Chutes and Ladder

by Marc Jedel

  “Marty, go, go, go,” Meghan implored me urgently.

  I did what I was told.

  I jumped off the roof into the pool.

  When I surfaced, I spit out the stale, disgusting water that I’d swallowed and swept aside the wet leaves in front of my face. At least the deep end of the pool had been closest to that bedroom. Looking up, I saw Meghan still standing on the roof with her hands held up and out to her sides. Her face reflected a mixture of dismay and respect for my death-defying act, although her expression could have simply been utter amazement.

  Then she carefully climbed down the fire escape rope ladder that she had unfurled against the house.

  As I climbed out of the cold pool, she gave a hard flip of her wrists and the rope ladder detached from the window and fell to the ground.

  Together, we hurried to the back of the yard, using an old tree stump to climb over the fence. The last thing we wanted to do was try to get back around the side of the house before the ninja could beat us to the front door.

  Water streamed off me as I straddled the fence, my teeth chattering and my getaway far less graceful than Meghan’s. As I scrambled over the fence, I looked back at Larry’s house.

  Standing in the open window with hands on hips, the ninja stared at me.

  Worried about ninja poison darts or throwing stars, I didn’t bother climbing down as I dropped to the safety of the backyard neighbor’s house. Although I fell to my hands and knees, we’d escaped death.

  This time.

  But that all-black apparition did not look happy.

  16

  Saturday Evening

  “Marty, hurry,” said Meghan from halfway across the yard as she ran toward the street.

  And I ran.

  I ran so far away.

  I just ran … because baby, we were born to run.

  We stopped running three blocks away. Although Meghan didn’t seem affected by our near-marathon, I had no endurance.

  As I stood puffing, with my hands on my knees, Meghan asked, “So, now will you go to the gym with me?”

  Resistance was futile. I’d always wanted to work a famous Star Trek line into normal conversation, but this didn’t seem like the right moment, so I nodded instead, still too winded to speak anyway. I pulled out my phone and requested a Rover, then handed the phone to Meghan to put in her bag. Leaving it sitting in my soaking wet jeans would only tempt fate. My phone was supposed to be waterproof, but not all engineers were as good as me.

  “You jumped off the roof so we’d get down faster? That was pretty brave. Really stupid and dangerous, but brave.” Meghan kissed my cheek, bending at the waist to avoid getting wet.

  I decided not to tell her that I hadn’t noticed the escape ladder until after I had jumped. While I had been panicking in the bedroom looking for a ninjatō sword to fight off the ninja, she had located a fire escape ladder, opened the stuck window, attached the ladder to the window frame, and climbed out onto the ledge. Ninjas had a way of nullifying my powers of observation.

  “I never knew you could detach escape ladders from below. How’d you know so much about them?” I asked her as we waited in the shadows near a darkened house. No sense making us easy for a ninja to spot.

  Meghan snorted. “I don’t think you’re supposed to be able to do that, but you’ve heard some of the stories about my brothers. Growing up, I learned a whole range of useful, and perhaps not mainstream, skills.” Her eyes glinted in the dark.

  I resolved to avoid meeting her brothers for as long as possible. I tried calling Mace from the Rover car, but he didn’t answer. Hopefully he was merely busy and not blocking my calls. To stay on the safe side, I left him a two-word voicemail: “Call me.” Even I couldn’t screw up that message.

  When we knocked on Laney’s door, Megan, my niece, opened it holding an empty candy wrapper. Before she could speak, we slid inside, then I turned around and bolted the door. No ninjas were going to waltz in Laney’s front door without an effort.

  Megan finished chewing and said, “Hi, Uncle Marty. Meghan. Betcha can’t guess what I am?”

  Her habit of betting on everything was getting expensive for me. If I lost a bet, I had to pay her a dollar. Even if I won, I didn’t seem to come out ahead. Similar to Las Vegas odds. I took a closer look at her. This was an easy bet, so I took the gamble. “You’re a shark. Gray felt costume with a pointy head and tail. Wait, I’ll bet you’re the San Jose Sharks mascot. What’s his name? Oh yeah, Sharkie.” I started to put out my hand for a high five.

