Climbing Fear

by Leisl Leighton

  Reid led them out of the home paddock and onto the dirt road that curled down into the lower valley. They’d had rain just last night so the dust wasn’t too bad even at the back, lifting just enough to mix with the crisp scents of eucalypt, pine, brown boronia and the wet-green heaviness of the tall tree ferns. It was a peculiar mix for an alpine region, particular to this area of Baw Baw Shire. Nat found herself breathing it in, wallowing in the familiar clean warmth of it as the day heated up.

  God, she’d missed this.

  Why had she given this up? She huffed a wry chuckle as the answer to her question came to her immediately. She’d not come back here because she was afraid of what it would show her. Andrew didn’t like horses, the smell, the hair, the dirt, their wildness, which was why she told herself she hadn’t come back here, but if that was true, she would have come back when he was posted overseas and couldn’t object to the dirt under her nails that wouldn’t come out with multiple scrubbings or the smell of horses lingering on her skin and hair. No, the real reason she hadn’t come back was fear. Even then, even before his accident and everything had turned to shit, she was so intent on believing she was happy that she couldn’t let anything upset that ideal she’d fantasised for herself. Coming back here would have made her face the fact she wasn’t happy. Not truly. Because how could you be happy when you weren’t living your life, but living someone else’s? She was so frightened of making a mistake that she’d taken from herself the very place that would prove her wrong, the place that had always made her so happy, that had always been simply, home.

  What an idiot.

  Tilly’s laughter tinkled back to her, bringing her back to the present, making the lump in her throat dissipate. She really needed to be more like her daughter, living life in the present and not so much in her thoughts. She smiled. Oh, to be that young again and have her life and all its possibilities spread before her.

  Tilly laughed again. She and Reid were obviously having a wonderful time. Nat would have liked to ride beside her daughter on her first trail ride but couldn’t begrudge her the pleasure of leading the trail. She remembered how chuffed she’d been when asked to help lead her first ride. Tilly had set off, beaming, her pleasure filling Nat’s chest with sunshine.

  The horse in front of her snorted and whipped its head to the side, grabbing at a frond of greenery. The girl on its back made a little screeching sound which startled the horse, making it take off in a fast trot to catch up to the horse in front. She bobbled sideways, her balance precarious. She looked like she was going to fall off.

  ‘Push down in the stirrups and hold onto the saddle,’ Nat called, kicking up Leia to come alongside the horse—Braveheart, she remembered Reid calling it—and reached forward to grab the reins the girl had dropped in her fright. She pulled the reins back, slowing the horse down. ‘It’s okay. It was just a trot. You did really well.’ The girl was looking at her with big wide eyes and muttered something in Japanese. Nat smiled, getting the gist of her meaning from the tone in her voice even though she didn’t understand the words. ‘I’ll stay by your side for a while, shall I? And if Braveheart trots again, then stand in your stirrups like this.’ She stood forward, showing the movement of body up and forward and legs back a little, straight but not locked—an easy version of the standing trot. ‘Try it.’ The girl shook her head. ‘You’ll be fine. It’s more comfortable when they do that.’ She gestured and stood again, encouraging the girl to try the movement. Still looking at her with a bit of mistrust in her eyes, the girl tried what Nat was showing her. Her eyes opened wide as she felt the movement and smiled. ‘See, more stable that way. It’s easy to stay on when you stand if they trot.’ The girl nodded and bobbed her head. ‘You’re welcome.’ She looked forward and noticed they’d fallen back a little. ‘Come on, we better kick them up.’ She was careful this time to make sure the girl was standing before she urged their horses into a faster walk and then a slow trot. The girl laughed, all fear fading in the wonder of doing something new and feeling more control.

  Reid had ridden to the side of the group and was looking back along the length of the trail. ‘Everything okay?’ he called back.

  ‘Everything’s fine.’ She waved.

