Heart Failure
Page 32
But now Jess had four days off every week and was using the time to learn to cook.
Lena quickened her steps, even though her muscles protested. She wasn’t used to a desk job, as much as she liked the actual work. She needed a walk after dinner to work off the stiffness. Or a massage. The thought warmed her better than a coat would have.
Wearing a thick sweater and wrapped in a quilt, Jess sat on the porch with Ella, giving her the bottle. She smiled at Lena.
The image stirred Lena’s heart, as always. Her favorite two women. She still couldn’t believe how fast she’d gotten used to their daily presence in her life. “Hi, there.” She kissed Jess on the mouth and Ella on her head.
“Dinner will take another ten or fifteen minutes. You want some tea?” Jess motioned with her head to the table, where a travel cup waited.
“For me? Thank you.” Yawning, Lena sat in the other chair and sipped the still warm tea. Mint with ginger and a hint of honey. For someone who supposedly didn’t like tea, Jess had become quite good at combining fresh ingredients. “How can I be so tired when I didn’t do anything but sit all day?”
“Your brain needs fuel too. We can skip our walk later.”
“No. I’ve looked forward to it all afternoon.” Lena pretended to pout. “How was your day? Did you have time to do anything apart from watching cooking shows online all day?” She winked. “Still in your Italian phase?”
“Are you complaining?” Jess struck out her tongue. “Vegetable lasagna. And I even made the pasta myself. And cleaned up the mess afterward. You’re welcome.” She took the empty bottle from Ella when she stopped drinking, held her against her shoulder, and stroked her back. “And I did some paperwork today, preparing for tomorrow, so I won’t need to be at the clinic for too long.” She sighed. “I need to swing by my condo to get some more warm clothes after work. I wonder if I should stay the night there. It would be easier. But I’d miss you two.” She glanced from Ella to Lena.
“Or I could come to your place after work and bring Ella if you don’t mind me staying over.”
“Really?” Jess’s face lit up. “I thought you hated the place.”
“Hate is such a strong word.” Lena shrugged. “I didn’t feel at home there, didn’t feel your presence. But we’re in a different phase of our relationship now. And I thought, maybe, sometime later, when we’re both sure it’s the right time, I could move in with you. Especially when you start working more hours again. It would make sense.”
Jess’s eyes widened. “You’d move in with me?”
“I mean, I would pay rent. At the end of the year, one debt will be paid off, and I can afford more rent and—”
“No, wait. I don’t want money to be an issue between us.”
Lena believed her, but it wasn’t that easy for her. “I know you mean well, but you only say that because you have money.”
“I know. And does it make me happy? It makes me well fed and clothed, and I have a roof over my head that’s too large and empty and soulless.”
“Soulless?” Lena wouldn’t have worded it the same, but that had been her impression too.
Jess grinned. “Yeah. I’m not feeling at home there either. So let’s not argue. I don’t think either of us wants to move there. I had another idea. Today, I had a rather lengthy conversation with the real estate agent who sold me my condo.”
“What were you talking about?”
“I wanted to know my options, how the market is for condos.”
“You want to buy another condo?”
“No, actually, I was thinking about selling and moving back to my mom’s.” Her expression was carefully neutral.
By now, Lena had learned that this expression meant Jess was emotionally invested and even a bit insecure about Lena’s reaction. Really, Jess wasn’t as hard to decipher as she probably thought. “You want to live with Maggie? Full-time?”
“Or I’ll search for another place nearby. I’d love to be closer to you. Every day. I love the long weekends, but the middle of the week is still empty.”
“Why don’t you move in with me?” Lena held her breath. She hadn’t thought this through before offering. Were they ready to take the next step? Was she ready to give up her own space?
“In the garden house?” Jess trailed her fingers over the wooden wall next to her. “But you told me that it is your sanctuary. The first time you have something to yourself. I wouldn’t want to take it from you.”
That Jess had remembered and considered her feelings above her own was everything Lena needed to hear. “You wouldn’t be taking it. I’m offering to share. You love this house as much as I do. And if you move in with me and pay half the rent, I wouldn’t need to give massage classes anymore and we could make that Ella’s room.”
“I’d love to move in.” Jess grinned, then her smile dimmed a little. “But isn’t it too soon? I’m not talking about practical reasons like rent, which my mom wouldn’t let me pay anyway, or driving back and forth. I’m talking about us.”
“What more do you need to know about me? I’ve told you about all the problems in my past.”
“I was thinking more about my flaws.” Jess shifted Ella on her other shoulder and wrapped the quilt around her. “You’re perfect the way you are—calm, tenacious, caring. I’m constantly fearing you’ll wake up one morning and realize I don’t deserve you and you can find someone better.”
