A Very Bossy Christmas

by Kayley Loring

  “Wicked pissah of a night!” Billy Boston yells out, and then he drops his head to the table with a loud thud.

  “That’s enough outta you, Boston,” I say into the mic.

  Nonna is frowning and cursing at him from another table.

  “Thanks for being here, buddy,” Brady says, raising his glass of water to me.

  “It’s good to see you back in the arms of your beautiful bride, where you belong.”

  I wait for the “awwwws” to subside. I wasn’t even playing that one for effect, but I’ll take it.

  “At some point last night—and to be honest, most of the night is a blur, but—at some point…I remember sitting on the ground next to Brady. We may have been hiding from our cousins…”

  Pause for laughter and for Nolan to yell out, “You can run but you can’t hide, Americans!”

  “But I remember asking him, because I had been wondering for a long time, how long he’d known that he was in love with Hannah…”

  There’s a bit of murmuring, and a hush falls over the room.

  “I don’t mean to bring this up in a weird way,” I assure the guests. “As some or all of you may know, Hannah and I dated on and off for a very long time. And as some or all of you may know, I was not the world’s greatest boyfriend. I wasn’t the worst—but I wasn’t the great guy she deserved. Brady told me that he’d had a crush on her ever since the first time I brought her home for Thanksgiving. That was over a decade ago. That’s a long time to sustain a crush. But he said he knew he was in love with her when he found out she’d left me and moved back to Cleveland, and his first instinct was to call her and not me. He said he talked himself out of calling her right away. But for the next week, she was all he could think about. And then, seemingly out of the blue, Hannah sent him a message on Facebook. She asked him the name of the book he’d mentioned at Christmas a couple of years ago. Which, as we all know, is code for ‘I want you. Do something about it.’”

  Pause for murmuring and laughter.

  “He did something about it. He felt guilty about it. Hannah felt guilty about it. But there was no denying how they felt about each other… I was not super chill and full of grace when I found out about this. But right now, I’m about as happy as a man can be that his brother decided to date and then marry his ex-girlfriend.” I look directly at Brady. “Because you knew how rare it is to find someone that you can sustain that kind of feeling for, for over a decade. Because you both probably had feelings for each other for over a decade. But you’re such classy, considerate people that you didn’t act on it until I had finally blown it with Hannah for good. Because you didn’t want to waste any more time not being her husband.

  “I get that. There’s a woman I had a crush on ever since the first time I saw her too. Ever since the first time I spoke to her on the phone, to be honest. She had been all I could think about for over two months. And I know without a doubt that she will dominate my thoughts for the rest of my life. I know that I’m crazy in love with her. The problem is, I’m nothing like Brady. I’m not considerate of other people’s feelings. I’m not patient. I don’t think with my head and my heart. I grew up wanting to be like Brady—sorry, Aiden,” I say to my other older brother. “You were cool too, but Brady was the one who’d tell me a watermelon wouldn’t actually grow in my stomach after I swallowed those watermelon seeds. Brady was the one who didn’t tell Ma that I egged that asshole’s car that one time. Anyway…I don’t blame you for liking Brady more than me, Hannah. And I’m going to try to be more like him again. For the woman’s sake and for mine… I forgot to bring my drink up with me, but here’s to recognizing love and to respecting it enough to go after it with your whole heart, even when you aren’t drunk.”

  I go over to hug Brady and Hannah, to shake hands with Hannah’s family and everyone at their table. And then I head for the exit because I’m going to try calling Maddie one more time. But I stop in my tracks when I spot the most beautiful woman in the room, and she’s staring right at me.

  My brain is still a little slower than usual, but my feet start taking me to her immediately.

  Or maybe it’s my heart that’s finally leading me in the right direction.

  My head is screwed on straight again.

  Oxygenated blood is coursing through my veins again, but most of it’s going directly to my cock.

  I’m awake and alert and at ease.

