Never Let Me Go

by Angelique Voisen

  Guilt rammed into him, but she’d just threatened to destroy the man he loved. The first photo peeked out from the envelope—the bedroom Neil and he shared and a hint of tangled limbs. Snatching the envelope, Rob furiously stuffed the photos back inside.

  “Go ahead and burn them. I have the originals.”

  Of course she did.

  “What do you want?” he asked, barely recognizing his hoarse voice.

  Beyond Clarissa’s shoulder, he glimpsed Cindy hugging her father. So happy, he envied them and everyone else who didn’t have to deal with their fucked-up families.

  “Break it off with him. Tell him you don’t ever want to see him again.”

  “You’re asking for the impossible.”

  “You said you love him, Robert, or is that a lie?”

  Jesus, she knew he hated it when she called him Robert. She really seemed intent on bringing out the big guns today. I invited her. Left that fucking piece of paper on the fruit bowl, thinking she would have been proud her son finished college.

  “It’s not. I love him more than life,” Rob whispered.

  She’d trapped him and they both knew it. Anger flashed through her eyes, but he didn’t give a fuck. It would be so easy for him to reach out, wrap his hands around her neck and strangle her, but it wouldn’t be that simple. She’d been a decent mother before the accident. It had cost him so much to end the life of a man he hated, how much more would he have to pay if he killed a woman who’d once shielded Neil and him from his step-father’s fists?

  In the end, Don had done this to her. She understood he’d do anything for Neil because she’d somehow loved Don, even though she knew she’d gone to bed with a monster night after night.

  What Rob needed was Neil beside him, telling him what to do. Neil was in the parking lot though, waiting in his car. His cell phone vibrated in his jeans pocket. Neil probably, wondering what was taking him so long.

  “I’ll do anything. Just promise me you’ll leave him the fuck alone.”

  “Better yet, I’ll pretend that bastard never existed. Break it off with him tonight, Rob. Make it count. Then you’re coming home with me. We’ll eat breakfast together and talk about you finding a nice single woman to be your wife.”

  She waved to her surroundings, but her eyes seemed far away, perhaps seeing the future she’d decided for him. Like hell. Rob might be leashed, but he’d find a way to fight this, to defy her. He hardly heard the rest of what she said, barely noticed her walking away and a hand clasping his shoulder, turning him.

  “Rob, what’s wrong? Did something happen?” Neil asked, concern etched on his face.

  Rob clutched at the envelope damning Neil and him in his hand. Make it count, she’d said, and he did, even though lying through his teeth and putting on a convincing act felt like flaying his own heart and soul.

  Chapter One

  Present day

  Neil drew lazy circles on his notebook while his boss kept on bitching about the team not being able to meet the sales target for the second consecutive month that year. A glance at the clock told him Gordon had been droning on for nearly an hour. An hour of his life wasted, when he could be elsewhere with someone who gave a damn. Too bad the only man he loved and wanted to be with never wanted to see his face.

  At thirty-four, ten years after graduating from college and his awful parting with Rob, Neil still had not gotten over the incident. Taking a boyfriend, moving forward to better his life, never crossed his mind. He might have attained one part of his dream, becoming the marketing manager for a multi-national company, but what use was success if he couldn’t share it with anyone else?

  His phone vibrated in his pocket. With nothing better to do, Neil fished it out. Seeing who the message was from, he nearly dropped the phone but managed to catch it at the last second. Four words flashed across the screen, enough to make him forget about the agonizing years of silence away from Rob.

  Rob: I need you, brother.

  Another message appeared on the heels of the first. A fucking miracle considering Neil hadn’t heard anything from him for half a decade.

  Rob: Mom’s dead.

  This news didn’t bother him as much as those four little words had. The fucker knew how deeply they would affect Neil. All Rob had to do was open his mouth, utter that sentence, and Neil would come running.

  We aren’t children anymore, Rob.

  It served Rob right if Neil didn’t come, much less typed a response. A tooth for a tooth, an eye for an eye and Rob had done all the hurting, but his one weakness had always been his step-brother.

