Releasing Keanu

by Davis, Siobhan

“When we were together the last time,” I say, “I got scared as we became closer. The more we made out, the more I wanted to take things further, but I was terrified of your touch too.” His face drops, and I hate that he’s hurting, but this won’t work without complete honesty, without full disclosure. I’ve been in therapy long enough to know that. “I realize now it’s because I wasn’t ready.” I squeeze his hand. “But I am now.”

  “How can you be sure?”

  “Because I can’t keep my hands off you and I want your hands on me all the time. And yet, it’s not enough. I crave every part of you. And although I already feel so close to you, I want to feel closer. I want to feel you moving inside me. I want to feel you worshiping me completely. I want there to be no more barriers between us.” I stare deep into his eyes, wanting him to really hear this next admission. To feel it deep in his bones for the truth it is. “I want to give you my virginity.”

  He blinks, staring at me in shock and confusion. I glance at Denise, and she nods, reassuring me, silently telling me to keep going.

  “I know that might sound strange to you, but I read this article online recently. It was written by a woman named Veve Bee. She’s a child abuse pediatrician. Her words really resonated with me.” I memorized them so I could repeat them to myself whenever I need reminding that I have the power and the control over what happens to my body from now on.

  “She said, ‘Virginity is not a physical entity. It’s not something that can ever be taken from you. It’s a concept, a mental and emotional decision you make to give of yourself when you are ready, and not when someone decides to be violent with your body.’ I can send you the link. It’s a really powerful article, and it has helped me enormously.” He nods, and I know he’ll read it.

  I look at Denise, and she nods encouragingly. “Being raped is not the same as having loving, consensual sex.” I palm his face. “I’ve never had that, so this will be my first time. I want you to take my virginity. I want you to be my first.”

  I smile at him. The words breathing new life into me. I’m not lying when I say stumbling across that article helped me. Denise had been saying similar things to me over the years, but her words didn’t get through. Maybe, it was just the timing, or maybe, it was the way the author articulated her thoughts, but it hit home. Injecting me with courage and confidence.

  I’m making this decision now to give myself to my boyfriend.

  Freely without hesitation.

  Because I love him.

  I clasp both sides of his face, eyeballing the man I love with determination, hoping he hears this. Sees this. “I want you to be my first and last, Keanu. And I’m done waiting to experience that with you. I don’t want to wait anymore. I’m ready.” I caress his stubbly jawline. “If you are.”

  Tears roll down his face as he pulls me into his arms, hugging me.

  It’s a significant moment in our relationship.

  A definite turning point.

  I feel the air changing around us.

  The dynamic shifting.

  My future coming into focus.

  He eases back, staring into my face. “I wish I could explain how full my heart is right now.”

  “You don’t need to explain,” I reply, placing my hand over his heart. “I already feel it.”

  “You know I want this with you,” he adds. “And I want it to be perfect.”

  “It will be,” I reassure him. “Because I’ll be with you.”

  “I need you to guide me. To tell me what feels good. What feels uncomfortable. And if you want to stop, at any time, you just say the words, and we will. You are in control, Selena. Always.”

  Happy tears prick my eyes. “I’ve always felt safe with you, Keanu. And I promise I’ll tell you if I don’t like something, or I have a flashback, or I want you to stop.”

  His Adam’s apple bobs in his throat. “Is there anything specifically you don’t want me to do?”

  “I’m not sure about anal. We’ll need to work our way up to that.”

  “Jesus, Sel.” He runs his fingers through his hair. “That’s not… I would never expect that of any woman.” His cheeks flush. “And that’s not something I’ve done.”

  I can’t contain my grin. “I like that I’ll be the first.” If I can get to that point, because that may be a hard limit for me.

  “Is there anything else?”

  “Just don’t be rough or aggressive, and I don’t want to be tied up.”

  “I would never be rough with you. I only ever want to treat you with the softest touch. To cherish your body as you deserve.”

  “Okay, then.” This has actually gone better than I expected. I’m smiling as I turn to face Denise.

