All My Loving: A Butler, Vermont Novel

by Marie Force

  When he pulled into the driveway, she expected him to leave the truck running, but he shut it off.

  “Aren’t you going to the farm?”

  “I’ll go later to feed the horses.” He got out of the truck, so she did the same and followed him inside, trying to gauge his mood. He’d been out of sorts all day, and it was revealing to see a whole new side of him. The second the door closed behind her, he turned to her, hands on hips, expression unreadable. “I want to hear about your concerns.”

  “It’s nothing terrible.”

  “I still want to know.”

  “I’m concerned,” she said, “that you may get tired of being with just me after a while. You’re used to more… variety, shall we say, and I—”

  “I’ll never get tired of being with you. What else are you concerned about?”

  “That you think it’ll be enough to be with just me—”

  “I know it will be. What else?”

  “How do you know that, Landon? You’ve never done an actual relationship in your entire life.”

  “And you have?”

  “No, but—”

  “How do you know that I’ll be enough for you?”

  “You will be—”

  “But how do you know that for sure?”

  “I just do.”

  “I just do, too. I love you, Amanda. I’m in love with you. I want to be with you all the time. This isn’t a fling or a passing phase or whatever else you want to call it. This is it for me. You’re it for me. I don’t want anyone else. Do you have any other concerns?”

  Her brain raced to catch up to what he’d said as her heart beat double time. “Ah, no. No more concerns.”

  He took a few steps to close the distance between them and put his hands on her hips. “Are you sure?”

  She looked up at him and nodded.

  “You don’t have anything to worry about where I’m concerned. I promise.”

  Amanda flattened her hands on his chest and looked up at him, wondering what she’d ever done to be so lucky to have a man like him love her. “That might be the best gift anyone has ever given me.”

  “You’re the only one I want, the only one I’ll ever want.”

  “You’re so certain of that. How can you know for sure?”

  He took a second to think about that. “Remember when you got Kelly’s letter and you never hesitated about taking Stella?”

  She nodded.

  “That’s how I feel about you. Yes. Just yes. Hell to the yes. Yes, yes, yes to all things Amanda.” With his hands on her face, he kissed her. “Please tell me you believe me.”

  “I do. That’s the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me.”

  “All I want is more of this, more of you, any way I can get it. Don’t doubt for one second that I’m all in with you—and with Stella when the time comes.”

  “Thank you, Landon. That means everything to me. You’ve been my rock through all of this, and I’ll never forget the way you took me in after the fire, let me cry all over you for days and propped me up after I got the letter about Stella.”

  “Every minute I get to spend with you is the best minute I’ve ever spent with anyone.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  “Heaven grant us patience with a man in love.”

  —Rudyard Kipling

  On the way to work a few hours later, Landon told himself it didn’t matter that he was the only one who’d said he was in love and all in with their relationship. She’d expressed gratitude for what he’d done for her, but she hadn’t told him she loved him, too, even though he was fairly certain she did.

  Why hadn’t she said it? And what did it mean that he’d said it and she hadn’t? He had no idea, and the not knowing was going to kill him during a twelve-hour shift away from her. After this, he would be off work for four days. He hoped the trip to Boston, the wedding and four days together would give her the time she needed to catch up to him.

  The thing about being all in, he was finding, was that it became absolutely critical for the person you were all in with to be there with you. What if she wasn’t? What if her feelings for him were wrapped up in appreciation for what he’d done for her after the fire and weren’t about love or forever at all?

  That thought sent him into a tailspin. Wouldn’t that be just his luck to finally find a woman he wanted to be with forever and her not want the same thing? He released a laugh tinged with irony. He probably deserved that after his years of dodging anything that smacked of commitment or more than one night at a time.

  When he arrived at the firehouse, he was surprised to see Dani’s car parked outside. What was she doing there? He headed inside to find Lucas, Dani and Savannah visiting with their fire department coworkers. Savannah was snuggled into Lucas with his uninjured arm wrapped around her. Landon was relieved to see his brother looking much better than he had the last time he saw him. He’d lost that pasty-faced complexion that was so not like him and had color in his cheeks again. Thank goodness.

  “What’re you guys up to?” Landon asked.

  “Your brother was feeling restless, so I agreed to take him for a ride,” Dani said. “We ended up here.”

  “He’s looking much better,” Landon said.

  Lucas grinned. “Feel free to continue talking about me like I’m not here.”

  “Don’t mind if we do.” Dani shot him an annoyed look. “He’s driving me batty, Landon. I have to practically sit on him to keep him from doing too much.”

  “Not that I mind when she sits on me,” Lucas said to laughter from the other firefighters.

  Dani glared at him. “Shut your mouth, Lucas Abbott.”

  “I like this woman so much,” their chief, Richard, said. “She keeps you in line, Abbott.”

  Lucas scoffed. “She can try.”

  Dani gave him a quelling look.

  “Love you, honey.”

  “Lu, Lu, Lu,” Savannah said.

  “She always takes his side,” Dani said.

