NOT SO Beautiful: a bay falls high novel

by Kidman, Jaxson

  “Which is what, Hil?”

  “Who the fuck do you think showed up the other night when you were trying to leave?”

  * * *

  “Hil…”

  “What?”

  “That homeless looking guy… the one that was reaching for me?”

  Hil nodded. “That was my father, Belle. Now you know the secret.”

  I shook my head. “What? How…?”

  “That’s what he does. When he’s broke or owes someone some money. He’ll just show up and stumble around until someone sees him. Usually security does. He’ll wander around. They’ll track him down and make him sleep off whatever he’s on. Then the next morning there’s an envelope with cash in it. And a note as a reminder of what was agreed upon. Sometimes security will rough him up a little. Just a way of suggesting he make a call instead of just showing up.”

  “But you grabbed him… you said you hit him…”

  “Fucking right I did,” Hil said.

  “You hit your own father?”

  “He’s not a father to me, beauty,” Hil said. “Plus, he tried to put his hands on you. He scared you. You were there with Ash and I. Talking. Trying to put things together, right?”

  “And you didn’t tell me then? Why not?”

  “Didn’t feel like it,” Hil said. “Why does it matter?”

  “You made me think your father was dead.”

  “He is.”

  “Not the same kind of dead as Uly’s father.”

  “Speaking of… now that I’ve given you something you wanted, it’s my turn to collect. But really quick, beauty, I need to know which one of Them decided to slide that same old rusted knife into the same spot in my back.”

  I shook my head. “It’s not like that, Hil. This isn’t about that. This is about me staying here. I have everyone telling me to leave. Or at the very least to stay away from you and Them. And I can’t. I can’t get away. I can’t get enough.”

  “And that’s my problem how?”

  “I don’t know. I guess it’s not. But I’m here, Hil. And I want to know these things. To try and make sense…”

  “For the story in your head,” he said. “The one in your heart. Because you think there’s going to be some happy fucking ending, right? The one where Uly and I grab our guitars and play some music, right? Or the one where Ash and I get close like real brothers would. The one where Ash and Uly find a way to connect like they used to. The one where Them is everything.”

  “Fuck you, Hil,” I said. I got to my feet. “It was Uly. Just so you don’t go home and ruin the family dinner.”

  Hil’s lip curled.

  I walked away, hugging myself, trying to process everything he just told me.

  They couldn’t have just been rich, sexy, bad boys, right?

  They all had to have some kind of crazy story… and each story sucked me in. It wanted me to be closer to Them. But I wasn’t sure what that even meant.

  As the sun started to set, the colors that flashed across the sky were sigh worthy. They were burning colors, like the day was trying to burn itself off or some kind of poetic thing.

  bright colors crumble into the ash

  of the day

  the curtain slowly lowers

  what’s hidden

  for eyes

  can’t see

  but

  us

  Hands touched my waist.

  Hil.

  I lost whatever I was writing in my head.

  His body pressed against mine.

  I looked down and watched his fingers slide into the pockets of my jeans. He pulled at my legs to make sure I was tight against him.

  I was.

  He wanted me to feel…

  I did.

  “You can’t get enough, beauty,” Hil said. His voice was strong and protective. Or maybe my head and heart were working together in a really bad way. “You said that. And now I can’t get enough… thinking about you not getting enough…”

  “Hil,” I said.

  He took a step and I had to do the same. I had no choice but to walk as he walked. Or else I’d trip and fall on my face. I could have just spun around and broke away from him.

  But why do that?

  Hil walked me to his motorcycle.

  Darkness decided to creep in faster than it ever seemed to do before.

  Or maybe it was just me. Losing seconds to Hil.

  He took his hands from my pockets and placed them against my wrists. Slowly, he inched down, letting his hands engulf my hands. I had small, girly hands. He had large, tough guy hands.

  He curled his fingers around my hands and then moved them toward his motorcycle.

  Hil put my right hand to the seat. Hand open. My fingers spread wide across the leather seat. My other hand touched the almost cool metal or steel of the motorcycle. Just under where the key stuck out of.

  My hands started to shake when Hil put his hands to my waist again.

  “You just tell me when, beauty,” he whispered. “For the record, I have no limits…”

  “Except me being near Uly or Ash,” I said. My mouth was dry. Really dry.

  Hil laughed. “That’s true, Belle. And here we are. You’re breaking some of the rules I set for myself a long time ago. You’re the fire… the match, the gasoline, the spark… all in one…”

  “I did nothing,” I said. “Nothing. I just showed up. To escape.”

  “Still want to escape?” Hil asked.

  His right hand disappeared for a few seconds before touching my hair. He slowly pushed all of my hair to the left side of my head.

  I wanted to answer his question but when he brushed his lips to the back of my neck, that was it.

  I was done.

  If I had a white flag, I would have waved it right then.

  Hil put the tip of his nose to my neck and stayed just like that.

  Distracted by the tingling running up and down my back, I didn’t realize Hil had opened the button on the front of my shorts.

