Down Among the Dead

by K. B. Wagers

  Blood welled up from the blade as I drew it across my skin. The bright flare of pain faded too quickly, a casualty of the hours I’d spent with Aiz fighting. It was intentional, this dulling of feeling. The increased tolerance for pain meant I could fight longer and through more injuries than even Johar’s enhanced abilities allowed, certainly longer than any normal human.

  But it also meant the feelings crept back in as the pain faded.

  I longed to jam the dull black point straight through my arm, but I knew it would attract Mia’s attention from where she spoke quietly with Aiz by the door.

  Especially since I still hadn’t figured out how to heal myself.

  Hail. Emmory’s ghost made a soft noise of distress as the blood dripped down my arm. Why are you doing this to yourself?

  “What do you care?” I murmured, tracing a finger through the drops on my skin before I slid it up to the cut and pressed down. The pain woke up again for just a moment and then vanished. More blood welled.

  You need to fix this.

  “You’re just as maddening as a ghost as you were alive, you know that?”

  Emmory smiled and put his hand over mine. Fix it.

  I blinked away the tears and laid the flat of my palm onto the cut.

  Fix it. With an exhale I pictured the muscle knitting itself back together, the skin drawing closed until all that was left behind was a patch of blood-smeared dark brown skin.

  I pulled my hand away, the rushing sound in my ears drowning out Mia’s delighted exclamation. The wound was gone, the only evidence that it had been there at all in a slender scar and the last of the blood still dripping from my arm. I could still feel some of Mia’s energy rolling around in my gut, though after a moment it settled down to something more familiar.

  “You left a scar.” She smiled. “You don’t have to.”

  “Leave it,” I said before she could put her hand on me. “It’s a momentous occasion, isn’t it? I should have something to remember it by.”

  Mia pulled her hand back, a curious, assessing look on her face. “That’s new.”

  “What is?”

  “The sarcasm.”

  I laughed and flipped the knife between my fingers. “No, it’s not new at all. Hao could have—” I bit my tongue and turned away, but not before I saw the strange flash of sympathy on Mia’s face. “I have always been a sarcastic bitch,” I said. “Putting my ass on a throne didn’t change that.”

  “I’m reasonably sure everyone who backed you doesn’t care in the slightest.”

  “I was the last woman standing. That’s why they backed me.” The words felt like they left my throat cut and bleeding, but there wasn’t any way to heal that wound, not with a thousand Shen.

  “No, Hail,” Mia said softly. “It was so much more than that. I—your people love you and you’ll see them again, I promise.”

  I knew I would. I’d either die fighting or die old and weary in my bed, and I’d be a ghost like all the people I cared about. I was okay with that outcome. “I know,” I said, moving back to the table and sitting down again. I cut another bright line of pain into my skin, then set the knife on the table and put my hand over the wound.

  An inhale followed by a slow exhale and I felt the energy that had been coiled in my stomach wake up and flow up through my hand like warm honey in the sunshine.

  I pulled my hand away and held up my healed arm for Mia to see. The little voice in the back of my head that was getting weaker with every passing hour whispered that she looked concerned rather than happy, but I brushed it away.

  I had a purpose to keep me going. If there was nothing else, that would have to do.

  Johar kept track of the days with tiny tick marks on the wall by the window, and I watched the marks spread. She and Alba explored the base, and mostly treated me as though nothing had changed.

  But Gita watched me with a frown that grew more and more worried. It was hard to blame her; Aiz had refused to let her watch me fight. It was an order that infuriated my Ekam and left me privately, shamefully, relieved.

  I played a good game on the surface most days, helping with the Shen war effort. Offering advice when asked—sometimes even when not. I also withdrew, curling further into myself with every sunrise. The ghosts in my head grew louder, ever more demanding that I stand, that I fight, that I not dishonor them by quitting, until I was a broken, sobbing mess dying once more on the mat.

