by K. B. Wagers
Not-Zin had a hand locked on my gun arm, fingers digging into my forearm until my hand went numb. I gasped, the gun dropping into the jungle undergrowth, and tried to kick at him. But he knocked my foot away with his own and then planted it into the back of my knee. My other leg was pinned against a log, not-Zin putting pressure on it with his thigh.
I slapped at him with the only thing I still had free, my left arm, even though the movement shot fire through me.
“Majesty, stop.”
A hard hand grabbed my wrist and twisted my arm behind my back, but I only fought harder and the Shen surprisingly released me instead of letting my bones snap.
My captors were cursing in Indranan, which was also a surprise, but I was too far gone in the fighting rage Aiz had beaten into me to examine it for long. Not even the powering up of a Hessian 45 stun setting was enough to still my thrashing, and I almost got free of not-Zin’s grip.
“Shiva’s sake, Emmory, just do it before she gets free. I’ve survived worse.”
The pain coursed through me, stiffening every muscle in my body for a screaming eternity. I felt not-Zin collapse on top of me as the same shock ripped through him, but before I could recover, someone rolled him off me and quickly cuffed my hands and my ankles.
The stunned silence settled heavily around us until I turned my head to the side to spit the loam out of my mouth, my laughter following after. “You bunch are going to get an earful from Aiz. No broken bones? You didn’t even try to kill me! What is wrong with you?” I started to roll over, but someone’s boot landed in my back.
“Majesty, I think it’s best if you stay right there.”
“That sounds like Indula.” I craned my neck to get a peek at the Shen wearing my dead Guard’s face. “He hated fireworks, loved harassing Iza, and was a horrible singer. Put that in your database.”
“I’m hurt, Majesty. I thought you liked my singing.” He grinned at me.
I spat blood at him. “You are not-Indula, because Indula’s dead. Iza’s dead. Emmory and Zin are dead. Hao is dead. They all died and left me behind. You are not-Indula. He is nothing but ashes and rubble back on Earth.”
The Shen with Indula’s pretty pale eyes stared at me, his smile sliding into a horrified look that twisted something buried inside my chest.
He looked away from me toward not-Emmory. “Sir?”
“We’ll handle it. Let’s get her up, we’re going to have to carry her back to the ship. I don’t trust her not to run if we take those cuffs off her legs.”
“Smart man,” I said, smiling into the dirt.
“Emmory, what the fu—What did they do to her?” Not-Zin was breathing hard when he hissed the question.
“I don’t know, but I’m going to be asking our prisoner that question.”
They lifted me up, hands sliding under my armpits. I turned my head and closed my teeth on exposed fingers. Not-Indula swore and dropped me. I crashed into the Shen on my other side and tried to roll away, but she grabbed me, wrapping her arms and legs around my torso.
“Dark Mother, Emmory, she bit me!”
Not-Emmory crouched at my side with a sigh. He grabbed me by the chin with one gloved hand, holding me still as he released a cloud of sapne with the other. I tried to hold my breath, but the flare of pain as his fingers tightened on my bruised face made me gasp, and I inhaled the foul lavender smoke.
As the world dropped away, the last things I saw were the sad brown eyes of my dead Ekam.
I sat quietly on the floor of an unfamiliar medical bay, my arms locked together behind my back while the Shen stared down at me wearing the face of my dead Ekam. My demands to speak to Mia or Aiz had been ignored, or rather, met with stunned confusion that had to be faked. It made the optimistic part of my brain whisper things I wanted to ignore.
My people were not alive. They were dead and I was alone.
My jaw ached from where not-Emmory had punched me during my third escape attempt since they’d taken me prisoner. It had been a wicked strike, not enough to knock me out completely but enough to put me down so they could restrain me again.
“Majesty.” He crouched a distance away, even though my legs were shackled at the ankles. There was a frustration in those dark eyes. “I need you to stop doing that.”
“I need you to let me go, so I guess we’re both going to be disappointed.” I shook off the creeping desire to believe that the man in front of me was truly my dead Ekam. Emmory and all the others were gone, and no amount of fanciful dreaming could change that fact.
