Holy Cow!

by Boze Hadleigh

  In medieval Latin the heart’s ventricles were cochleae cordis, which may have led surgeons to refer to those particular mollusks as cochleae, mispronouncing the word (which means snails) and adding an s. Most people either esteemed or reviled doctors, whose primary medical practice—and they needed practice—was bleeding people (the main cause of George Washington’s death after contracting a common cold), whether or not the patient needed it. Patients of yore had to be very patient, which might seem the origin of a “patient,” but that’s from the Latin meaning to suffer. Surgeons, unlike doctors, were mostly looked up to, and their word usage sometimes filtered through to the masses.

  So warming the cockles of one’s heart is like saying warming the hearts of one’s heart, and literally means warming the snails of one’s heart. The Latin for a snail is cochlea, the modern anatomic name of the human inner ear, with its snail-like construction.

  Apropos of snails, did you know the average Frenchperson eats about ten escargots a year?

  Sea Stars, Not Starfish

  Starfish is an obvious misnomer, and experts, even ichthyologists (who study fish), call them sea stars. They’re categorized as Echinodermata (spiny-skinned) and despite appearances are aggressive carnivores who spend most of their time trawling for food. They are deaf and don’t have eyes but do have an eyehole on each arm or leg—take your pick—which senses light. The groove beneath each (let’s say) leg is lined with hundreds of teeny tube feet that propel sea stars and are suction cups, besides. Although sea stars don’t have noses—or faces, for that matter—they’ve a good sense of smell which aids in detecting prey. Sea stars do have mouths, right under their centers. Their favorite meals include oysters, mussels, and clams, also fish and coral.

  Prying open an oyster isn’t easy for a human, but a sea star wraps its legs or arms around it and uses its tube feet to force a crack—one one-hundredth of an inch will do—at which point the sea star protrudes its stomach into the oyster shell, its digestive juices helping to digest the oyster. It may take 24 hours to fully digest its prey, at which satiated stage the sea star retracts its stomach and puts it back inside its own mouth. (No wonder they don’t dare show their non-faces.)

  Jumping the Shark

  Because it’s so relatively recent, this phrase’s origin can be attributed exactly. The website www.jumptheshark.com went online on December 24, 1997. Devoted to critiques of TV shows, it defined jumping the shark as the point “when you know that your favorite television program has reached its peak . . . from now on . . . it’s all downhill.” This subjective appraisal may be caused by a series marrying off its central character or making her pregnant, replacing an actor with another (as in Bewitched and Charlie’s Angels), killing off a character (as in soap operas galore), or too many guest stars (trying to make up for weak plots).

  In the case of Happy Days, which debuted in 1974, the come-down was a stunt. The character of Fonzie (Henry Winkler), whose popularity grew to surpass that of series star Ron Howard as Richie Cunningham, went waterskiing in trunks and his signature leather jacket and . . . jumped over a shark. That outlandish episode caused many viewers to henceforth take the show even less seriously.

  On the other hand, that episode aired in 1977 and Happy Days continued for another seven years. Site founder Jon Hein credited his roommate with coining the expression, which now applies not only to TV shows, but anything or anyone in public life, including politicians.

  Loan Shark

  This bit of US slang dates back to the 1860s but was commonly known by the early 1900s as a modern term for usurer—usury was outlawed in 1917. Of course many or most loan sharks operated, and still do, outside the law. Professor Rosemarie Ostler notes that “Along with the bears and bulls of the stock market, the loan shark was a force to be reckoned with. Like many business titans, he would do whatever it took to make a profit.” Three reasons for the term: a) both types of shark are predatory, b) the tighter and tighter circles both types make around their prey, and c) as a shark’s bite is often lethal, so the revenge of the human type that isn’t repaid.

  Through the 1950s and into the ’70s, many TV programs wouldn’t allow a character to say “loan shark” lest it offend savings-and-loan advertisers.

  Shark. . .

  Though shark itself is of unknown origin, phrases derived from it are clear and mostly negative. A human shark is someone who swindles others, usually in specific fields, for example, a pool shark or card shark. In Britain shark practice (sometimes sharp practice) means dishonesty in business or gambling.

