by K. B. Wagers
“Connection,” I murmured, and forced myself to look back at the chart.
“Do you believe this will work?” she asked.
“I have to,” I replied, still studying the stars and telling myself I wouldn’t look at her again until my heart stopped its erratic beat. “So many lives at stake—”
She leaned up, kissing me so quickly I was half convinced I imagined it as she turned for the door. I caught her by the wrist and pulled her back, staring down at her as my heart thundered in my chest.
“Since I can’t see the future. Give me this just in case,” I murmured, and lowered my mouth to hers.
39
Hail, are you up?” Hao’s quiet question over our com link woke me, and I rolled over. “I didn’t want to barge in there again and embarrass you.” There was laughter in his voice.
“You’re going to be as smug about this as you were with Portis, aren’t you?”
“Yes.”
“I hate you. Yes, I’m up. Give me five minutes and I’ll meet you in the mess hall.” I slid from the bed, trailing a hand over Mia’s bare back with a smile. “Don’t get up,” I said at her sleepy murmur. “It’s early. I’m going to go see what Hao wants.”
She settled back to sleep with a soft sigh. My heart twisted and I blinked away the tears as I headed into the bathroom. When Portis had died, I’d been so sure I would never feel that way again. Even through the chaos of my return home and all the ensuing madness, my love for him—my grief for him—had remained a constant.
“I’m going to miss you forever,” I whispered to his ghost. “But it’s time to let go.”
I know. I love you, baby.
What I felt for Mia wasn’t the same, I already knew that, just like I’d known I couldn’t ever love another man as Portis had breathed his last in my arms. But there was something in my heart, and it wasn’t a painful tangle of sharp-edged wire but a sun-warmed afternoon on the beach. Still and peaceful. Like coming home.
The mess hall was mostly empty, a few scattered groups of surprisingly mixed Shen and Farians getting in one last breakfast before we headed for Faria. Hao looked up and a smile spread across his face.
I braced myself for the inevitable lecture, but all my brother did was gesture for me to bend down. He reached up and cupped my face in his hands, pulling me down and kissing my forehead.
“‘Rare are the moments of happiness, blown away like cherry blossoms in a breeze.’”
I hugged him, tears pricking at my eyelids. “You’re getting all sappy, quoting poetry at me,” I said as I stepped back.
“It’s good to see some light back in your eyes.” He waved at the table. “I made us breakfast. I wanted to talk.”
“That sounds ominous.” I swung a leg over the bench and sat.
Hao grinned. “No more so than what we’ve been dealing with.” He grabbed for his fork.
“This seems decidedly un-Farian.” Breakfast was eggs over rice with a spice I couldn’t identify. “Did you cook?”
“I was restless this morning, you know how it is. I made Emmory stop for supplies before we left the Solarian Conglomerate space. It’s where Stasia found your tea. The kitchen was stocked well enough, but—” He made a face. “Some of what the Farians and Shen eat is questionable and when you multiply that by space-travel rations I wasn’t interested in spending however long it took to get to you without some familiar foods.”
“What’s on your mind?”
“I don’t like this plan,” he said, taking a bite and chewing, then swallowing before he continued. “It’s got a high risk of death and a low payoff.”
“I don’t either, but it’s the only plan we have.”
“You and I know that’s never a good enough excuse.”
I sighed and pointed my fork at him. “We’re not talking about some job, Hao. We’re talking about the safety of the galaxy.”
“It’s no different.” He shook his head. “You keep your crew safe, always. If you can’t, you don’t do the job. All of us marching in there together is too damn risky. I don’t trust the Farians and neither do you.”
“Do you have a better idea?” I asked. He stared at me, an eyebrow raised; I ignored it and continued. “Because I don’t and I’m trying to keep my crew safe, Hao. It’s all I’ve ever done. It’s just gotten a bit bigger over the last few months.”
“Beo-max,” he said, and resumed eating.
I blinked at him in confusion. “What?”
