by Chris Zett
“What makes you think that?” Jess’s question stopped Lena before she’d gone more than a couple of steps.
She faced Jess. “Because you’re never here. And when you are, you’re too self-absorbed to see. You don’t see how she always prepares an extra portion of dinner in case you’re hungry when you come in the evening. You don’t see her tired in the morning because she took care of Ella during the night when you were on call or couldn’t make it. She’s retired, and you’re making her work twenty-four-seven.”
“I’m not making her do anything. She offered, and I accepted. She loves her granddaughter.” The lack of remorse in Jess’s voice was maddening.
“Of course she loves her, and she loves you too. That’s why she’s doing it. Like my grandma took care of me without a second thought.” Anger at her own mother rose like a badly buried fire in the wind. “But it aged her to have a baby again when she had already raised one difficult daughter. I’m sure that’s why she had a stroke in her early sixties.” Jess’s shaking of her head only fanned the flames. “If you continue like this, you could kill your mom.”
“You accuse me of killing my mother?” Jess recoiled as if she’d been slapped, then she squared her shoulders and took a step forward, right in Lena’s personal space. “Just because you think you killed your grandmother doesn’t make it true,” Jess said slowly. “That’s not what causes a stroke.”
The easy dismissal of Lena’s concerns broke her last restraints. “I’m not accusing you of anything. I’m warning you. Everything revolves around you and your work. You think you can do your thing, and everyone has to jump and cover for you. It’s not fair to Ella and Maggie.” And not to me. Lena shoved the last thought back in the recess of her mind where it belonged. She had no claim on Jess’s time.
“My work is important. I can’t float along and hope for the best. I made plans, and I need to stick to them. My mother gets it; that’s why she supports me while I get back on track. You can’t get ahead in the cardiology department if you run home at five every day.”
Lena gasped as the meaning of Jess’s words hit her like a kick to the gut. “And you think because I don’t have a detailed plan for the rest of my life, because my work isn’t important, I can’t understand you? Who do you think you are, Doctor Riley? Do you think because you’re a cardiologist you’re the only one who knows what breaks people’s hearts?”
“What? No. I haven’t said that. I haven’t been talking about you at all.” Jess raised her hands, palms outward. “I thought we were discussing my relationship with my mom. Which is none of your business.”
“Maggie is my friend, and that makes it my business.” Why couldn’t Jess see Lena loved Maggie almost like a mother? She tried to put all her feelings into her voice to reach Jess. “If I had a family like yours, I would do everything to show my mom how much I value her. I wouldn’t disregard her feelings to follow a plan.”
“So that’s it? You want a substitute mom and suddenly you’re an expert on our family?” Jess towered over her like the statue of an avenging goddess. “I won’t apologize for taking my work seriously and having a solid plan for my future. That’s what got me this far.”
Lena’s head swam from the backlash. She couldn’t focus on everything Jess had said and latched onto the last statement. “Forget your plan for a second! If it’s so perfect, why are you so unhappy about it all? You’ve followed your plan and have all you need for a perfect life: a healthy daughter, your own condo, a job you love, a supportive mother, probably more money than you need—and you don’t value any of it.” Lena had had enough. Jess opened her mouth to reply, but she wasn’t finished yet. All these weeks she’d stuffed her frustration in a locked box, and now that she’d lifted the lid a little, everything spilled out. “Yes, you had a shitty year. Your health failed you. But what did you learn from it? Your heart has recovered, but your ego is still bleeding.”
Jess paled and took a step back. “Ego? You have no idea about my feelings.”
“How can I? You close yourself off emotionally. We’ve talked and shared quite a bit over the last few weeks, but whenever we scratch the surface, you retreat. And that’s why we’re just friends with benefits or fuck buddies or whatever you want to call it.”
“Friends? You call this friendship?” Jess gestured between them.