  “Uncle Marty.” Megan’s face dropped as she fought back tears.

  Then I noticed the white horn coming out of her hood and made a rapid adjustment. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t see the horn. Of course, you’re a unicorn.” I extended my hand all the way. I’d crushed this bet.

  “I’m a narwhal.” She stomped her foot before rushing off down the hallway, trying not to cry in front of us.

  “Well done, Uncle Marty,” commented Meghan with a half-smile and a single raised eyebrow.

  The ninja episode must have rattled me more than I thought. It was unlike me to miss a detail, especially something like a horn.

  “She’s a tough one,” Meghan added in a soft voice. “Let me go put on my costume in the bathroom while you take your foot out of the narwhal’s mouth.”

  Perhaps I should explain to my niece that the unicorn guess wasn’t so far off the mark since narwhals were sometimes called “the unicorn of the sea.” Was this the right moment for an Uncle Marty lecture? I considered my options as I walked to her room.

  Before I reached it, Laney hobbled out of Skye’s bedroom, her foot still in the soft cast. “You’re late. And Sam’s late. Is it too much to ask that you be on time for Halloween? It’s one night a year.” She took stock of my appearance. “And why are you dripping all over my floor? Why would you go swimming now? And no costume? Here.” She handed me a towel from the nearby dryer. “You can go trick-or-treating as a wet blanket.”

  This wasn’t my first time being around a stressed-out Laney, so I knew enough not to react. “I’ll take a quick shower and then Meghan and I can take the girls out.”

  “Fine. I’m taking them down the block first.” She pointed an emphatic finger at me. “I’ve always taken them trick-or-treating, and this … this isn’t going to stop me tonight.” She hobbled to her bedroom to get me some of her late husband’s old sweats. She must have kept some of his stuff around as a reminder. Plus, you never knew when old sweats would come in handy.

  Skye stepped into the hallway from her room and gave me a small wave.

  I smiled when I saw her costume—a Hawaiian shirt and shorts with a small purse at her waist. “Hi, Skye. I like your engineer’s costume. Was that inspired by me?” I felt proud that in only a few months, I’d had such a big impact on her life.

  She rolled her eyes and sighed. “I’m a tourist. This is a fanny pack.” She flipped her hair in disgust and turned her back on me. Then, closing her bedroom door with a backward fling of her hand, she left me standing alone in the hall. Rather than trying again with Megan and extending my losing streak, I walked back to the living room and sat down.

  A few minutes later, Megan wandered back into the kitchen without speaking to me. She slid over to the candy bowl, grabbed a few pieces, and stuffed them into her mouth. Megan was a practical girl. She saw no sense in waiting to walk around the block when candy was sitting out in her own kitchen. Megan lay down on the couch across from me and continued to ignore me while she chewed. I stepped into the kitchen and grabbed a few pieces of candy for myself.

  After only a few minutes of us chewing candy and me dripping pool water on the floor, Meghan announced her return by placing the folder I took from Larry’s house on the kitchen table and the bag with her regular clothes on the floor, then paraded into the living room, twirling to show off her costume. She had my full attention. She wore a pirate outfit—a sexy, low-cut pirate dress with a long slit up the side and long black boots
that I’d never seen before. To complete the look, she had a fake parrot sewn onto the shoulder of her dress.

  With a broad smile, I looked her in the eyes and winked. “I like your toucan.”

  “That’s a parrot, Uncle Marty,” said Megan with a disgusted scoff. “Don’t you know anything about animals? Toucans are much bigger than parrots.”

  “And not as good-looking,” I added.

  Meghan smiled back at me and then left to help Laney and Skye.

  Before taking a fast shower, I tried Mace again. I needed to talk to him about Larry and the ninja and what I’d found in the folder and my online search. No answer, and this time I didn’t leave a message. I couldn’t afford to frustrate him now. I needed his help, so I gave up and headed for the shower.