“Do you remember when we busted Kasai out of Beo-max?”
I leaned back in my seat and frowned at him. Tall, willowy Kasai was a master thief and an old friend of Hao’s. She’d gotten scooped up on an unrelated charge by the Suvani government and sent to Beo-max, a maximum-security prison on Mars thanks to an extradition treaty with the Solarians.
We’d busted her out.
Or, more accurately, Portis and I had gone in through the front posing as lawyers for Johnquin Stronge, a notorious hatchet man for some of the worst crime families in the Solarian Conglomerate.
What Hao hadn’t told me was that Johnquin was exceedingly suspicious of new faces—a prudent trait among someone who could have easily spilled enough trash to put most of the mob bosses on death row. When two new lawyers had shown up without any warning, he lost his shit.
During the ensuing chaos, Hao had slipped in through the guard entrance and back out again with Kasai in tow.
“I almost got killed.” I pointed at him. “You almost got killed. I had to talk Portis down from going after you every day for a month, and you know how hard it was to get him that angry.”
“He was pretty pissed.” Hao chuckled. “I slept with a gun for weeks hoping I wasn’t going to have to shoot him because I knew you’d never forgive me.” He laid his fork down and looked at me. “I’m serious, though. I want a backup plan for when things go inevitably to shit, and you don’t need me there for the negotiations. We’ve all been caught up in choosing between sneaking in and kicking in the door—why not both?
“You and Fasé and the Cevallas go in the front and distract them. Sybil and I, maybe Talos, too—I like him. We go in the back and poke around a bit, rally Fasé’s supporters while you’re distracting them with these negotiations and the challenge to their gods. Then when things go sideways we’re in a position to cause as much of a domestic disturbance as we can.”
I laughed. “You always did like the go-in-and-blow-things-up plan.”
“It gets attention where it needs to be.” Hao shrugged. “We’ll stay aboard the ship and disembark after you’ve led the greeting party away. It’ll allow us to move freely and see what we can learn. Fasé can do her whole ‘I’ve returned’ recruitment drive ahead of time and introduce us to her people so that we can do our work while you’re doing your diplomat thing.”
I snorted with laughter. “You and the Shen are going to be rather conspicuous on Faria.”
“We wouldn’t make it three meters if any of us looked like ourselves. We’ve got that handled.”
“And you’re okay about going in with Sybil?” I asked Hao.
“If she’s telling the truth about being on our side, it could work in our favor,” he replied. “We’ll have her throw the Pedalion a few false leads and keep them out of our hair even further.”
“If she’s not?”
Hao’s look was one I’d seen only a handful of times before. “I’ll kill her, Hail. I know it won’t be permanent but it’ll buy us some time.”
“Fine.” I blew out a breath. “It’s not a bad idea, and for what it’s worth you’re right. Splitting up is safer. Since you lot won’t let me go in on my own.”
“Never again if I can help it.” He held a hand out and I slid my fingers over his palm. He closed his hand on my forearm, squeezed once. “Does she make you happy?”
Tears pricked at my eyelids again. “It was unexpected. You know that feeling when you get back to your ship after being away for too long?”
His lips tw
itched as he tried to hold in a smile. “I would suggest not using that line on her.”
“You are such a brat.” I laughed. “She makes me happy.”
“Good.” He squeezed my arm once more and then got to his feet. “Finish your breakfast, sha zhu.”
I shot him a dirty look, but smiled when he grinned back and leaned down to kiss the top of my head. “I love you.”
“Same goes.”
“Hey, Hao?” He paused by the dish return and I picked up my fork again. “I don’t think I’ve said it yet, but I’m glad you and Gita made up.”
“Now who’s a brat?” His laughter lingered in the air after he’d left the room.
I finished my breakfast. Not because I was actually hungry but because it gave me something to do as I sifted through the information Barry had sent me.
Jamison’s crew was off Earth, which wasn’t a surprise. Even if the Solarian officials didn’t know who was responsible for the attack on not one but two protected areas, someone was bound to figure that out. They wouldn’t find him. If Jamison was good at anything, it was running away and hiding until the smoke cleared.