  “I’m very proud of you both,” she says, beaming at us. “And I’m here for you. This might not be plain sailing, but just keep doing what you are doing. Talking to one another. Keeping the communication channels open.”

  “There is one other thing,” Keanu says. “Should we plan this, or should it be spontaneous?”

  “Selena.” Denise defers to me. “What do you want?”

  I look into Keanu’s eyes. “I know I said I wanted it to be normal, which implies spontaneity, but I think, for my first time, we should plan it. So I can prepare. Every step of my recovery has involved planning, and I think this should be the same so there are no surprises.”

  “I’m more than okay with that,” he agrees.

  “A lot of couples plan their first time,” Denise says. “It’s not always a spur of the moment thing. You’d be surprised.”

  Denise hugs us warmly as we leave, and I feel so much lighter stepping out of her house than I did when I first arrived.

  “You sure you’re okay with everything?” I ask him when we’re in the car en route home.

  “Absolutely.” His answering grin is wide. Reaching over the console, he takes my hand, lacing his fingers in mine. “I’m glad we did that. And I’m glad we can talk about this. I feel more relaxed trusting you’ll tell me if I’m doing something you don’t like. And I’m glad that we’re going to plan it, because I want it to be special, Sel.” His eyes well up again. “I want it to be a memory you will cherish for eternity.”

  “I already know I will, K,” I truthfully admit. “Because you’re the only man who will ever own my heart, mind, body, and soul.”

  I’m floating on a cloud the following day, and it feels fantastic to finally be making progress in my life. I have my first session with the EMDR hypnotherapist next week, and Keanu and I are going to sit down this weekend and work out the details of our first time.

  I’m excited and happy and a little distracted as I edge out of the row in the auditorium, which is why I don’t spot him loitering just inside the door of my developmental psychology class until I’m almost on top of him.

  My eyes do a double take as I stare at the man who played such a huge part in my destruction.

  Cassius.

  My stomach lurches violently, and I clamp a hand over my mouth to stop myself from throwing up.

  Clive Lawrence is dressed casually in jeans, Vans, and a college sweater, and he’s wearing a ballcap, keeping his head down low, trying to blend in.

  But his gaze is zeroed in on mine. His dark eyes are glinting with righteous indignation. The wicked gleam promising all types of punishment. A knowing sneer pulls up the corners of his mouth as he pushes off the wall.

  Panic consumes me, and my stomach heaves again. I clamp my lips shut as my feet root to the floor. All the blood drains from my face as his lips kick up higher and his eyes trail the length of my body.

  My classmates push past me, laughing and gossiping as they stream through the doors, oblivious to the monster in their midst.

  The crowd surges toward the exit, and my brain reengages.

  I can’t be left alone in here with him! There is safety in numbers, and I need to move!

  My limbs are jittery as I force them into action, walking up the steps and trying to finagle my way
into the middle of the crowd where I’m less vulnerable.

  But he predicts my response, moving quickly along the side, sliding past bodies to intercept me. His arm juts forward, and he grabs hold of my wrist. I open my mouth to scream when he presses the muzzle of a gun into my side. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” he warns, close to my ear.

  “Let me go.” I attempt to wrest my arm out of his solid grip. My skin is crawling at the feel of his fingers around the bare skin of my wrist, and nausea lodges in the back of my throat.

  “Never.” His fingernails dig into my sensitive flesh, and I swallow my cry of pain.

  His dark chuckle sends shivers down my spine as he forces me up the last few steps, discreetly pushing the gun into my lower back. The crowd is his shield as he leads me to an inevitable fate. None of them is paying us any attention, so I can’t even attempt to silently communicate a plea for help. He’s almost flush with my body at the back, and the feel of him up against me sends me into a tailspin. My body is on instant high alert. Fear and nausea taking control. My breathing becomes labored, and blood rushes to my head, making me dizzy.

  I try to calm down, but I’m so fucking scared, and my heart won’t stop thumping loudly in my chest.

