“What the hell did you jump in front of me for?” He yells. “I almost shot you!”
I’m crying so hard I can’t speak. But it doesn’t matter. Angel doesn’t believe Ezra is Leo. He’ll never believe Ezra is also my lion.
“Did … did you get it?” I stutter.
“I don’t think so.” He stands, pulling me up. “Come on. Let’s get the hell out of here.”
Angel drags me down the trail until I’m able to run the rest of the way. We reach my house quickly, but instead of going inside, we head straight for his Bronco. He opens the passenger door and almost shoves me inside.
“What are we doing?” I ask breathlessly.
“Unless I killed it, you’re gonna have one pissed off cat on your hands. Either way, I discharged my rifle. I have to file a report, and I’m not leaving you here alone while I do it.”
“I don’t want to be alone,” I whisper.
Mentally, I hurt so bad. Like someone pushed me out of an airplane, and I’m in that place just before hitting the ground, mourning my impending doom. Fury, fear, bewilderment, and a million other feelings tangle into a big ball, lodging in my center between my ribs. What if Angel hit his mark? What if he killed Ezra?
When I break down again, sobbing, Angel pulls my wet body across the parking brake, mingling his muddy jacket with my own. He looks down into my damp face and tilts my chin up to meet his eyes. “Hey,” he says softly, pushing wet hair off my cheek. “It’s all right.”
Angel drives toward La Luna, keeping an arm around me the whole time. As we near downtown, the rain picks up, pounding the windshield. I’m grateful for the mind-numbing clatter.
Just like I know Ezra is Leo, I know for sure he’s my lion. Know it in my bones the way I know how to breathe and sleep. Still, there are so many things I don’t understand. And I’m not even sure I want an explanation. I only know that Ezra terrifies me.
At the station, Angel ushers me into Torrance’s empty office. Out front, the two deputies on duty are busy at their desks—everyone else has gone home for the evening. Angel closes Torrance’s blinds, sits me down on a worn couch against the wall, and then fires up Torrance’s computer. He takes off his damp jacket, sits down at Torrance’s desk without saying a word and starts typing. Neither of us speak, but the tension in the room is palpable.
“You okay?” he finally asks, rubbing his face with both palms.
“No. But I’ll survive.”
Angel pushes back from the desk, swiveling sideways in his chair. He stands up and walks to the closet. “Let me get you something dry.”
I shuffle over and stand very close to him, wanting more than anything to feel connected to something tangible.
“Do you want a sweater?” he asks, rummaging through Torrance’s stockpile.
“Yes,” I swallow, tugging at my wet shirt. “Help me put it on?”
When I move even closer, pressing myself against him, he dips his head, searching my eyes. “We’ve had a tough run today, Ruby.”
“I …” I stutter over a sob. “I don’t want to be alone right now, Angel.”
Angel’s chin meets his chest, and I stand on my tiptoes, pulling him closer. When our lips touch, I close my eyes, but all I can see is Ezra.
After a moment, Angel puts his hands on my shoulders, moving me back. He holds me at an arm’s distance. “This isn’t what you want, Ruby.”
“Isn’t it what you want?”
His nostrils flare. “You know what I want. But you’re upset and confused. And you still love him.”
“I want to forget him.”
“It’s not that easy. And I don’t want to be your rebound guy.”
He looks stricken. More than anything, I want to set what my heart feels aside. “You know you mean more to me than that.”
Angel’s phone rings in his jacket pocket, disrupting the tension between us. He turns sideways, dropping his hands. “I should get that.”
Staring down at the brown carpet I mumble, “Saved by the bell, I guess.”
Angel walks to his jacket and fishes his phone out. “Torrance,” he mutters under his breath. He holds the phone to his ear and says, “Yeah. She’s with me. Sure,” then drops it onto the desk.
“Liddy?”
“Yeah,” he answers wistfully, “she’s looking for you. Torrance said to tell you she wants you home by twelve. And to leave a note next time you go out without telling her.”
I cover my face. “What’s wrong with this picture?”
“Too much,” he answers. “I wouldn’t know where to start.”