“Yes. I wouldn’t care what a stranger or even an acquaintance thinks of me. If you weren’t a friend, it wouldn’t hurt that you believe I only cared about Maggie because I want a substitute mother.” Lena wiped her eyes with one hand, then jerked it away and balled her hands into fists. She wouldn’t give Jess the satisfaction of seeing her cry, damn it. “And if we weren’t friends, I wouldn’t care about you. About how your work affects you and your relationships with Maggie and Ella. How it affects your health.”
Jess stared at her, lips pressed together in a thin line. Her face was flushed, but her expression didn’t give away any of her thoughts or emotions. Only her expressive eyes revealed the storm brewing inside.
She reminded Lena of the Jess she’d first met. She’d been as full of anger then as she was today and had lashed out like a trapped animal.
Lena’s own irritation and frustration urged her to do the same. But she wouldn’t. She wanted to reach Jess, not drive her away. She deliberately opened her fists and loosened her shoulders. They weren’t in a fighting match, no matter how much Jess’s punches hurt. Or how much her own punches had hit Jess already. “I’m sorry for throwing it all at you when you came home after a long day.”
A muscle twitched in Jess’s jaw, and moisture pooled in her eyes, but she didn’t say anything.
“Jess?” Lena touched her arm. The hard muscles under her fingertips vibrated.
That broke the spell. Jess grabbed the baby monitor and turned on her heel. Without another word, she stalked into the house.
Lena wanted to follow her, but instead, she packed away her sketching supplies. She cleaned the fine brushes with a bit of water, then dried them with a cloth. Meticulously, she placed each brush, pen, and pencil into its slot in her roll. The leather was worn to a perfect suppleness and frayed around the edges. Her grandma had given it to her the day she’d moved to her mother’s, and it was the only personal possession, apart from a backpack of clothes, that she’d taken with her when she’d had to leave the house because her mother hadn’t paid the bills.
Was she looking for another mother? She hadn’t thought so, but that didn’t make Jess’s statement less true. Sometimes other people could see your motives more clearly. And why had she acted so out of character? She needed to do some work unpacking her emotions and examining her motives. And then she would have to make some decisions on how far she was willing to involve herself in Jess’s life. If she even let her after her tirade.
Jess had planned to get Ella and drive home, away from Lena and her accusations. But when she saw her daughter sleeping peacefully, she changed her mind. It was late anyway. And driving while angry was dangerous. She was no trauma surgeon, but she’d seen her share of unnecessary accidents during her career. And if she was honest, she hated her empty condo. So she flung herself into her old bed and tossed and turned until she passed out from sheer exhaustion in a fitful sleep. An hour before dawn, Ella’s cries had woken her.
Now Jess rested on a deck chair, with a sated and clean Ella on her chest, both of them covered by a cozy blanket. She waited for dawn, the universal signal of a new day, a new start.
Last night’s restlessness hadn’t been conducive to logical thinking, but a realization had formed like a tiny flame growing into a signal fire. Lena was right; something had to give. She couldn’t continue with her life the way she’d planned it, driving back and forth with an unreliable work schedule.
Jess considered the problem again, and this morning the solution was obvious. She had several options: She could leave Ella with her mother permanently
during the week, she could take her to daycare, or she could hire a nanny.
The first option wasn’t fair to her mom. Lena’s accusations had been over the top, but there was a kernel of truth in them. Daycare was an option, but each and every one she’d visited had lacked something. If she was honest with herself, she didn’t like the impersonal aspect of it while Ella was still so young. So number three it was.
The thought of letting a stranger into her home was disconcerting, and not only during the day but twenty-four-seven. How else would they handle the long hours or, even worse, the times she was on call? She needed someone to live with her. Someone trustworthy, reliable, honest—someone who loved Ella and whom she could stand to be around all the time. Apart from her mother, only one other person came to mind. Lena.