  The fingertips of his right hand teased the thin line of the top of my panties.

  Running left to right, catching my attention.

  I looked down and watched as he chose to stay over my panties when he moved his hand down.

  My knees started to bend as I exhaled.

  “Just say when, Belle,” he whispered again to me.

  I nodded.

  I wasn’t sure what when would mean for me. Or when it would show up.

  Ohmygod, my brain is a mess right now…

  Hil’s strong fingers made their curl along the curve of my body instantly sending sparks, stars, and pleasure throughout my body. It had a sudden crashing effect it had on me. The way he touched and just stopped. Like he knew he didn’t need to press or move his fingers to tease me into a sense of submission that made me want to never ever think about leaving BFH again.

  His lips touched the back of my neck again.

  I gasped and lifted my shoulders.

  “Relax, beauty,” he whispered. “Trust me…”

  Those two words were horrible words to hear from anyone. But from Hil, they were maybe the worst words to hear.

  I had no idea how the idea of trust could exist with Them…

  But…

  Hil kissed the back of my neck with a sloppy kiss so the sound echoed around me.

  As I let out a sigh, he curled his fingers tighter, pressing my panties against myself.

  The move made me jump. And then thrust.

  Those wild inner desires showing themselves again.

  Just like with Uly…

  “Fuck,” I whispered.

  I had no idea what was right or wrong anymore.

  I quickly moved my right hand from the leather seat of his motorcycle and grabbed his wrist.

  “When,” I said. “When, when, when, when…”

  Hil stopped moving his fingers.

  I gasped for a breath.

  “What’s wrong, beauty?” he whispered.


  “Uly,” I said. “I can’t. He and I…”

  I slowly turned my head and saw the look in his eyes.

  There wasn’t much daylight left, but what there was tore through his gray eyes as those eyes tore through me.

  “How far?” Hil asked.

  “This,” I whispered. “In his car. While he was driving.”

  “Do you want me to stop? Take you home? Keep this our secret for forever?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know… I want…”

  “It’s your decision, Belle,” Hil said. “The match. The gasoline. The fire.”

  I shut my eyes and kept my head turned and put my head back toward Hil.

  It was Them.

  They were the match, the gasoline, the fire.

  Not me.

  I wasn’t even sure what I was.

  “I take it back,” I whispered.

  “Take what back, beauty?” Hil asked.

  His smoky breath was addicting.

  “What I said.”

  “About?”

  “When,” I whispered. “I take when back…”

  I moved my hand from his wrist.

  I opened my eyes just in time to see him moving toward my mouth for a kiss.

  Our lips touched.

  His fingers pressed against my body.

  I groaned into his mouth.

  * * *

  My inner thighs were still trembling… which also could have been because I was on the back of Hil’s motorcycle again as he took me back home.

  My lips fluttered, repeating the same words that my mind kept saying…

  Ohmygod… ohmygod… ohmygod…

  This wasn’t me. Whatever version of Belle that appeared in BFH wasn’t the one that existed before. I took a sense of pride in being able to name my boyfriends. Those who I had kissed. Those who I had done more with. And the pride was in keeping that list short. I didn’t just throw myself around. Throw my body around.

  Not that that was what I was doing with Them.

  Nothing was being thrown around…

  Except my feelings.

  Feelings?

  Feelings…

  Nah.

  There were no feelings.

  This was about wanting something and actually getting it for once in my life.

  I shut my eyes as Hil sped along the same road that hugged the coast.

  Those same hands that had magically danced along my body were the same hands that guided the motorcycle along the dark road.

  I thought about Uly.

  Then Ash.

  I had no idea what it meant. If they would talk to each other. If they would end up fighting each other. If so, what would happen with East vs. West? Those guys from the Rulz had their own bad reputation too.

  I was distracting Them.

  They were distracting me.

  But it was fun.

  That’s what it was.

  Fun.

  That was the word.

  Forget feelings. This was fun.

  Because I had nothing left to lose.

  Everything I appeared to have had wasn’t real.

  Jo’s house wasn’t mine and I had no right to it. The same with Jo’s money… the car, the see-through blue credit card…

  My escape was always the same.

  One road out of BFH. And then never look back.

  My heart was still racing once we were back in town.

  Seeing familiar parts did nothing to ease whatever it was I was feeling.

  Hil slowed the motorcycle down to a stop at a red light.

  He put his feet to the ground and kept us balanced.

  One of his hands touched my hands. My fingers were interlocked tight around the front of his shirt. And with one lonely finger, he drew a line from one of my wrists to the other.

  It made me gasp.

  The light changed to green and he started to ride again.

  My hands pulled against his body, my head rested against his back.

  When Hil arrived at Jo’s house, he stopped at the metal gates to the driveway.

  I climbed off his motorcycle and punched in the code to open the gates.

  I heard the sound of the engine turning off.

  I turned and Hil stood next to his motorcycle, arms crossed. “Have a cigarette with me, beauty.”

  “Yeah, sure,” I said. “I could use one myself.”

  “I bet you can,” Hil said. “Are your knees still shaking, Belle?”

