Down Among the Dead

by K. B. Wagers

  “I do.” I blinked back the tears. “Thank you for always looking out for me. Especially there.”

  “It’s what I’m here for, though holy shit you owe me for being stuck on that damn planet for six months. Don’t scare me like that again, okay?” She released me with a smile.

  “I promise.” Clearing my throat, I looked at the three men, who were all grinning.

  “Not a word, Ekam.”

  “I wouldn’t dream of it, Majesty.”

  “Emmory. Jagana? Riddhi and Sahil?” I hadn’t seen the newer guards, and the fear of the answer had kept the question in place for the better part of a day.

  “They are fine. I had them wait for Captain Saito to pass along what little information we had. Sahil had a minor injury from the explosion but the other two were uninjured. Everyone, in fact, survived the explosion of the embassy, even Ambassador Zellin and all her staff.”

  “Everyone?”

  Emmory smiled. “As improbable as it sounds, yes. Fasé got us all out in time.”

  “Good.” I lapsed back into silence for a moment, the relief overwhelming. “I was afraid—well, you know.”

  “I do. Are you going to talk about it?”

  “I don’t know.” I squeezed my hands into fists. I’d fixed my fingers, telling myself that the injuries were good practice, knowing somewhere deep down that was at least partially a lie. “What else is there to say?”

  We sped through the black, Aiz’s escort of ships around us, and as the hours rolled by things settled into a new normality. Still, there was a rhythm to the ship, and to my people, and I was out of sync. It was as painful as a heart beating at the wrong moment, slamming up against bruised ribs with a desperate force.

  I missed fighting. The sudden absence of the pain and the adrenaline rush that had been an almost daily part of my life for six months was a sharp needle in my brain, distracting me from my attempts to catch up on everything I’d missed while on Sparkos.

  The worst part of it was I couldn’t confide in anyone. I knew how bad it sounded—to want to feel that connection of fist to flesh—and I didn’t have the words to translate it into something that sounded less masochistic than it was.

  The knife I’d sweet-talked from Johar was heavy in my pocket. It would be quiet but messy to cut myself open. Still, part of me wanted to head for the privacy of the bathroom so I could do it. That pain grounded me. Brought me back to reality when the world started to spin out of control. And it was far easier to access than the pain I could get from fighting.

  “Majesty, Empress Alice—”

  “Not going to talk to her.”

  Emmory gave me the Look. “Received a message from the Farians. They heard about your rescue, not a surprise given we didn’t try to keep it quiet. But now they’re insisting on speaking with you.”

  I wanted to talk with Adora even less than I wanted to talk to Alice, but I blew out a breath, sat back down, and made my reply as diplomatic as possible. “Tell Alice she’s the empress and she doesn’t have to do a Shiva-damned thing for the Farians.”

  “We are still technically allied with the Farians, Majesty,” Zin said from the other side of the door. “And until we have some actual proof that they were involved in anything that happened on Earth, that’s not going to change.”

  “We could go to Faria and I could beat a confession out of Adora. Before or after the fight with the gods, I’m good either way.”

  “You want to talk about this?” Emmory asked, settling a hip on the desk near me.

  “Talk about what?”

  “This ‘I’m spoiling for a fight’ attitude.”

  “Not particularly,” I replied.

  “Hail.” Emmory shared a look with Zin. “You don’t have to fight anyone.”

  I hummed the denial in my throat and forced a smile at my Trackers, standing so solemn and concerned in front of me. “The future says otherwise, and even if I did want to talk this out we saw how that went down on Earth.” I waved a hand in the air. “Anyhow, we just had this conversation, Emmory, and I thought we resolved it.”

  “I told you we would question it.” He sighed and headed for the door.

  “Every step of the way?”

  “Right up until you are set to face these gods if it means I might save your life,” he replied, and he and Zin left me alone.

  I was left staring at the door, the words hitting me like a ship dropping out of atmo. Scarcely a heartbeat later Mia came through.