It was perfect. Ella sleeping on top of her stopped Jess from jumping up and pacing excitedly. Ella would get the care she needed. Lena would get a real job doing something she loved and would have enough time to sketch. Maybe she could even still work a few hours for Jess’s mom if she wanted to. She could even make a career out of nannying when Ella was older and didn’t need her anymore. Money wasn’t an issue for Jess, so she would work out a fair wage, health insurance, and maybe even send her to a few qualification courses or something. The more she thought about the plan, the more it appealed to her.
At a quarter to six, she carried the still sleeping Ella to her room and picked up the baby monitor. Hoping Ella would give her at least a couple of hours to talk to Lena, she tiptoed to her room to change for tai chi.
With her stomach in knots, Jess crossed the lawn.
Lena had already started the greeting ritual. When Jess approached, she froze for a second, then finished the movement. Without meeting Jess’s gaze, she nodded once.
It took nearly a minute for Jess to find the right stance. Wherever she put her feet, the balance was off somehow, and it was more difficult than even the first time to quell her urge to move. She’d rather talk, but she respected Lena’s need for a morning routine.
Maybe they could decorate the living room together to create a training space for both of them. For the first time in weeks, a spark of enthusiasm flickered when she thought about her condo and her life there.
The hour seemed endless. As soon as Lena bowed to the ground, words spilled from Jess like an overflowing dam. “I thought a lot last night. You were right. At least partly.”
“Good morning to you too.” Lena’s smile was more teasing than mocking and couldn’t dampen Jess’s eagerness.
“Sorry, good morning. Do you have some time?”
“Twenty minutes, then I need to get ready for the market. Tea on the porch?”
Jess had forgotten Lena still sold preserves. She would be able to give that up too. “Um, okay.” She didn’t need tea, but Lena would be more comfortable with a hot drink.
In the few minutes the water needed to boil, Jess went over her arguments again and was ready to spill the moment Lena placed two mugs between them and sat down.
But Lena beat her to it. “I’m sorry for yelling at you yesterday. I wasn’t fair. That’s not how I want to communicate. Or how I want to be.” She shifted in her seat, but her gaze never left Jess’s eyes.
“Thank you. I want to apologize too.” The uneasiness in Jess’s stomach dissolved. They were both ready to find a solution. “You were right about some things, and I needed to hear them. I need to change something with Ella’s care, and I came up with a great solution that will solve both our problems. I need someone to take care of Ella full-time, and it can’t be my mother. I still don’t think it would age or even kill her, but you’re right. She has her own life.”
Lena opened her mouth to say something, but Jess couldn’t wait. She had only twenty minutes, and she wanted to lay out every positive argument before Lena could doubt the idea. Jess reached over the small table and took Lena’s hand. “Hear me out, please. I need someone who stays at my place, who adjusts to Ella’s rhythm, who can even take care of her when I’m on call and need to go to the hospital in the middle of the night. And I would pay, of course, a generous wage and provide a room and all the groceries. What do you think?”
Lena’s brow furrowed, and her hand was shaking. “I’m not sure what you’re saying. You want to hire a nanny?”
“Exactly! I want to hire a nanny. But not anyone. You.” Jess beamed, expecting Lena to smile back.
But she didn’t. Lena showed no reaction, not even the tiniest smile. It was as if her face had been frozen. Maybe she hadn’t understood what Jess was saying.
“It would be perfect.” Jess squeezed her hand. “You could do a job you cared about instead of being my mom’s assistant. And you would save on living expenses. You’d be out of debt in no time. And you could make a career out of it, attend some courses on the weekend, get a certification or something. I would pay for it.”
Lena blinked, but her frown didn’t lessen. “You want me to be Ella’s nanny? You came up with this brilliant plan, and now you thrust it on me?” Lena’s voice got louder with each word. She jumped up and shook off Jess’s hand. “Without asking for my opinion, you plan out my life, my career? And why? Because it would make your life so much easier.” Her eyes blazed. “I’m not obligated to make your life less complicated.”