What if you’re wrong, though?
“Where is Aiz?” I demanded before not-Emmory could say anything else. “What is going on? Are you Farians? Or are you part of Hamah’s little faction of Shen who don’t seem to like me much? I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting you if that’s the case. Either way, I wish you’d wipe those faces off. It’s not fooling me.”
Not-Emmory heaved a sigh and pushed to his feet. I watched him cross to the doorway of the medical bay where not-Zin stood, and the pair stood in silence.
You’re in a pickle, aren’t you, ma’am? Willimet asked.
I leaned my head back against the wall, keeping one eye on the two men at the door. “I’ll get free,” I replied. “It’s only a matter of time. They’ll drop their guard. I’ll get a chance and I’ll take it.”
What about Gita and the others?
My breath lodged in my chest at the ghost’s quiet reminder, and I squeezed my eyes shut at the sudden pain. I didn’t know where they were. I didn’t know if they were alive or if they’d joined the growing ranks of the army of ghosts at my back.
You don’t even know if they’re actually your people. That hadn’t come from Will but the spiteful unknown voice.
“I don’t know, I’ll find out.”
“Majesty?”
I opened my eyes. Not-Emmory and Zin were both just out of reach watching me curiously. “What?”
“Who are you talking to?” not-Emmory asked.
“Willimet,” I replied, and was surprised for a moment when he flinched before my brain reminded me that the Shen would know who she was and how she’d died.
“If I take those leg cuffs off you so you can walk, are you going to give me a reason to regret it?”
“Most likely.”
Not-Zin chuckled under his breath, and the Hessian 45 in his hand made a whining noise as he powered it up. “You know the stun function hurts, Majesty. We don’t want it to go down like this and I suspect you don’t want to spend the next hour on the cold floor.”
“It’s not so bad down here.” I smiled. “Let’s just save ourselves the trouble, shall we?”
“Have it your way.” Not-Emmory crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the examination table. Not-Zin followed suit, putting his gun back in its holster. “You want to tell me why you think we’re dead?”
“Because you are. Same as Will here. Difference is she’s a ghost.” I jerked my head toward her, but she was gone.
I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the wall again. “You all are whatever, Shen I’m assuming. Or maybe Farians, it’s so hard to tell at this point if you won’t fess up. Aiz said you both could do this.” I rubbed at my cheek with the back of my hand, cuffs clattering with the movement.
“Do what?”
“Make yourself look like other people,” I replied. “It’s how Aiz got past my BodyGuards in the deli on Pashati. We’d all assumed it was a masking program of Hao’s, but it wasn’t.”
“That explains a lot,” not-Zin murmured.
“Right? We were all so focused on Hao’s betrayal we never really followed up on just how Aiz accomplished it. Either way, my Emmory and Zin are dead and gone. I’d say buried but there probably wasn’t enough left of you after the embassy exploded. Alba seemed to think there was news to the contrary, but I don’t believe it. Everyone I love dies, it’s just a fact.”
One of the men made a noise like I’d kicked him.
“You didn’t
see us die,” not-Emmory said, his voice full of quiet pain. “Alba could be right.”
“I’m not even sure Alba’s alive, to be honest.” I cracked an eye open and watched the shock dance across his face. “Gita, Johar, Alba, and I escaped but then ran into Rai. He was working for Aiz. I should have fucking seen that one coming. But hey, whatever. Anyway, there’s been some recent debate about if the three of them even got off Earth alive. My vote’s on no, just because that’s about how things have been shaking out for me.”
I watched the men share a concerned look that morphed into an unspoken conversation. Not-Emmory sighed and looked back at me. “We’re—”
“Look, I saw the wreckage and there was nothing on the coms, no life signs, no contact. They were gone. I can’t trust a lot of what’s going on with me, but I know that truth—” I choked on a swell of unexpected sadness and had to clear my throat before I could continue. “If they’d been alive they would have come for me, not left us here to rot for six months.”