  Because there she is. The woman I love. She’s still wearing her winter coat. Her shiny brown hair is up in a bun, her lower lip is quivering, and her big brown eyes are about to spill over with tears. The woman I’ve wanted to call and text and see again and again, ever since the first time we spoke. The woman who has handled me exactly the way I’ve always needed to be handled. The woman I should have said this to on Christmas night: “I love you.”

  I take that gorgeous face in my hands and kiss her on the mouth. Hard and fast, because I’ve been dying to do this for so long. And then slow and tender because I know that I’ll be kissing this woman every day for the rest of my life. “I love you,” I say again between kisses. “I’m so in love with you.”

  And then I remember that I need to listen to what she came here to say.

  “I love you,” I say once more. “I’m not going to have the last word—you talk now. Hi.”

  Thirty-Seven

  Maddie

  LOVE CRAPTUALLY

  I sort of just want to hear Declan Cannavale tell me he’s in love with me about a thousand more times before I start talking, but he’s looking at me so intently, still holding my face in his hands, so what else can I say to him other than: “I love you too. I heard your speech. I loved what you said. All of it.”

  “You heard the whole thing?”

  “You were just picking up the mic when I walked in.”

  He keeps staring at my mouth. “Are you hungry? Do you need to eat?”

  “I stress ate all morning and at the airport, actually.”

  He rubs my shoulders and arms through my puffy coat. I really hope he doesn’t insist on staying, because I do not want to take my coat off here in front of Declan’s family and a bunch of strangers. “You wanna get out of here?” he mutters.

  “Yes. Yes. I do.”

  “Let’s go.” He takes my hand and leads me toward the exit.

  “Don’t you want to tell someone you’re leaving?”

  “I’ll text them from the cab… Shit. The hotel room might be a disaster.”

  I laugh. “Oh, it was. I went to the hotel first and got the room key, since my name was on the reservation. I called housekeeping to take care of it as soon as I walked in.”

  “God, I love you. You think of everything. I love everything about you.”

  “Declan,” I say without breaking stride. “I’m still taking another job. I can’t work for you when I feel this way.”

  “I know. It sucks. I’ll never find another assistant as good as you. But I understand.”

  “I will help you find another assistant.”

  “Damn right you will. And train her.”

  “And train you.”

  “Good luck with that. But first, please elaborate as to how you feel.”

  “Madly in love with you.”

  “Right.”

  “Deliriously attracted to you.”

  “Excellent.”

  Declan gets his coat from the coat check, but I continue talking anyway.

  “Unable to keep my hands off you.”

  “Great to hear.”

  “Moved beyond words by your generosity and thoughtfulness.”

  “Well, that’s a first.”

  “I know you got Cindy that karaoke machine. I know you gave my landlady a new coat.”

  He tries to frown, but he can’t stop smiling. “I was just bribing them, you know that.”

  “Nope. You’ve got a big heart, Declan Cannavale. And I’m going to tell everyone.”

  “Then I’ll have to sue you for defamation of character.”<
br />
  “I’ll tell everyone you watched Love Actually with my family and that you cried.”

  “Pssh. I was crying from trying so hard not to laugh at how cheesy it was.”

  “Nope. You weren’t. I’m gonna show you and the world just how sweet you are. Everyone will know you’re full of crap every time you try to act like a cocky asshole.”

  “Okay, that’s enough out of you, Coop.” He gets me to stop talking in the most wonderful way.

  And we don’t stop kissing for more than a few seconds, all the way back to the hotel room.

  He removes his coat and drops it to the floor as soon as we’re inside the door, but I slowly unzip mine, stepping away from him so he can stop and get a good look at the dress I’m wearing. It’s a black sleeveless gown with a plunging neckline and a slit that goes all the way to my upper thigh. It’s one of the many sale items I’ve purchased online over the years, just in case I ever got invited to one of those masquerade balls that people always seem to go to in dirty romance novels.

  “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

  “Piper packed my suitcase for me. She seems to be under the impression that Cleveland is on a very fancy, sexy tropical island. She only threw in sleeveless dresses, four-inch heels, and lingerie. No stockings.”