  Nodding, he took off back up the front, barely moving his legs but managing to get Han into a slow, steady canter up the side of the column. Wow, he could ride. She’d forgotten how good he was, how seamlessly he moved with the horse, as if they were one, not two separate entities. Even seeing that photo of him jumping Starsky earlier hadn’t given her the full picture of him as a horseman, because the photo was static, only capturing one moment. There was a sinuousness to his movement, his long, powerful legs bracketing the horse, the way he held his hands low, the way he sat down into the Western saddle and yet seemed to be floating at the same time, his wide shoulders square, but loose, everything about him screaming how easy it was for him. His legs must be like pistons to create that kind of smooth seat. But then, as a rock climber and x-sport aficionado, he would have amazing muscle tone and flexibility.

  He always was well built. A memory of him as he rose over her flooded her mind, a time when they were both younger and unflawed.

  She shook her head, banishing the memories of her nights with Reid before the heat of them could blaze through her, firing her skin, although, it was difficult not to compare young Reid to current Reid. She didn’t really need to imagine a comparison as she’d seen the underwear adverts featuring him and Luke. It had been hard to look away. To stare at the perfection that was Reid Stratton. To compare it to what she remembered and then to look down and see the wreck of what she’d become. She was scarred, inside and out. She rubbed at her leg, the raised edges of the scar that ran down her thigh discernible even through the material of her jeans, her hand fluttering up to the other major scar she carried on her shoulder. But it wasn’t only the scars. The years had wrought changes to her body through pregnancy and simply getting older, giving her one more reason why she could never let anything happen between them. She’d swallowed enough pity from other people, she didn’t need his as well.

  The horse in front whickered irritably and flicked its tail, indicating she and Leia and the girl she was riding beside needed to back off a bit. She pulled her attention back to what she was doing and encouraged the girl beside her to hold Braveheart back a little.

  She smiled at the girl and then took in another deep breath and allowed the glory of the Australian bush to sink into her soul. It was a beautiful day, the sky that deep blue that arced overhead at the beginning of summer, the barest hint of white cloud wisping across it. She pulled back as they moved off the road and onto the trail leading into the valley. The air cooled around them as the canopy above them thickened, shrouding them in dappled green and gold light. Wet fronds of long grass and fern brushed over her legs, the damp sinking through the denim, cooling the heat of the sun on her thighs. A bird tweeted crossly at their passing and in the distance a kookaburra’s laugh lifted in the air. The girl, now in front of her, gestured she wanted photos taken. Nat smiled at her enthusiasm and took the camera from her saddle pack, pushing through the undergrowth alongside the trail to take happy snaps of the girl and her friends and the bits of the bush she gestured to.

  Her leg brushed up against a blackened tree stump, leaving a black smear on her jeans. The bush fires that had run riot through this area a few years back had done so much damage, but around that blackened stump was evidence of the bush’s hardiness. Ferns and grass and bushes grew from the ashes of that fire, and in a few more years, many of them would be arcing over their heads. New branches had sprung out of the tree trunks. Some trees had managed the regrowth elegantly; others looked like bristling green echidnas, their leaves so incredibly green. So beautiful.

  She’d forgotten how beautiful.

  They left the narrow path through the bush and came out in a more open area. Some of the horses decided it was time to break from the pack and ambled towards the left where the
re was a stand of long, lush grass growing.

  Nat found herself smiling as she clicked her tongue, urging Leia on to round up the wayward horses and push them back to follow the path of the others. She rode beside each of the riders, showing them how to hold the reins more firmly so the horses wouldn’t go wherever they liked.

  They were laughing and talking and having so much fun. Her smile widened. So was she.

  She heard the thunder of hooves and looked around. Mac pulled up close behind her, one hand holding the battered Akubra on his head she was certain was the same hat he’d owned when she first came here, a smile widening his thin face.

  ‘Whoa, that was good.’

  ‘You were flying.’

  ‘It took me longer to finish up than I’d expected. So, have you had enough of choking on dust?’

  Nat laughed. ‘It isn’t that bad, particularly after the rain. I forgot how much cooler it was down here.’

  ‘Hmm.’ He wiped his brow with the back of his hand, putting a streak of dirt there before plonking his hat back on his sweaty hair. ‘Why don’t you go on up to the front? I’m sure you’d prefer to be riding with your daughter, and Reid could do with some friendly female company of the non-giggling kind.’

