by Chris Zett
“And you helped take care of Tammy?”
Lena snorted. “You could say so. About a month before Tammy was born, my mother asked me to move in with her. At first, I only took care of Tammy in the evenings when my mother was sleeping, but later I skipped school a lot to be there for her. Some days it felt as if I was raising her on my own. My mother…she didn’t really cope very well with noise and demands. She got migraines and…” Lena kicked at a stone on the sidewalk. “I don’t need to sugarcoat it anymore.” Her voice hardened like ice. “My mother wasn’t fit to raise a child. She let Tammy cry in her room for hours, closed the door, and turned up the TV. She drank a lot and took pills. I think painkillers, but I’m not sure. Tammy’s dad was in the military and was away for most of the first year. When he came back and realized what was going on, he tried to help her, get her in rehab, but in the end, he gave up. He divorced my mother and took Tammy away. He severed all contact. I tried to reach out later, but he wouldn’t budge. I haven’t heard from Tammy in nearly ten years.”
“That’s terrible. I’m so sorry.” Jess stopped walking and reached for Lena’s arm, but she shook it off.
“Nothing to be sorry about. What’s done is done.” Lena smiled, but it was as if she’d slipped on a mask. “He was a nice enough guy. I’m sure Tammy is better off with him.”
“Didn’t he want to take you with them?” Jess wasn’t sure she understood the family dynamic.
“He wasn’t my father. He…we didn’t really have a relationship.” Lena’s voice held no bitterness or frustration. “I met him for the first time when my mother was eight months pregnant and I moved in with them, just before he was deployed. They’d been married for a couple of years without him even knowing about my existence. I’m not blaming him.”
Jess admired her for that. “I don’t know if I would be as forgiving. I’m sorry I brought up these memories for you.”
“No, it’s okay. They’ve been close to the surface lately because of Ella.” Lena’s mask slipped as she glanced at the sleeping baby. A genuine smile tugged at the corner of her mouth, and she let out a heavy sigh. “It’s good to say it out loud. I haven’t talked to anyone about it before.”
Tentatively, Jess reached for Lena’s arm again. This time, Lena didn’t flinch or draw back. “You can talk to me anytime.” Jess drew circles with her thumb on Lena’s skin, not knowing if she wanted to soothe Lena or herself. “What about your mother? Did you stay with her?”
Lena looked down, and her curls fell in her face, obscuring her eyes. “I’ll get sick if I remember what I did for her and how it all turned out.”
“You don’t need to talk about her. Never. But if you want to, I’m here to listen. And nothing you could say will diminish my opinion of you.” Jess meant every word. All she knew about Lena’s mother was that she was currently in prison, but it was Lena’s story to tell and had absolutely no impact on Jess’s feelings or the relationship between them.
“Another day, okay? But thank you.” Lena slid her arm beneath Jess’s fingers until their palms met, then let go before Jess had a chance to enjoy it.
The next day, Jess was clever enough to bring a change of clothes to work, so she arrived at her Mom’s place in jeans and a sweatshirt, a far better outfit for an evening walk than her pantsuit. She had returned to her condo late the night before, but every minute had been worth it. She’d fallen asleep with memories of Lena’s trust and the touch of her hand.
Lena waited for her on the patio, gently moving the stroller back and forth with one hand. Her smile held none of yesterday’s sadness as her gaze wandered over Jess’s outfit. “We’re going to the park today?”
Jess grinned and pointed at her sneakers. “Let’s hurry so we have more daylight left.”
They walked to the park in record time. Jess didn’t have enough breath for talking, but she was proud to reach the entrance without panting. Right after Ella’s birth, or even a month ago, she wouldn’t have made it.
Jess took a deep breath of the fresh air, not because she needed to but because she’d missed it. Why had she been so stubborn last weekend and stayed in her condo? “Have I told you I got rid of my living room stuff the other day?”
“Really? What did you do with it?” Curiosity lightened Lena’s tone.