  “Are you all right?” She gestured behind her. “I saw Emmory in the hallway and he suggested I speak to you.”

  That was interesting. Emmory seemed fine with allowing Mia to wander without a guard, and she now had access to the coms so she could speak with Aiz. But for him to actually suggest she speak to me and let her do it in private? That was a new leap of faith for him.

  “Fine,” I said automatically. “My Ekam thinks I’m trying to kill myself.”

  “You disagree?” She perched against the very spot Emmory had vacated and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

  “I don’t have a death wish, if that’s what you’re asking.” I pushed out of my chair with a hiss of annoyance. “I’m just prepared to do whatever necessary.”

  “Does breaking your own fingers and cutting yourself fall under what’s necessary?”

  The question stopped me in my tracks, and I muttered a particularly vicious curse under my breath. “Yes,” I said finally, not turning around to look at Mia. “It keeps me here. Reminds me this is real.”

  Reminds me everything I feared could happen again if I let my guard down.

  “Oh, Hail, are you still afraid this is all a trick?”

  “Wouldn’t you be?” As badly as I wanted to reach into my pocket for the knife there, I knew if I came out of this room with blood on me Mia would be the one who paid the price.

  “Possibly.” She moved with that lightning-fast speed again, closing her hand over mine before I could yank my finger back. “No. Just stay here, Hail, sit with the pain instead of trying to distract yourself.”

  I don’t want to hovered on my lips, but I caught the words at the last second, all too aware of how childish and petty they sounded.

  “It hurts.” That wasn’t much better, but Mia smiled softly.

  “I know. Just breathe, Hail.”

  Breathe. That I could do. In theory, anyway.

  “What hurts?”

  I squeezed my eyes shut. “Everything.”

  “Be more specific.” There was kindness in her words, but it was bolstered by steel.

  Pressing my free hand to my eyes as I sank into the chair, I whispered, “Fires of Naraka, I am not good enough for this. You deserve better. My people deserve better. The whole buggered galaxy deserves better than me. I’m just a gunrunner, Mia. A princess who ran away from home, from all her responsibilities, and ended up with a throne because she was all they had left—”

  “Stop.”

  I was reasonably sure Mia could get anyone to obey her when she used that commanding voice.

  “You have led your people and your empire through fire, Hail. Look at me.”

  I dropped my hand and opened my eyes, but I couldn’t keep my gaze on Mia’s for long without drowning in those gray depths. Instead I fixed my eyes on the wall behind her head, and after a moment she sighed and continued.

  “The deaths hurt, they always do. And I would think so much less of you than I do now if you were able to brush that off and keep going without the least bit of remorse. We can’t lead with the fear of those we’ll lose at the forefront of our minds, Hail. You are living through what that does to you.

  “If the light comes, we will all have to fight and you will have to say good-bye to people you love.” She stopped, swallowed, and continued. “What hurts?”

  “They think I am throwing my life away. Emmory and the others, I can—” I shook my head and pulled away from her hands. “I can see the concern in their eyes and I know why they feel tha
t way.”

  “Do you really?” Mia tilted her head to study me. “They love you, Hail.”

  “They shouldn’t.” And that, I realized suddenly, was what hurt. Pressing a fist to my heart, I stared at her. It was all too easy to call up the looks from everyone in my mind. All too easy to see the faces of those who’d already given their lives for me. “Oh Shiva, they shouldn’t love me. They shouldn’t put themselves at risk for me. I have done nothing to deserve this devotion.”

  “Love isn’t about what we deserve,” Mia said, kneeling by my side and putting a hand over my fist. “Your people love you because of who you are. All of it, not just the good.”

  I wasn’t sure I believed her, but then, I loved Hao—didn’t I? Hadn’t I forgiven him for his fuckups, his betrayal? Hadn’t I known, somehow, from the very first moment that he was holding a piece of me in his hands? The same thing was true of Gita, of Emmory and Zin and all the others. I loved Johar without hesitation and yet I didn’t think I was worthy?