Angel throws me the sweater, then changes out of his damp button up. When he slides it off his toned shoulders, I turn away, hating that I notice how good he looks.
“Do you want me to drive you home now?” he asks, staring at me inquisitively.
“Don’t you have to finish that report?”
“I’ll do it later.”
I go to him when he holds out his hand. He wraps me in his arms, and I let myself melt into his body. But he’s right. Despite what I know, I still love Ezra.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper into his chest.
Angel rubs my back. “Let’s talk about it later.”
Looking up into his thoughtful eyes, I hope to God I haven’t lost him. I do love him, just not the way he wishes I could. “I didn’t mean to …”
“I’ll call the state first thing tomorrow,” he says, stopping me. “Think you can give me a statement later?”
“All right.”
“We’ll figure everything out,” he assures me. “I promise.”
I doubt we will but agree just the same. After Mom died, I gave up arguing certain things, like when people say everything will get better, and mastered the art of nodding.
“Hey.” Angel grabs my hand and squeezes. “For real.”
“Maybe I died, and this is Hell.”
“You’ve had a crap time.” He shakes his head. “I know things feel crazy now, but they won’t always. Love makes you think and do funny things. Look at me,” he chuckles softly. “I’m a prime example.”
Maybe I should address what Angel just said. But I can’t. And my guess is, he doesn’t want me to. “I don’t think it’s that easy,” I whisper.
Angel lets go of my hand and grabs his holster off the desk. “It’s not that hard.”
“Angel, I have to tell you something. You won’t believe it. But I know I’m right.”
“What?” He buckles his holster and waits for me to answer.
“I went to the library today, and I looked up Ezra’s clan, and …”
He cuts me off. “His clan?”
“His Pecos clan. His ancestors.” I let my words loose in a rush, jumbling them together. “His clan, Shiankya, it means mountain lion. And Shiankya, they were known as Watchers, Guardians of the Mountain. And there are literally hundreds of folktales about shape-shifting in Native American lore.”
“Whoa, slow down. What are you saying?”
“The lion, it’s Ezra. I know it is,” I rush out.
“Ruby, now you do sound crazy.”
“Crazier than thinking Ezra’s Leo?”
“Yes.”
“It didn’t attack me. What kind of lion just stands there over someone like that? Mountain lions are predators. They hunt for sport. Think about it. It’s not the first time it let me go—us go. That’s not normal. You said so yourself. And you don’t see a lion the way we have, as often as we have, unless it’s hunting you. And it wasn’t hunting us. Tracking maybe, but not hunting.”
Angel looks worried. He puts his hands on my shoulders, giving me one of those smiles people do when they think you’re too bonkers to notice. “Sweetheart, you need sleep. This whole Ezra/Leo/lion thing …”
“His name is Leo, for God’s sake!” I shout. “Leo. I know it’s him, Angel! He’s all three of them. You have to trust me.”
“Let’s get you home.” He kisses my forehead and turns me toward the door, grabbing bot
h our jackets on our way out of the station. I resist, but when he pushes me forward, I give in. Knowing he thinks I’m off my rocker makes me miserable. And I don’t want to make it worse. I need Angel to hear me. I need to be someone who appears sane enough to be heard.
Outside, rain falls at an angle in sleety sheets. Angel spreads his jacket a couple of inches over our heads, opens the station door, and runs, linking his arm through mine. Beside him, I keep my head down, eyes focused on the sidewalk. I run until someone calls my name, and Angel and I freeze, paralyzed.
Under the incandescent streetlight, Ezra’s eyes glow like oxidized umber. He stands near Angel’s Bronco, soaked from head to toe. Wet hair clings to his face and set jaw. He looks distraught, but most of all he is astonishingly, heartbreakingly beautiful.
Angel steps back and grasps my arm, pulling me close. “What the—”
Ezra nods, holding his hand out toward me. “I need to talk to you, Ruby.”
Thank God Angel is beside me. Trembling, I grip his arm, waiting for my legs to either give up and drop me or take off running. Angel squeezes my shoulder and steps forward, in front of me, keeping a hand over his holster. “You need to go,” he tells Ezra.
