by Chris Zett
“Nah, she won’t. She’ll forever stay a cuddly and sweet baby.”
“Really? You’d want that?”
Jess nibbled on a slice of cucumber. “Actually, I can’t wait for her to talk, to express her thoughts, to show me she’s a person with her own will.” She chuckled. “Even though I’m afraid our tempers will clash more than once if she takes after me. At least that’s what my mom told me. She said my first word was no.”
Up. Tammy’s first word had been up, and she’d said it to Lena. She had wanted to be up in Lena’s arms, not their mother’s; her heart had nearly burst at the trust and love in Tammy’s eyes. Her mother hadn’t liked that show of free will at all and had given them both the cold shoulder for a day. “I think you’ll be a wonderful mom.”
“I don’t know.” Jess swirled the wine in her glass without drinking. “Sometimes I doubt if I made the right decision or if I was egotistical. I’m a single mother with little time to give.”
“That might be true, but you’re not the first woman to ever face this problem. And you have a great mom to help. But you give something else that’s important, not just time and love, but you respect her as a person, even now.”
“Thank you for saying so, but I’m not so sure it’ll be enough.” Jess sipped her wine slowly as if she relished every little drop. “My heart failure scared me. Not only because of what it could mean for me, but for Ella too. When you’re young and healthy, you think you’re immortal.” She snorted. “I should’ve known better. I’ve treated patients much younger than me. But somehow…”
“Somehow you never thought it applied to you?” Lena leaned forward and put one hand on Jess’s thigh. The muscles were hard as if she was ready to jump up at any second.
“Exactly. Stupid.”
“Or human? If you worried about every little thing, you wouldn’t be a good mother either or a good role model.” The tension under Lena’s fingers eased, and she reluctantly pulled her hand away.
“Good point.” Jess stretched out her legs and shifted so her right side rested against the back of the couch. “Enough about my sad, sad life. Do you want kids?”
Why did everything today poke into the same wound? Lena shuddered and placed her wine glass on the table before she spilled it on the couch. “Yeah. Someday.” She sighed.
“Why not now?”
“Apart from being single, broke, and working too many jobs?” Lena pulled one leg up and hugged it to her chest.
“Apart from that. Say you won the lottery or a millionaire rode in on a white stallion and swept you off your feet or something. Would you want kids now?”
Lena considered the question. It had been years since she’d allowed herself those kinds of dreams. Ella’s smile, her tiny fists when they clutched Lena’s little finger, her sister’s tears when her father had taken her away—they all flicked through her mind like a trailer for a sappy movie. “I’d love to have two or three kids. I always wanted to grow up with a sister and brother and would want the same for my kids. A wife, two or three kids, a cat. Not necessarily a white picket fence.” She laughed to lighten the mood, but it sounded false to her own ears.
“It seems we’re not so different. I always wanted a sister too. And a cat someday.” Jess reached out and lightly stroked down Lena’s shin. “You’re cold. Goosebumps everywhere.” She pulled a quilt from the back of the couch and covered Lena’s legs with it.
“Thank you.” Lena snuggled into the old blanket. “Do you mind being alone?”
“Alone?”
“Without a partner. Would you rather share this evening with a girlfriend? A romantic weekend at a friend’s beach house?”
Jess’s brows wrinkled as she chewed a slice of apple. Finally, a smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. “No, not at all. I probably wouldn’t be here with a girlfriend. Whenever I dated, I wasn’t into too much proximity. Even staying over on the weekends was usually too intimate for me. Maybe I’m too independent. Or maybe I’ve never been in love before.”
“Never?” Lena didn’t know if she should envy Jess or feel sorry for her. She used to fall head over heels all the time when she was younger. That was one of the reasons she’d stepped back from dating.
“I thought I was, but I guess it was mostly lust. And that’s been ages ago. Since I held Ella in my arms for the first time, I have a completely different definition of love. She’s part of me, lives in my heart as no one ever did before.”