  I stopped walking toward him. I lifted both of my middle fingers. “Don’t get too high on yourself, Hil. If your head gets any bigger you won’t be able to ride your motorcycle.”

  “Oh, trust me, my head is getting bigger by the second near you,” he said. “And only you can help me with that…”

  I shook my head, knowing I stepped into that dumb joke on my own.

  Hil put his right hand back on his motorcycle and opened his legs a little. Just enough to get my attention to go down there.

  “My eyes aren’t down there, beauty,” he said.

  “But it’s where your personality is,” I said.

  “Is that a bad thing?”

  I opened my mouth but stopped myself.

  This flirty, dirty banter was going to always end the same. Hil getting worse. Me getting redder. Both of us getting turned on.

  My mind decided to blurt something out that rippled through my body.

  Just take him to your room, Belle. Why the fuck not? Look at him. If his hands can do what they did, imagine what his-

  I coughed on purpose to chase away the thought.

  I moved to the motorcycle to put the helmet down on the seat.

  Hil lit a cigarette.

  I lit one of my own.

  As Hil smoked with his right hand, I nodded to his forearm.

  “What’s the tattoo of?” I asked him.

  “Not sure,” he said. He held his arm out. “Saw it on a wall and I wanted it.”

  “Did Ash do it?”

  Hil grinned. “And give that asshole bragging rights for something of mine? Fuck that.”

  “Really?”

  “Really,” he said. “Uly and I played a show one night. Ended up walking the strip with our guitars. Just bullshitting about life. Saw a tattoo shop. Dropped in. This design was hanging up behind the counter. I pointed to it and said… fuck it. Do it. Now.”

  The design was cool. It was like a mix of patterns and shapes. Not tribal. Not some stupid looking design either. It looked like it had purpose. The edges were shaded so that the tattoo just kind of faded into his skin. Some of it looked like trees that were bent and twisted. Some of it looked like feathers and fire, even like pages being turned and torn.

  Just so much happening at once.

  Messy.

  But perfect.

  In a way… it was like Hil himself.

  Hil took his arm out of my view so he could smoke.

  “What about you, beauty?” he asked. “No ink?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “Don’t know. Never really wanted one.”

  “My name would look good. Want to know where?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Let me guess… my ass?”

  “Nope,” Hil said.

  I laughed. “There’s no other body parts I’m naming in front of you. You’d like that too much.”

  “I’ll show you where,” he said.

  Hil put his cigarette to his lips and reached for me.

  He moved fast and hard but his touch was soft and gentle.

  As he reached around to the back of my neck, he got close to me. The smell of smoke and leather hit my nose and would forever be his smell.

  He moved my hair like he did back at the beach.

  It was more than an instant turn on.

  It was… my body cheering - HE’S GOING TO DO IT AGAIN!

  Hil’s fingertip grazed the back of my neck. My body thrust forward and bounced against his.

  “Right there,” he whispered, hi
s cigarette still between his lips. He was able to talk like that and still sound hot. “That’s where you should get my name tattooed. That’s my spot, beauty. My spot to kiss. Deal?”

  Hil moved away.

  I hurried to take a drag of my cigarette.

  After we finished our cigarettes, Hil grabbed his helmet. “So, Belle, am I coming inside tonight?”

  The devilish grin on his face made me swallow hard.

  “Not a chance in hell,” I said.

  “But I like hell so much,” he said. “I’m sure with you it’s heaven.”

  “Not a chance in heaven,” I said.

  “Well, goodnight then,” he said. “Sleep tight. Don’t let the ass-crabs bite.”

  I shook my head and watched him put on his helmet, climb onto the motorcycle, start it, and leave.

  Typical Hil style to do what he did, say what he said, but he left me without a goodbye kiss.

  Probably knowing it was going to drive me crazy.

  I turned and realized I had a long walk back to Jo’s house still.

  I shut the gates behind me and made it all of ten steps before my phone vibrated with a text.

  From Uly.

  Hey doll.

  All I could picture was Hil standing behind me. Kissing the back of my neck. And his right hand…

  Just like Uly’s right hand.

  I bit my lip and felt warm.

  How was your night?

  Now I had to answer Uly.

  Fine. Urs?

  I walked and waited for him to text back.

  Lonely without you. Lake was bothering me about you. Fuck me for letting our cover get blown. She keeps talking about your writing.

  That was kind of cool.

  Still weird they lived together. Still weird that Miss Whitaker thought I was good at writing.

  I replied to Uly.

  I’m sure ur never lonely, Uly. That’s just bull shit to try and make me feel good about myself. Cool about the writing stuff I guess. Still not used to that.

  I looked around at the lights and the trees.

  The walk was kind of far but it was also very peaceful.

  It was strangely the perfect way to end another wild day in the world of BFH.

  My phone vibrated with another text.

  I looked down smiling.

  It wasn’t from Uly this time.

  It was Hil.

  Did you get home safe yet, beauty?

  I shook my head…

  My phone buzzed again.

  Now it was Uly.