“Hail?”
I looked up, my heart doing a funny little dance at the sight of Mia in the doorway. “Good morning.”
“I thought you were with Hao?”
“I was, he just left.” I caught Mia by the wrist, tugged her down next to me. “How did you sleep?”
She hummed, leaning into me, and I didn’t see a reason to resist the opportunity to kiss her again.
“I haven’t had a chance to ask you this, but are you all right? What happened with Hamah was hard.”
“Isn’t that supposed to be my line?” she asked, looking up at me with a smile. The warmth of it was like stepping onto a planet after a month in space and feeling real air and sunlight on my skin. “I’m sorry he hurt you.”
“He was your friend. I’m sorry he betrayed you.”
Mia dragged in a breath; it hitched as she fought with the tears I could see gathering in her eyes. “He did not understand that this is the way things must be. I thought it was settled long ago. I thought he believed in the cause, not just in me. And maybe he did. But he lost his way. Worse still, he tried to blame you for it when you have never given him cause to do so.”
“I gave him plenty of cause,” I whispered. “Haven’t I said over and over I don’t think we should do this?”
Mia smiled. “And yet here we are, and when the time comes you will do what is necessary, what is right.”
It was a relief to know that our definitions of what was right happened to circle around the same things. I didn’t know how long that was going to last, but I wanted it for as long as the universe would allow it.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“What did Aiz mean when he said Hamah couldn’t protect you from the end of this? That no one could but me?”
She looked away, eyes darting around the mess hall.
“Mia.” I made her name into a warning and saw the flash of determination in her eyes that rose to answer it.
“This is a difficult path for all of us, Hail. I am not exempt from that.”
“What is going to happen? What have you seen?”
Mia closed her eyes for a moment before she turned her head back to me. “This I will not share, Hail. You have so much to carry already; I swore to myself at the beginning of all this I would do what I could to not add to it.”
“But if I—”
“No.” She cut me off with fingers on my lips. “You need to go into this without the knowledge, because it won’t help you. It will only make the choice more difficult.”
I stared at her for a long moment, but it was clear Mia wasn’t going to budge and I finally caved with a sigh. “Fine. One other thing?”
“Go on.”
“I caught most of what Hamah said while he was attacking me, but he called me avedélcion, and I don’t know what that means.”
Mia frowned, reaching for my hand. “It means ‘abomination.’ I’m sorry, I don’t know why—”
“Don’t worry about it.” I squeezed her fingers and lifted a shoulder. “He was angry, it’s an easy word to use.” Even as I brushed it off, that itch in the back of my head continued to bother me.
“I wish I were less worried about all this,” Mia whispered.
I leaned in, pressing my forehead to hers with a smile. “The worry is a good thing. Trust me. The last thing you ever want to do is go into a job thinking everything is already wrapped up in a bow for you. That’s how people die.”
This close I could see the darker gray shards of color in her eyes and a thousand things rolled through my head, discarded unsaid until I could find the words important enough to give life to them.
“Because I know things will get chaotic and I might not get a chance to say this: Please stay safe,” I whispered, cupping her face in my hands. “I am not sure I would survive the loss of you.”
Mia reached up, wrapping her fingers around my wrists. “Whatever happens, know I would have made these same choices a million times over.” She kissed me and the world outside us ceased to exist.
I wanted to stay there forever. Away from the impending fight. With no trace of the catastrophes bearing down on us. But as Aiz had said, that wasn’t our lives, and somewhere deep in my gut I knew we were headed for a fight.
40
Emmory found us in the mess hall and walked with us back to my rooms. I was as awkward as a schoolgirl with a crush walking with my Ekam on one side and Mia on the other. “Emmory, Hao and I talked over another idea I think you need to hear.”
“He discussed it with me and Fasé yesterday.”
I frowned at him. “Without me?”
