Climbing Fear

by Leisl Leighton

  But how to start? What could he do to prove to Nat—and himself—that he was ready to take the chance, to be vulnerable?

  Start at the beginning.

  He stood and marched out the front door. The night was cooling, the moon bright in the sky lighting the path before him. He knew where he was going to go, to the climbing wall he’d designed with Flynn and paid to get built. He’d avoided going anywhere near it since coming here, but he’d climbed it before, given Aaron lessons. And while it was different from the original wall that Bob had built him and Luke to climb to stop them from climbing the mining shafts in Walhalla and the dangerously unstable cliff walls of the nearby quarry, memories of Luke were rife there. If he could climb even the easiest section, he’d prove to himself he was man enough to face up to what was eating him alive.

  Just the thought of it made his hands go clammy and his stomach turn over, but the alternative was losing his business and letting Nat get on with her life and find someone better.

  That thought almost made him vomit. He couldn’t leave, couldn’t let her find someone else. Nobody else would ever be right for her. They were meant for each other. He just had to fix what had been broken and return to her someone who could stand at her side and be a partner. Not to be worthy—no, that meant someone was always less. She said she wanted a partner, an equal. He wanted that too.

  He slammed through his front door and ran up to his room, marching into the walk-in-robe to grab out the bag of gear he had brought with him, although, at the time, he didn’t know why. Somewhere, deep inside, he had to have known this was something he’d have to do one day if he was ever to become whole again. He had to face his ghosts and tonight, for the first time since the accident, he felt strong enough to do it.

  He was downstairs and running to his ute before he could give it a second thought. Climbing alone at night was stupid, even on a man-made structure. Climbing alone at any time was stupid. The only person he could think of to be his spotter was the one person who probably didn’t want anything to do with him right now. The person who had challenged him to this. And when he did it, she’d see. She’d know that he was ready to be vulnerable, to share himself, the good and the bad, with her. He couldn’t think of anything else that would make him as vulnerable—trying to climb in front of her when he’d failed so miserably a month ago. Falling apart in front of her wasn’t appealing, but it was a risk he had to take if he was to prove to her, to himself, he was ready to face up to a full life with her.

  He just hoped she wouldn’t tell him to go to hell.

  He drove down the dirt track to the cottage, left the engine running as he ran inside the house. ‘Nat. Nat.’

  She came out of the bedroom hallway, having changed into yoga pants, a workout singlet and the cardi she’d had on earlier wrapped around her. Her eyes were red. Shit, he’d made her cry. ‘Reid?’

  ‘I need you to come with me.’ He grabbed her hand, pulling her forward.

  ‘What? Where are we going?’

  She followed him out the door and into the ute—thank god. She could have yelled at him for the childish way he’d responded to her comments and been completely justified, but she didn’t. ‘I need you to spot me.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’m going climbing.’

  ‘What? Where? The cliffs around here aren’t safe. The rock is too crumbly.’

  ‘I know. Bob and Flynn made a wall for Luke and me to climb, remember? Flynn and I remade it a few years ago for him and Aaron to climb on.’

  ‘Barb did mention that.’

  ‘I’m going to climb it.’

  ‘Reid, this is crazy. It’s the middle of the night.’

  ‘I’ve done night climbs before far more dangerous than this.’ He glanced over at her as he drove. ‘I have to do this. You were right. I was hiding from what happened. But I’m not going to do that anymore. You made yourself vulnerable to me and the least I can do is the same. But I’m not going to stop with that. I want it all, Nat, with you, with my life, and I’m going to change things tonight to help me get there.’

  ‘Reid … but … why the climb?’

  ‘I need to try and if I fail, that’s okay, but I want you to be there, to cheer me on or help me deal after. It’s the only way I’ll be able to move forward. Will you help me, Nat?’

  ‘I … that …’ Her mouth worked for a moment. ‘Why me?’

