by Lara Swann
The way she used to be - but slightly older, more sophisticated too. Which only made the childish mockery that much more amusing. She used to tease me all the time, especially when I got too serious back then, but I’d forgotten all about it. Until that moment.
It was good for me back then, I remember, and I find myself getting almost wistful about the idea that it’s probably still good for me now. I don’t have anyone to stop me getting too serious these days - even Abbie can’t always break through all the stress and concerns with work and raising a little girl by myself.
I find myself waiting with anticipation throughout the week to see what she might do, hoping to come back to something similar again - but it doesn’t happen. I guess she was too horrified after that first time, but I can’t help wishing she hadn’t been. The Jessica I used to know would have laughed at any outrage I might have put on and teased me some more.
But then, the Jessica I used to know was my girlfriend and not my employee.
There’s a difference, Kenneth. And even though having Abbie here is making it a little harder to see that difference, I do know it.
I just wish…I don’t know what I wish.
That things were different, somehow.
But I gave up wishing for that a long time ago.
These days, I just deal with what I’ve got - and I’m grateful for weeks like this, when everything just seems to work out.
The only thing that brings it down is the reminder of this ridiculous lawsuit.
I can barely bring myself to read the details without throwing the paper to the other side of the room in disgust, and it just gets worse when I start talking about it with Patrick and Kelly. It’s the only time I actually shut my office door so that Jessica and Abbie can’t hear what we’re saying - I don’t want my daughter anywhere near this indecent accusations, even if at her age, it would probably all go over her head.
“I have the details of Danielle’s accusations now.” Patrick announces as he comes onto the phone line with Kelly and I, the conference call crackling slightly.
“Go on.” I say, reluctantly.
Just because we need to discuss this doesn’t mean that I have to like it.
He hesitates - and that feels worse than anything he could say, as the sour feeling in my stomach twists uncomfortably - before starting to rely it, obviously reading straight from notes in front of him. It doesn’t bode well that he doesn’t feel comfortable having an open conversation about this with me.
I grind my teeth and struggle not to say anything as he gives lists of dates and times that these supposed sexual advances occurred and I’m too angry about the whole thing to even start matching them to what I was doing at the time. I can guess what I was doing. I was probably in meetings with Danielle, discussing sales pitch strategies, or traveling to and from external meetings with her, or reviewing those meetings at some cafe nearby wherever they occurred.
There are other people on the sales team, of course, but I have no doubt that there were plenty of times we were alone together too, even if it’s just because that’s how the taxis worked out—
“Wait, what was that?” I ask, my racing thoughts interrupted as Patrick mentions something I’m sure I misheard.
There’s a pause, and then he finally repeats it.
“They claim they’ve got witnesses.”
My mouth drops open as I gape at the phone, despite the fact I can’t see either of them. I start regretting deciding to make this a call instead of a meeting, but I think I wanted as much distance between this issue and me as possible.
“Witnesses?!”
How the hell can there be witnesses to something that didn’t even occur?!
“Patrick, none of this happened.” I repeat, emphatically, for what feels like the millionth time.
He clears his throat, the man obviously not nearly as affected by the outrage of this whole situation as I am.
“It’s not clear whether they mean witnesses to these actual events or character witnesses in general but I think most of them are ex-employees, which should discredit—”
This time I do groan. Faces flick through my mind as I wonder how many ex-employees might be willing to give me a bad character reference. I’ve never done anything inappropriate, but…well…god, is it too much to expect a decent work ethic or results from some of my sales staff?
It’s not even like I made the decision to fire anyone - that’s not what my job is - I leave all that to Tyler. But it’s not like I haven’t worked directly with some of these people and more than a couple seemed to hold me personally responsible for their bad performance reviews…
“Wait a minute.” I interrupt, something else he said occurring to me as my eyes narrow. “What do you mean, most are ex-employees?”
There’s another silence on the end of the line, before he responds.
“In the discussions I’ve had with her lawyers, they’ve hinted that there might be someone within the company who is willing to come forward on Danielle’s behalf.”
I don’t say anything for a long moment, totally taken aback by the immediate feeling of betrayal. How someone who still works for me can possibly be willing to support such obviously false claims…I can’t even…
“Look, Kenneth.” Patrick finally says. “I know how difficult this all is, but I get the feeling they’re looking to settle this out of court—”
“Of course they are! It’s all a lie!”
“I know, and none of us doubt that. But listen, I think Danielle is just looking for money here. I don’t think it would be hard to negotiate a settlement—”
I stop listening. I can’t hear anything past ‘none of us doubt that’.
Doesn’t that sound exactly like the sort of placating thing someone would say if they did doubt it?
I feel suddenly paranoid about the whole thing and I have to take a moment to sort my head out. I trust Patrick and I’ve never done anything to make anyone think that way about me, but this exactly is the sort of thing that makes people start doubting and the thought of that is almost too much for me.