  In Megan’s bedroom, I got dressed in the old sweatpants and T-shirt from Laney while pondering my last-minute costume options. The art supplies and other items scattered around the room gave me an idea.

  When I came out of the bedroom, everyone was waiting for me in the living room.

  After taking one look at me, Laney asked, “What on earth are you supposed to be?”

  I looked down proudly at the cardboard sign hanging around my neck with “I love ceilings” written in a careful hand. I held one of Megan’s pom-poms up like a cheerleader and said, “I’m a ceiling fan.” When no one responded, I asked, “Get it? Go ceilings go! Ceiling fan …” My voice trailed off as I noticed their faces.

  Laney got to her feet. “We better get out of here, girls, before his attempts at humor make us sick.” While the girls rushed to grab their pumpkins, Laney added, “Samantha texted that she’ll be here soon. I can only make it around the block and then she’ll keep me company while you two take the girls out for a longer round.”

  Before she shut the door behind her, Laney paused, her hand on the doorknob, and glared at the dog. “Make sure Buddy doesn’t get out of the house. And watch him so he doesn’t turn on the gas on the stove. Again.” With a final frown, she headed out into the night with the girls.

  A moment later the doorbell rang. “Now what?” I asked, in perhaps not the nicest tone, as I flung open the door.

  A large crowd of young trick-or-treaters quieted by my shout stood staring at me. Understandable, as the kids were supposed to speak first, not have the adult yell at them as he opened the door.

  Meghan stepped into the breach. “Happy Halloween!”

  That soothed the crowd of youngsters, and everyone chimed, “Trick or treat.”

  We had done it in reverse order, but it sufficed. There must have been twenty kids in that first group. Meghan got busy greeting a continuing influx of costumed little ones as even more kids approached on the sidewalk.

  “Marty, we’re almost out of this batch of candy. Go get the other bag. Laney said it was in the garage.” Meghan stepped out onto the porch and pulled the door shut behind her to prevent the curious Buddy from escaping.

  I almost reminded her that she needed to wait for the kids to ring the doorbell, but after my earlier performance, I wasn’t about to instruct her on how to do Halloween right. Wondering how much candy my niece Megan had snagged already tonight, I walked through the kitchen and out into the garage to search for the next bag of candy.

  It took me a while to locate it. The warm weather must have led Laney to store the bags of candy in her garage refrigerator to keep them from melting. I ripped open a bag and did a taste test. Quality control. Then, I flipped off the garage light and stepped back into the kitchen.

  The ninja was standing at the other side of Laney’s kitchen table.

  I froze. A bag of candy wouldn’t ward off a ninja for long.

  Locked in place, I watched as the ninja used a gloved hand to withdraw a small spray can from the pocket of their black sweatshirt.

  The ninja pointed the can at me with one hand while using the other to gesture for me to hand over the folder from Larry’s house that lay on the table in front of me.

  I wasn’t surprised at the lack of speech. After all, ninjas didn’t talk. They were silent assassins. My eyes focused on the menace. Not a shooting star, poison dart, or sword—instead, the ninja was threatening me with a can of pepper spray. And not any old can, but the most famous brand ever—Mace.

  Of course.

  I had no choice. Pepper spray was supposed to be wickedly painful. And who knew what other dangerous weapons the ninja held in reserve if I survived a spraying?

  Wishing I’d taken a photo of the contents earlier, I picked up the folder, then took a tentative step closer and held out my arm to the ninja.

  A tan blur whizzed past me and launched into the air.

  Sixty pounds of speeding Buddy hit the unsuspecting ninja square in the chest.

  The ninja dropped to the ground, flattened by Buddy better than any of the 49ers’ safeties tackled their opponents.

  Finding my voice, I yelled and leapt forward. Gang-tackling ninjas did not violate any rules. The ninja was strong, but Buddy had dealt a stunning blow, and I was bigger. After a brief scramble, I knocked away the pepper spray.

  Hearing my shout through the open windows, Meghan rushed back inside the house. “Marty!” she yelled before joining the melee.