“The weekend was too long. After napping with Ella on and off all day, I was still too tired to do anything on Saturday evening, so I opened a bottle of too-expensive Pinot and tried to veg on that much-too-white couch. I was so tempted to pour the glass all over it, so Ella wouldn’t be the first to spoil it. But then I took some pictures of my stuff and put it online for a ridiculous price. I guess I lost my tolerance for even one glass of wine during the pregnancy.”
“And?”
“When I woke up the next morning, I had tons of notifications on my phone. I sold everything to a nice gay couple. Couch, chairs, dining room set, even the rug. They picked it up the next day. It was all very cliché—one of them couldn’t stop crying. He was so happy to get the table of his dreams.”
“I guess they don’t have kids yet.” Lena snorted. “And now?”
“Now I have a new, colorful rug and half a dozen oversized pillows. I spread them in front of the windows, and Ella and I have been enjoying the view. I have no idea what kind of furniture I need or want. I’ll take it day by day.”
Lena studied her for a moment. The hazel eyes reflected the green of the trees around them and seemed to peel through the layers of humor Jess had wrapped around her story. “That doesn’t sound like you, to be so spontaneous without a plan. Was it difficult?”
Jess didn’t know what frightened her more, to act spontaneously or to be seen, really seen, by someone she cared for. “Yeah. I freaked myself out a little.”
“You’ll know soon enough what you want. I’m sure your gut will tell you sooner or later. Sometimes it’s necessary to tear everything down before you know how you want to rebuild.”
“Hmm. Maybe.” The notion of her internal organs making a decision without the involvement of her brain scared her a little, and she wasn’t in the right frame of mind to take care of such details as living room furniture. How could she take on the bigger decisions of her life if the idea of choosing a couch freaked her out that much?
With that uncanny ability to read her, Lena reached out to lightly touch her arm. “Jess, give yourself time. The answers to the important questions will come.”
“What questions?” Jess swallowed. They were still talking about the fucking furniture, right?
“What do you want out of your life? What are your priorities?”
“I do have a plan, just not for my furniture.” That sounded too defensive, and maybe it was. She couldn’t face this tonight. She was tired and afraid. What if Lena was wrong and she didn’t find the answers after all?
They continued walking for a few minutes until they reached the crossing where they usually turned around. Jess looked at Lena and raised her eyebrow. With a nod, Lena took a new path. The terrain was a bit rougher but nothing they couldn’t handle.
Lena bent down to pick up a pinecone that lay in her way. “When my mother had me, she was fifteen.” Her voice was quiet and calm, like a summer evening before a storm, when the birds stopped singing and the air compressed into a tight fist. “She hung around for a few months but then took off and disappeared for the next five or so years. After that, she sometimes visited, brought cheap presents like candy, and disappeared again. I thought she was cool, edgy, had important stuff to do, places to be, but I didn’t like that she made my grandma cry. I tried to impress her. I wanted her to smile at me, notice me, when she visited.” Lena twisted the pinecone around in her hands, picking off the scales one by one.
Jess wanted to hug her, but Lena walked a few steps to the side as if she needed a safe distance. “Were you angry with her or your grandparents?”
“When I fully realized it wasn’t a normal thing to do for a mother, I was maybe twelve or thirteen. By then, it was only Grandma and me at home. My grandpa had died a couple of years earlier. He was older.” A muscle in Lena’s cheek twitched. Tears rolled down her cheeks, but she made no move to stop them. “Yeah, I was angry and disappointed and confused, and I felt adrift as if I didn’t belong anywhere. I had no one to talk to. I had withdrawn from my best friend a few months earlier because I’d started to struggle with my sexuality. I was in the middle of puberty and was having crazy mood swings.” She threw the rest of pinecone away. It ricocheted from a tree and almost hit Lena before it fell to the ground. She stared at the mangled seed for a moment, then laughed. “What a perfect lesson for anger management.”
Maybe it was inappropriate, but Jess couldn’t help but laugh with her. “True. I’ll keep it in mind.”