  He didn’t need her to explain her question. ‘It’s always you. You’re the only one I trust enough to handle all my shit. I know it’s not going to all happen tonight, but I wanted to show you I was willing to try. That I want to be the man you and Barb and Flynn and Luke always saw.’

  ‘Reid.’ Her mouth twisted and she blinked rapidly.

  ‘Band-Aids don’t just cover wounds, Nat. They heal them. We can help each other find the way to heal.’ He pulled onto the fire access road that led through the valley to the cut out in the hill, then came to a stop a few metres from the wall, the lights of the ute shining on the grey surface.

  He hopped out and grabbed his gear from the back, aware of Nat as she got out of the ute and rounded the bonnet to join him.

  The wall rose above them, bigger than he remembered, but even the more difficult graded section with the overhang was easy in comparison with his most testing climbs. He knew the path he would take tonight, although, he could see even at a glance that Flynn had made some changes to the holds. He stared up at the dark wall, the grey moulded fibreglass made to look like the surrounding cliffs. It glistened in the moonlight, the grips dark shadows on the face of it, belaying ropes hanging down over the section he intended to climb. He reached out and touched the surface, the weather roughened edges of it pricking into his skin, the surface still carrying warmth from the day.

  A shiver raced over him. Oh Christ, what was he doing? The excitement drained away as the dread of what lay ahead rushed in. He swallowed hard. ‘I might not be able to face it, Nat. I might not be able to do this.’

  She grasped his hand, turning to him, the softness of her breast brushing against his arm. ‘This is not Star Wars, Reid, and I am not Yoda. Sometimes the try is the point.’

  Warmth welled in his chest, not the wildfire of the passion that simmered under the surface all the time for her, but something else, something bigger and more fulfilling and everlasting. A grin crept back to his lips. ‘I can’t believe you just used Star Wars to make your point.’

  ‘Whatever works.’ She glanced back at the cliff. ‘It doesn’t matter if you do this tonight or not. I never meant you had to force yourself to climb. All I meant you to do was open up to yourself about your doubts, your fears, what happened to Luke, how you feel about that and ask what you want out of your life. I don’t want you to give up on your dreams for me or because you feel guilty or think you can’t. I want you to see your strength.’

  ‘This will help.’

  Her gaze searched his. ‘If that’s true, then I’m here for you. One hundred per cent. And if you fail tonight, that’s fine, but promise me you won’t shut yourself off again, that you will keep trying, that you will talk to me.’

  ‘I promise. This is just the first step.’ He cupped her face, thumbs brushing over her cheekbones. ‘I love you. I don’t want to lose you. Not again.’

  ‘You can’t do this just for me.’

  ‘I’m not. I’m doing it for me.’

  ‘Good.’ She leaned into his touch. ‘What do you want me to do?’

  He pointed out the ropes that hung down one of the easiest climbs and explained how she should belay him. He wasn’t stupid enough to try one of the harder routes and do a lead climb. With Nat here, there was no need for bravado, no need to push unnecessarily. He just needed to try.

  Ten minutes later, they were geared up. He tested the rope hanging down from the top, sensing the secure tethering by the feel of the rope. It was good.

  He took a deep breath and blew it out. ‘Right.’

  The light on his hat illuminated t
he dark grey of the faux rock face in front of him. Adrenaline pumped through him in a shocking rush, making his hands shake as he reached for the first hold. Fear was a crushing weight in his chest, making it difficult to draw breath. The moulded rocks in front of him, above him, swayed and pulsed, looking like they were waves on an ocean, ready to push him off, to make him tumble to the ground, a broken shell of who he had once been.

  Fuck.

  He leaned his head against the cooling surface, closing his eyes, breathing in the mineral and moss scent that surrounded him, that used to always bring such excitement and comfort at once. Now it just reminded him of blood and pain and terror and loss. A groan escaped from him. Christ, he was such an idiot to think he could suddenly do this just because he’d decided to get over himself. He was broken, damaged. There was no getting over what had happened, no getting over how he’d let Luke down. His breath was a thousand razors in his throat, his lungs. Even with his eyes closed, the world spun. He was going to pass out, faint in front of Nat.