Tears burned in Lena’s eyes, and she quickly blinked them away. Jess’s words stirred something deep inside and tugged at corners of her own heart. That was exactly what she wanted in her life, someone to live inside her heart and in turn to be part of theirs. She wasn’t sure her mother had ever thought of her like that, and her grandma had taken her feelings with her to the grave. She’d have to find her own family one day.
“Hey, why are you crying? Did I say something? I’m sorry.” Jess brushed her thumb over Lena’s cheek. Heat bloomed under Jess’s fingertips and seared the cold in her heart away.
She couldn’t find the right words, so she shook her head and leaned forward into the touch.
Jess moved closer and cupped Lena’s face with both hands, and it was the most natural feeling in the world to sink into them.
Lena got lost in the sea of blue as Jess’s eyes searched hers. For what, she wasn’t sure.
Their breaths mingled, and the heady scent of the Pinot Noir dazed Lena. She licked her dry lips.
Jess moaned, and her eyes darkened like the sky before a storm.
Lena couldn’t say who moved first, but suddenly they were kissing.
The brush of Jess’s lips was tentative, almost shy. Asking, not taking. Offering, not imposing.
The sweetness in the gesture was Lena’s undoing, and she responded with the most enthusiastic oh, yes she could convey without words. As she deepened the kiss, she bumped her nose against Jess’s and quickly angled her face until they fit. Perfect.
The tip of her tongue darted out to explore the inside of Jess’s upper lip. So soft.
Moaning, Jess opened her mouth and let Lena in. She tasted of tart wine, sweet apple, and something all her own.
Pleasure shot through Lena with every stroke of Jess’s tongue against hers, weakening her spine. She raised her hands to hold onto Jess. To get closer to her. To get drunk on this dazzling heat and forget everything else. She clutched the thick sweater on both sides, and the hint of the firm body underneath was all the support she needed.
Jess’s hands slid upward until they tangled in her hair. Sparks shot from the fingertips on Lena’s scalp through the length of her body. They ignited a fire deep inside her that hadn’t burned in such a long, long time.
Without warning, Jess stiffened and drew back. She cocked her head to one side and frowned. Her rosy lips were swollen, and her pupils were wide.
“Sorry.” And with that, she jumped up and left the room.
What just happened? Panting, Lena tried to organize her jumbled thoughts and emotions. One second they were kissing like…like what? Lovers? Teenagers in heat? Nothing she’d ever done compared to this. And the next second, Jess had run away. From her? From herself?
A faint cry filtered through the pulse pounding in her ears. Ella. So maybe Jess hadn’t run from someone but to someone.
But what would they do when she came back? Talk about it? Ignore it? Continue as if nothing had interrupted them? At the thought of another kiss, anticipation swirled in her middle like a ball of liquid heat.
She took a large sip of water to cool off, then reached for the vegetable sticks and the bowl of hummus. She’d need to keep up her strength for the emotional roller coaster this weekend.
When she’d finished off her food and the lone glass of wine, Jess still hadn’t come back, even though Ella had been quiet for some time. Lena gathered the dishes and cleane
d them to give her time to show up.
Had it been thirty minutes? Forty? Lena locked the front and back entrance and switched off the lights.
In front of Jess’s door, she paused. Nothing. Not even the sound of breathing.
With a sigh, she went to her own room. Sleep would take a long time to come, but experience had taught her it would find her eventually. It wasn’t the first time she’d gone to bed with disappointment as her only companion, and it wouldn’t be the last.
Chapter Sixteen
Jess tiptoed to the kitchen so as not to wake Lena. The predawn light was enough to see both the living room and the kitchen were empty. Lena had cleared away last night’s dishes. Jess swallowed against the sudden dryness of her throat. How would she explain why she hadn’t returned?
But first things first. Even though she wasn’t allowing herself caffeine yet, she still liked to start the day with a hot drink. When she reached for the water kettle, it was warm. Her stomach dropped. Lena was already up and about.
