Arms of Grace

by Eleanor Chance

  I felt sorry for my poor baby with all those leads stuck to him, even though he’d had many EEGs by that point. I should have been used to it. I comforted myself knowing that Jay would gather valuable data as a result.

  “Is Dr. Morgan looking for something in particular?” I asked.

  “You’ll have to ask him, ma’am.”

  “Okay, thanks. I’ll do that when he comes in.”

  “He was already in. You just missed him,” she said and left.

  I wanted to see if Jay would act differently toward me after our conversation in my apartment. I was disappointed that I’d have to wait to find out. I began my daily routine of massaging Johnny’s legs and arms hoping Jay would come back in that day. He didn’t.

  I didn’t see him the next day or the one after that either, even though I’d gone to the hospital earlier that morning to catch him. I could see from Johnny’s chart that Jay had been there. I began to think he was deliberately avoiding me. I unloaded my feelings on Johnny since I didn’t have anyone else to talk to. At least he couldn’t interrupt or contradict me like Alec would have. I decided that Jay must like to keep people guessing. It dulled my attraction to him slightly. I hated games.

  When I hadn’t seen or heard from Jay by Friday afternoon, I came to the conclusion that he only invited me to the play on an impulse and later regretted it. I spent the day in Johnny’s room and was packing to go to the cafeteria when Jay finally came in.

  “There you are,” he said as if I’d been hiding from him.

  “I’m always here,” I said, not hiding my irritation. Where else would I have been but in Johnny’s room?

  “Not always. I’ve been missing you all week. I thought you were trying to avoid me,” he said and winked.

  I wondered what kind of game he was playing and wondered if avoiding him might be a good idea. “No. I thought the same about you,” I said. “We must have bad timing. Are we still on for the play tomorrow?” I wanted to make him squirm or see if he’d try to get out of our date.

  “Of course,” he said without hesitation. “You haven’t changed your mind, have you?”

  “No, but I haven’t heard from you since Tuesday. You haven’t even given me the details yet,” I said, keeping myself guarded.

  “You’re right. I’ve had a killer week, but that’s no excuse. I’m not making a very good impression, am I?” When I shrugged, he said, “Can we start again?”

  He flashed his melted-chocolate smile, and my caution melted too. I’d been too quick to judge him. “No need,” I said and smiled back. I put my tote bag down and sat in the rocking chair. “Just because I’m sitting around doing nothing doesn’t mean you are too. I have too much time to think, and I’m not used to that. I rarely have a free minute at home. I understand the demands on your time.” I realized that I was rambling and stopped talking.

  Jay smiled. “That doesn’t mean I should ignore you. The play starts at seven. Can I pick you up at five?”

  “My only other plans are sitting here with Johnny, so five is fine.”

  “Thanks for understanding,” he said. “I promise not to neglect you again.”

  He walked to Johnny’s bed and took out his penlight. He lifted each of Johnny’s eyelids and shined the light on his pupils. “Hmm,” he said. Next, he ran his finger along Johnny’s palm. Nothing happened. He tried again. Same result.

  I felt a twinge of panic. I got up and went to Jay’s side. “Let me try,” I said. I placed my index finger on Johnny’s palm, and he squeezed. I breathed a sigh of relief and gently pulled my finger free. I turned to Jay and said, “Try again.”

  Jay imitated what I’d done, but Johnny didn’t grab on. “You do it now,” he said.

  I repeated what I’d done the first time, and Johnny closed his fingers around mine. “Jay, what’s happening? Could he possibly know it’s me?”

  “No,” Jay said. Without another word, he stepped out of the room. He came back ten seconds later with a research nurse named Alice in tow. “Brush your finger across his palm,” Jay said.

  She looked at him like she hadn’t heard right. “Go ahead,” he said, nodding.

  Alice brushed Johnny’s palm just as we’d done. Johnny’s hand twitched, but he didn’t squeeze her finger. She started to lift her hand, but Jay told her to wait. She waited for ten seconds, and then glanced at Jay. He nodded again, and she lifted her hand up.

