“You okay?” Reggie is seated beside her, forehead crinkled and head tilted.
Chrissy looks up, wondering how long Reggie’s been in the room. “Yeah. I said I’d call her next week. She wants to meet, but I’m not ready for that.”
Reggie runs her hand up and down Chrissy’s arm. “I’m proud of you. Go at your own pace. If she’s sincere, I’m sure she’ll wait for you to be ready.”
“Yeah. I guess we’ll see.”
“I got a text from Cathy. They’re on their way here.”
“Oh, good.” She reaches out for Reggie’s hand. Bracing herself, Chrissy rises, holding the warm icepack. “Maybe another walk later? We can see if I can get farther than one block.”
“And if you don’t, it’s okay.” Reggie takes the pack. “As long as you’re moving forward, it’s not as important how many steps you take.” Her words take on a different meaning for Chrissy. One step at a time. I can do that.
***
“Are you listening to yourself? How can you believe I’m going behind your back like that?” Chrissy says, her voice rising as outrage washes through her. Last night they shared a wonderful New Year’s Eve together. They ate Chinese food, watched the ball drop, declared their resolutions, and kissed. Chrissy felt hopeful and happy. All that seems like a distant memory now.
Reggie frowns. “What am I supposed to think? All of a sudden you’re going back to your apartment. You’re back in touch with your family and who knows who else. I was here when you needed someone, but now that you’re feeling stronger, you’re leaving me.”
Chrissy slams her glass on the counter. “What has gotten into you? Ben has to go back to school on Tuesday. Like I said this morning, I want to get him settled and back into a routine. We love it here, but…”
“But it’s not your home.” Reggie’s voice is flat, and she crosses her arms. They’re standing in the kitchen, dinner dishes forgotten. Reggie became quieter throughout the day, communication nonexistent. It was as if Chrissy were watching a thunderstorm roll in. And now the storm has hit.
“I want to sit on my worn couch and put my feet up on the coffee table and surf the channels.”
“I get it. You don’t feel at home here.” Reggie turns toward the sink and runs water over the dishes before stacking the dishwasher.
Chrissy watches, not sure how to calm her down. “Reggie, you’ve taken such good care of me, but I’m your guest. Don’t you want to be able to do whatever you want without worrying about me?”
“No. I want you and Ben here. I want to hear you talking while I cook us a meal. I want to find you napping on the sofa. I want to hold you throughout the night. I thought you wanted those things, too.”
Chrissy places a hand on her shoulder, waiting for her to switch the water faucet off before turning her around. “Reggie, I love you. That hasn’t changed. It’s going to be hard to leave here.”
“Then don’t,” Reggie whispers. Her dark brown eyes plead with her to agree.
Chrissy shakes her head. “You know it’s too soon for that, but this doesn’t mean we’ll never see each other.”
Reggie’s eyes flash, and she turns away to slam the dishwasher closed. “How will that work exactly? Will you fit me in on the nights Ben’s father isn’t available?” Her chin juts out, voice chilly. “I’m nobody’s booty call.”
Bewildered, Chrissy tries to understand why Reggie’s so upset. Did I do something to make her think that’s all she is to me? Why is she bringing Ben’s father up? “What are you talking about? I haven’t seen him since before Ben was born.”
“Don’t lie to me,” Reggie yells, eyes wild. “I know you’ve talked to him. He left a message two days ago on the office voicemail, and it was already picked up. Not telling me about it proves my point. The only reason I can think of for you keeping it a secret is that you want to see whether you have a shot at being with him again before breaking up with me.”
Chrissy’s jaw slackens as she listens to Reggie’s accusations. She had no idea Jeff left a message. “I didn’t hear the message.”
Reggie scoffs, and from the way her eyes burn, Chrissy hardly recognizes her. “He said he got the number from your mother.”