  “Did you miss me, whore, because I sure missed you.” His warm breath skates over my ear, and a whimper flees my mouth. Every muscle in my body is on lockdown, and if he wasn’t pushing me forward, I doubt I’d be able to put one foot in front of the other.

  “You won’t get away with this,” I say, hating how my voice cracks. I’m barely caging my hysteria, and I hate that he most likely knows it.

  I just need to get him outside to the main lobby where my bodyguards are waiting.

  Inhaling and exhaling deeply, I force myself to calm down as I quicken my pace, praying I can keep my panic at bay for another couple minutes. I just need to stay within the safety of the crowd and lead him to the lobby, and then my bodyguards will do their job.

  If he gets me alone, all bets are off, so I need to stay the course.

  He prods the gun into my back. “You’re mine,” he whispers in my ear, and another whimper flies out of my mouth before I can stop it. Adrenaline stampedes through my body, and I’m trembling all over. “I own you,” he adds. “And you’re going to fucking pay for running away from me. Even if it’s the last thing I do.”

  25

  Keanu

  “They’re here,” Kent says, pointing at the camera which shows the exterior view of the building.

  I race out of the room, out of our condo, forgoing the elevator and taking the stairs two at a time as I rush to get outside.

  A black FBI SUV pulls up to the curb behind the bodyguards’ car just as my foot hits the sidewalk. Ignoring the FBI, I dash to the open rear door of the other car. “Get out of my way,” I snap, shoving Ray—the older of the two bodyguards tasked with keeping Selena safe—out of the way. He’s crouched down in front of the back seat, so he falls back on his butt when I barrel past him.

  But I have zero fucks to give.

  I’m paying these assholes to protect her, so how the fuck did Lawrence get anywhere near her?

  I want to tear through them for placing her in harm’s way, but I need to focus on my love, because she’s the priority, and right now, she needs me. Selena is curled into a ball on the back seat with her fingers clasped around her necklace, rocking back and forth, in obvious pain.

  I glare at Ray and Paul. “You’re both fired,” I snap.

  “Keanu.” Kev appears behind me. “Let’s not be hasty until we know what happened.”

  “He approached her in the auditorium,” Paul says. “And our agreement was to wait outside for Selena. We didn’t know, man.”

  Ignoring all of them, I climb into the back seat, shoving my frame into the space between the front and back seats. “Selena. Baby. It’s Keanu. I’m here.” It kills me to see her like this. She hasn’t had an anxiety attack in weeks, and this has set her progress back.

  I remove the vial of lavender oil from my pocket.

  “We tried to do that,” Ray says, sounding remorseful. “But she wouldn’t let us touch her.”

  “No shit, Sherlock.” I glare at them over my shoulder as I edge closer to Selena’s face. She’s staring vacantly into space with a glazed look in her eyes. “Sel, I’m going to touch your wrist, okay?”

  Her eyes flit to mine for a brief second. A flare of recognition lighting and extinguishing almost as fast. I dab the oil on the inside of her wrist, rubbing it in before bringing it to her nose. “Inhale, sweetheart.” She breathes in and out. “That’s it. Long, deep breaths.” I perch on the edge of the seat, lifting her up a little as her posture relaxes. When she leans into me, circling her arms around my back, pressing her face into my chest and holding on to me for dear life, I close my eyes, thanking God for looking after her today.

  I won’t ever forget getting that phone call from Ray. Or the terror that pierced my heart when he told me how close I came to losing her again.

  I am not leaving her side for a single second.

  Not until that bastard is behind bars or festering ten feet under.

  “We need to get you inside,” I say after a few minutes. The FBI agents on the sidewalk are drawing attention, and some of our neighbors have come out to find out what’s going on.

  She nods, clasping my hand and letting me help her out of the car. I tuck her in to my side, pushing her head down so the nosy onlookers don’t frighten her, and guide her inside the building and up to the condo.

