Arms of Grace

by Eleanor Chance

  “Don’t say that. My tragedies don’t diminish your trials. You did what you had to, and there were days when I wanted to crawl into a hole. Most days, in fact. That was twenty years ago, and I’ve only been truly coming to terms with it in the last few months. You deserve most of the credit for that. I don’t know why I resisted telling you. I’m glad you know. Now we understand each other. I feel closer to you.”

  Adam cleared his throat, reminding us he was there.

  “And you too,” I said.

  “Thanks for including me, Grace. I promise to keep what you’ve said a secret.” He stood and stretched his legs. “But I need some sleep. I’ll see you two later.”

  Alec’s gaze followed Adam from the room. When she turned back and caught me watching her, she said, “Don’t give me that look. There’s nothing going on.”

  “Yes, so you keep saying.”

  “It’s true. Stop it, Grace,” she said and crossed her arms.

  “I’m just teasing. He’s a good man, Alec. You should go for it.”

  “We’re just friends, and this would be the worst timing ever. Now, back to you. You can’t drop a bombshell like that on me and expect me to let it go. I’m reeling. I have millions of questions.”

  I held up my hands to stop her. “Listen, Alec. I’ve told you all you need to know. It was a long time ago. You’re the one who keeps telling me to let it go.”

  “Fair enough.” She searched my eyes and said, “I was premature when I said everything made sense. Now it all makes sense, especially Johnny. It makes what you’re doing for him even more noble.”

  “Anyone would have done the same thing, but it’s not only about what I’m doing for him. It’s what he’s doing for me too. Being away from him is driving me crazy. I don’t know how much longer I can take it.”

  “You sound like I did when I got here,” Alec said.

  I nodded and said, “I just came in here to do a puzzle. We’ll all survive this,” I said, “but Adam had the right idea. I’m going to bed.”

  Alec sighed. “If you’re all going to abandon me, I guess I will too. See you at breakfast so we can get started doing nothing all over again.”

  I had no intention of sleeping when I got back to my room. All the talk about my past and Johnny got me too keyed up. The inactivity of the previous three weeks hadn’t helped. I straightened up my room, read, and did some sit-ups. Nothing worked. What I wanted was to see Johnny. Three days after the quarantine started, I’d given up calling the pediatric ward several times a day. It hadn’t been fair to take the nurses away from their work. I forced myself to only call once every twenty-four hours, but it wasn’t enough. My arms still ached to hold my boy.

  I was certain that I wouldn’t get the infection. I was as frustrated with the CDC director and admin as Alec was. I knew it had to be Kinsley’s doing since protecting his own self-interest was his guiding principle. He never cared about how his decisions affected anyone, as long his ass was covered.

  I’d always been the good little girl who followed the rules. My father beat that into me. Obedience had been a matter of life or death for me, and Danny had picked up right where my father left off. I had become incapable of disobeying. Rules became my parents and pleasing them consumed me. That behavior seeped into every aspect of my life, especially my work. I’d evolved since Johnny had come into my life though. I wasn’t that scared little girl anymore. I was a mother who had to get to her son. I took a page from Kinsley’s book and decided it was time to protect my own self-interest. I chucked the rule book and made my plan.

  I took a long, sanitizing shower and put on sanitary scrubs. Next, I threw on fresh gloves, a mask, and a gown. It was late, so the halls were quiet. When I knew the nurses would be done with rounds, I walked confidently to the ID-unit entrance. Since the epidemic was slowing down, the guards had become lax. When they saw me in my mask and gown, they let me pass without question.

  I was elated—and a little disturbed—that it had been so easy. I worried that adherence to protocol had softened in other areas of the hospital. No one paid the least bit of attention while I made my way to pediatrics on the opposite side of the hospital. I shouldn’t have worried. A pediatric nurse named Rebecca Wilson swooped down like a vulture as soon as I set foot in her unit.

  “What are you doing here, Grace? Aren’t you still in quarantine?” she asked.