“You know, I don’t know what’s worse. Your belief I’ll dump you as soon as I get a better offer or your belief I’d keep something like this from you. You really don’t think much of me, do you? Not to mention I deserve the opportunity to decide for myself what to do. You should have brought it up when you heard the message, and I should have a choice on whether I want to contact him.” How can she think I’d go behind her back? She’s supposed to believe in me. Sadness and anger vie for attention, and anger’s winning.
“Like the choice you gave me of hiding under a desk while you put your life on the line?”
“You’d rather Hogan shot you in the heart?”
“What do you think you’re doing to me right now?” Reggie slaps her hands on the kitchen counter.
“I don’t deserve this. I’ve done nothing to lead you to believe I’d betray you.” Chrissy turns away, back stiff and mind set. Tears burn at the back of her throat as she walks away. They’re leaving. Now. She can’t stay in Reggie’s house for another minute. She thought they were building a future, but that takes trust.
“Where are you going? We’re not finished!” Reggie yells after her. Chrissy doesn’t bother answering.
Making it up the stairs, Chrissy pokes her head in the den, where Ben is listening to music. She waves to gain his attention. Once he turns off the music, she says, “Ben, gather your things. We’re leaving in ten minutes.”
“What? Why? I thought we were staying until tomorrow.”
“It’s easier to do it now. Hurry up.” Chrissy returns to Reggie’s room. She finds her bag and fills it with her belongings. After deliberating, she dons the coat Reggie bought her and slings the bag strap over her neck to rest on her left shoulder so the bulky bag rests at her right hip. Although she’s able to avoid hitting the large lacerations and broken ribs, she can’t avoid various smaller bruises. She ignores the sparks of pain while scanning the room to make sure she hasn’t forgotten anything. Nope. The only thing I’m leaving behind is my heart.
Ben appears in the door, backpack hanging off his shoulder. When they get downstairs, he goes into the kitchen to say goodbye to Reggie. Chrissy stands near the front door. She feels sick, and she can taste acid in the back of her mouth. She swallows, pushes down her doubts and despair. Finally, Ben comes out of the kitchen and takes her bag without a word.
“Let’s go, kid.” Her voice sounds hoarse, and she knows Ben is worried. As she opens the door, she feels Reggie’s eyes on her. She doesn’t look back.
“Mom?” Ben’s voice is high. Chrissy realizes she’s crying, and she sniffs, wiping her eyes. “Why did we leave? Reggie was crying, too.”
“Everyone knew we’d have to return to our apartment. That doesn’t make it easier.”
“But we’ll be seeing her this week, won’t we?”
Shaking her head as they enter the subway stop, Chrissy mutters, “Come on, Ben. We’ll talk at home.”
She grits her teeth as they make their way downstairs to the platform, ignoring her body’s aches and pains. Ben doesn’t try to talk to her again until they’re in their apartment. Chrissy makes some mint tea and sinks into the couch, not bothering to push away her melancholy thoughts. Now that they’re home, Chrissy’s anger has dissipated, replaced by sorrow. She sips the tea, and Ben sits beside her, arms around his gangly legs and chin propped on his knees.
“What happened, Mom?”
“I’ve never hidden what happened with my parents and your dad before you were born. I’ve always answered your questions. You know that, right?”
“Yeah. Did something happen?”
“My mother left a message at the law firm a few days ago, and I talked to her.”
“You did?”
Chrissy nods. “I did. She wants to see us, but I’m not
sure whether that’s a good idea. I don’t want either of us to get hurt.”
“Maybe she’s changed. Maybe she’s sorry for what she did.”
“Maybe. I’m going to talk to her again, and we’ll see how it goes. Even if she’s gotten over my being pregnant out of wedlock, I don’t know how she’d feel about Reggie.” Chrissy blanches, remembering Reggie may no longer be a factor. “The thing is, I’m not sure whether I want her or my dad in our lives at all. I grieved them for years. It was as if they died. Letting them back in means giving them the ability to hurt me again. To judge me. And I don’t want you to be around people like that.”
“People judge all the time, Mom. It doesn’t matter what they say about you. I know how great you are.”