  Nat shot him a look. ‘He doesn’t seem to mind it.’

  Mac cocked his brow. ‘No, he’s good that way. Business has picked up a lot since he’s come back—I guess word’s started to get out—but he’s not been big headed about it or anything. He’s happy to take the heat if it helps Barb and Flynn. All I know if it was me, it would drive me around the bend after a while. Girls fawning all over you seems like it would be pretty good but … it’s like a good saddle. After a while, no matter how much you liked it at first, it’s going to wear out and you’ll be wanting another.’

  Nat snorted. ‘Charming.’

  He shot her a cheeky smile. ‘Get up there now. I know he’ll appreciate it.’

  Nat nodded and without another word, pulled out to the side of the line and cantered up to the front, making certain to keep well clear of the nervous line of riders she was passing. She wove between the scattering of trees, sighted a fallen log with a path leading up to it. Guessing it was used as a jump by the more ambitious riders, Nat decided to give it a go. Giving Leia her head, she kicked her up, leaning forward over her neck, legs firm but flexible, lifting out of the saddle as Leia flew up and over the log. Laughing joyfully as they landed smoothly on the other side, Nat sighted another jump and headed that way.

  She was almost at the next jump when Leia reared, almost spilling her out of the saddle. Nat just managed to stay seated, as Leia reared and neighed, the sound distressed, frightened.

  ‘Whoa. Whoa.’ She kept a tight hold on the reins, weight down in the stirrups, knees loose as she tried to calm the frightened horse beneath her. What the hell had frightened her? Was it a snake? ‘Shh, girl. Shh.’

  ‘You okay?’

  Leia danced around in a circle as Reid pushed through the bush on Han, reaching out as if he were about to grab the bridle. ‘I’m fine. I’ve got it.’

  ‘Okay.’

  Surprised he let her deal with it, she managed to sooth Leia, stopping her from rearing, circling her as she snorted and calmed down. ‘Who’s looking after the front of the line?’

  ‘I’d already stopped the ride to give them some photo ops of me and Ben doing some jumps over there. Lisa’s up at the head now.’

  ‘Tilly. Tilly, come back.’

  Nat looked up to see Tilly pushing through the bush on Ariel, Ben just behind her.

  ‘Mum! Mum! Are you okay?’

  ‘I’m fine, Tilly. Leia just got a bit excited with the jump,’ she called out, keeping her voice calm and even while looking around for signs the snake was still here. A smell wafted to her, a sweet, thick smell. Then she saw it and almost gagged. ‘God, Reid.’

  He turned to look where she was looking. His face blanched and he looked over his shoulder to where Tilly was coming closer.

  ‘Ben, take her back.’ He waved to the front of the line. ‘Keep going. We’ll join you when Leia’s calmed down.’

  ‘Okay, boss. Come on, Tills.’

  ‘Tilly, go with Ben,’ Nat called out when Tilly looked like she was going to keep coming this way. ‘Leia got spooked by a snake.’ Nat wished she could have pulled the words back in her mouth the moment she’d said them when Tilly started to look around her wildly.

  ‘A snake? Where?’ She looked interested more than frightened.

  Whew. Although, damn, because that would make it harder to make her leave with Ben rather than stay with Nat. ‘I need to calm Leia down and it’s best if there are fewer horses around for me to do that. Reid will stay with me and we’ll catch up with you in a few minutes.’

  ‘What if the snake is still here?’

  ‘It won’t be. It probably got more of a fright than Leia and is long gone.’

  ‘Oh.’

  Nat would have laughed at the disappointed look on Tilly’s face if she wasn’t already almost gagging because of the smell that was making Leia dance around. ‘Go back with Ben.’ She gestured behind Tilly to Ben who was still waiting, craned around to watch Tilly.

  ‘Do you need help turning Ariel, Tilly?’