  “Try again, Grace,” Jay said.

  When I touched Johnny’s palm, he grabbed my finger.

  Jay stepped back and said, “That’s not possible. It’s got to be a coincidence, a fluke.”

  “He knows it’s me, Jay. Can’t it be possible?”

  “No, it can’t. It’s a reflex action. That’s no such thing as a selective reflex.”

  “Do you still need me?” Alice asked.

  I’d forgotten she was there. I think our exchange made her uncomfortable. Jay cocked his head toward the door, and she left, clearly relieved to get away.

  “Maybe on a deep subconscious level, he recognizes my touch,” I said, irritated at Jay’s inability to admit it wasn’t a coincidence.

  “I’ve never come across or even heard of such a thing, at least not at his level of vegetative state. I have to look into it but don’t get your hopes up, Grace. His other responses don’t support his being able to distinguish who’s touching his hand. He shouldn’t be able to squeeze your hand at all.” As if to emphasize his point, he touched Johnny’s palm again, and nothing.

  “Johnny’s responded to me that way since his first day in my hospital. None of us thought he’d survive for a week, let alone months. He shouldn’t still be alive. There’s something unique happening here.” I let Johnny grasp my finger again. I knew the truth. Johnny knew exactly who I was.

  Jay studied me for several seconds before smiling. “He’s not the only one who’s unique. I think we’re on the verge of an adventure, Grace. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  He walked out and left me staring after him again. “Definitely going to keep me guessing,” I said to Johnny and then gave my sweet boy a kiss on the cheek.

  Except for a change to khakis, I wore the same outfit as I had for my lunch with Jay. I made a mental note to go clothes shopping the next day, so I’d be prepared for any future dates. He arrived at a little after five wearing khakis and a polo shirt. He even made ordinary clothes look amazing. I wondered again how he could be interested in me.

  We had dinner at a Greek restaurant. I’d never eaten Greek food and hoped I’d like it. Jay ordered Greek salad, dolmades, lamb souvlaki, and pita bread with tzatziki sauce for both of us. After a few bites, I told him Greek food was my new favorite.

  “I never thought I’d like anything better than Italian food,” I said.

  “You should go to the Mediterranean,” he said. “You’d be in heaven.”

  The thought of my taking a trip like that made me laugh. I’d never even been out of the United States, not even to Canada. Other than Nebraska and my crisis trip from Des Moines to Richmond, I’d only been to a few other nearby cities for conferences. To prevent Jay from discovering how boring I was, I asked him how many countries he’d visited.

  “Too many to count. I’ve been to every continent except Antarctica, but I plan to get there in the next year or so,” he said.

  “That sounds like the last place I’d want to go. I’m always cold. Just thinking about going there makes me shiver.” I wrapped my arms around myself.

  “It’s all about having the right clothes and equipment. I learned that when I went to Greenland to see the northern lights. I stayed warm the whole time. It was spectacular, by the way.”

  He was matter-of-fact when he said it. He wasn’t trying to impress me but was only making a point. I felt the need to impress him, though. I was like a poor country cousin compared to him. I took advantage of the opening he gave me and said, “I didn’t know people took trips to Greenland, but I’ve seen the northern lights too, in Iowa. Not very exot
ic, but I’ll never forget it.”

  “Neither will I. See, there’s something we share,” he said. He kept watching me but didn’t say anything else.

  To keep the conversation going, I said, “At least we have one thing in common.”

  “How do we know what we have in common? I know next to nothing about you. I’m looking forward to the discovery.”

  I glanced at my watch to deflect him again. “We’d better get going to make the play on time,” I said.

  “Why do you always change the subject when it gets personal?”

  “I told you the other day, it makes me uncomfortable. I’m used to keeping people at arm’s length,” I said.

  “Why?” he said. He was like a dog with a bone.

  “Long story and we do have to get to the play.” I pointed to my watch.

  “Fine, I’ll let it go for now, but I hope you’ll trust me enough to open up at some point.”

  Alec had said those very words to me once. Opening up to her had been worth it. I hoped it would be with Jay too. “Give it time. You’ll know when I’m ready.” I stood to go.