  Lucas kissed the top of Savannah’s head. “Because she’s my best girl.”

  “We need to get her home for dinner and a bath,” Dani said.

  “Give Abbott a bath while you’re at it,” Richard said. “He’s a little gamey.”

  While the others laughed, Lucas stroked the beard that had grown in during his convalescence. “It’s hard to shave with only one hand.”

  “I’ll do it for you if you want,” Landon said.

  “Maybe tomorrow before we leave for Boston. It’s starting to get itchy.”

  “Sure, no problem.” Landon walked them out, noting that while Lucas looked much better, he was still moving slowly. “I’ll be over in the morning.”

  “Sounds good,” Lucas said. “You doing okay? You look a little weird through the eyes.”

  “I do?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  Landon wasn’t surprised that Lucas could tell just by looking at him that something wasn’t quite right. While Dani secured Savannah into her car seat, Landon took advantage of a minute alone with his brother. “Things with Amanda are…”

  “What?”

  “Good. Really good.”

  “Okay… So why the long face?”

  “I’m not sure she’s as into it as I am.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Because I basically told her how I feel and what I want, and she didn’t say it back.”

  “Huh.” Lucas scratched at the scruff on his face.

  “What do you suppose that means?”

  “I don’t think it means all is lost. She might not be ready to say the words yet.”

  “What if you’d said the words to Dani and she hadn’t said them back?”

  Lucas grimaced. “Yeah, that would’ve sucked.”

  “It did suck. I mean, I’m glad I got it out there and everything, but all she said was how thankful she is for everything I’ve done for her since the fire.”

  “Ouch.”

  Dani came arou
nd to where they were standing. “Can I say something?”

  “Of course,” Landon said.

  “She’s had a lot to deal with since the fire. A lot, a lot. Give her some room to breathe. She’s making the kind of changes that lead me to believe she wants what you do.”

  “I suppose that’s true.”

  “It is true, Landon. She could be anywhere in the world, and she’s choosing to be here. You don’t think that has something to do with you?”

  “Partially.”

  “How do you mean?”

  “She loves a lot of things about being here.”

  “Mostly you, dude,” Lucas said. “She’s totally into you. I saw that when you guys came to visit. You just gotta be patient and give her time to sort it all out. I think you’ll be happy with where she ends up.”

  “Patience is painful.”

  Lucas laughed. “It can be, but the rewards are so worth the pain. Just ask my love, Dani, how happy she is that I was patient and waited for her to realize she couldn’t live without me.”

  Dani gave him a playful slap upside his head.

  Lucas grabbed her hand and brought it to his lips, kissing along her row of knuckles. “When it’s the right thing, you do what you’ve got to do,” Lucas said, keeping his gaze fixed on her. “Whatever it takes.”

  “Thanks,” Landon said. “This actually helped a lot.”

  “I’m sure it’s hard for you to believe I’m actually smarter than you are when it comes to love,” Lucas said before Dani’s hand covered his mouth to thankfully shut him up.

  “You need to learn to quit while you’re ahead,” Dani said as Lucas’s eyes danced with mirth.

  “Take him home and muzzle him,” Landon said. “I’ll be over in the morning to delouse him before the wedding.”

  “We’ll see you then,” Dani said. “Have a good night at work and be safe.”

  “Will do.” When they were both in the car, Landon shut the passenger door and waved as they drove off. Leave it to Lucas to make even falling in love into a competition between them. But that didn’t surprise Landon. They’d been trying to outdo each other in just about everything since the day they were born. Everything was a competition, so why not love, too?

  As much as it pained him to admit, Lucas was right about being patient. Just because Amanda hadn’t opened a vein to profess her love for him didn’t mean she wasn’t feeling the same way he was. Maybe she just wasn’t ready to say the words.

  Fair enough. He could wait, as long as he had to, for her to catch up to him. Like Lucas had said, when it mattered, you did whatever it took to make it work.

  After tonight, he had four whole days—and nights—to show her what it meant to be loved by Landon Abbott.

  He couldn’t wait for the morning.

  From the minute Landon left for work, Amanda had been beating herself up for so spectacularly blowing one of the most important moments of her life. He’d basically put his heart in her hands, and what had she done?

  Thanked him for helping her after the fire.

  Nothing says “I love you” like gratitude.

  She cringed recalling his sweet words and how she’d failed to give him even the slightest bit of what he’d so willingly given her. “God, I suck. How could I not tell him how much he means to me?”

  Despite her ankle aching after a busy day, she paced the length of the small house, feeling confined and anxious that she’d made a huge mistake by acting like a fool after he poured his heart out to her. What he’d said about feeling the same way she did about Stella—no hesitation—she’d thanked him for all he’d done for her.

  “Ugh!” She’d planned to spend tonight finishing her profiles of Mildred and Elmer, but how could she concentrate on anything else while this awful unfinished business with Landon hung over her?

  She couldn’t. Making a snap decision, she put her shoes on, grabbed her keys and purse and was out the door a minute later, before she could talk herself out of taking care of this right now, rather than letting it fester overnight.