  A shark is also a grayish brown moth.

  Sharkskin is a once-fashionable, somewhat shiny, rather stiff fabric. One devotee of sharkskin suits was singer Bobby Darin, whose hit “Mack the Knife” starts, “Oh, the shark has pretty teeth, dear. . . .”

  To “miss the sharks while netting the minnows” translates to succeeding at little things while failing in bigger ones.

  Swimming with sharks, typically in a business context, is something that—as the movie of the same name confirms—not everyone survives.

  Charlie the Tuna

  One of the longest-running commercial animal mascots was Charlie the Tuna, for StarKist Tuna. The ads were meant to emphasize the company’s insistence on good-tasting tuna. Charlie would read a classic novel, say, to prove to StarKist that he had good taste. The rejoinder was always, “Sorry, Charlie, StarKist doesn’t want tuna with good taste, StarKist wants tuna that tastes good.” (Why Charlie wished to volunteer himself to be gutted, sliced, cooked, and canned was never explained.)

  A Frog in One’s Throat

  Medieval belief held that it was possible to swallow frogspawn while drinking from a stream or pond—this, before modern drinking water—and therefore tadpoles could hatch inside a person’s stomach. They would try to escape upwards, making it difficult for the afflicted host to speak with a frog in one’s throat.

  Medieval doctors sometimes prescribed putting a frog inside one’s mouth against infections like the fungus called thrush (also the name of a chronic condition afflicting the frog of a horse’s foot—see next entry). They believed the frog’s head, as it breathed inside a human’s mouth, would absorb the infection into itself. (Quack-quack.)

  It can’t really rain cats and dogs, but it occasionally rains frogs, fish, or soda cans. Violent thunderstorms and tornadoes may suck up all the contents of a small pond and carry them aloft until they’re dropped back to earth. In 1883 in Cairo, Illinois, a heavy rain brought down hundreds if not thousands of one-inch frogs. “A shower of frogs” had blanketed Kansas City, Missouri, in 1873, and in 1995 a tornado ripped through a Midwestern bottling plant, eventually depositing soda cans 150 miles north of the plant. A witness reported, “Soda cans were falling from the sky just like raining frogs.”

  Frogs

  In the 1700s frog became an English nickname for the French, via alliteration (both words begin with fr-) and that nationality’s consumption of frog legs.

  Other uses of frog, often as a prefix, are harder to explain. For instance, a frog is an ornamental fastener often seen in Western versions of Chinese clothes comprising a spindle-shaped button that fits in a loop. Or the frog that’s a horny elastic pad growing in the sole of a horse’s hoof that helps it absorb the shock when its hoof hits the ground.

  Then there’s the frog that’s a spiky or perforated object, usually in the bottom of a vase, used to hold the stems of flowers in an arrangement. And the frog that is or was a belt attachment to hold a sword or bayonet.

  To frogmarch someone is to force them to walk ahead by pinning or holding their arms from behind. More logically, a frogman is a diver wearing a wetsuit and flippers, with breathing equipment for working underwater.

  Frogbit is a freshwater floating plant with bunches of small rounded leaves.

  A frogmouth is a nocturnal bird from Southeast Asia and Australia that resembles a nightjar. Frogfish are anglerfish that dwell on the seabed, their bumpy complexions serving as
camouflage. A froghopper is a plant-sucking bug that hops from site to site, leaving behind its frothy white larvae on leaves and plant stems—these deposits are known as cuckoo spit (crazy, huh?).

  FYI, frogs cannot swallow unless they close their eyes. That’s because their eyes bulge not only outward but inward, so their eyes have to help push food into their stomachs—something humans do with their tongues. Frogs also must depress their eyes in order to breathe, since they lack a diaphragm.

  Toads

  To call a person a toad is one of the lowest animal comparisons. It means they’re really repulsive, physically or morally. A toady is an apple-polisher or, vulgarly, a kiss-ass. The verb to toady, or behave obsequiously, is a 19th-century contraction of toad-eater, an assistant to a snake-oil salesman who was willing to eat toads—regarded as poisonous—to prove that the snake oil worked.

  The myth that toads are poisonous carried over to the naming of toadstools, rounded cap-on-a-stalk fungi that are inedible or poisonous.