She opened a few cupboards until she found mugs and a dozen colorful teas, then picked a yellow package that looked as optimistic as she’d like to feel. The scent of something fresh and sharp rose as she poured water in the cup. Ginger, nice. Maybe it would help settle her queasy stomach.
Yeah, right. Who are you kidding? Only a talk would do that. And an apology. Again. She squared her shoulders and opened the door to the porch in search of Lena.
And there she was, standing on the patch of grass in front of the porch, facing east where the sun peeked through the pines and cast long shadows. Her features were relaxed, and a serene smile played around her lips. Lips that had kissed Jess until she’d lost all sense of time and direction.
Jess took in a sharp breath. Stupid idea. She wasn’t ready to talk.
But before she could run away again, Lena opened her eyes and focused on her. She held one finger to her lips and beckoned Jess closer with the other hand.
The unease settled like leaves after the wind calmed down. Jess pulled the baby monitor from the waistband of her sweatpants and placed it and her steaming mug on the wooden railing, next to a small collection of shells and driftwood. The grass was cold but soft under her bare feet as she took her usual place at Lena’s side and greeted the sun.
An hour later, the sun had climbed above the trees and warmed Jess sufficiently that she looked forward to her now cold drink.
When they stepped onto the porch, Jess couldn’t avoid it any longer. But between their morning routine and Lena’s calm presence, her embarrassment had faded enough that she found it easier to talk. “About yesterday evening…I’m sorry.”
“Okay.” Lena went into the kitchen before Jess had a chance to read her expression.
That was all she had to say? Wasn’t she mad or disappointed or maybe even glad they’d stopped when they had? Jess picked up her stuff and followed. “Okay? Are we good?”
For a second, something other than her usual calm flashed in Lena’s eyes, then her shoulders drooped and she looked down. “It was just a kiss. No big deal. I’m sorry too for crying and being needy.”
Wait, what? “Do you think that was a pity kiss?”
“Wasn’t it?” Lena’s voice was so low she was difficult to understand.
“Hell, no. I’m sorry I ran, not sorry I kissed you.”
Her eyelids fluttered minimally as Lena studied Jess for a long moment. Then she nodded. “Apology accepted. But why did you run?”
Now it was Jess’s turn to look down. “That wasn’t planned. My attraction just flared, and I acted without thinking. And it kind of overwhelmed me.” She pressed a hand to her middle as her stomach somersaulted. Usually, Jess would take back control with a sarcastic remark and a change of topic. But she didn’t want to treat Lena that way. “I…um…I’m not ready for a relationship and sex—not that I want to be presumptuous—but I’m not ready for sex right now. And yesterday I didn’t trust myself not to act on my emotions. That’s why I stayed away.”
“Thank you for explaining. And maybe it’s for the best.” Lena shrugged halfheartedly. “As much fun as sex would have been, I don’t think it would have been the wisest choice either.”
Fun. That word jumpstarted her imagination in a totally inappropriate way. Jess bit her lower lip to counter the tactile memory of Lena’s kiss.
She should be happy they were on the same page. Jess didn’t need another complication in her life right now, and Lena wasn’t playing games with her but offered her the option to move on.
A sudden urge to tackle the day filled Jess with energy. “Why don’t I make us a quick breakfast. Afterward, we can head down to the ocean before we pick your blackberries.”
“That would be perfect.” Lena smiled.
A soft sound came from the baby monitor as if Ella wanted to remind them she was here too.
“Someone else wants her breakfast. I’ll go and get Ella.” Lena pointed at the monitor. “If you want, I can feed her while you cook.”
“Um…I don’t know. Have you done something like that before?” Not that she thought feeding a baby was difficult; she was just unsure if she wanted someone else to take over for her. This was her time with Ella, the intimate moments where she watched her daughter enjoy her meal. Something she didn’t even like to share with her mom when she was around to do it herself. But as she thought about it, the idea of sharing with Lena didn’t raise any feelings of resistance. Maybe because of the longing she’d shown yesterday as she’d talked about her baby sister, or maybe because of the genuine care she expressed for Ella.