  “There it is,” Mia said with a smile, squeezing my hand once before letting me go and getting to her feet. “That’s better, isn’t it?”

  “How do you do that?” I blinked up at her, unclenching my fist and rubbing at the space above my heart.

  “We cannot turn away from the love in our hearts, Hail. No matter the fire burning around us and the anger clamoring for attention. If we give in to that, if we turn our backs on the love? Everything we are dies.”

  “Mia, I can’t fight and keep this.” The confession came out in a whisper, and for a moment I thought she hadn’t heard me.

  She stopped by the door, her back to me as she replied. “You can. I’ve seen you do it.” She tapped the panel by the door and slipped through the opening, leaving me alone in the room.

  26

  The ping of the incoming call on my smati the next morning startled me so much that I answered it without thinking and then blinked when Alice’s face appeared on the wall of my room.

  “You hang up on me, Hail, and I will fly across the galaxy to kick your ass myself.”

  I blinked again at the unexpected threat, but the tears that appeared in Alice’s eyes stilled any response I could have come up with.

  “I was so afraid,” she whispered. “Not about all this here at home. Though I should have known something like this would happen with your Shiva-damned luck. I was so afraid for you.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Why are you apologizing? For trying to ignore me?” She smiled. “I’ll accept it, then, but you didn’t really think that was going to work, did you? You taught me how not to take no for an answer. Then you up and made me empress.” She shook her head. “Which, by the way, I’m signing documents today to put that crown right back on your head.”

  “Alice—”

  “You don’t get to argue with me, Hail. I’m empress, remember?” Her smile softened. “At least for another hour. I wish I could hug you. Caspel passed on Emmory’s report about what happened. I know I don’t fully understand, I’m not sure any of us could, but I’m here for you.”

  I glanced away from the wall as Emmory came into the room. He spotted Alice, raised an eyebrow at me, and then did a half-assed job muffling a smile when I shrugged helplessly.

  “Good morning, Emmory,” Alice said. “I hope you don’t mind I took matters into my own hands here.”

  “You are allowed to do that as empress, I’m told,” he replied.

  “I was just telling Hail that. Also, that I’m only empress for the next fifty-seven Indranan minutes, so you’ll want to be prepared.” She smiled. “What’s the plan after that, Hail?”

  “You’re not going to like it,” I said, finally finding my voice.

  “That’s entirely possible,” Alice replied, surprising me again. “But you’re in charge and I trust you to do what’s right for the empire.”

  “Even if that means putting our alliance with Faria at risk?”

  Alice didn’t even flinch. “Even then. The Farians were less than helpful after your disappearance, Hail.” She took a deep breath. “You know we can’t afford to go to war, but that doesn’t mean we should continue to roll over for the Farians, and I know all too well about the fracture between Fasé’s group and the Pedalion. Faria is no longer unified in word or deed.”

  I remembered seeing a report from Caspel about a rise in support for Fasé since Earth. “The increase in support for Fasé has grown, hasn’t it?”

  “Yes. They’ve been more vocal and their numbers are increasing both here and back on Faria from what I’ve been told. Caspel has, unofficially, reached out to them with Fasé’s permission. There have been some clashes between—I don’t even know what we should call them. Regular Farians? Pedalion supporters?”

  “I would lean toward the second one myself,” I admitted, and she smiled.

  “There have been clashes. We’ve managed them as best as we can. Thankfully no one on Faria has demanded we turn over any of Fasé’s supporters. I think it’s because they’ve been far too distracted by what happened to you.” Alice’s laugh was strained. “That and the fact that all the Shen and Farian forces seem to have pulled out of the human sectors is the only good news we’ve had lately. Besides your return, that is.”

  I felt a little burst of relief that my insistence back on Sparkos had resulted in tangible results. “So no more fighting?”

  “Not near any human targets, and as far as I can tell the mercenaries are minding their own business.”

  “You’re welcome.” I laughed at the look Alice gave me.

  “I should have known you’d have something to do with it.”