  A toadstone is a gem or fossil tooth once believed to have formed in and survived the body of a toad, thus giving it magical or therapeutic powers.

  Dr. Rebecca Pyles of the Herpetologists’ League explains, “All amphibians have some poison glands in their skin . . . one of the most poisonous is a tree frog, Phyllobates terribilis, one inch long, that has enough toxin to kill about 20,000 white mice or a couple of humans.”

  As for toads, there’s usually no danger unless a person ingests one. Their warts don’t exude poison and aren’t warts, but bumps that aid in respiration and cooling. A big reason toads have a worse reputation than frogs in the West is the myth that kissing the right frog (presumably male) will turn it into a handsome prince! (Where frogs are moist and jump, toads are dry and walk on all fours.)

  Toadflax is a slender-leaved plant with yellow or purplish flowers similar to snapdragons.

  A toadfish resides in warm seas, has a wide head and big mouth and emits loud grunts!

  Toady is also an Australian name for pufferfish, a wide-bodied fish that inflates itself, balloon-like, when it feels threatened.

  Toad-in-the-hole, despite its name, is a delicious British dish of sausages baked in batter, usually served with brown sauce or gravy.

  Drunk as a Newt

  A newt is a small and slender amphibian that resembles some lizards. This expression derives from British gentlemen of the 17th and 18th centuries nicknaming certain small, slender boys newts. They looked after the men’s horses while they spent the night gambling or drinking or in opium dens. The men would usually send out a “warm-up” drink to the newts, the better to keep them at their stations and treating the animals well. But the drinks were typically alcoholic and by the time the gents came out to retrieve their horses, the poor newts were often drunk.

  Newt was originally ewt but with time and poor enunciation an ewt became a newt. Rather similar to the (deliberate) change of 1960s actress Carolyn Lee’s name to Carol Lynley.

  Lizards

  A lounge lizard was traditionally a lounge musician. The derogatory term indicated he was tasteless and tacky—which image has largely transferred to the stereotypical Vegas lounge singer. As the phrase spread into non-musical general usage, it became affixed to well-dressed though perhaps crude young men (sometimes wearing lizard, alligator, or snakeskin shoes) who hung around venues where they could meet rich, usually older women. For example, afternoon tea dances such as the pre-stardom Rudolph Valentino frequented. The term alluded to the cool, calculating reptilian quality of a gigolo. Then and now, a lounge lizard was considered a social parasite; today he’s most likely to be a nightclub habitué.

  “Leapin’ lizards!” was an alliterative catchphrase popularized by the comic-strip character Little Orphan Annie.

  Best known as the stage and screen Auntie Mame, Rosalind Russell had a husband-manager, also a producer, who maneuvered to get her A-movie projects, for instance the film version of Ethel Merman’s stage smash Gypsy. The gay or bisexual manager-producer, whom Russell met through his ex-boyfriend Cary Grant, was unpopular in Hollywood, where he was known as the Lizard of Roz.

  Crocodile Tears

  This phrase for insincere grief is one of the oldest on record, going back to ancient Egypt, where crocodiles proliferated in the Nile (hunting and human overpopulation have drastically reduced their numbers). After eating, crocodiles shed excess salt from glands beneath each eye, which makes it appear they’re crying. Ancient Egyptians believed that after devouring its victim the crocodile was filled with remorse.

  Sir Francis Bacon (1561–1626) wrote, “It is the wisdom of the crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.” It was a long while until someone figured out that the “tears” had nil to do with sadness or guilt, as noted in the Victorian nursery rhyme “Natural History,” which asks, “What are young men made of?” and answers, “Sighs and leers, and crocodile tears.”

  Crocodiles and alligators, viewed from a distance by exploring Europeans, were the basis of Western tales of dragons. Some observers “reported” that the reptiles’ nostrils exuded clouds of smoke or even fire.

  Gatorade was created in the mid 1960s at the University of Florida, home of the Gators, to replace fluids and salts lost during extreme exertion, like playing football. The drink’s color is pale green, though most green alligators are found in cartoons and comic strips.

