
“Well…okay then…”
I kneel down beside her and she crouches down too as I put the stack of paper on the floor.
“Do you remember what I said about how I sort documents for your Daddy, so that he only needs to look at the most important ones?”
She nods, her eyes fixed on the paper like it’s the most important thing in the world. I almost feel a little guilty but this is what she said she wanted to do…
“Well, I’ve got a lot of documents here, and they’re not sorted. Do you think you could help me sort them?”
“Of course!”
“Right, well, this is what I do.” I take one of the pieces of paper. “I look at the paper and see whether it’s important or not. This one is blue, so it needs to be kept for information and I’ll file it later. I’ll put it in one pile over here to be filed.”
I place the paper to the side, and then talk her through blue paper - which can go in the bin later - and red paper, which is the most important that Kenneth will need to look at.
I’m surprised at the total focus and attention she seems to give me for the explanation and then as we go through the next seve
ral pieces of paper together, she gets the hang of which pile to put them in immediately. It probably helps that it amounts to putting each color in a pile together, but still, I’m impressed.
It only takes a few minutes of us doing that together before she waves a hand at me.
“Okay, okay, I can do it now.”
I nod. “You’re doing a very good job, Abbie. It looks like I can just sit back and watch you now.”
“No, no.” She shakes her head, waving that hand again. I have to try not to smile too much at the slightly imperious attitude. “You go back to your work. I’ll do this.”
“Are you sure?” I frown. I don’t mind making up a semi-related game for her to play, but I did think the attention and support would be part of it. Doesn’t every kid like that?
“Yes.” She nods, obviously distracted by the paper she’s sorting in front of her.
She’s actually getting through it at a surprisingly quick rate, too. I’m almost wondering whether I should have found a bigger document, or printed this twice.
“Well…okay…but I’ll be just over here, alright?” I point to the desk beside where we’re sitting on the floor. “And if you don’t want to help anymore, that’s okay too, we can always do something else together.”
“I want to help.” She insists stubbornly and I give up trying to give her other options.
She’s obviously too stubborn for that.
“I can tell - you’re being very helpful, Abbie. Your Daddy will be so pleased when he gets back.”
That draws her attention back to me for a moment and she glances up. “Do you think he will?”
I nod, trying to be serious and not make it obvious that I’m far more distracted by how sweet she seems.
“I’m sure he will.”
She gives me a huge smile for a moment, then turns back to the papers in front of her.
“Okay, now stop distracting me.”
I have to stop myself from laughing as I leave her to it, going back to sit at my desk as if I might actually get back to work instead of just glancing over at the little girl I’ve suddenly been left with.
I’m still slightly bemused by the fact Kenneth has a child but seeing her like this…I don’t know. I can’t deny that regardless of the confused reactions I might have about that, the child herself is adorable. In her own way.
I watch her sorting through papers, muttering to herself contentedly as she ‘helps’ me with my work.
Interesting little girl. Slightly bossy. I guess she gets that from her Dad.
The thought makes me smile and I shake my head slightly. I’ve been deliberately trying not to think about Kenneth in any way other than professional, but…well, with his daughter here, that’s a little harder.
After it becomes obvious that she’s fully absorbed with what she’s doing, I do start trying to sort through some of the emails that have built up, but I’ve still got at least one eye on her. Not even because she needs it - just because something about her fascinates me.
This is Kenneth’s daughter. His child. The guy you once thought would be having kids with you—
Oh no. Don’t go there.
But it’s not even the unpleasant, resentful sort of feeling I thought it would be.
It’s just…bemused.
And with Abbie right here, it’s almost impossible to shake off too.
Eventually, though, it seems like she’s not getting bored of sorting papers into piles - despite my disbelief - and I do start trying to work again. With all of the distractions today, though, I can’t focus - and with Abbie apparently entertained for a while, my hand starts hovering around that drawer again.
The drawer.
The one with the letter.
I hesitate, but then I find myself unlocking it and pulling it open again.
The letter is right where I left it and I bite my lip.
Maybe it’s seeing Kenneth and Abbie here today, something about the idea of family that’s starting to tug at me, but…
The uneasy combination of anger and need sits hard in my stomach, an unpleasant knot that I don’t think will go away until I work this out.
Before I can stop myself, I reach for it.
Not to open it. I wouldn’t do that - not here. Maybe not ever.
But I can hold it, right? Just feel that it’s actually real? Just…touch it a little? That’s okay, right?
I take it out slowly, holding it carefully in front of me as if it might disappear. As if I might be imagining the whole thing.
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this, Mom?” I mutter to myself, staring at the familiar writing all over again. “How do you think you can just…”
I shake my head. I don’t need these age-old questions now. Not with Grandma gone and Gramps—
“What’s that?”