Shaking her head, Lena slid forward in her seat until their legs touched. “Why would I want to find someone better? You’re the best for me.” She held Jess’s gaze. Lena didn’t want any uncertainty to remain between them. “All these years, I was afraid I was too trusting. I wouldn’t realize how people really were until I was in head over heels, so I started keeping everyone at a distance. But with you, it’s the opposite. You broke through my walls and forced me to really see you. We clashed more than enough in the beginning, and I learned more about the negative and annoying character traits you have than I ever could if we met at any other time in your life. I saw you at your worst, and your good qualities still outshone the bad. You care about others, sometimes too much, so that you end up hurt and angry. You didn’t give up, even when your body failed you. You never lost your sense of humor. You own your problems and work at them. When you do something, you’re all in. You don’t do anything halfway. I fell in love with you because of who you are, not in spite of it.”
Tears glittered in Jess’s eyes. She wiped at them with her sleeve, an awkward motion since she still held Ella against her shoulder. “I love you so much, and I’ll never understand what you see in me.”
“I’ll work on showing you every day.” Lena stroked with her thumb over Jess’s cheeks, erasing the last traces of her tears. “So we’re doing this? Moving in together?”
“Yes. The garden house might be small, but I think it’ll let us grow together as a family.”
“Family.” Lena sank into Jess’s eyes, blue like the sea, but instead of drowning, she floated in the warmth.
A shrill alarm sounded from Jess’s phone on the table. Ella stirred and cried, and Lena reached for the phone to shut it off at the same time as Jess did. Their fingers collided, and for a second, Lena forgot what she had intended to do. But the annoying beeping reminded her soon enough.
“Dinner is ready.” Jess looked from Ella on her shoulder to Lena.
“You want me to get dinner or try to reassure Ella?”
Without hesitation, Jess stood and handed Ella over. “My tears are not helping. She might be quieter with her other mom.”
Lena wasn’t sure she had heard right, but Jess left before she could ask her to clarify. She snuggled Ella against her and stood to pace. In combination with cooing noises, that seemed to do the trick to calm Ella, even if it didn’t help Lena.
Family.
She had said it herself, not a minute ago. When Je
ss decided something, she went all in. Would Lena be able to do the same? She had always held something of herself back to protect her heart. Only it was too late. She was all in already. Her heart had committed to Jess and Ella and Maggie. To her family.
She hastened inside the house, needing to be close to Jess, who had just taken the pan from the oven. Mouthwatering steam filled the kitchen.
“Jess?” Lena stepped next to her. “Did you mean what you said? If it was just a figure of speech or…I can understand. I know you can give no guarantees for forever, but if you say this now and later leave me and take Ella…I don’t think my heart could handle it.” She knew she was babbling, but her fears needed to be voiced.
Jess slipped out of the oven mitts and hugged her, careful not to squeeze Ella between them. “Yes. I meant what I said. I know I offered myself to you already, but Ella is the most important part of me, and I would be honored to share her with you. I don’t want a babysitter or a stepmom or anything like that. I want to be a family with you, and I would love for you to be her mom, same as me. If you want to?”
“Yes.” Nothing more could be said, at least not with words. Lena leaned into a kiss that was different. Not because they were standing in the kitchen with Ella wedged between them. No. Because they were both parts of a whole and the kiss sealed them together.
If you enjoyed Heart Failure, you might want to check out Chris Zett’s Irregular Heartbeat, the novel in which Diana and Emily met in the emergency department and fell in love.
About Chris Zett
Chris Zett lives in Berlin, Germany, with her wife. TV inspired her to study medicine, but she found out soon enough that real life in a hospital consists more of working long hours than performing heroic rescues. The part about finding a workplace romance turned out to be true, though.
She uses any opportunity to escape the routine by reading, writing, or traveling. Her favorite destinations include penguin colonies in Patagonia and stone circles in Scotland.
CONNECT WITH CHRIS
Website: www.chris-zett.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/ChrisZettAuthor
Twitter: @ChrisZettAuthor
E-Mail: chris-zett@web.de
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Heart Failure
© 2020 by Chris Zett
ISBN (mobi): 978-3-96324-317-2
ISBN (epub): 978-3-96324-318-9
Also available as paperback.
Published by Ylva Publishing, legal entity of Ylva Verlag, e.Kfr.
Ylva Verlag, e.Kfr.
Owner: Astrid Ohletz
Am Kirschgarten 2
65830 Kriftel
Germany
www.ylva-publishing.com
First edition: 2020
No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are a product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to locales, events, business establishments, or actual persons—living or dead—is entirely coincidental.
Credits
Edited by Alissa McGowan, Miranda Miller, and Amber Williams
Cover Design and Print Layout by Streetlight Graphics
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