“There’s another person who’s trying to get in touch. Your father.” Ben’s mouth drops open, but she pushes on. “I haven’t called him back. I haven’t actually listened to the message, yet. It was left at work.”
“Did Reggie hear it?” She nods, and his somber look informs her he’s guessed the rest. “She must know you love her.”
“I don’t know what she’s thinking, other than that you, me, and your father are going to become a happy, little family.” She sighs. “If after the week we shared she believes that, there isn’t anything I can do. She has to trust me.”
“Give her time, Mom.”
Chrissy admits, “What she said hurt me. Her accusations were unfair. Maybe a little distance will help. I don’t know what I’m going to do as far as your father goes. What are your thoughts?”
“I don’t know. I mean, we’ve been fine without him.” He pulls on a small hole over his knee, widening it. Chrissy wants to swat his hand away from his jeans, but she refrains. It’s more important she doesn’t interrupt him while he’s sharing his thoughts. “Have I wondered about him? Yeah, but I’ve never felt like I needed him.”
“You never had the opportunity before. Aren’t you curious? Don’t you have questions for him?” Chrissy reaches out to pat his back.
“Sure, but right now he doesn’t mean anything to me. I mean, I don’t know him. What if I get to know him and he doesn’t want me again?”
He glances over, and she can see his eyes filling up. She hates that he’s hurting. “The thing is, it’s fifteen years later, and a lot has changed. You’ve grown into a wonderful young man, and I’ve turned my life around. It’s possible he’s changed, too. I won’t know unless I talk to him. I think that even if it seems like he has changed, I won’t allow him to meet with us right away.”
“Like with your parents?”
“Yeah.” Chrissy takes another sip of her tea before passing the mug to Ben. “Can you place that on the table?” Once he does, she opens her arms wide, not having to wait long before he moves in for a hug. “We’ve had a lot of changes happen in a short amount of time. If you want to talk about anything, we can.”
“Just, give Reggie a chance. People fight. This is your first one. I mean, we’ve had some big ones over the years.” The way he looks at her, eyes pleading and face flushed, reminds Chrissy of when he was a little boy begging to stay longer at the park. Not that he needs to work too hard to get her to agree. Now that some time has passed, Chrissy’s realized Reggie jumped to conclusions due to fear. Talking to Ben about all the changes they’ve experienced in a short time has highlighted the fact that Reggie has also gone through some huge changes in her life, too.
“True. I’ll try not to give up hope. But if Jeff has changed and we let him be a part of our lives, Reggie’s going to have to be all right with it. These things can get complicated, and if she doesn’t trust me, our relationship won’t last. I get that she feels threatened, and I’ll admit I didn’t react too well when Ashford started sniffing around again a couple of months ago, but if I say nothing’s happening, she needs to believe me.”
“Mom, if you saw her face when I said goodbye. She was so sad.”
“Me, too.” She forces a smile. “And in the meantime, we have one more day of goofing off before you go back to school. Think about what you might like to do tomorrow.”
“I will. Love you, Mom.”
“Love you, too.” She accepts another hug, heart heavy, before he rises from the couch. She wants to believe her fight with Reggie is merely a small hiccup, but that teenage girl inside of her whispers she’s not worth the effort. Shaking her head, Chrissy rejects that voice. She knows Reggie loves her. Reggie will realize she jumped to conclusions, and when she comes to her senses, I’ll be here waiting with open arms.
Chapter Thirteen
It’s been a week. A week without talking to Reggie. Chrissy feels more alone as each day passes. Ben is back at school, and she does her best to act normal when he’s around. Normal. Whatever the hell that means. How does someone who doesn’t have a broken heart act? She knew last week, but now she can’t remember.
She hasn’t called Jeff and doesn’t know whether she will. She needs to get her life back into some semblance of order before she invites more changes. She’s curious to hear what he has to say. He may have some questions, but that doesn’t mean he’ll become a part of their lives.