“Hail—”
“Don’t,” I snapped, my cuffs rattling as I held my hands up. “Don’t talk to me like you know me. Don’t talk to me like you’re my friend. He’s dead.”
“What do you want us to do?”
I opened my eyes all the way, meeting not-Emmory’s gaze squarely. “Let me go. Or if you won’t, put a blast through my head. Portis says I should keep fighting, but Dark Mother, I am tired. I won’t complain if you make this stop. The galaxy can save itself for once.”
“Majesty—”
“I’m serious. I was going to help Aiz and Mia, but if you won’t let me go, there’s little point in me being alive. Gita and the others are probably dead, too. I’ve spent these last six months learning how to fight up to the end of my life and beyond. I just want to finish this one way or the other because I am tired of holding the pieces of me together.” My voice cracked. “Just kill me and be done with it. Or let me go so I can kill the fucking Farian gods and then find a quiet place to drink myself to death.”
“Dark Mother, Hail. What did they do to you?” Not-Zin’s shaky curse almost sounded real and the expression of horror on his face dug at the wound in my chest, magnifying the pain I’d thought was already dialed up to eleven.
“They didn’t do anything. I made a choice! It was the only choice I had, but it was still mine to make.” I clenched my jaw shut against the desire to tell them everything and glared.
Not-Emmory was silent, and I couldn’t guess at what was going on behind that expressionless mask. He tapped not-Zin on the arm and headed for the door. Only after it had slid shut behind them did I let the tears loose.
19
I don’t know how long I dozed, slumped awkwardly against the wall, but when I woke Hao was sitting on the examination table.
No. Not-Hao. “Ghost or Shen?” My voice was rough, still clogged with tears and sleep.
Pragmatic as always, ghost-Hao smiled and stuck his arm in the table. It passed through like a knife dipped in ghee and he wiggled his fingers at me from the underside before removing it and hopping down.
What kind of shit are you in, little sister? he asked, settling onto the floor next to me. I knew I was imagining the heat, the warmth. I knew if I leaned against him I’d fall the rest of the way to the floor. I did it anyway, and pretended that there was something solid for me to touch.
“I don’t know,” I murmured. “I don’t know who these people are or why they’re playing this game. I don’t know what they want.”
How are you going to get out of it?
“I don’t know. I’d rather they just kill me.”
If I could smack you right now, I would, he said, the tone in his voice chipping away at my self-pity.
“I wish you could.”
Get up, Hail.
I snapped awake at the sound of voices outside the open door.
“Are you okay?”
Not-Emmory’s quiet sigh came on the heels of not-Zin’s question. “I just finished debriefing Gita. They—she’s shaken, Zin. Hail’s apparently been training for some big showdown with the Farian gods. Aiz killed her, beat her to death over and over again. Messed with her mind. Hail’s been seeing ghosts, acting erratically. Helping the Shen. They all thought we died in the explosion on Earth.”
“No wonder she thinks we’re not real.” Zin exhaled. “You probably don’t want Hao to find out about what Aiz did.”
“Yeah.” Not-Emmory sighed again. “We’re going to have enough trouble corralling Hail and figuring out how to convince her we’re real. I don’t want to add pissed-off Hao with a vendetta to the list.”
“I don’t like to admit it, Emmory, but I might help him with it.”
“Me, too,” Not-Emmory replied. “Go tell Gita and the others to keep it to themselves for now. I need to deal with Hail.”
I closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep as Not-Emmory came into the room. He reached down and hauled me to my feet, leaning out of the way of my awkward attempt to slam my head into his nose. His gloved hand tightened on my upper arm to keep me from falling forward, and the cuffs at my ankles lengthened from an unspoken command just enough to allow me to take short, shuffling steps on bare feet out the door. Not-Zin was nowhere to be found.
The ship we were on was unfamiliar. Dark gray walls and a curving corridor that seemed to extend upward forever. I could hear voices above us, echoing through the air, but otherwise the ship was silent.
“Are we still on the ground?” If the ship wasn’t running, it meant we weren’t in space, which meant I still had a chance of escape.