  ‘No. I’m fine,’ she said to Ben, showing her horsemanship a moment later by turning her horse and trotting past Ben to the line. ‘Don’t be long, Mum,’ she called out as the group started forward again with her and Ben in the lead, Lisa in the middle by herself now and Mac bringing up the rear. It was a large group, but all three were experienced and should be able to handle the line until Reid and she handled the mess someone had left here.

  Once the line was gone, Reid gestured to the left. ‘Let’s tie the horses up over there. The breeze is coming this way, so they should be away from the stench.’

  Nat nodded and managed to pull the still dancing, snorting Leia around and headed upwind from the stench, glad to get away from the sick, cloying smell. ‘Who would do that?’ she asked Reid as they dismounted and tied the horse’s reins loosely to the branches so if they got another fright they could pull away and run without hurting themselves in the process.

  ‘I thought I heard a couple of gunshots on the way down to the cottage this morning, so maybe this was from that. Although, I’m surprised it’s gone bad so quickly.’

  ‘Shouldn’t they have asked for your permission to hunt on your land?’ They made their way back to the carcass.

  ‘Merryl’s cows got out last night and I thought one of them might have got caught up in a fence or knocked by a car and they were putting it down, but I forgot to check with Mac before the ride. I’ll have to register a complaint now. Although, I’ve got no idea who’d do this. Everyone around here knows our trails and wouldn’t hunt anywhere near where we ride.’

  They’d reached the spot and Nat’s stomach curdled at the sight of the fly infested carcass that lay in front of the fallen tree stump she’d been going to jump. ‘Why shoot it at all if they weren’t planning to eat it?’

  Reid grabbed a stick and turned the bloody carcass over. ‘It’s got myxomatosis. You can see by the eyes and the gunk on the face. The hunter knew enough to know he couldn’t eat this one.’

  ‘But why not bury it?’

  Reid shrugged. ‘Lazy. Uncaring. Who knows.’ He looked around, pointed at another bloody patch nearby. ‘He obviously got another one and it wasn’t sick, so this wasn’t a cull.’

  ‘How can you tell?’

  He pointed to the ground that was soaked with blood then pointed to the nearby bushes. Something glistening and bloody and grey-ish hung over a lower branch. ‘Ew.’

  ‘He skinned and gutted it here.’

  She shuddered.

  Reid smiled at her. ‘So citified?’

  ‘I never liked hunting or culling, no matter how necessary. You know that.’

  ‘You’re looking a bit green. Go over there and I’ll take care of this.’

  She sw
allowed down the bile. ‘No. I’ll help.’

  ‘You don’t have to.’

  ‘I found it. I’ll help take care of it.’ It was the general rule of the bush and she’d never forgotten it.

  They worked quickly, using the foldable hand spade Reid carried in his saddle bag to dig a grave and pushed the remains into it with sticks, burying it along with the guts from the missing rabbit. ‘Done.’ Reid walked back to the horses and pulled a packet of antiseptic wet ones from his saddle bags, handing them to her.

  Nat stared at them for a moment before taking a few and wiping her hands. ‘Some things do change. I never saw you as such a boy scout.’

  He chuckled. ‘There’s nothing wrong with being prepared. Luke and I found the most essential things when camping or tramping was water, a collapsible spade, a good-sized sharp knife and these,’ he said, waving the white square around.

  She laughed. ‘I can imagine big strong men with the other things, but antibacterial baby wipes!’

  ‘We stayed clean in remote areas without water with the help of these little babies, and they also helped stave off infection with cuts and sores we’d always get on our hands when we had nothing to wash them out with. I never leave home without them.’

  ‘Thank god for preparedness.’

  He took her dirty wipes, put them in a plastic bag and stowed it all back in his saddle bags. Then he handed her some water. ‘Drink. It’ll help to get that stench from the back of your mouth.’

  She gulped down the water—it was still cool—and handed it back. He had a drink and then gestured to the horses. ‘Let’s go.’

  They mounted and then, with a, ‘hah!’ set off back through the bush.

  As they trotted away from the burial site, a man dressed in camouflage stepped out of a stand of trees. He narrowed his eyes and lifted the rifle to his shoulder, his finger curling on the trigger.