  Did you know the tongues of crocodilians—crocs, gators, caimans, etc.—are fixed to the floor of their mouths? Now you do.

  Snake Oil

  Everyone’s seen movies set in the Old West featuring itinerant snake-oil salesmen peddling phony medicines, nostrums, and elixirs. Did people truly believe they were buying snake oil and that it was good for you? In fact, the original snake oil came from Chinese water snakes and was used to treat almost any complaint. It may have arrived in the US via Chinese immigration following the 1849 gold rush. The oil was actually serpent fat, rather disgusting, but later found to be rich in omega-3 fatty acids; anti-inflammatory, it often helped ease arthritis and bursitis.

  Once the product found a growing market, out from under the rocks crawled unscrupulous salesmen willing to state any claim and sell any fake product to make a buck. Such swindlers became so common that their sham goods became generically known as snake oil, that is to say, worthless. As for the real thing, it faded away, victim to changing tastes, anti-Chinese sentiment and laws, and newer medicines.

  Snakes

  To cherish or nurture a snake in one’s bosom is to have one’s kindness repaid with treachery. (Note Shakespeare’s “how sharper than a serpent’s tooth” re the ingratitude of some children.)

  A snake in the grass is a hidden, treacherous enemy—a back-biter, as it were. (The phrase parallels a gorilla in the mist.)

  Snakes and ladders is a well-known British children’s game wherein one moves counters up ladders or down snakes illustrated on the board according to throws of a dice.

  Snake eyes is a throw of two ones with a pair of dice.

  A snake’s head is a fritillary, a plant in the lily family with hanging bell-like flowers checkered in purple and red. A fritillary is also a butterfly with brown-orange wings checkered with black, the name from Latin for dice box.

  A snakehead is a member of a Chinese criminal organization primarily involved in smuggling illegal immigrants to the West.

  To “scotch the snake” is a British phrase for spoiling a plan. Snaky means angry or cranky in Australia and New Zealand.

  A snakeboard is a trademarked skateboard of greater maneuverability and speed than the average board thanks to two footplates joined together by a bar.

  Snakebite is a British drink comprising equal parts draught cider and lager, while snakebitten is a nearly obsolete North American term for unlucky.

  A snakebird is also known as a darter and has a long neck and long pointy bill to spear fish with. Snake mackerel is another name for escolar, an elongated predatory fish with ringed markings around the
eyes that resemble spectacles and in the 1800s gave it the name, which is Spanish for scholar.

  Snakeroot is a North American plant supposed to yield an antidote to snake venom. It’s also a plant with snakelike roots that produces medicinal drugs.

  Snake-hipped describes someone with slim or minimal hips that moves in a sinuous way.

  And a plumber’s snake is a long flexible wire for removing obstacles from piping.

  FYI: Do snakes sneeze? Very ssseldom. They expel fluid from their respiratory passages with a sudden blast of air from their lungs. As for flicking their forked tongues, it’s not meant to intimidate nor is it preparatory to a bite. Rather, a snake’s tongue helps detect prey and predators.

  Dinosaur. . .

  To call someone a dinosaur is less to imply that they’re extremely old, more to declare they’re hopelessly outdated, usually in their thinking, and haven’t adapted to the modern era.

  A dinosaur may also be a thing that’s inefficient or so large it’s unwieldy. Which hardly applies to those very efficient reptiles, large or small, who roamed the earth for far longer than humans have. It took an asteroid crashing into the earth from out of space about 65 million years ago to kill them off.

  For many years, the Sinclair Oil Company used a dinosaur named (what else?) Dino as its mascot. It symbolized that petroleum comes from fossil fuels. The success of Dino was largely child-related. Children wanted to stop at the gas station with the dinosaur, and parents often indulged them.

  As most every child knows, “dinosaur” is from ancient Greek words meaning terrible lizard. And of course Barney is a friendly six-foot purple dinosaur.

  Worm

  A startling fact: worms comprise some three-quarters of all animal life on the planet. Obviously, worms are crucial to life on—and under—earth, but their lowly state and primitive form have rendered them verbally defamed. Calling somebody a worm means they’re low and contemptible. Or weak, though how weak are worms when they’re 75 percent of life on earth?