  Worse, I had come to love the fights. The pain that seeped into my bones; the sharp, bright teeth of it when Aiz flooded me with his energy to bring me back to life. It was just and right, and I told myself I deserved it for failing those I loved.

  I started to believe that nothing but the fight mattered.

  “Why do you waste your time fighting me?”

  Aiz blinked at my question, grinning when I followed it with a low spin-kick that would have broken his knee had he not dodged at the last second. “You think this is a waste?”

  “You are so much better than me. The others, I stand a chance of beating them.”

  “You’ll get there,” Aiz replied. “You know as well as I do that the best way to get better is to fight someone you know you cannot possibly defeat in the training ring. You are a better fighter than most of the people here. It’s impressive when you think about the age differences. Your instincts are so attuned. Your reaction time flawless.”

  I missed a block and doubled over from the force of his fist in my stomach. To my surprise, Aiz backed off a step, and when I straightened he was grinning again.

  “Most of the time your reaction time is flawless. Hold the fight for a moment.” The official call to pause a fight meant I could relax fully, and I went back to leaning my palms on my knees.

  “This is the equivalent of me training a new recruit in the Indranan Royal Marines and you know it.” I waved a hand at him. “I’m grateful for the experience, believe me.”

  “Are you really?”

  “Shut up. I just want to know why.”

  “You are the Star of Indrana.” Aiz gestured around the room at the spectators. “These soldiers have heard of you their whole lives. Talos does a reasonably good job hiding his hero worship of you, Hail, but the others cannot possibly do what needs to be done here.”

  “You’re telling me that you’re the only one willing to kick my ass?”

  “Basically. I am also the only one here who’s actually killed some of these so-called gods. There is no one better to teach you how they fight and what to expect.” He rolled his shoulders. “Are you ready?”

  “Sure. Is that why you talk so much during a fight with me but not the others?” I asked as I ducked under Aiz’s swing and elbowed him hard in the kidney—or at least where I assumed he’d have a kidney. I didn’t know enough about Shen physiology to say for sure, but it was as good a guess as any.

  “It helps separate your mind from your body, leaves your body free to do the work necessary to win the fight,” he replied, and I watched his torso as we circled each other. “Your mind can be too much of a distraction. That’s lesson two—these beings will lie to you, trick your eyes, do everything they can to gain the upper hand in a fight. You can’t let them.”

  Aiz moved in on me. I blocked three punches, missed the fourth, and staggered away with a hand pressed to my left eye. I knew he was coming after me, so I put a bit more unsteadiness into my stagger than I was feeling and kept my back turned.

  His footsteps were loud on the mat, and I leaned out of the way of the expected punch, catching his wrist with my right hand as I struck him in the armpit with my left elbow. His shoulder joint gave, but I didn’t stop, kicking him in the right knee with as much force as I could muster. It cracked under the blow and he went down with a curse, rolling away from me and back onto his feet.

  “Nice one.” He limped a few steps, swore again, and then put his hands up. “Continue.”

  I shook out my arms and grinned. “So if I can’t trust my eyes when I’m fighting, what can
I trust?”

  Aiz moved fast, grabbing me by the throat with his left hand and throwing me to the side with such force I blacked out when I connected with the wall.

  I came to a second later, struggling to my feet just in time for not-Emmory to grab my throat and slam me into the wall a second time.

  “You have failed us all. Over and over again. We threw ourselves onto your fire and not once did you honor our sacrifice.”

  I froze. Even knowing this wasn’t Emmory, the words cut my heart out of my chest with vicious precision. Not-Emmory slammed my head into the wall a third time, and this time I saw stars. They were quickly accompanied by the warm trickle of my own blood down the back of my neck, and the pain I’d gotten so good at ignoring finally woke up.

  “Damn it.” Not-Emmory morphed back into Aiz. He dropped me to the ground and walked away, leaving me gasping for air in the silence of the room.