  During the struggle, the ninja ended up facedown before going limp.

  We’d disarmed a ninja!

  Keeping a wary eye out for any sudden moves, I leaned forward. With all the skills I’d picked up from years of watching cop shows and superhero movies, I kept my weight on the ninja’s back while I reached over and yanked off the mask.

  The mask came off, revealing Peri Syte, the fawning HR woman from Sirius. I shouldn’t have been so surprised.

  “Get off me already, I can’t breathe,” Peri huffed.

  Buddy returned and licked her face. He wanted to play again.

  “Gross. Let me up,” Peri demanded.

  I stayed where I was, my knees on her back. I never liked her anyway.

  While Meghan was searching the garage for something to tie up Peri, I called Mace. He answered this time. He had that superhero timing to sense when he was most needed, and victory was at hand. I told him to get over to Laney’s right away because we’d caught a ninja in her house. Then I hung up to focus on keeping pressure on a squirming Peri.

  With some nylon rope she found in the garage, Meghan tied Peri’s arms behind her back. Meghan gave the rope some extra twists to make sure our makeshift handcuffs stayed in place.

  The police must have been in the neighborhood, because they arrived with startling speed. Meghan managed to let them in the unlocked front door before they smashed it open.

  The police cars’ flashing lights flickered across the inside of the house as four officers flooded into the kitchen and took over for me.

  Before we could even start to explain what happened, two more police cars squealed to a stop outside our house, and a fire truck’s distinctive siren sounded in the distance.

  Sergeant Jackson burst into the room, moving faster than I’d ever seen him move before. “What happened? Where’s Marty? What did he do?”

  17

  Later Saturday Evening

  “Everything is okay now that you’re here,” said Meghan. “Thanks for coming so fast.” She directed her words to the veritable army of police officers in the house.

  “Good. Why don’t you sit down over here and tell me what happened?” Mace pulled two kitchen chairs to the side and gestured for Meghan to sit next to him as he took out his pen and notebook.

  I’m fine too, thank you, Sergeant. I started speaking before Meghan could answer. “She”—I pointed to Peri—“killed Larry. And tried to kill us too.”

  “I did not. You broke into Larry’s house.” Peri lifted her head. She wasn’t going down without dragging me into the mud, too. She strained against the cuffs, rubbing her arms together as she tried to free herself.

  Mace stopped the bickering with a look and commanded, “Quiet.” Even his fellow police officers h
alted what they were doing. The sergeant looked skeptical as he pointed at me. “Explain.”

  I didn’t hesitate. “After we got the search warrant, Raj and I checked Rover’s records. Larry didn’t take a Rover last Friday or Saturday, or any time in the last week. After Raj left for the airport, I expanded the search.”

  “You violated the terms of the search warrant?” Mace’s rumble turned threatening.

  I swallowed hard but stood my ground and justified my actions. At least, I hoped I did. “Well, I’d call it more of a difference in interpretation of the terms. The warrant did authorize searches for use of Rover at or near Larry Cohen’s residence.”

  Mace’s eyebrows knit together in a dangerous manner. I finished, “And I found something.” I looked around the room to check if the other officers were watching.

  Unappreciative of my dramatic pause, Mace said, “Out with it already.”

  “Last Saturday morning, a Rover car picked up someone around the corner from Larry’s house.” My search had yielded this unexpected result. Cautious of Mace’s reaction, I cut short my next dramatic pause. Those worked on all the TV cop shows, but Mace didn’t work from the standard script. He was a different kind of action hero, one beyond the Hollywood norms.

  I got back to my point before he stuck something pointy in me. “The client that Rover picked up was Peri Syte, head of HR for Sirius Innovation.” Pointing an accusatory finger toward her in triumph, I added, “She’s the ninja right there in handcuffs, and she also—”

  The front door slammed open. “That’s it! That dog is out of here,” Laney panted from the doorway, leaning on her good leg with Skye and Megan standing behind her.

  The nearest cops had started to draw their weapons and move toward her when Mace waved them off. “Ms. Tran, everything’s fine now.”