  I was ready with the answer I’d rehearsed on the way over. “They notified us tonight that we’d be released in the morning. I decided to get an early start so I could visit Johnny. Don’t worry. My blood test was clean today. The guards let me pass with no problem. How is he?”

  I had to force myself to not rush and stay calm. I was anxious to see Johnny, but I didn’t want to make her suspicious.

  My reputation as a stickler was in my favor. She stared at me for a few seconds before going to look up Johnny’s chart. I took my first breath since I’d seen her and went to Johnny’s room. There lay my sweet boy, as still as always. His hair had grown. I was tempted to brush a lock off his forehead but stopped myself. I didn’t want to touch or hold him until I changed my gloves and gown.

  As I was pulling the gown around my shoulders, Rebecca came in to report on Johnny. “Not much has changed. He’s put on some weight, so that’s good. Here, I printed a copy for you.” She reached out her ungloved hand for me to take the report.

  After three weeks of hypervigilance, I was reluctant to take the report, but when I remembered where I was, I took it and thanked her. She left while I pretended to read it. The instant the door closed behind her, I threw the papers on a chair and ripped off my gown and gloves. I was grateful that I’d always insisted on having extra gowns in Johnny’s room. Once I was wearing the clean ones, I ran to Johnny. I scooped him up and cuddled his warm body to my chest, careful not to let my tears drip onto his skin.

  I stayed for an hour, rocking and singing to him. I explained why I’d been away and told him everything that had happened while we’d been apart. When it was time to go, I gently laid him back in his crib but then clung to the rail, reluctant to leave. When I finally tore myself away, I thought of the woman who had abandoned him in the ER. I remembered the anguish in her eyes at leaving him. I knew exactly how she’d felt.

  No one spoke to me or even noticed me on my way back to the ID unit. I thought again that it had been too easy. I made plans to see Johnny the following night, going at a different time to avoid seeing the same guards or having to face Rebecca. I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep up my nighttime escapes for long.

  I discarded my mask and gown when I got back to my room and climbed into bed. My visit with Johnny had left me relaxed and calm for the first time since the quarantine had begun. I fell asleep to the memory of him resting in my arms.

  I woke the next morning to Alec shaking my shoulders. When I opened my eyes, she said, “Wake up, Grace. What’s gotten into you? It’s nine. You never sleep this late.”

  I pushed the hair from my face and squinted at her, trying to make sense of what she was saying.

  “If I didn’t know you better, I’d say you were out tying one on last night.” She threw her head back and laughed at the thought.

  “Well, you’re in a better mood than you were last night. Maybe you’re the one who’s been drinking. Why did you wake me up?”

  “Great news. We’ve been paroled! We get to go home. They just told us.” She did a dance of joy and told me to get up.

  She didn’t have to say it twice. I couldn’t believe it. The story I told Rebecca had turned out to be true. I wondered if I had psychic powers. “I’m out of here,” I said and started stuffing my things into a tote bag. “Is the quarantine over? Do we have to sign papers or anything?”

  “No, the quarantine’s still in effect. They’re just letting us go. We can’t come back to work until the quarantine is lifted and the CDC clears out. They’re giving us paid leave. I’m going to take a trip. I’ve earned it.”

  “No
t me. I’m going to spend every minute with Johnny to make up for lost time,” I said, thrilled at the thought of it.

  “I get you wanting to see him, but I was hoping you’d come with me. Caroline’s still too sick and Kimberly…” Her lips quivered, and she teared up. “How can I be celebrating when Kimberly’s gone? What’s wrong with me?”

  I took her hand and led her to sit with me on the bed. “What would Kimberly have done if one of us had died? She wouldn’t have sat around being miserable. She’d have gone out and done the things she enjoyed. She’d want you to do that.”

  “Or she’d have ignored it, pretending it wasn’t real,” Alec said and crossed her arms. “She was that way sometimes.”

  “Maybe, but that’s not what I’m asking you to do. I don’t have to tell you how unpredictable life is. Honor Kimberly by making the most of today. A wise friend recently said, ‘Hic locus est ubi mors gaudet succurrere vitae.’”