  They were all looking forward to the weekend in Boston, and the last thing she wanted was tension with Landon or him thinking he was out on the proverbial limb by himself when that couldn’t be further from the truth.

  Amanda navigated dark, winding roads, hoping she’d remembered the way to the fire station correctly. She was so caught up in her own thoughts that she didn’t see the gigantic moose in the road until it was nearly too late. Screaming, she slammed on the brakes, and the car fishtailed wildly thanks to the mud still on the road. In the flash of a second, she slammed into the guardrail, and the car pitched forward into darkness, teetering precariously.

  In the time it took her brain to catch up with what’d happened, she remembered Landon telling her that at least once a year, someone went off the side of the road into the ravine forty feet below that very spot. Even though she couldn’t see the drop, she knew it was there and couldn’t bring herself to so much as breathe out of fear of the car falling into the abyss. Blinded by tears, all she could think about was dying before she got to meet Stella.

  “Please don’t let that happen. Please.”

  She had no idea how long she was there, fighting to stay calm, before another car came along. Afraid to so much as turn her head to see if the car had stopped, Amanda stayed perfectly still and prayed furiously that the other driver saw her.

  Then a man was outside her window. “Don’t move,” he yelled. “I’m going to get help.”

  She gave the slightest nod to let him know she’d heard him, but even that felt like too much movement as the car inched forward. Amanda stifled the scream that was trying to get out.

  “I’ll be right back.” Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him run back to his car and take off, leaving her alone again in the dark. How long would it take for help to arrive, and would the guardrail hold in the meantime? The thought of plunging into darkness was terrifying.

  The tears kept coming, but she was too afraid to move to mop them up. One near-death experience had been more than enough to give her the wake-up call she’d needed to stop sleepwalking through life. She certainly didn’t need a second reminder to get the message the universe was trying to send her.

  Maybe you do need it, she thought, after letting Landon leave earlier with everything left unsaid.

  God, if I die, he’ll never know that was I coming to find him, to tell him…

  What? What were you going to tell him?

  That I love him. That I want him and a life with him and Stella and whatever children we may have together. I want this town and its moose and its quirky people and the big, loving Abbott family and their amazing business. I want it all. Well, maybe not the ravine below. I don’t want that at all.

  Hysteria threatened, but she fought it back by breathing through it.

  “Please, Landon,” she whispered. “Please hurry. I need you.”

  It felt like a year went by before she picked up the tone of sirens in the distance, easily the best sound she’d ever heard. Forcing herself to continue breathing, she clutched her hands together so the shaking and trembling wouldn’t jar the car.

  Bright headlights and flashing red lights filled the small space in the car seconds before Landon’s panicked face appeared on the other side of the window. “Stay still for another minute, honey. We’ll get you out.”

  She gave a subtle nod to indicate she’d heard him.

  Then he was gone, and she wanted to beg for him to come back. Please come back. Outside the car, she heard frantic voices that only added to her anxiety. Then a loud clanking sound and the roar of an engine as the car inched backward, away from the precipice. The driver door flew open, her seat belt was released, and she was pulled into the arms of the man she loved.

  “I’ve got you, baby.”

  Amanda finally allowed herself to fall apart as she clung to him. “Don’t let go.”

  “Never. I’ll never let go.”

  Time ceased to
exist. All around them, people were talking, barking orders, retrieving the car, calling for a tow in a mishmash of words and images bathed in the red of emergency lights.

  “Does anything hurt?” Landon asked.

  “No, I’m fine. Now.”

  “I couldn’t believe it when I saw your car. I thought you were staying home to work tonight.”

  “I was until I realized I forgot to tell you something really important before you left.”

  He smoothed the hair back from her tear-stained face. “What did you forget to tell me?”

  “That I love you, too, and I couldn’t bear for you to go all night wondering why I didn’t say it back to you.”

  His handsome face lit up with pleasure. “You could’ve called me.”

  “No, I had to tell you in person. I felt so bad after you left. You said such beautiful things, and my brain, it just froze. When it finally defrosted, I was horrified.”

  “Shhh, it’s okay. Everything is okay.”

  “I can’t imagine how scared Dani must’ve been when she went off the road, in a blizzard, with a baby in the car.”

  “Thank goodness Lucas saw it happen and rescued her.”

  Amanda nodded. “Thank you for rescuing me. I just kept asking you to come and to hurry.”

  “I got here as fast as I could.”

  “I was so scared I wouldn’t get the chance to tell you that I’m all in, too.”

  “I’m so glad you did.”

  She rested her head against his chest, filled with relief to be safe in the arms of the man she loved. “Me, too.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  “He, who every morning plans the transactions of the day, and follows that plan, carries a thread that will guide him through a labyrinth of the most busy life.”

  —Victor Hugo

  Landon took her home and stayed with her until she fell asleep. When he’d seen her car teetering between life and death, he’d nearly suffered a stroke. He should’ve gone back to the firehouse to sleep, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave her.