  I grab a blanket off the back of the couch before sitting down with Selena in my lap. Then, I cover us both as Keven, Agent Cunningham, and another guy I don’t know come into the apartment, followed by the two bodyguards.

  Keven closes and locks the front door as Kent approaches us, handing me a mug. Minty steam rises from the top of the drink. “It’s peppermint tea,” he confirms, crouching down in front of us, looking at my girlfriend with clear concern. “You like that, right, Selena? It helps calm you down.” I don’t know when she told him that, but I’m grateful he remembered.

  “Thanks, bro.”

  “Thank you,” Selena whispers, reaching out to touch Kent’s hand.

  Kent sits on the arm of the couch, pinning me with troubled eyes. He’s come to care about her, and he doesn’t like seeing her like this.

  I know, man. I feel it too.

  “What happened?” I ask in a clipped tone. Although my question was meant for the two idiots charged with protecting the love of my life, Selena is the one who answers.

  “He was in my class, K.” Her hands cradle the mug. “I didn’t see him until the very end, and by then, it was too late. I couldn’t avoid him.”

  “How the hell did he get in there without anyone seeing?” I direct my question to the three men in the room who are all supposed to have eyes on my girl.

  The dark-haired FBI agent, who looks kinda familiar, clears his throat. “I’m Colin. I’m the FBI agent assigned to Selena,” he says.

  “Awesome fucking job, dude,” Kent says, sneering.

  Colin sends Kent a pointed look before returning his gaze to me. “Lawrence arranged a meeting with the head of the psychology department. Said he was looking for a consultant to work on his new show and he thought one of the professors might be able to help. He used that as an excuse to gain access to the building. He took the internal staff stairway to get into the auditorium. It bypasses the main hallway and lobby where we were waiting for Selena.”

  “I thought an agent was watching Lawrence too?” My gaze flits to my brothers.

  “There is an agent assigned to him, but Lawrence came out a back entrance in a different car with tinted windows.”

  “How did he know Selena was there?” I ask.

  Kev folds his arms across his chest. “We don’t know. There was nothing in any of his calls or emails to indicate he’s been looking for her or that he’d found her. Most likely, it was the billboards.”
/>   A week ago, a host of billboards featuring Selena and Stephen as the new faces of Miranda Fanning’s label went up around Boston.

  “Or he somehow found out from registration records for the show,” he adds.

  Sinead sits down beside us. “What did he do, Selena? Did he say anything?”

  She pushes hair out of her face, biting on the corner of her lip for a few beats before she tells us how it went down. I hold her tighter as she talks, feeling so helpless, hating the vulnerability in her voice. “If the department head hadn’t shown up, he would’ve gotten me out of there the same way he came in.” She glances at me. “It was pure luck that he arrived, and he was surprised to see Lawrence there.”

  “Please tell me he saw him holding you at gunpoint?” I ask.

  “Cassius is a sly bastard. He slipped it back in his jacket superfast. I thought of saying something to the department head, but I just wanted to get away from that monster, and I wasn’t convinced he wouldn’t take the gun out and shoot the guy.”

  “You made the right call,” Sinead says.

  “And we’re going to bring the college into our confidence now,” Keven says. “To ensure that man isn’t allowed back on the campus, or anywhere near you.”

  “It won’t matter,” Selena says. “He knows I’m in Boston now. He’ll track me down.”

  “Not if you’re out of the country,” I say, voicing the thoughts that have been going through my mind the past hour.

  Selena pins her gaze on me. “What do you mean?”

  “I think we should go overseas. We can both keep up with classes and assignments online. Neither of us have any important shoots coming up. We can make this happen.” I eyeball the FBI agents in the room. “Selena won’t be able to relax in Boston after this. She was already on edge, and now, it’ll be ten million times worse. We all know she can’t report this. It will be his word against hers, and although the department head saw him with her today, she didn’t tell him it was against her will, and he didn’t see the gun. Lawrence will just bullshit his way out of it.”

  “I’m not sure taking Selena out of our jurisdiction is the best way to keep her safe,” Colin interjects.