  Alec gave a weak smile. “Way to throw my own advice back on me, but thank you. You may be right.”

  “Good. Now, about your trip. Why don’t you invite Angela?”

  “She’s going to spend some time with her family to appease her mom. She’s been going crazy.”

  “Take Adam then.”

  “Don’t start that again,” Alec said and rolled her eyes.

  “If you’re just friends, what’s the harm?”

  “I can’t invite a man to go on a trip with me as friends. It’d be too weird. You’d never do that. I’ll just go alone and have some me time or keep on trying to talk you into it.”

  I stood and picked up my bag. “Don’t bother, but go and enjoy yourself, whatever you decide to do.”

  She nodded but didn’t say anything as I rushed out to get back to Johnny.

  Chapter Six

  I spent as much time with Johnny as I could for the following two days, but the time came to return to reality. I spent an hour with him on the third day before going home to clean my house, sort through piles of mail, and pay bills. The worst part was getting rid of the spoiled food in the fridge. After making a trip to the grocery store, I ate dinner in front of the TV, satisfied with what I’d accomplished. I was sore and grimy but grateful to be getting back into a routine.

  A commercial with a woman soaking in a bubble bath came on while I was eating. The idea of a luxurious bath sounded perfect after three weeks of disinfection showers. The phone rang while I was filling the tub. The caller ID number was from pediatrics. I’d left word to contact me whenever Johnny showed any change, good or bad, but this was the first time they’d called. A woman whose voice I didn’t recognize said, “Is this Grace Ward?”

  “Yes, this is Grace,” I said and sat on the edge of the tub.

  “This is Karen Davis. I’m filling in for Rebecca. She started running a high fever today and had to go into quarantine. I found the note to contact you with information about Johnny. He started running a fever too. He’s in the ID unit. Do you want his last set of vitals?”

  I hung up, turned off the water, and threw on clean clothes. I was in the waiting area outside the ID unit twenty minutes later. I called Alec on the way to meet me there. She lived much closer to the hospital and was waiting when I arrived.

  “Why isn’t he in the PICU? What have you found out?” I asked after giving her a hug.

  “I’m so sorry. Johnny’s infected. They got him over here with lightning speed. Maybe that’ll give him a chance. They couldn’t risk infecting the PICU. He’ll get better attention here.”

  I dropped into a chair and put my head in my hands. Without looking up, I said, “He won’t survive. He’s susceptible to pneumonia under the best circumstances. Even Patrick couldn’t fight it. How will Johnny?”

  Alec sat next to me and said, “He’s beaten the odds so far. Let’s get more info before we start making predictions.”

  I nodded but not because I agreed with her. I knew it was the end for Johnny, and I blamed myself. From the moment I’d gotten the call, I knew I had to have been the one who’d exposed him. Not just Johnny. Rebecca’s life was on my head too. Alec put her hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged it off, not deserving of her comfort.

  “What was that for? It’s not my fault he’s sick,” she said.

  “I’m not mad at you. I’m furious with myself. It’s my fault.”

  “How? You didn’t see him until they cleared you. You were clean.”

  I stood and grabbed Alec by the arm. “Come on. We need to talk,” I said, and pulled her toward the exit.

  “Let go of me.” She freed her arm and straightened her sleeve. “Look. You stretched it out,” she said and held out her sleeve to show me.

  I ignored her and walked toward the parking lot to search for a clean strip of curb. Alec hesitated before sitting next to me.

  While I searched for the words to tell her what I’d done, she said, “Did you drag me out here to admire the parking lot? Let’s go in and find out what’s going on.”

  I shrugged her off. I was struggling with whether I should tell her because it could put her at risk if word got out. My secret was tearing me apart, though, so I decided to tell her. She could always deny she knew if anyone asked her. I’d back her up so I wouldn’t drag her down with me.

  “I visited Johnny three times before they cleared us.”