  Talos took a knee at my side. “The irony there is if you’d been able to keep your guard up and attack him back, you might have been able to win that one. It’s exactly what those Farian liars will do, Hail. They will try to trick you at a critical moment. You cannot let them. You have to be prepared to strike no matter what.”

  “No, hold still for a second,” he said when I shifted. “I’m pretty sure he cracked your skull on that last shot, and trying to fix your brain would require someone with more skill than I have.”

  He slid his hand into my hair, into the pain radiating from the back of my head, and I dragged in a breath as it shrank down into nothing.

  “And the rest of it.”

  “No, it’s fine.” I leaned away from his hand. “There’s nothing major, it’ll heal.”

  “Hail—” Talos stopped and cleared his throat. “Star of Indrana, it is not right to leave you injured.”

  “I said it was fine.” I got to my feet, swallowing back the groan as it tried to surface, and slowly made my way across the room.

  “The fights are not punishment.” Even though his tone was gentle, the quiet statement slapped at me.

  I grabbed a towel and wiped my face, wincing when my arms protested. “Who said they were?”

  He leaned against the wall, watching me closely. “I’ve been where you are. I recognize it easily enough. Trying to hold the weight of the world on your shoulders and thinking that the pain somehow absolves you of the choices you had to make.”

  His words sank in like a precision laser strike, a piercing direct hit all the way to my soul, and I braced myself on the bench, refusing to look his way.

  There’s nothing to absolve you of the choices you’ve made, but the pain is a good start. The voice I couldn’t identify, the ghost who refused to show their face had become my constant companion. They slipped in among the other ghosts with deft skill, weaving a poisonous story of my faults and my failures with unending relentless determination.

  I threw the towel into the bin with a hiss of annoyance. “What do you know of it?”

  “I left my whole family to the judgment of the Pedalion,” Talos said, his smile weary. “It doesn’t matter that my parents told me to go. Both they and my sisters were sent to atone for my defection to the Shen. It has been a very long time, but they are still there—serving my punishment.” He sighed and looked up at the ceiling. “I am told if I turned myself in I could take their place. Do you know why I don’t, Star of Indrana?”

  “Why?”

  Talos smiled again. “Because I know the Pedalion lies. They would kill me, or worse use me to try to get to the Thínos. It wouldn’t save my family. The only thing that can do that is to win this war.”

  “At least you have a family to save.” It was petty of me and such a cheap shot I felt instantly guilty, but Talos didn’t rise to the bait; he merely smiled.

  “The fights are not punishment, and the pain is not going to save you. Let me heal you, please. I won’t do it without your permission.”

  “Good,” I replied, heading for the door. “I’m not sure I have it in me for another fight.”

  Talos didn’t follow me as I limped down the hallway, though I didn’t doubt for a second he was on the com reporting me to Mia or Aiz—or both of them. I wasn’t sure which I’d prefer at the moment, and instead of heading back to our rooms I found my feet taking me to one of the outside doors.

  “Star of Indrana, are you all right?” The guard at the door gave me a once-over as she asked the question, and I waved her off.

  “I’m fine, just going for a walk.”

  She frowned but held the door. “Don’t go into the jungle, ma’am. It’s dangerous in the dark.”

  I gave a noncommittal grunt and made my way into the cool night air. If Talos hadn’t called someone, the guard at the door would for sure, so I limped to the edge of the circle of light surrounding the compound and lowered myself to the ground.

  He’s wrong, Hao said, settling down at my side.

  “I know.” I wrapped my arms around my knees and rested my cheek on them so I could see my brother’s ghost. “I killed you all; I deserve whatever pain comes my way and more.”

  Hao shrugged. You made a shitty call and we died for it. That’s life, little sister. His easy acceptance didn’t take the sharpness out of his words. But that had been Hao—able to deliver a scathing rebuke or honest praise without ever changing his tone.

  You’ve always been too trusting, he said, reaching a hand out to brush my hair from my face. Even now, you believe everything the Shen tell you. How do you know they’re not playing you, Hail?