Ezra looks up at the sky, letting rain hit his face before meeting my eyes. “I’m sorry.”
Angel shakes his head incredulously. “You’re sorry?”
“I didn’t mean it—on the mountain.”
Angel flinches.
“It is him! It is you!” I yell from underneath Angel’s jacket. “They’re all you. Leo. Ezra. The mountain lion!”
“I’ll explain everything. Please, Ruby, just give me a chance.”
“Am I right?” I shout.
Ezra looks stricken. He shudders and drops his broad shoulders, slumping forward. Meeting my eyes with a look that sets the remnants of my heart on fire, he nods. “I’m so sorry. I really, truly am.”
He steps closer, and Angel un-holsters his gun.
“Put it away,” I yelp, dropping Angel’s jacket to grab his shoulder.
Angel raises his arm anyway, taking another step toward Ezra. Icy rain soaks my shirt, running in streams off the sidewalk into the gutter. It swirls around my shoes, carrying bits of thawing ice and decaying leaves back to the Pecos River.
“Put it away, Angel!” I shout, stepping beside him.
Ezra’s long black eyelashes flutter, offsetting his narrowed golden eyes. Every scar, every last bit of damage is gone. But in his own way, he looks just as heartbreaking. I step in front of Angel and face Ezra, tears mixing with the rain on my face though I really want to be strong.
“You jumped Angel,” I say accusingly. “You tried to hurt him. You … whoever that is.”
Ezra looks tortured, and angry, and most of all helpless. “I didn’t. I wouldn’t have.”
“I don’t believe you!”
“Jesus, Ruby. I was worried he might accidentally shoot you. I’m still me,” he pleads. “I’m still in love with you. I told you, if you believe anything, believe that. Just give me one minute. To explain. To make you understand.”
Angel groans. “A minute? It’ll take you a freakin‘ lifetime.” He steps up next to me and grabs my arm. “Now back the hell off!”
Ezra looks at me, pleading with his eyes. “You have every reason to hate me. If I were you, I wouldn’t understand. I probably wouldn’t even try. But you’re better than that. You know I love you. I’ll go to the ends of the Earth for you, Ruby. Do whatever it takes. Please, just listen for a minute.”
“I don’t trust you, Ezra!” Nearly wailing, I cover my mouth, smashing my hand against my lips like a muzzle.
“This wasn’t a choice. But I couldn’t tell you either. Just let me explain.”
For a moment, Ezra’s eyes catch fire. In the dark night, they spark a brilliant orange, glowing violet at the edges, burning through me like a poker. I jump back and close my own eyes, pressing at them to block the flash inside my head. When I stumble, Angel grabs me. He takes my hand and pulls me close, telling Ezra something I don’t understand.
“That’s not true!” Ezra shouts.
“You landed on top of her!”
“I was angry. I lost control. But I would never hurt anyone.”
I open my eyes, meeting his gaze straight on. “You did hurt me, Ezra. And I don’t know how to forgive you. I don’t even know how to begin to understand what’s going on.”
“Ruby …” he trails off.
“This is unreal.” Angel’s voice sounds calm, but I feel him shaking. “You almost killed her.”
“I wanted to kill you,” Ezra answers coldly. “But I didn’t.”
“Because I had a rifle!” Angel links his arm in mine. “Come on. I’m getting you the hell out of here.” He turns to Ezra. “Move and I swear on my life, I’ll shoot you.”
Ezra holds his hand out, but he doesn’t try to stop me. I walk backward, watching him watch me walk away. Lost as I am, he looks even worse. He looks heartbroken. I ache to reach out to him. But I also feel completely, irrevocably shattered inside.
Twenty-Two
Folklore
“You ready?” Angel asks, shaking my knee.
His bloodshot eyes are a giveaway. He didn’t sleep last night either.
“As I’ll ever be,” I sigh. I’m not sure how I’m going to get out of Angel’s Bronco and walk around school all day like I don’t know Ezra’s some monster.
“Should I pick you up at three?”
“No. I’m okay. I’ll walk home or take the bus.”