  Hell, he wanted to be vulnerable in front of her, but was she ready to see him like this? How could she ever look at him in the same way? He couldn’t stand it if she continued to look at him with that sadness in her eyes. He didn’t want to let her down. He tried to push himself away from the wall, to reach up to grab the stone, but his muscles were trembling liquid and he could barely move them let alone reach up and pull.

  Nat’s hand landed on his shoulder, her breath against his neck. ‘Don’t think about climbing the entire thing, Reid. Just take one step.’

  He nodded. Yes, one step. It sounded much more doable. After two false starts, he managed to lift his leg and his arm and pulled up to the first hold. One step. Could he take another? He reached for the next one, found it, grabbed a hold. But before he could pull up, go further, his muscles locked and he couldn’t make himself move. An anguished moan escaped his lips.

  ‘Reid? Are you okay?’

  ‘I can’t. I can’t do it.’

  ***

  She could barely hear the words he repeated over and over, his lips were clamped together so tight, his nostrils flaring with the effort to pull breath in. He was trembling violently, sweat dripping off him even though the night was mild. In the light rebounding off the wall from the lamp in his hat, she could see he was deathly pale.

  She recognised a panic attack when she saw one, having witnessed Andrew’s and experiencing the debilitation of them herself. She touched his shoulders gently, knowing she couldn’t pull him, but needing to get through somehow. ‘Reid, it’s okay. You took the first step. You don’t have to do any more tonight.’ Her hands were on his shoulders, then stroking his hair from his sweat drenched brow. She managed to get him to let go of the hold, to step back down, supporting his weight with the belaying rope, then when he was down, she kissed his cheek, his chin, his neck, hands moving over him, trying to give him something else to hold onto other than the fear. ‘I’m here, Reid. I’m here.’

  Suddenly he turned into her, burying his face in her neck, pulling her up tight against him, the clips jangling, digging into her stomach, but she didn’t care. She held him equally tightly, stroking his back, his hair, her lips moving over him wherever she could reach, murmuring, ‘It’s okay, it’s okay, you’re safe, you’re safe,’ in between kisses. ‘I’m here. I’m here.’

  He pulled back and then his lips were on hers in a punishing kiss that spoke of desperate need and fear combined. She could taste the panic as his tongue found hers, as she opened to him, trying to give him everything he needed in this moment.

  ‘Sorry, sorry,’ he said as his lips broke from hers to gasp in breath and then his lips were on her again, his arms so tight around her, her breath was crushed from her lungs. But she didn’t care, didn’t care. Was just so glad she could be here for his need, that he was turning to her. She was his Band-Aid, his healer, as he was hers. She realised, finally really felt it deep inside, that there was strength in that. And belonging. They were equal.

  That was all she’d ever wanted.

  Finally, the kisses slowed, gentled, his hold on her softening until he sagged against her. She almost sagged but somehow managed to find the strength to hold him up. That he was able to lean on her in this way, physically and mentally, touched her in a way she’d never been touched before, made her strong. Andrew had never done this, only ever using her to make himself feel better but not in any kind of deep sense, never truly relying on her, needing her. She supposed you got what you gave, because she’d never truly given herself to Andrew either. This was as different from that as night was from day. Reid wasn’t Andrew. He never would be Andrew.

  Lightness filled her and despite Reid’s weight on her, she thought she might be able to fly.

  Reid’s lips were on her neck, his head buried against her again, his breath puffing against her skin, slower now, more controlled. His trembling lessened until he was able to pull away, to let go.

  ‘Sorry. I couldn’t do it.’

  ‘Don’t be sorry. Not with me. Never with me.’

  ‘I want to be strong, Nat, like you, I want to be a true partner, equal, but how can I when I can’t face this fear?’

  ‘You did face it. You took a step forward. And tomorrow or next week or six months from now, you’ll take the one after that. Being strong enough to take that step even though you know you might fail, that’s the point. And you did that tonight. Do you see that? Do you understand it?’