Not-Emmory shot me a sideways glance before he answered. “For the moment.”
“Where are we going when the moment’s up?”
He didn’t answer.
We came around a bend and I spotted a familiar silhouette in the hallway ahead. Portis’s smile faded a bit as he looked me up and down.
You look rough, baby.
“Shut it, Portis. I’ve had a bad day.”
“What?” Not-Emmory asked, and I shook my head.
“Nothing,” I said. “Just talking to myself.”
We continued in silence, Portis following behind, not-Emmory stopping outside a doorway that slid open silently at his touch. The interior room was mostly empty, obviously stripped of anything that could be used as a weapon or in an escape attempt.
“Shower, clean clothes, sleep,” he said. “There’s no surveillance, but I’m right outside that door. Don’t try to escape, Majesty. Just clean yourself up and get some rest.”
The cuffs at my feet fell away, followed by the ones at my wrists. I spun, ignoring the screaming pain in my shoulders, and took a swing. Not-Emmory was ready for me and ducked under it, hitting me in chest with the palm of his hand. The perfect blow knocked me backward and drove the air from my lungs. Pain wouldn’t stop me, but lack of air was a surprisingly effective stalling measure. I went down on a knee, gasping for air that wouldn’t come. By the time I recovered I was alone in the room.
I didn’t head straight for the shower—though I both desperately wanted to and was terrified of it at the same time—and instead prowled the room to see if they’d missed anything.
Get some sleep, Portis said. He was sitting cross-legged on the bed. It’s been a while. You’ll do better if you’re rested.
I rubbed both hands over my face. Every bone in my body hurt, and exhaustion was dragging me down toward unconsciousness. Exhaling a shaky breath, I headed for the bathroom, cataloging my injuries as I stripped out of my filthy clothes. The cut on my side was hot and red but healing. My body seemed to be winning the fight against whatever possible infection there was. I left it. I knew I couldn’t risk trying to heal it myself as exhausted as I was.
Dark bruises bloomed over my right shoulder. The fresh wounds from my tangle with not-Zin were tender to the touch, and the red mark on my sternum from not-Emmory’s hand would definitely bruise.
I turned on the water, wincing at the sound of i
t falling against the floor of the shower. The expected panic didn’t surge up into my throat, and instead growled from the corner of my brain like a trapped cat. Desperate for a distraction, I powered up my smati, but there was nothing except static on the coms, and the array of chips in my brain refused to connect to whatever computer this ship had, so I turned it off again.
The water was hot and felt good even as I sank to the floor, my arms wrapped around my head to hide the tears just in case someone was watching. After several minutes I stepped hard on my misery, forcing myself back to my feet and scrubbing away my time in the forest with a determined focus. The dirt and debris swirled down the drain, taking with it some of my grief and fury.
The clothes they’d left for me were of Farian make: underwear, a soft gray tunic with long sleeves, and matching pants. I dried off my hair as much as I could before pulling them on and staggered back out into the other room.
Portis was gone.
“Lights off.” I crawled into the bed, curled into a ball, and let the exhaustion take me.
I woke up and knew immediately I’d made a mistake letting my guard down. The familiar hum of a spaceship in flight vibrated the bed, the wall, and the floor beneath my feet. Spitting a string of vicious curses into the darkness, I slid from the bed to the floor and felt my way across the room to the doorway.
The control pad was on the left.
No, the right. I corrected myself, shaking away the disorientation plaguing me.
I didn’t have anything to pry it off with, but maybe there was something in the bathroom.
My fingers brushed the edge of the control panel and the shock ripped through me, an all-too-familiar jolt of electricity that dropped me faster than an atmo-based ship losing its thrusters at thirty-three kilometers up.
The door slid open and light spilled in from the hallway, illuminating a pair of boots in my vision. Emmory’s boots. No, not-Emmory’s boots. Who would have thought I’d get sentimental over footwear; but then who’d have thought the Shen would have put so much effort into this charade as to get a pair of so obviously broken-in Tracker boots to wear?