“What if he comes looking for you?”
I shrug before jumping out of the Bronco, presenting a much stronger Ruby than I feel inside. I asked myself the same question all night, over and over. “Then he does. I mean, I can’t hide, you know?” I squeeze his hand and open the door. “Thanks for staying with me again last night. For everything.”
Inside the school’s main building, students litter the hallways. Lockers slam, and papers rustle, and people mingle. Everything is so normal. Still dazed, I stand and stare down the hall until Racine rushes up behind me and grabs my shoulder, sending me to the ceiling.
“Gotcha,” she laughs.
“Remember,” I gasp. “If I suddenly drop, continuous pumping in counts of six.”
“Ugh, you’re not going to have a heart attack. You’re so morbid, Ruby.”
Racine starts to say something else, but Giovanni catches up with us, latching on to Racine’s arm. “How’s my girl?” He asks her, kissing her cheek before looking at me. “Hey, what’s up, Ruby?”
“Ruby was just about to tell us about her date with Angel.”
“What?” I stop short, jamming my hands against my hips. “It wasn’t. Wait, how did you know?”
“He just dropped you off, didn’t he?”
I’m about to protest again when Ashley catches up. “Ruby!” she yells. “Spill!”
Her eyes are moist and dreamy, and I instantly fear the rumor mill. “Okay …” I start slowly. “Nothing happened. A mountain lion jumped us last night. Angel took me home, and I was so freaked out, I asked him to stay.”
The three of them stop walking.
“Jesus. Are you all right?” Racine gasps.
“No. I don’t know. It was really crazy.”
“And?” Ashley demands.
“What do you mean ‘and’? And Angel shot at it after it jumped on me, and then it jumped at him, and then we went down to the station,” I say in a clipped rush.
Ashley slides her arm around my waist protectively, sticking by me all the way to class, even after Racine and Giovanni say their goodbyes. Before she leaves, she hugs me, whispering softly in my ear, “Katie told me that Chris told her that Jason called him last night and told him that you and Angel came into the station completely soaked. He said you guys holed up in Torrance’s office in the dark for a couple hours. Jason told Chris you looked pretty messy on your way out. Like … well, you know.”
“And Katie told
everyone, right?”
“I’m just warning you now because of Marta.”
I rub my forehead, trying to stave off what feels like a massive incoming headache. “Should I hide in the bathroom during lunch?”
“Do you have a reason to?”
“No.”
“Then you should tell Marta where to stick it.”
“Maybe I’ll just hide out in the bathroom,” I sigh.
“Okay. I’ll hide out with you. Me and Ray. I’ll fix your hair or something. You can tell us what happened.”
“Which bathroom?”
She picks at a nail, thinking. “North Quad. Not the bathroom. The storage room by the gym. We can eat while we talk.”
“All right,” I agree. “Lunch. North Quad.”
Like the week before, and the week before that, and probably every week since I officially started dating Ezra, people stare at me and whisper through all four periods. By lunchtime, I want to make a big sign that reads, Yes, I spent the night with Angel, and yes, my shape-shifter boyfriend ‘disappeared,’ and yes, my mother ‘fell’ off a pier last year, and tape it to my back, along with kick me for good measure. To top it off, Ezra-slash-Leo’s face is like a dirt stain that won’t come out. It haunts me throughout every period.
I keep it together until I walk into the storage room. But the minute Racine sees me, she switches into Inquisition mode, bringing it all home. I drop my backpack on the floor, and she takes off running.
“Did something happen?” she asks worriedly.
“You mean between me and Angel?”
They nod.
“No.”
“You should hear Marta. She’s telling everyone that you and Angel are an item—like a you-did-it item.”
I focus on the flecked linoleum floor, trying to shore up any tears. “He slept over because I was freaking out. Nothing happened. He slept on the couch again.”
“Again?” Ashley squawks.
Racine looks puzzled. “Why were you together in the first place?”
“I left my backpack up at the ruin on Sunday. I didn’t want to go back up alone.” My head drops into my hands, hitting my palms with an audible thwack. I suck in a few musty breaths, trying to calm down.
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