“It might be for the best, Kenneth.” Kelly’s calm, too-reasonable voice comes through to me.
“What?”
I have no idea what I missed, but the feeling of being overwhelmed is starting to swamp me.
“I think you should listen to Patrick. It sucks, but the cost to our brand and reputation if this goes to court might be far more than the settlement - especially since he thinks he can negotiate a good deal.”
A good deal? Have they lost their minds?!
“What? No. Sorry, no. We can’t settle this!” The fury rolls up through me. “That’s as good as admitting I did it, which I didn’t!”
There’s a long silence on the other end, but I don’t care what they’re thinking. I didn’t realize they arranged this call to tell me that - and I refuse to talk about it for another moment.
“I told you from the start that woman isn’t getting a cent from me, and I mean it Patrick. Settling isn’t an option - that’s off the table. And instead of wasting time with that, start working on a way to actually beat this thing.”
I hang up, leaving them with that. My whole body is shaking with rage as I put the phone down and I grip the edge of the desk hard, taking several deep breaths as I curse the whole thing.
Fucking Danielle Martin and this fucking cheap shot. How can she be so callous that she doesn’t care about the consequences of this? What it might mean? Who it might hurt?
I think of my daughter playing innocently just outside my office and I have to fight the urge to punch something.
This can’t impact anything. I can’t let it.
Not my business, my family…anything.
It’s a stupid tactic by a bitter, gold-digging woman and I’m going to beat it.
With that resolve, I force it out of my mind and try to get back to real work. There’s nothing I can do until Patrick comes back with a strategy. An actual strategy, not j
ust giving into the woman who’s trying to screw me over.
It still takes me a long time to open my office door again, though - and even longer for the sight of Jessica and Abbie together to start relaxing the tight knot inside me again.
Thank god I’ve got her right now.
I’ve made it through a lot of times where it’s been hard to balance everything in my life, but I’m not sure how well I’d cope with having to entertain my daughter while working all week on top of this fucked up lawsuit situation.
It wouldn’t be good for Abbie, that’s for sure.
Too many things in your life aren’t good for her, Kenneth, too many…is this really the kind of life you want for your daughter?
I shake my head. Too many problems I can’t solve.
Raising her alone, working too much…she needs more. I know it. I just can’t do a damned thing about it right now.
At least she has Jessica this week. At least there’s that.
It’s a weird thought and I pause as I think it, suddenly uncertain. It’s not something I’ve ever thought about Kara, or any of the other Nannies I’ve tried. And Jessica isn’t even a Nanny - she’s just helping out. Though I can’t deny how much Abbie seems to be enjoying spending time with her.
I try not to think about it too much, just take the relief Jessica is giving me and spend the week trying to do something productive with it, enjoying how happy my little girl seems too.
When the end of the week finally rolls around, I pause by Jessica’s desk, not sure what to say - or how to thank her for one of the best weeks I’ve had in a very long time. I spent a decent portion of the week thinking about what I could do for her, considering flowers or chocolates or something, but any thought of that brought back too many memories of the past.
I always used to buy those when I screwed up. Or, when money was tight, hunt around for wild flowers that I could make into a bundle for her. I think she always used to like those the best. Infuriatingly, I can’t stop thinking about things like that - what she was like, back then, and how it was between us.
Maybe she was right with the professional attitude. If I’d seen any of this from her at the start, I’m not sure what I would have done.
“It was lovely to spend the week with you, Abbie.” Jessica says, as I struggle to work out what I want to say. She stands and leans against the desk as she smiles at my daughter and it occurs to me that I don’t think I’ve seen her take a relaxed enough pose to lean against anything while I’ve been around, before this week.
“Will she be back next week, do you think?” She asks quietly, directing it to me.
Almost reluctantly, I shake my head. “I think I should have everything sorted by then.”
If I don’t, I think I’ll finally reach my boiling point…
“Of course.” She nods, and I don’t know whether I might be imagining the hint of disappointment there. It’s probably just what some part of me is hoping to see.
I force a smile anyway. “You’ll be able to get back to everything without the constant disruptions.”
I intend it to come out light and easy, but from the way she stiffens I immediately regret it, wondering whether she’s taking it as some kind of criticism - which I definitely didn’t mean.
“I’ve been impressed with how much you managed to get done with this one glued to you all week.” I add quickly, trying to fix that, then curse myself for the way that sounds too.
Great. Now you’re being all officious and talking to her like her boss. Which you are…god damn it.
“It hasn’t been a problem.” She shrugs, but I can see the familiar barriers coming back over her expression.
I have to bite back the urge to ask whether I could buy her coffee or something, to say thank you. She’s already made it obvious she doesn’t want to do that - and really, it would be for myself more than her.
Too much of me just wants to spend some more time with her that isn’t here, where we work together.
“Well…thank you. Really.” I finally say, feeling that words definitely aren’t enough. “If there’s…well, if there’s anything I can do to show you how much I appreciate this week, please let me know.”