  Hands suddenly clammy, Rob wasn’t aware of the phone slipping from his fingers and clattering onto the hardwood floors until his colleagues gave him strange looks.

  “Mr. Lovell, do you have anything meaningful to add to this meeting?”

  Neil rose from his seat, calmly picked up his phone, and looked at his boss in the eye. “I just learned my mother has died. Sorry, I need some air.”

  This would be a classic Rob move, lying through his teeth like this, but Neil had also learned some tricks along the way.

  “Of course,” Gordon murmured, guilt filling his features. “Take all the time you need.”

  Exiting the meeting room, Neil didn’t meet anyone’s eyes. If he hurried out of the office now, he could avoid rush hour. In four hours, he would arrive back at the starting point, at his hometown of Lily Valley.

  Loosening his tie, Neil let his body do the necessary motions—submitting his emergency leave to the HR department and heading right to his car. Not bothering to dress or pack, he started the engine and programmed the GPS to his hometown.

  It was crazy of him to do this and to not consider his other options, but when it came to Rob, logic flew out the window. Nothing made sense. Instinct drove him, defined him when it came to this man.

  “Fuck, I barely know you anymore,” Neil whispered.

  Rob might have cut him off, but Neil refused to let go. Erasing any trace of Rob meant ripping out bits and pieces of his soul and he couldn’t have that. Dare he admit it? He had stalked Rob with ruthless tenacity. Created pseudonyms online to follow all of Rob’s social media accounts and he even hired a private investigator to check that Rob wasn’t in trouble.

  Through reports and pictures his step-brother posted online, Neil still felt like he knew him, at least on the surface-level. No, that wasn’t true. Underneath his adult self, Rob’s childhood self had lingered and Neil knew that side best. They’d created a thousand memories together and survived numerous battles with matching wounds to prove it.

  “You’ve done it, Rob. You’ve asked for my help, but this time, you can’t send me away. I’m here to stay, whether you like it or not.”

  Clarissa’s death had hit Rob hard and Neil knew it. Although the witch treated Rob differently, coldly and unfairly after the accident, Rob had stuck by her through thick and thin. Neil’s mistake had been asking Rob to choose because his step-brother picked her in the end.

  The feeling of betrayal and hurt never really went away. Neil swore to himself he’d never forgive Rob, even when the man came crawling back to him. Look what had just happened. Four words had been enough to undo him.

  Neil didn’t bother replying to Rob’s text. Rob knew him all too well. The bastard knew he’d drop everything to be with the one man whose eyes reflected a soul so similar to his.

  ****

  Long after the mourners and well-wishers gave their false words of consolation, Rob stayed. He stared at the newly erected gravestone of his mother, decorated with lilies—her favorite and the one flower Rob was allergic to. Nose stinging, he kept his distance, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his coat.

  His legs began to stiffen and he tasted the first droplets of rain on his lips, but he didn’t move a muscle. No one could deny he’d played his role of faithful son to the hilt. To distract himself from the jarring truth of her death, he’d made a check list in his head.

  Rob made all
the necessary arrangements. He’d picked the coffin she specified, dug out the address of the retired Catholic priest she wanted to preside over her funeral, and invited everyone on her guest list.

  What kind of woman organized her own funeral?

  Once he’d completed the tasks, Rob felt numb again, all hollowed out. He really thought Neil would come. Oh, he knew Neil and his mother had never gotten along. Rob knew he’d done the only man who’d ever understood him a disservice by cutting all ties between them for so long. It was selfish of him to reach out to Neil, who’d probably moved on and had his own life now, but Rob couldn’t help himself.

  Besides, if Neil did arrive, everything would feel a lot better. If Neil pulled him into his massive and warm arms, it would render the world mute and insignificant. Rob owed him an apology. He could finally tell Neil the reason why he’d pushed him away and how it felt like tearing his own limbs off when he’d made that painful decision.

  “You’re going to catch a fucking cold like that.”

  Relief filled Rob at the familiar sound of Neil’s voice. It sounded deeper, harsher now, but it was Neil. Neil stood beside him, shoulder-to-shoulder, looking so fucking gorgeous under the downpour while he felt and looked like shit. Why Rob cared about his physical appearance, he never knew.