There wasn’t a trace of expression on Emmory’s face. “You were occupied.”
Bugger me, I’d walked right into that one. Slanting a glance at Mia, who was smiling, I picked a noncommittal noise as a response and crossed over the threshold of my room. Mia stopped where she was and leaned against the jamb.
“I agree with Hao, for what it’s worth,” Emmory continued. “Splitting up will make things easier and hopefully keep both groups a little safer. Sybil will be able to navigate Faria better, and rallying Fasé’s people to our side could be helpful.”
“Someone talk to you also, or do I need to fill you in on this?” I asked Mia.
Mia’s smile didn’t waver. “I missed the meeting last night.”
Emmory snorted in amusement. I closed my eyes, feeling my cheeks heat, and dropped into a chair. “Hao thinks it will be a good idea to have a small force sync up with Fasé’s people just in case. He suggested Talos.” I looked at Emmory. “Gita should go also, to help keep Hao out of trouble.”
“And the point of this?” Mia asked.
“The general plan is to rally Fasé’s people and see if they can’t find some leverage for us just in case we need it. I’m leaving the specifics of this up to him. We’re hoping the Farians will be so distracted by our arrival they won’t see them coming.”
“It’s a good idea.” Mia nodded. “I’ll go find Talos and speak with him.”
I thought she was going to kiss me and was surprised how disappointed I was when she didn’t. I watched her leave the room, and dared a glance in Emmory’s direction.
“You don’t need my approval, Hail.”
“I know.” I rubbed my hands over my face, so the response was muffled. “I know.” Dropping my hands, I looked up at the ceiling and then back down. “Emmory, what am I doing?”
“If you mean about her, you’ll have to ask Zin.” He pointed at the door. “That’s not my department. But if you mean all of this?” He leaned a hip on the desk. “If everyone’s to be believed, you’re fulfilling your destiny. No one’s come right out and put it that way, but the writing is clear enough. The better question is, what do you want to be doing?”
The laugh hurt and I caught myself rubbing at my
chest wishing for a knife for the first time in a while. “I wanted to stay away, but Portis died and you made me go home. I wanted to keep my empire out of the hands of a madman, and I guess I succeeded at that?”
“You did.” Emmory’s rare smile eased the ache in my chest.
“Everywhere I turn it feels like violence is just around the corner. I can’t get clear. I can’t walk away. I meant what I said to Caterina. I want this to be done and for us to go live in peace afterward.” I blew out a breath and hooked my hands behind my head as I looked up at him. “Between you and me, I know fighting the gods is the best option to stop what’s coming. But the cost? I’m afraid, Emmory.”
“Of what?”
“Of what that fight will do to me.” I swallowed, surprised by the tears suddenly clogging my throat. “When I fight, it’s like tearing off little pieces of myself. I can’t stop doing it. When I thought you all were dead, I didn’t mind. I didn’t want to be me anymore.”
“Hail—”
“I can’t quit, though, can I?” I dropped my hands, frustration overtaking me, and I pushed out of my chair with a hiss. “Hai Ram. I can’t be so fucking selfish as to condemn the galaxy just because I don’t want to have a fistfight with a god!”
“The irony is that you try to downplay it, like having a fight with a god is just an ordinary afternoon for you.” It wasn’t Emmory who responded, but Zin, and I spun on my heel to face him. He was standing in the doorway but reached out and tapped the panel, closing it behind him. “I could hear you down the corridor and I suspect you don’t want our Shen friends to catch wind of your indecision.”
“I think you’d be surprised,” I replied with a shrug. “Aiz and Mia both seem like they’re hoping for a nonviolent resolution to this. Anyway, it’s not indecision.”
He gave me the Look and I blinked at him.
“You’ve been practicing, or I’ve really gone completely off the deep end. Fine, it is indecision, at least in part. I am tired of fighting.”
“I don’t blame you,” Zin said. He reached out and took my hands, pulling me into a hug. “I don’t blame you, Hail. And it’s not selfish, whatever you think.”