I really mean it, but she doesn’t meet my gaze and I can’t tell what she’s thinking as she shrugs again.
“I don’t mind - I’ve enjoyed it.”
“Daddy…” Abbie gets restless on my hip and I squeeze her tighter, taking the obvious hint to stop trying, even as I wish I knew what to say to Jessica.
“Right, well, we better go.” I finally say. “I hope you have a good weekend - Abbie, say bye bye to Jessica.”
“Byeee Jessica!” She says, smiling down at my secretary.
Jessica matches the smile, reaching out to squeeze her hand in a gesture that surprises me.
“Bye, Abbie. Maybe I’ll see you again sometime.”
“Yes!” Abbie responds enthusiastically, and I decide not to comment.
I’d guess Jessica was just being polite, but there’s part of me already thinking about making that happen again, somehow.
Jessica has been good for Abbie and even though I can’t possibly bring her into work regularly, I’m not willing to believe this is going to be it.
“See you next week.” I add to Jessica, then hoist Abbie a little higher on my shoulder and turn my attention back to my daughter. “C’mon, little girl, let’s get you home.”
“Okay!” She says eagerly, half clambering over me as I try to balance both her and the bag of all her toys I brought.
The whole way home, Abbie talks of nothing but what she did with Jessica today and by the time I park up on the circular driveway in front of my house, I’m surprised at how warm I feel having heard it all.
It’s an impressive looking place - a fountain in the middle of the driveway, manicured gardens surrounding the large estate and a sprawling home, all set over just the one level with modern glass and pretty features throughout. A symbol of everything I’ve achieved.
We walk hand-in-hand toward the front entrance and like this, I’m more aware than ever of how big it seems for just the two of us, my little girl looking totally overshadowed by the grand entryway. It’s a great place to live, in some ways, but at times it feels a little empty for me - even with Abbie’s shrieks and laughter and the way she runs around the place.
All this…just for her.
In some ways, it’s a testament to how much she has - how much I can and want to give her.
But when I’m feeling less certain about everything, part of me also thinks it shows how little she has too.
A big house…with a lot of emptiness inside it.
It’s an unpleasant feeling, and I try my best to fill that emptiness with something - with everything I can give, with all the time and attention and love that I feel for her every moment of the day. But it’s still just me, and I’m never quite sure it’s enough.
I try to shrug the thought away, focusing on how happy she sounds right now, as she tells me about the latest game she was playing with Jessica.
“I like Jessica.” She says finally, as if it’s a big announcement.
“Yeah? I like her too.” I smile back, but there’s something that pulses within me as I say it, and I realize I’m not entirely sure I mean that in the same way as my daughter.
It’s too easy to remember exactly how much I used to like her…and how easy it would be to slip right back into that.
I’m not sure what to make of that - or any of the conflicted feelings this week has left me with - so I force my mind away from it all.
I’ve got more important things to worry about anyway - like the little girl I haven’t spent nearly enough time with recently.
I turn back to her with a smile, nudging her gently. “So, I guess your Daddy seems kind of boring now, huh?”
She nods, her head bouncing up and down. “Yeah.”
I laugh, picking her up and spinning her around.
“Well, I was thinki
ng…maybe this weekend we can spend some time together, just you and me. Go on a few adventures of our own.”
“Yeah?” Her eyes light up and she reaches for me, her arms latching around my neck as her legs wrap around my chest.
“Yeah.” I say, with the same enthusiasm. “We could go to the zoo, and—”
“The zoo! I want to go to the zoo!”
I laugh, that reaction being totally predictable. “Oh really?”
“Yes! Really!”
“You want to see the…elephants?”
“Yeah!”
“And…the giraffes?”
“Yes, yes, and…”
“The lions.” We finish together and I laugh, bringing her in close for a cuddle.
“Okay, baby, we’ll go tomorrow, how’s that sound?”
She grins at me and I spin her around again before I put her down, where she immediately runs off to the large set of animals she plays with in the living area. I follow more slowly, smiling to myself. Sometimes, seeing the excitement and enthusiasm on her face makes me feel like everything is right with the world. That there’s nothing missing.
Not even someone to share this with - someone to mother her, in the way I know I can’t.
I sigh softly. Coming to terms with Ashley’s absence still isn’t easy - but we’re managing, Abbie and I.
Still, as I lie in bed that night, the thoughts that come to my mind aren’t about Ashley.
They’re about Jessica.
I wonder what would have happened if we’d stayed together, all those years ago…if she’d been the one I’d started a family with…
She would have been a good Mom.
She wouldn’t have left.
Chapter Six
Jessica
“So that’s when I said—ooh, ice cream!”
“You said ‘ooh, ice cream’?” I repeat doubtfully, laughing as I push Gramps through the park and listen to his latest story of the drama that goes on at the care home.
I wouldn’t have thought there was much drama there, but apparently I’d have been very wrong. Old people, he claims, are even worse than teenagers for gossip.