  “You look just like I remembered,” Rob said, unsure how to start, to reconnect, if Neil even wanted that.

  That was a lie, too. He’d always been a compulsive liar to save his skin and Neil’s, but no amount of lies had ever stood up to Don’s rage. Neil had always had kind eyes, but the Neil he was looking at right now had possessed, hard ones, lacking mercy and forgiveness. They told Rob he only had one chance to explain, to not screw the fuck up, or risk losing Neil forever.

  He cleared his throat.

  Fuck, why was it so hard to speak?

  “Mom threatened to call up the local police, to dig up dad’s corpse under the old apple tree out back if I didn’t break it off with you.”

  Neil let out a breath. “You expect me to believe that?”

  Rob said nothing for a couple of moments. Neil demanded the truth, so he gave it up, childish as it sounded. For Christ’s sake, they were both adults, but Rob couldn’t leave his mother. She’d committed two failed suicide attempts before she found God again.

  He’d tried his best, thinking he could save her, only realizing years later she was beyond salvation. His mother had given her heart to a monster, and never got it back. She had no space left in her heart to love her only son, an abomination who desired his own step-brother. Neil and he might not be related by blood, but that didn’t matter to her.

  To his shock, Neil let out a laugh, the sound jarring and unpleasant.

  “I figured it was something like that. It happened ten fucking years ago, but we’ve never really been free of them.”

  “We’re free now.”

  Rob turned to Neil, brushing his hand against his shoulder.

  Neil flinched, as if Rob’s touch burned him. Fuck, but Rob hated how he still had that effect on Neil. Distance and time only worsened the longing inside him, sharpening it to a fine blade capable of striking where it would hurt the most. Thorns prickled Rob’s heart. Drenched in rain water, Rob noticed Neil had come dressed in a suit.

  Had he driven straight here after receiving his text, without even bothering to change?

  Jesus Christ. What was Rob doing, calling Neil all the way out here?

  All Neil had ever wanted to do was leave home the moment he was able. Rob could still recall the day Neil had asked him to go with him and try finding jobs in the city. Leave Lily Valley and the past behind—it was sheer temptation, an indulgence, but Rob couldn’t leave his mother. He couldn’t beg Neil to stay with him either.

  That would be pure selfishness on his part, but hadn’t he done the same thing by calling Neil back home? Back to Lily Valley, which Rob knew had never felt like home to Neil.

  “I’m sorry. I know my apology means jack-shit, but I mean it all the same. This is hard for me, too.”

  With reluctance, he pulled his hand away. He let out a gasp when Neil closed his hand over his wrist. Narrowing his eyes, Neil watched him. Pulse racing, leaping at Neil’s touch, Rob tried to tug his hand away, but Neil refused to let him go.

  “No you don’t. You’ve always been an inconsiderate bastard so don’t fucking tell me how it’s hard for you.”

  Neil wrenched his grip away. Rob’s heart thudded. Once Neil turned his back on him, Rob knew he’d lose his step-brother, the only man who understood him, his soul mate. A better man would let Neil go and not say a word or do anything but wish Neil luck in the life he deserved.

  Rob didn’t want to be the better man. Finally free of his mother’s judgment and influence, he wanted to grasp what Neil and he never had. God knew Rob dreamt of it often, how it would be, once it was only the two of them. Impulse made him grab Neil’s shoulder.

  “Wait. Please.”

  Pleading did the trick. Neil whirled, leveling hard eyes at him.

  “Why should I?”

  Neil didn’t know it yet, but Rob had him. Always did.

  “Don’t leave.”

  “You said you needed me. I came. End of story.”

  “No.” Rob bit his bottom lip.

  “No? What are you, Rob, a kid?” Neil sneered.

  “You’re hurt, that’s understandable.”

  “I’m hurt? Fuck you, Rob. Not a word from you for ten years and now you’re asking me not to leave?”

  “Demanding you not to leave,” Rob corrected.