  Her eyes widened as I described my nighttime jaunts to pediatrics.

  “You did that? You, of all people? That’s something Angela, or anyone else would do. Never you. Why’d you risk it? You only had to wait a few more days.”

  “I didn’t know—didn’t know then that it would only be a few more days. The first time was the puzzle night. After our talk, I couldn’t stop thinking about Johnny. I had to see him. Now he and Rebecca are going to die, and it’s my fault. I killed them.”

  I put my face in my hands again and broke down. A car door closed near us, and I looked up. A man stood next to the car, staring at me.

  “Keep your voice down. People might misunderstand,” Alec said.

  “So what?” I said through my tears. “I don’t care what anyone thinks.”

  “You’ll care if someone calls 911 to report the woman who just confessed to murder.”

  I glared at the man, and he scurried away.

  “Grace, I still don’t understand. You survived three weeks without seeing him. Didn’t you stop to think that you could’ve infected him or risked losing your job, or worse if they caught you? How’d you get away with it anyway?”

  “No one even questioned me. Rebecca was suspicious at first. I thought she’d report me.”

  “See, right there. That should’ve been enough to stop you the next time,” Alec said and shook her head. “It makes no sense.”

  I looked into her eyes, debating with myself whether or not to tell her the real reason. I knew she’d never understand if I didn’t explain. I’d wanted to tell her since before the quarantine, but hadn’t been sure if I could trust her. So much had changed in three short weeks. We were in a different life. Alec squirmed next to me, so I said, “I have something else to tell you, but you’ll think I’m crazy.”

  “I already do,” she said and winked. When I didn’t respond, she said, “That was a joke.”

  “Oh, I know,” I said, and shook my head. “It’s about Johnny.”

  “What else? I’m not your father confessor, you know.”

  “You told me once that our friendship was lopsided because you didn’t know anything about me. If I tell you, that will change. It’s the final piece.”

  Alec rubbed her forehead. “I already wish you’d kept your little escapades to yourself. I’ll have to ’fess up if I’m questioned.” When I nodded, she said, “But I get it about Johnny. You’ve always wanted a child. He fills that desire, that void, right?”

  I raised my eyes to hers and said, “It’s more.”

  “It can’t be worse than what you just told me. I’m still here.”

  She was right. I’d worried a
bout revealing my past and breaking quarantine to her, but it hadn’t fazed her. With nothing to lose, I said, “It’s not worse. It’s different. I want to ask you a question first. Do you believe there’s more to life than this?” I made a wide sweep with my arm toward the parking lot.

  “Random question. What’s wrong with you tonight?”

  I laughed at her confusion. “Just answer.”

  She pulled her sweater sleeves over her hands and squinted while she considered what to say. “I wouldn’t call myself spiritual. Our family went to church every Sunday when I was growing up, but it was mostly for show. You know, the family pew and all. For me, it was just something we did. I haven’t gone to church much since I left home. It gives Mother another reason to be disappointed in me,” she said and rolled her eyes. “I suppose I believe in a god of some kind. Life’s got to have some purpose, right? I hope there’s more than this.” She waved her arm like I had. “I don’t pretend to have the first clue what it is.”

  “I went to church when I was growing up too, but it held deep meaning for me. Before Pop went to prison, the church was my safe place. He never went to church with us, so I was free for a few hours. It was more than that though. I loved the idea of a Lord on a cloud, watching out for me. I thought of him more like a magic prince who would sweep in to save me someday. Maybe he did, through Andrew.”

  I closed my eyes as the only happy memories from my childhood washed over me. I recalled sitting on the pew in my pretty dresses, swinging legs too short to reach the floor. I remembered the Bible stories in Sunday school. I loved them. They taught me there was good in the world, somewhere.

  I sighed and said, “Danny beat those hopes and dreams out of me. After I left him, all I believed in was the here and now. Andrew tried hard to renew my faith. He failed. All I knew was that pain and disappointment lay down that road.”

  “Where’s this going, Grace? What’s it got to do with Johnny?”