  “I really love that kid. When’s her birthday? I’m going to buy her a car.”

  “Wait till you see what’s underneath this thing.” I lift the straps and let them fall from my shoulders, shimmying out of the dress and then turning around slowly so Declan can get the full picture of me in a scalloped lace bodice teddy and strappy heels.

  He slides his hand down the side of his face and says, “I’m going to buy her a house” as he tackles me and we both land on the bed. “How do I get you out of this thing without ripping it apart?”

  “There are snaps down there.”

  “That might be my favorite thing you’ve said to me so far tonight.” He finds the snaps down there. “I just need to tell you one more thing with words, and then I’m going to tell you everything I have ever wanted to say to you with my mouth and my tongue and my fingers and my cock.”

  “Go on…”

  He massages my hips and kisses the inside of my thigh and then says, “I need you to know that I might not always be in a good mood, and sometimes it might seem like I’m more focused on work than anything else. But I will always, always love you more than anything. Okay?”

  “Okay. I get you now, Declan. I get you.” I interlace my fingers with his.

  “Also, I didn’t mean it when I said I wouldn’t write you a letter of recommendation about your fake girlfriend skills. You were top-notch.”

  “Well, thank you, but that’s the kind of thing you can go ahead and tell me with your mouth and your tongue and your fingers and your cock.”

  I can feel that mouth smiling against my skin.

  “Yes, ma’am. You’re the boss of me.”

  “Yes, sir, I am.”

  Declan had a lot to say to me with his mouth and tongue and fingers and cock last night. I let him relieve himself of his Catholic guilt all over me, again and again, and forgave him for his very minor sins, again and again. And I smacked him on the butt just once, for Bex and Piper.

  We managed to get about five hours of sleep. I was able to buy a pair of stockings from the hotel gift shop and borrow a cardigan from Casey. So, for the wedding I look like a very tired but satisfied high-class prostitute who doesn’t want to catch a cold. Declan looks so handsome in his tux; I burst into tears as soon as I saw him. I no longer feel conflicted about whether or not to kiss or slap his gorgeous face when he gets me all riled up. I will always, always kiss him. But I will also always say whatever I have to, to put him in his place.

  I already have three meetings scheduled with possible future employers for next week, and according to the recruiter, they are all very eager to hire me and willing to get very competitive with their offers. I will take my time finding the happiest, most polite attorney at the company with the most relaxed work culture possible. Because I only need one moody lawyer in my life, and Declan and I are both going to get serious about that work-life balance thing.

  He asked me to move in with him while we were eating breakfast in bed this morning. One step at a time, I told him. I need to get settled at a new job and see how we are together as a couple first. But I already know how we are together, and I love it. I just don’t want to break Mrs. Pavlovsky’s heart again by moving out too soon. Maybe at the end of February, so Declan and I can take her out for Valentine’s Day dinner or something to soften the blow.

  The wedding ceremony at the church was long and lovely. The reception and New Year’s Eve party is at a different hotel ballroom—all sparkly with black and gold decorations—and we’ve been dancing for about an hour now. It’s getting close to midnight. My date disappeared a couple of minutes ago and left me here on the dance floor with his cousins Nolan and Billy. I honestly don’t know if I believe what he told me about them—they’re so sweet and polite.

  The Motown song segues to “Come and Get Your Love,” and I look around for Declan because I need to make fun of him immediately. As I’m craning my neck, I spot him. In that beautiful tux, his dress shirt unbuttoned, bowtie undone and hanging casually around his neck. The crowd between us parts to make way for him because he’s doing that ridiculous Star-Lord dance, headed my way. Same as he did that time in the hotel room, except he’s not naked. Nolan and Billy do the dance too, moving away from me.

  Declan spins around with his arms in the air, and when he reaches me, he drops to one knee. It takes me a few seconds to realize what’s happening, because people have formed a big dancing circle around us, and I’m really into this song. But when he reaches into his jacket pocket and holds up a diamond ring, I nearly burst into tears again.