  Neil snarled softly under his breath. Rob took that opportunity to catch the end of Neil’s tie and tug him close for a kiss. Despite the rain, Rob forgot all about the cold once Neil’s body touched his.

  Neil’s resistance didn’t last long. He clasped the back of Rob’s neck, locking their lips together in a fervent and passionate kiss. Rob rubbed his body against Neil’s, enjoying Neil’s hands roaming possessively all over him.

  Stupid clothes got in the way. They had to go.

  Taking over, Neil sucked and bit, thrusting heat into Rob’s mouth. It took Rob all the way back to the first time they’d kissed. In the cover of night, Rob had stolen down to Neil’s bunk, snuggled in close, and told Neil to ward off the dark.

  “How?” he remembered Neil asking.

  “Kiss me. Make me forget,” he’d replied.

  God. Rob had always loved defiance, relished breaking all the rules, but only Neil understood his true self, that all his snark had been a front, an armor he used so he could face the rest of the world. He opened his mouth wider, letting Neil thrust his tongue down his throat. Rob felt his cock painfully straining against the zipper of his trousers. He didn’t need to look down to know Neil sported a hard-on.

  Abruptly, Neil tore his mouth away. They both started to pant. One kiss and a single glance had been enough to tell his step-brother how much Rob missed him, needed him.

  “We can’t do this here. Not near their graves,” Neil muttered.

  “Don’t leave,” Rob said, letting Neil hear the desperation in his voice.

  Neil held out his hand. Rob looked at him distrustfully. “Come on. You’ll catch a cold at this rate.”

  Relieved, Rob laced their fingers together, like they’d done in secret when they were younger.

  Lifting their linked hands, Rob planted a kiss on Neil’s knuckles. “I’ll make it up to you for all the years we’ve spent apart. I promise.”

  A hungry look crossed Neil’s expression, full of lust and raw want. “I’ll hold you to that, baby.”

  Rob grinned. “Finally calling each other pet names now?”

  “It’s long overdue.” They walked back to the cemetery car park, encountering no one along the way.

  Neil broke away to fish the key out of his pocket. Spotting his ride, Rob whistled.

  “Sweet. When did you get a black Phantom Rolls-Royce? How does she run?”

  “Good enough, bu
t she’s an impulse buy. I’ll probably trade it in for a cheaper car.”

  Rob glanced thoughtfully at the convertible. Seeing Neil’s frown, he asked, “What?”

  “I know that look. That means you’re up to something.”

  “Do you now?” Rob ran a hand up Neil’s arm. “Tell me, Neil. Have you ever had sex in the back of a Phantom?”

  To his shock, Neil returned his grin, cluing Rob in to the fact that Neil must have changed over the years. Nonetheless, bits and pieces of Neil, the parts Rob loved, remained the same.

  “Can’t say I have. Get that sweet ass inside.”

  Neil unlocked the back. Scooting in, Rob winced at the thought of getting the leather seats wet. Well, considering what they were about to do, it didn’t matter. Joining him, Rob shut the car door behind him and locked the doors.

  Chapter Two

  Nervous, Rob rubbed his hands over his knees. He’d never had a problem with sexual intimacy. To sate his desires, he’d settled for one-night-stands and hook-ups in gay bars, but all that time, it was Neil’s face he’d imagined.

  Part of Rob knew he shouldn’t bother finding a replacement, because he’d known in his heart and soul Neil was the one. Others spent all their lives searching for that one individual to complete them. Neil had been standing in front of him all his life, except their relationship always came with complications. In the beginning, the lure of the forbidden had driven their actions. Now though, they were older, adults who knew exactly what they wanted. Each other.

  Screw the rest of the world.

  “I—” Rob hesitated. What else could he say?

  He gasped when Neil mimicked his earlier gesture, tugging at his tie to bring him close.

  “Tongue-tied, Rob? That’s rare for you.”

  Neil’s gaze demanded a response, so Rob gave him the painful truth. “I don’t want to hurt you again.”

  Narrowing his eyes, Neil undid his tie with deft and careful fingers, the gesture strangely erotic. “You won’t. I make my own choices, Rob.”