Whatever it was, Jess didn’t mind. Huh.
“Countless times with Tammy.” Lena’s sadness from yesterday resurfaced with this one name.
Jess wanted to kick herself for bringing it up again. “Great. Fine. Sure, you can give her the bottle. I’ll get it for you.” She hastened inside.
Lena went straight to Ella’s room, and Jess could hear her talking through the baby monitor. She said nothing important, but it made Jess all warm and tingly just the same.
She shut off the monitor to concentrate on the task at hand, heating the bottle of readymade formula in the electric heater she’d brought.
Before she could check the temperature, Lena came in with Ella, removed the bottle, and sprinkled a few drops on the inside of her arm.
“Perfect. You mind if we go outside?” Lena balanced the wriggling Ella, the warm bottle, and a cushion without seeming fazed in the least.
“Go ahead.” What else was there to say?
It took all her willpower not to sneak peeks outside.
She’d better start their own breakfast before Lena noticed. They hadn’t brought much. Scrambled eggs and the rest of the delicious cheese from the farmers market would have to be enough, together with the bread Lena had gotten for sandwiches. It looked suspiciously healthy, with whole grains or something, but it wouldn’t kill her for one day.
Lena’s indistinguishable mumblings accompanied Ella’s happy sucking noises through the open door to the porch.
Jess couldn’t stop smiling as she scrambled and cooked the eggs. Family. This morning was exactly like she had always imagined a family of her own should feel.
Jess, get a grip. One kiss and you’re playing happy family in your head. Amazing kiss, but still…With a shake of her head, Jess switched off the stove and plated the eggs.
During breakfast, Jess kept her gaze on the food and the conversation to the weather. If Lena stared at her strangely, so what? She couldn’t take any deep conversation with her thoughts and feelings all mixed up as if a tornado had picked everything up and shaken it before tossing it out again.
After they’d eaten, Jess clad Ella in a floppy hat and smothered sunscreen all over her.
Lena held up the wrap. “Do you want to carry her to the beach?”
As much as
she wanted to, Jess wasn’t sure she actually could. Sure, her heart had improved, but she’d never taken such a long walk carrying Ella instead of pushing the stroller. “Nah, you take her.”
Ella seemed to enjoy the wrapping procedure as much as Jess liked watching Lena handle the cloth with strong hands and nimble fingers.
The path through the pines seemed shorter than last night. When they reached the bench, they followed another path on their left at the top of the cliffs until they reached a wooden staircase that seemed sturdy enough.
Lena didn’t hesitate and descended toward the water with one hand on the railing and the other wrapped protectively around Ella.
Jess followed slowly. She didn’t want to think about the way back up, which she was afraid would hurt. It had been the right decision not to carry Ella; she wasn’t up to her old standards. Even while pregnant, she’d always taken the stairs to the cardiology unit on the fourth floor. At least until the last month.
At the foot of the stairs, Lena waited for her, gaze fixed on the water. “Isn’t it beautiful?” Her voice was hushed as if they stood in a museum in front of a masterpiece.
The sight of her slightly opened lips and wide eyes was irresistible, and Jess didn’t even try to look away. Lena was gorgeous, maybe even more so than yesterday. If only her gaze would turn to Jess with the same adoration.
“Beautiful, yes.” Jess didn’t know why she whispered too.
Lena removed her sandals. “Ooh, the sand is warm.” She took a few steps toward the water. When she reached the curvy border between the dry and wet parts of the beach, she hesitated.
“It’ll be cold.” Jess grimaced. With all the stones, shells, and driftwood littering the beach, she wasn’t getting out of her shoes.
“I don’t care.” Lena took another step and shivered as her foot touched the wet sand. A wave lapped at the shore and lazily flowed over her feet. “Ouch. You’re right, that really is cold.” Laughing, she waded into the waves until her ankles were submerged. “Hey, Ella, look at that. The ocean.” She bent forward so Ella’s gaze was angled to the water.