No, Lena had it all wrong. This was the perfect solution for both of them. Why couldn’t she see it? “It’s not for me. Well, not just for me. We would both profit from it. And we could live together. Wouldn’t it be great to spend more time together?” Jess hadn’t even considered the last part before she spoke it out loud, but as she said it, she knew it was important. Maybe as important as the rest.
“I won’t be Ella’s nanny. Been there, done that. And my career and debt aren’t your business. Where I work, what I earn, and how I pay for my life might not be up to your standards, but I’m in control. It’s my life, my decision. And Jess…” Lena looked her up and down with an expression as if she’d stepped into a pile of shit. “Don’t ever again suggest paying me to spend time with you.”
Lena strode away and closed the door behind her. The lock snapped into place like a slap.
“Fuck!” How could everything have gone so wrong so fast?
Jess rose and picked up the baby monitor with trembling hands. Should she follow, talk this out? No. She wasn’t quite sure what she’d done this time to fuck it all up, and she needed to give Lena’s words some serious thought. That would leave Lena some time to cool down, and then she’d talk to her again.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Lena’s car groaned as it fought with the last steep stretch of road and sighed as they reached Maggie’s driveway as if it knew it would now be able to rest after the hard labor. Lena sighed with it. The driveway was empty. Not that unusual for Monday morning, but all weekend she’d been dreading seeing Jess again. It was a relief to know she had at least a ten-hour respite until she came to pick up Ella.
Lena got out of the car and stretched her back and neck. She wished she had time for tai chi, but she was running late for work with Maggie.
The old couch had been uncomfortable but good enough. Lena had forgotten Rachel lived with her mother when she’d asked for a place to stay. But Rachel had invited her without question when Lena had told her she needed some time and space to think. Running away wasn’t Lena’s usual solution, but she hadn’t wanted to face Jess while she was still angry and hurt. And the distance had helped. All weekend she’d gone through the things they’d said to each other. With each statement, she’d examined the emotions rising in her and had tugged and prodded at them to see if they were hiding even deeper emotions, buried beneath the fear of getting hurt again.
Jess had made a few good points. Lena was in search of a family of her own, but that wasn’t so wrong. Didn’t everyone look for similar things? She wasn’t trying to find a replacement for her grandma and mother. S
he was trying to follow her own path, wherever it may lead.
Usually, it didn’t lead to deeper connections to people. Even her many friendships were mostly superficial. She steered clear of commitment because she always expected rejection. She had moved from town to town, house to house, without putting down roots. Until recently. Here, in Maggie’s garden, with her solid friendship, Lena wanted to stay.
That was the reason she had hesitated to get involved with Jess. Everything was too connected: her home, her job, her friendship with Maggie. She cared for Maggie and valued her opinion, she adored Ella, and Jess… It would be too easy to fall in love with her if Jess continued to be charming and attentive. But Jess had made it clear she didn’t think of Lena as equal. She’d mapped out Lena’s life without consulting her as if Lena wasn’t able to do it herself.
Halfway to the main house, Lena’s steps faltered as if she was wading through knee deep mud. What if Jess had talked with her mother and Maggie supported the plan? Lena couldn’t get between mother and daughter and expect to have Maggie on her side.
She let herself fall on the bench next to the path and buried her head in her hands. What had she been thinking? Tears wet her palms, and she rubbed her eyes as if that would stop them leaking.
Jess’s suggestion had been too much. It had been the situation with her mother all over again, only now Lena could see the hurt that would be in front of her. Jess wanted her as a nanny, like her mother had wanted her as a free babysitter. And Lena knew how this would end. She’d fall hopelessly in love with Ella and probably Jess as well, and then Ella would grow up, or Jess would find a partner to be the second mother, or anything else could happen, and Lena would have to go, leaving pieces of her heart behind once again.
Her heart had been pushed around so often she still felt the bruises. She hadn’t wanted to make herself so vulnerable again, but it was too late. All the women in the Riley family had found their way around her protective walls.