Chrissy has gotten into a routine. She’s too uncomfortable to return to work, but she takes a walk each day, continues the deep breathing exercises, and ices her ribs. The hardest part is walking up and down her apartment stairs. No, the hardest part is getting in and out of bed. Strike that. The worst part is sleeping without Reggie next to her. Maybe it’s her waning hope that she’ll ever see Reggie again. Her pride won’t allow her to reach out to her. It took a long time for Chrissy to believe she’s worthy of love. What type of message would I be giving if I reached out first? I was so sure she’d come to her senses.
A knock on her door interrupts her spiraling thoughts. It must be a neighbor. A few have stopped by to comment on the newspaper article. She opens the door and blinks, not sure what to do. Reggie stands before her, face flushed and eyes shining. Her hair looks windblown, and her heavy black wool coat is buttoned up to her chin. “May I come in? Please?”
Chrissy wants to say no. She wants to tell her to go to hell and slam the door. She wants to say something cutting, make her hurt the way she’s been hurting for the last week. She’s missed Reggie, and as each day passed, her heart hurt more. Even though she’s angry that it’s taken Reggie this long to show up, though, she’s also relieved to see her. With a sigh, Chrissy moves away from the open door. She hears it close while she fills a pot with water and places it on the stove to heat. When she turns back, Reggie has placed a bag on the counter and is unbuttoning her coat. She stares at Reggie, biting her lower lip as she takes in Reggie’s navy pantsuit and crisp white shirt.
“I brought lunch from Gino’s.”
“Shouldn’t you be working?” Chrissy shifts from one foot to the other. She’s wearing loose green sweatpants and a black sweatshirt. She wishes she had jeans on so she could slip her hands into the front pockets, but she settles for interlacing her fingers, allowing her sleeves to hide her clasped hands. Am I weak for wanting to eat the food Reggie brought? Or for wanting to kiss that frown off her face? Or for wanting to forget about the stupid fight?
“I was at work, training my new paralegal, and I was miserable.” Reggie moves around the small kitchen with ease, gathering what’s needed before placing the filled plates on the table. “I kept wondering how I could make this right. I accused you of things I know you would never do, all due to my insecurities. My belief that you’re too good to be true.” She gives a mirthless chuckle, switching off the stove and filling two cups for tea. She sets the mugs down and takes a seat. “And my greatest fear is that I’ve lost you.”
With slow steps, Chrissy joins her at the table. “You treated me like what I was saying didn’t matter. Like I wasn’t worth the effort to even listen.” Chrissy sighs, cutting up her piece of chicken, not sure she’ll be able to eat but needing something to do. “I dealt with that my entire childhood, and when I was o
n my own, I promised myself I wouldn’t let anyone treat me that way again.”
“I understand that now. When you got hurt at the firm, I didn’t. You said you didn’t matter, and I thought you meant compared to Ben or maybe even me, but that wasn’t it.” She places a hand on Chrissy’s forearm. “You had a shitty childhood with neglectful parents, the people who should have loved you, protected you, supported you no matter what. Ben’s father did the same thing to you. And then I became the worst perpetrator.”
Chrissy doesn’t understand. “What do you mean?”
“I told you that you matter to me, but at the first opportunity to really prove it, I failed. I know you don’t trust people. You don’t let people in. Your love is a gift, and I didn’t take care of it the way I should have. I’m sorry. I should have believed you. I promise I won’t doubt you again.”
She can see Reggie means every word. She can see the conviction, the regret, the yearning, all reflected through Reggie’s expressive eyes. Witnessing her remorse blunts the edge of Chrissy’s anger. It may have taken Reggie some time to reach out, but she’s here now.
“I’m afraid.” Chrissy blinks, surprised by her admission. Nevertheless, what she’s let slip is true. What if I give Reggie another chance and she hurts me again? But I’m miserable without her. Isn’t life better with Reggie in it, even with the possibility of getting hurt again? She’s never felt as happy as she was while in Reggie’s arms, even with the broken ribs and battered body. Chrissy knows she’s not perfect, and it’s unfair to hold Reggie to a higher standard. After all, Reggie showing up at her door and admitting she was wrong is another example of her strength of character.
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