  “I convinced Mia and Aiz that pulling back here was a better plan of action since it seemed clear the Farians were trying to provoke the rest of us into going to war with the Shen by deliberately causing human casualties.”

  “I shouldn’t be surprised,” Alice replied with a shake of her head. “Adora wanted us to declare war on the Shen after you were taken. I told her no and also that her time would be better spent looking for you rather than trying to tell me how to run my empire.”

  I didn’t bother to hide the grin that spread over my face at the thought of how frustrated Adora must be right now with Alice, who’d defied her wishes not once but twice. Then I sobered. I was going to have to get my thoughts in order on this whole situation and fast.

  “Alice, if Adora coms you again, tell her I am safe and will speak with her about resuming the negotiations as soon as possible.”

  “You’re, but I thought—” She fumbled. “Emmory said you were going to Faria to fight gods.”

  “Not if I can help it,” I said. “Yes, we’re going to Faria. But to resume the negotiations, I’m just planning on bypassing the Pedalion entirely. Though obviously Adora doesn’t need to know that. These gods of theirs are the ones in charge and they are the ones I need to speak with.” I lifted a shoulder in a gesture that looked more nonchalant than it truly was. “If they won’t listen to me, well that’s a whole other bridge to cross.”

  Alice nodded. “Very well, Majesty. I will continue to handle things here and I wish you all the blessings of the gods in this task.”

  I accepted the formality and the blessing with a nod of my own. “I’ll speak to you again soon. Thank you, Alice.” I looked to Emmory after I ended the call. “What’s that look for?”

  “No concern?”

  “For what? Oh.” I glanced back at the wall and shrugged. “That she’s not who she says she is?” I shook my head. “Alice didn’t die, unless I missed some catastrophic event on Pashati while I was gone, and the feed code was real.”

  “Ah.” He smiled. “How are you?”

  “I had a breakdown about the shower this morning. So, back to normal?”

  “You’re being very honest with me about all this, Majesty.”

  “It seems like a good idea?” I replied, reaching for my now cold chai.

  “It makes me wonder what you’re not sha
ring.”

  “Ouch.” I held his gaze over the rim of the cup. “I’m reasonably sure you don’t want a running tally of my thoughts, Ekam. That wouldn’t do either of us much good.”

  “Fair enough. Do you want me to tell the others about you resuming the throne or would you rather do it?”

  “I’ll do it. We should probably all be on the same page as to what the plan is before we meet up with Aiz tomorrow.”

  “What is the plan?”

  “Convince Aiz to come with us to Faria. Somehow get in to see these so-called gods and negotiate some kind of peace between three warring factions of aliens?”

  “And the bit about what’s coming if you and Aiz don’t kill these gods?”

  “I don’t know.” I made a face. “In all honesty I think it’s going to end up in a fight no matter what I try, Emmy. In which case the plan is kill the gods, which should stop the bad things from killing us all.”

  Emmory gave me the Look. “I was hoping for a little more detail.”

  “I have had little time to plan.” I lifted my shoulders. “I don’t think convincing Aiz of the first part of my plan will be that hard, but deciding who’s going to be in charge will. I’ll probably have to fight him to get him to come with us. And I don’t know if I can beat him.”

  I don’t want you to watch me fight.

  Those words hovered in my throat and I looked away from Emmory, sliding my hand free of his grip to wrap my arms around my waist.

  “I could just shoot him.”

  The suggestion was so very like Emmory, and the laugh that erupted out of my throat startled us both.

  “I’m not going to lie,” I managed, still laughing. “The look on his face would be priceless. But, no, as tempting as that is, it wouldn’t solve anything. This is a fight for dominance and you can’t interfere. I have to be the one to fight and to win. Two rival crews trying to work a job together. The politics of that—”

  “Get messy. We interrupting?” Hao asked from the doorway.

  Emmory got to his feet. “No. Just talking. I’m going to go find Zin. Start thinking of an actual plan, Majesty. We need one.”