  “I don’t,” I admitted. “Shit, I don’t even know if you ghosts are playing with me. But what else am I supposed to do? I can’t bring you all back, but maybe—”

  You’re fooling yourself if you try to say this is anything more than a suicide mission, sha zhu. Hao shook his head. Whatever you’re going to fight is going to step on you and keep on going. You can’t win this.

  “Then I’ll be dead and it won’t fucking matter anymore, will it?” I turned my head and buried my face in my knees as the sobs broke free. “I just want it to end, Hao.”

  “Hail.” The soft call of my name and the hand on my back belonged to Mia, not Hao’s ghost, and I froze. She didn’t say anything else, but I felt the soft, seeking pulse of her energy flowing from her hand and chasing the pain away.

  “Talos said he wouldn’t do that without my permission.” I shifted away, annoyance rising to fill the emptiness.

  “Talos won’t do it because you are the Star of Indrana.” Mia’s laugh was barely an exhale. “Whereas I will precisely because of who you are.”

  “Do you ever get tired of talking in riddles?” Annoyance edged into anger and I heard the murmured response behind us. There were three guards, no, four, I amended as I heard another pair of boots scuff in the dirt.

  “It comes with the territory,” she replied. “Don’t try to pick a fight with me, Hail; it won’t go the way you think.”

  “I didn’t ask you to come out here.” I pushed to my feet, heard the scattering of the guards behind us. I’d always been good in a fight, but over the last few weeks, this hyperawareness of those around me and an almost instinctive cataloging of their fight potential had grown exponentially.

  Mia was still the unknown quantity. Aiz had made it sound like she was a hell of a fighter, but I hadn’t seen it. She still hadn’t come to watch us fight and it was hard for me to believe she could be on the same level as Aiz if she didn’t practice at all. Now I found myself wanting to know if the insinuations were true.

  “I can practically see the wheels turning in your head. We’re not fighting,” Mia said as she rose. “Go get some sleep, Hail.”

  “I’m not a child. Don’t try to order me around like one.”

  The guards moved forward but Mia made a shushing noise and they all backed off.

  She could have easily countered with You’re behaving like one, but it would have set me off. Though how she knew that, I had no idea.

  “Your
Majesty? Is everything all right?”

  I closed my eyes as Alba’s voice carried itself over the thundering of my heart. “It’s fine. I was just headed inside.” Shaking off the desperate desire to fight, I turned away from Mia and put my arm around Alba’s shoulders, leaving her standing behind me at the edge of the light.

  “How did you know where I was?” I asked as I ushered her back into the compound.

  Alba smiled and tapped her head. “Still have these, ma’am. Plus Talos came by and mentioned you might not be feeling well. Gita and Johar were busy, I thought I’d come check.”

  I hugged her to my side, feeling the last of the fighting rage drain away and some semblance of normalcy returning.

  “I found something, too, ma’am. It’s strange. I thought you’d want to take a look at it.”

  “What is it?” I let Alba go so she could go through the doorway of our rooms first out of habit more than any sense that we needed to check the surroundings.

  “Come look.” She pointed at the blank wall, tossing up the images from her smati onto it. “I’ve been going through news reports—well, what reports I can get from the server here. It’s limited access and we’re so far away from Earth the only things available have been brought in by someone else on this base. The Shen are interested, though, which helps. But either time is seriously skewed on this planet or they’re having trouble getting info because everything is out of date.”

  “Alba, the point?”

  “Yes, sorry, ma’am. This is my point. I was digging in someone’s private files and found this.” She brought an image forward. It was dark and grainy, the figures blurred, but I recognized the set of the shoulders and my heart gave an awful little lurch.

  “I know the image quality is awful,” Alba said.

  “It’s Hao.” I shook my head. “It’s surveillance footage from before the embassy blew.”

  “It’s not, though, Majesty, unless the dates on the report I pulled it from are totally wrong. This is surveillance footage from an hour after the embassy explosion. The rubble is—”