I almost jump out of my seat as Abbie’s head appears at my side, her cheery voice jolting me out of everything I was thinking.
“It’s, um…well, it’s a letter from my Mom.” I say, calmly enough, some part of my mind slamming all those perilous emotions back into the box they belong in. For some reason, I don’t even consider saying anything else. Maybe it’s because she’s just a kid, but it seems natural to just tell her the truth.
“Oohh…is it your birthday?” She presses her hands on the arm of my chair and leans forward to look at it. “My Mom sends me letters on my birthday!”
I blink as some of the emotion that I thought I’d locked neatly away comes leaking out again at that simple comment, the significance of it not lost on me at all.
My Mom used to send me letters on my birthday, too.
Before I can think of a way to answer her, though, she squeals and darts away from me.
“Daddy!”
I hadn’t even noticed Kenneth walking down the hallway, but Abbie obviously had - and she grabs the pile of red paper lying on the floor and bounces up toward him.
“Hey there, little girl.” He smiles at her, his face lighting up at seeing her happy and enthusiastic again. “Have you been good for Jessica?”
“Yes! I helped!” She nods. “Here, Daddy, these are for you! They’re important.”
He blinks as he takes the papers she shoves at him automatically, glancing down at them with a small frown. My cheeks heat as I wonder what he’ll think about this, but he looks down at her before I can say anything.
“Ooh…” He says, in the kind of tone you use when you’re obviously trying to be interested and enthusiastic about something, but you’re still working out what that ‘something’ is.
I stand before he has to get any further with that thought.
“Abbie was helping me with organizing different documents.” I explain. “I showed her how I make sure you only see the important ones, and she helped sort them for me.”
Please don’t think this is stupid. It seemed like a good idea an hour ago.
“Oh, of course.” He says, with a big smile at his daughter as he looks at the now-probably-incomprehensible safety report. “And you did all this?”
She nods with a matching grin. “Yes!”
Then she moves around to point at the blue papers. “And we’re going to…um…we’re going to…”
“We’re going to file those.” I finish for her, nodding.
“And these go in the bin!” She says, picking up the green papers and dropping them back on the floor for emphasis.
“Exactly.” I say, still looking at Abbie.
I’m not quite sure I want to look at Kenneth right now. I have no idea what he’s thinking.
“See? I helped!” Abbie says proudly and Kenneth steps up to her with a smile, ruffling her hair.
“That’s amazing, little girl.” He says, stepping up to ruffle her hair. “Thank you for all your hard work.”
She grins at him, then raises her arms and he pulls her up into them, spinning her around.
I glance away for a moment, feeling suddenly awkward, like I’m intruding into this perso
nal part of Kenneth’s life. But when I look back, he’s looking over Abbie’s shoulder at me, and mouths a small ‘thank you’.
I shrug, a little embarrassed about it, and not quite sure why. Maybe it’s because I haven’t tried playing children’s games since I probably was a child, and it doesn’t quite seem like the right thing to do at work.
But he was the one who brought her in…
“Okay, sweetie, I’m going to go into my office now and have a look at these papers you brought me.” He says, and I suddenly realize that all my concern was stupid. He’s obviously used to indulging her and whatever game she might be playing.
I mean, of course. Isn’t that what Dad’s are for?
How would you know?
I shake off the thought. It’s stupid for all of this to be making me think about any of that. I stopped thinking that way years ago. But with the letter this morning too…
“Okay!” She says with a grin.
“Are you okay to help Jessica for a little while longer?” He asks, but he’s actually looking at me.
I nod automatically, trying to focus on what’s actually happening in front of me.
“We still have to file those blue papers.” I tell her seriously and she nods back at me.
“Yes. We’ll file the blue papers, Daddy.” She repeats to him.
“Great.” He says, setting her back down on the floor and leaning in to kiss her cheek. “And it won’t be long now. I just have one more meeting and then I’ll be back.”
“That’s okay. I don’t mind, Daddy.”
“Thank you, sweetie. You’re the best little girl I could ever ask for.” He smiles at her, saying it with obvious feeling, and I have to look away again.
I might be helping him out here, but I have to remind myself I’m not actually part of any of that. It’s private.
“Thank you too, Jessica.” He says, looking at me with the same bright expression he just showed his daughter, but I don’t quite meet his eyes as I nod.
“No problem.”
He hesitates for a moment longer, his gaze still on my face, before finally nodding and standing up. He gives the papers another look over and makes an appreciative noise as he goes back to his office. Damn, he’s not bad at this. That’s almost the way he’d react to papers he does need to look at.