  “Off to the adventure, then.” He placed my hand in the crook of his arm.

  Jay kept his arm around my chair during the play but was careful not to touch my shoulders. I was grateful that he’d gotten the message at dinner and respected my boundaries. I loved feeling him close, but I was in foreign territory and wanted to ease into it.

  I enjoyed the play. Jay’s niece was a talented actor. He took me backstage afterward to meet her.

  “Bravo, Melissa,” he said and kissed her cheek. “You were brilliant.” He turned to me and said, “This is my friend Grace.”

  Melissa gave him a questioning look. She clearly wasn’t used to seeing her uncle out with someone like me. She shook my hand and said, “It’s nice to meet you. How do you two know each other?”

  “Grace is here from Richmond assisting in one of my research studies. She has an interesting story,” Jay said.

  “She doesn’t want to hear about that,” I said. “You did a wonderful job. I was impressed.”

  “I hope the critics agree,” Melissa said. “I’m moving to New York after I finish school in the spring. I’ll need some good reviews for my résumé.”

  “I’m sure they loved it too,” I said.

  “I agree, but we’ll let you get back to your cast celebration now. See you soon.” Jay kissed her cheek again.

  Melissa waved good-bye as she ran back to join the other actors. Jay led me out through the stage door. As we walked to the car, he said, “They’ll eat her alive in New York. My sister shelters her.”

  “She’s young and confident. I can’t imagine wanting to get into such a cutthroat career, but she seems to know what she’s doing,” I said. “She has the talent. I’m sure she’ll be fine.”

  “I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be young and feel like you’ll conquer the world. Remember what that was like?”

  I smiled and looked at the ground as we walked. I had different memories. By the time I was Melissa’s age, I’d been through hell and was on my way to Richmond. I was glad she was living life the way it was meant to be lived.

  We were quiet as Jay drove me home. I had a much better time than I’d expected but wasn’t sure what came next. After the incident with Johnny the previous day and my refusal to open up, I was afraid Jay was done with me. While he walked me to the door, I said, “I enjoyed this. Thanks for inviting me.”

  “My pleasure,” he said. “Can I see you again? Are you free next Friday?”

  “Since you and Johnny are the only people I know in Baltimore, I’d have to say yes.”

  “Did you happen to bring any evening wear?” he asked.

  I gave a small laugh and said, “I’m not even sure what evening wear is. Why?”

  He leaned closer to me. “I have tickets to the Baltimore Symphony, and I’d like to take you. There’s a guest conductor I’ve wanted to see.”

  “You don’t have a date?” I asked.

  “Good question.” He laughed. “I guilted one of my daughters into going with me, but I know she’d rather not.”

  “In that case, I can pick up something to wear. I’d love to go,” I said and smiled.

  “Good, it’s settled then. I’ll see you Monday,” he said and kissed my cheek before turning to leave.

  I touched the spot he’d kissed with the back of my hand. Keep ’em guessing, I thought as I went inside.

  The following week was uneventful, but I felt like a character from a fairy tale while I dressed for my date with Jay on Friday night. I’d gone to a boutique and asked the salesclerk to help me pick out an appropriate outfit. She chose a little black dress that cost five times what I’d ever spent on clothing, but it looked great on me, so I bought it. I found a pair of shoes with heels just high enough that I wouldn’t fall and break my neck but would make me a little taller for Jay. I got my hair done and had a manicure. When I was ready, I admired myself in the bathroom mirror and decided I didn’t look half-bad. I hoped Jay would agree.

  He arrived in a tailored Italian suit. I nearly fainted at the sight of him. I sneaked glances at him from the corner of my eye through the entire concert and tried to imagine what he looked like under that gorgeous suit. At one point, he whispered a comment about the conductor. I quivered at the warmth of his breath on my neck. For the first time in my life, I understood what infatuation meant and why it made people crazy. It was unsettling and exhilarating at the same time.

  We went to a French restaurant after the concert. In true Jay style, he ordered just the right dishes for our five-course dinner. He finished before me and watched while I ate my dessert. His scrutiny made me uneasy.