  He lifted his head and looked at her. ‘Yes.’

  ‘And you’re not embarrassed for falling apart like that in front of me, are you?’

  ‘Never. Never with you.’

  ‘And you know you don’t need to be perfect in front of me. God knows I’m not perfect. None of us are.’

  ‘Except Gran.’

  Her lips twitched—he was making a joke. He was back with her, making a joke. Everything was going to be okay. ‘Yes. Except Barb.’

  He stroked her hair from her face, hands still trembling a little but the panic was gone. ‘You know, I forgot that Luke and I failed at a lot of things over our years together. I was so intent on trying to remember all the good times, on defending Luke in my memory, I made him into some kind of infallible god. The fact was, Luke made stupid mistakes, he fucked up a bunch of contracts at the start of our career so we earned nothing from those opportunities. He could be impatient with people even though he was into all that holistic stuff. And nobody could get on my nerves like he could. Not to mention, he couldn’t punch for shit.’

  ‘He hit you?’

  ‘Yeah. We used to spar to work things out. It always made things better.’

  She shook her head. ‘Men.’

  He chuckled. ‘We’re dickheads sometimes.’ He looked up at the wall behind him. ‘I was a bit of a dickhead for trying this, wasn’t I?’

  ‘No, not a dickhead, just hopeful.’ She wrapped her arms around him. ‘I like you hopeful.’

  ‘You do?’

  ‘Yeah. When you’ve not got your head stuck in the sand and are looking up at the sky and all it has to offer, you’re as brilliant as the sun.’

  ‘So are you.’

  She laughed, the sound freer. ‘We’re quite the pair, aren’t we?’

  He nodded. ‘Maybe that’s why we’re meant to be together.’ She looked at him quizzically. ‘We help the other find the glue.’

  ‘I like that.’ She reached up on tiptoes and pressed her lips against his. ‘I like that a lot.’

  They kissed, gently, softly until finally, they both pulled away, breaths brushing over heated skin as they lent their foreheads together.

  ‘What do you want to do now?’

  Reid’s brow furrowed as he pulled away. ‘I’ve still got work to do.’

  ‘So do I.’

  He linked his fingers with hers. ‘I need to read the letter from Luke. I’ve been putting it off, unable to think about what his last words to me might have been about. But it’s time. I have to do it if
I’m ever going to face forward.’

  ‘That sounds like a good idea.’

  ‘Will you come with me?’

  ‘Of course I will. Now?’

  ‘Now.’

  ‘Okay.’ She went to walk away only to realise she was still hooked up to the ropes. Laughing she gestured at the gear. ‘Unhook me?’

  ‘Always.’

  Five minutes later after packing up the gear and stowing it in the ute, they were heading back to Barb’s house where he’d stored Luke’s things and the letter that he’d not been able to face until now.

  Excited jubilation pulsed inside Nat. She couldn’t believe how vulnerable Reid had made himself in front of her. He hadn’t managed the climb, but he would. She felt certain of it. And even if he never did, that was fine too. The fact he wanted to try to address his issues, to be a true partner and to be happy within himself, that meant everything. It didn’t even matter right now that in helping him towards the gift of strength, of belief in himself, she had helped him towards the very thing that would definitely take him from her. She was determined to be happy for him. To find comfort in the fact that she too had moved forward, and she wasn’t going to feel guilty for what she shared with him. This time, she would go to him, open and honest with no misunderstandings, no mistakes between them and for the rest of the time she had with him before he had to go be who he was meant to be, she would allow herself to fly.

  Chapter 23

  Reid took the turn onto the lane that looped around the main building, through the piece of bush that spilled out into the paddock where Barb’s house was nestled. As they came around the curve of the track, his lights illuminated Mac and Ben and Lisa kneeling down near the bottom of the steps of her house. Two of the dogs danced around the edge of the group, barking. ‘What the hell?’