Lena picked up the pinecone and laid it to rest next to a tree. She whispered something Jess couldn’t quite make out, but it sounded as if she apologized. She wiped her eyes and returned to Jess’s side.
Admiration filled Jess with warmth. She could learn a life lesson or two from her. “How did you get out of your anger and mood swings? I don’t remember all of puberty, but I think I picked fights with nearly everyone who crossed my path.”
“Oh, that was your puberty persona? I guess I met her a couple of months ago.” Lena’s tone was teasing and light.
Jess chuckled. “You’re right. Let’s blame my hormones. Better than to admit I was an ass.” She sobered and looked in Lena’s eyes. “But seriously, I was an ass. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. You already apologized, and I meant it when I said I accepted it.” And Lena’s eyes confirmed it.
“Thank you.” It was remarkable to Jess how Lena didn’t hold on to anger. “So what did you do? Drink and cry?”
“I wasn’t the type to do something rash or take up drinking and drugs like my mother did when she was young. I hid in the old tree house in the small backyard and poured all my conflicting emotions into my sketches. Most of it was awful teenage stuff, but some of it must have been good. I caught the attention of the art teacher, and she helped me to focus on that. Later, that led to my application for art school and even got me a scholarship. So something good did come out of all that mess after all.”
“You had a scholarship to art school? Where did you go?”
“I didn’t.” Lena looked away and shrugged.
“Oh. Why?”
“Life. Difficult decisions. As I said, I moved in with my mother. My grades suffered, and I lost the scholarship. Then my mother needed my college fund more than I did, and I had to work to pay the bills. No time for college anymore.”
“Ah.” Jess couldn’t find anything appropriate to say. How could a mother rob her daughter of her savings, her education, her future? Anger boiled under the surface, like an earthquake about to tear open a chasm. She clenched the bar of the stroller until her knuckles shone stark white next to the black.
“Hey.” Lena’s hand stroked over Jess’s knuckles. “It was a long time ago. I’m over it.”
How could she be? But it wasn’t Jess’s fight. She eased her grip and relaxed her shoulders. “You’re a more forgiving person than I am.”
“I’m not so sure.” As if talking to herself, Lena’s voice was low. She didn’t elaborate.
Silence enveloped them as Jess replayed the conversation in her mind. Lena’s inner strength was amazing, but it had come at a difficult price.
With her privileged background, Jess had never lacked for a home, parents, funds for college. She’d grown up in the insurmountable security of who she was and where she belonged, believing she could do everything she set her mind to. And the first time something hadn’t gone as planned, she’d completely dissolved in anger and insecurity.
Jess stopped and looked at Lena. “Do you want to go back or walk a bit more?”
“You want to drive home?” Lena’s eyes were red-rimmed but free of tears for now. Her lips lifted in a serene half smile, and her gaze moved over Jess as if searching for something.
Home? Jess had no idea where her home was anymore. She should turn around and leave, drive to her condo like the independent adult she pretended to be. But she wasn’t in the mood to face the emptiness tonight. It was getting late, and it would be much better for Ella if she let her sleep here. Her mom wouldn’t mind, and she’d save an hour tomorrow morning. And she could prolong her walk with Lena. But that wasn’t why she was staying. Walking was healthy for her since she’d spent all day sitting behind her desk talking to patients and scheduling interventions. Staying was the responsible thing to do. “No. I thought… It’s better for Ella to stay here tonight instead of driving back.”
Lena tilted her head to the side and did that thing again where Jess felt as if she read her mind. Whatever she found in there, it made her smile.
Chapter Twenty-One
The parking spot next to her Ford was still empty, like a half-finished picture. With a sigh, Lena pushed the stroller past her car. The automatic solar lights flared one by one as she passed them on her way to the patio. This was the third day in a row Jess had missed their walk.
Maggie was waiting with her cell phone in hand. She looked up when Lena approached, and a deep line creased her brow.
Lena parked the stroller next to the table and checked Ella was still sleeping. “Did Jess say when she was coming? Should I take Ella upstairs or leave her here?”