  “Maddie Cooper…I want to live with you. I want to marry you. I want to make babies with you. I want to grow old with you. I want you to bury me and cry over my grave, and then I want to fall in love with you all over again in heaven. Or hell. We’ll see how good I am at atoning for my sins.”

  “Wow. That is the most Catholic thing anyone has ever said to me.”

  “I just spent an hour at a Catholic wedding. What’d you expect? Also, I want to go to Ireland and Italy with you.”

  “Anything else?”

  “Everything, Cooper. Literally, everything else. Will you marry me?”

  “Yes. Yes, Declan Sullivan Cannavale, I am going to marry the crap out of you.”

  I hold my left hand out so he can slide the ring onto my finger. It’s a little loose, but it’s antique and stunning. Everyone around us, including the bride and groom, are cheering and applauding, and then they go back to dancing to give us some privacy. He stands up to kiss my hand. “Nonna let me borrow her engagement ring until we find the perfect one for you in New York.”

  I look around for Nonna, who is sitting at a table at the edge of the dance floor. She’s frowning at me, but she gives me a thumbs-up. I blow her a kiss, and then I kiss Declan. The song fades out, and somewhere Declan’s parents are doing the countdown to midnight into a microphone, but we just keep on kissing into next year.

  It’s the perfect way to celebrate our new beginning together—as a real couple, drunk in love. Partners who can take turns bossing each other around in and out of the bedroom. I’ll be sure to add a clause in our marriage contract that ensures he’ll dance naked for me at least once a month for the rest of his life.

  Gold confetti is being dumped on us, and people are singing “Auld Lang Syne” by the time we finally pull away long enough to take a breath and say to each other, “Happy New Year, future wife.”

  “Happy New Year, future husband.”

  And then we kiss again, for auld lang syne.

  Whatever that means.

  EPILOGUE ONE – Piper

  January 1st

  Dear Diary,

  I can’t believe it was only one year ago that
Declan’s butt came into my life, and now I’m actually related to that butt by marriage. As of yesterday, he is my uncle. So I guess I shouldn’t be staring at or thinking about his butt anymore. Or not as much, anyway.

  I’m sort of related to Eddie Cannavale by marriage now too, but I Googled it, and we could still legally marry each other. I know I’m only fourteen, and he seems to be really super in love with someone who isn’t me and will probably marry her—but I need to know my legal romantic options. Being around Uncle Declan has rubbed off on me LOL.

  Anyhoo… The wedding. I think Maddie was a little nervous that Declan and the rest of the guys from the bachelor party wouldn’t even make it to the ceremony, but they totally did. Supposedly one of Declan’s cousins passed out on the Staten Island Ferry, and another one of them woke up at the zoo, but even they made it on time.

  It was definitely the nicest one I’ve ever been to. Okay it’s the only one I’ve ever been to. But it was even nicer than most of the movie ones I’ve seen. I guess they are making New Year’s Eve weddings a tradition in the Cannavale family or something. Not that the Irish side of their family needs an excuse to get hammered and party all night LOL.

  From what I heard, some people in Declan’s family were a little miffed that Maddie isn’t Catholic, but they had a priest marry them at a really cool space in the West Village, and once everyone saw how pretty it was I don’t think anyone cared that it wasn’t at a church. Everything was gold and silver and black and white. Mom was matron of honor, of course, and I got to be a bridesmaid! We wore gold dresses, and I was paired up with Eddie!!! As Great Aunt Mel would say—could you die?! So pictures of us might end up on celebrity gossip sites! I keep checking but nothing yet. Oh well I’m totally going to send them some.

  Maddie wore a glittering silver and white gown and when Declan saw her walking down the aisle with her dad, he started crying. Not like a big baby, but like a man who is head over heels in love with his stunning wife. It was really cute, and the way they looked at each other…it made me want to grow up.