  “Why are you staring at me? Do I have food on my face?” I asked.

  “No, I’m just admiring the view.” He took my hand and held it in both of his. He had long, slender fingers, but his hands were strong and warm.

  Surgeon’s hands, I thought.

  “You aren’t like anyone I’ve ever known. The women I meet are superficial and self-absorbed. You’re genuine and honest. You have no idea how attractive you are. That’s your charm. You’re smart too. It’s a rare combination.”

  “I’m glad it’s kind of dark in here so you can’t see me blushing,” I said and held my napkin up to my face.

  Jay laughed. “See? You’re proving my point. You look stunning tonight.”

  “Well, thank you. That’s kind of you to say.”

  “It’s honest of me to say.”

  I smiled and took another bite of dessert to stop the conversation.

  Jay paid the bill as soon as I finished and hurried me to the car. I invited him in when we got to my apartment. We sat on the sofa and talked for an hour before I started to yawn.

  “I’m keeping you up,” Jay said. “You’ve had a long day. I should go.”

  “I don’t want you to think that you’re boring me. I’m having a wonderful time. I’m just not used to staying up so late.”

  Jay stood and led me to the doorway. He pulled me close and kissed me without hesitation. “I’ll see you in the morning,” he said, brushing his lips on my neck.

  “Yes, the morning,” I said, slurring my words. I closed the door behind him and leaned against it for support. I’m in big trouble, I thought.

  The weeks that followed passed in a dream. I spent my days caring for Johnny with Jay and my nights in Jay’s arms. He regaled me with stories of his adventures traveling the world. He took me to expensive restaurants, plays, and art exhibits. He introduced me into Baltimore society, exposing me to a world I’d hardly known existed. I kept bugging Alec for advice on how to navigate my new environment. She warned me to be on my guard and not get taken in. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was too late for that. I’d never imagined that a man like Jay could want me, especially when he could have the pick of any woman he knew. Emotion overcame reason, and I found myself falling in love.

  Jay
saw his daughters on a regular basis, and after about a month, he introduced them to me. They were charming and confident like their father. They seemed to take the fact that their father was seeing me in stride, and I wondered how many other women he’d introduced them to. I worked up the courage to ask one of his nurses if a relationship like ours were typical for Jay. She told me that even though he had frequent relationships, they didn’t usually last long. She’d never seen him in a relationship like ours. I chose to believe her, hoping that she wasn’t just being polite.

  Jay was determined to learn about me too. In his artful way, he nudged me to unfold the secrets of my past life to him, one by one. I told him about my childhood and that I’d come to terms with it years before. Like with Alec, my story didn’t scare him off. He was kind and supportive. The only truth I held back was my disastrous marriage to Danny. Jay knew I was divorced, and thought he could relate because he was too, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the traumatic details. It had all happened so long before and had nothing to do with our present relationship. I figured it wouldn’t matter anyway. Jay Morgan would forget I existed the minute I left for Richmond.

  The only clouds that marred that time for me were Jay’s refusal to discuss my future with Johnny and rare instances of behavior that disturbed me. He was always kind and respectful with me, but a few times I’d caught him treating the staff in ways that I thought were harsh or dismissive. I mentioned it once, but he just laughed it off and said he’d try to do better.

  There were also times when I thought his manners bordered on arrogant. I rationalized that it would be difficult for a renowned neurosurgeon like Jay not to be arrogant and tried to ignore it. I convinced myself that I was just gun-shy and was being too critical. No one is perfect, I told myself.

  Jay took me to his house for the first time after we’d been seeing each other for a month. He said he was tired of my tiny, austere apartment. Being in his house had unnerved me at first. The ultramodern decor wasn’t my favorite, but it was the walls and shelves covered with proof of Jay’s accomplishments and status that intimidated me. They were glaring reminders that he was out of my league. When I pointed it out, he said, “That old junk? Just ignore it,” and brushed it aside. I did my best to pretend it wasn’t there, but it was hard to overlook.