“I haven’t heard from her yet.” When Maggie shook her head, her impeccable gray updo barely moved. That was different from her usual loose bun that defied gravity with a couple of pencils and luck.
Lena gave her a second look. Maggie’s outfit was different too—a neatly pressed dress. No grass stains or wrinkles. “You look great. Are you meeting someone? A date?”
“What has happened to feminism that you assume I’d only dress up if I had a date?” Maggie tutted.
“You’re right.” Lena sat down, stretched out her legs, and looked at her own loose linen pants, crinkled after a day of wear. Comfortable but far from elegant. “And what do I know about dates or dressing up anyway? It’s been ages for me.”
“Really? I thought…” Maggie studied Lena like one of her rare plants. “What about you and Jess?”
“Jess?” Her voice came out shrill, and she swallowed to get it back under control. “Why would you think that? We’re just friends.” With benefits, but she didn’t need to say that out loud. To Jess’s mother. Heat shot to her cheeks, and she bent down to adjust the closures of her sandals that didn’t need adjusting.
“I might be old, but I’m not blind. Wasn’t that a date three weeks ago, when you both dressed up? You two weren’t wearing that nice dress and that suit to clean her apartment.”
Reluctantly, Lena sat up again. Maggie’s voice was still friendly, but would she approve of Lena dating her daughter? She had too much debt, no education, nothing to offer. Not that they were dating. They were friends who’d had fun—twice. How could she explain their non-relationship to Jess’s mother? She wasn’t sure she understood the rules and boundaries herself. “Um… We… It’s not…”
Maggie reached over and lightly squeezed Lena’s knee. “It’s okay. You don’t have to explain. You’re both adults.”
Lena sank back in her chair. “It’s complicated. We’re friends, but the rest is still…open.” And whatever it was, it didn’t seem to be a priority for Jess, as they’d barely spent any time together.
Again, that intense gaze held hers. But Maggie’s smile was far from judgmental. The acceptance and affection reminded her of her grandma. “Whenever you want to talk about it, you can come to me. I might be Jess’s mother, but I cherish you as a friend too and won’t automatically take her side.”
Lena blinked as tears rose. Luck and a random chat with a stranger
at the market had led her to this wonderful place, and hearing their friendship was mutual warmed her more than she could say. “Thank you.”
The vibration of an incoming message rattled Maggie’s phone. She looked at it and sighed. “I better call my friends and cancel dinner. Jess is running late again.”
“Wait, don’t cancel your plans. I can watch Ella until she gets here.”
“It might be late, and you’re already doing so much for her.”
“It’s no problem. I’ll put Ella to bed, and then sit here and sketch a bit.”
“Thank you.” Maggie stood and hugged her, then leaned in the stroller to whisper a goodbye to Ella.
Darkness had settled around the cocoon of light on the patio when steps on the gravel announced Jess’s arrival.
“Oh, hi, Lena. Where’s Mom?” Jess’s grin was unapologetic. Did she really think this behavior was acceptable?
“She’s out.”
“Out? What about Ella?”
“What do you think? I didn’t have anything better to do with my evening.” Lena pushed the baby monitor toward her.
It tumbled over and nearly slid off the table. Jess caught it at the last moment and carefully placed it back on the table.
Oops. That hadn’t been intentional, but Lena wasn’t in the mood to apologize. She raised her chin.
“You didn’t need to sacrifice your evening to watch her. My mom said she would do it.”
“And she would have. But she had plans, and I didn’t.”
“She didn’t say anything about plans.”
“Did you even ask? It’s Friday evening, and your mother has friends. Have you even considered the possibility Maggie is giving up much of her well-earned rest and plans for you?”
“Don’t you think this conversation should be between her and me? You’re not her daughter.”
Lena flinched. That was true. She wasn’t Maggie’s daughter, but she still cared about her. Right now, she seemed to care more than Jess did. “Yes, you should absolutely have this conversation with your mother, but I see a side of her that you can’t.” She stood with the intention to leave.