Table 4.1: The Five Levels of Emotional Intelligence
Self-Mastery
1. Self-Awareness
You recognize and understand your own moods, motivations, and triggers and your impact on others.
Indicators: Self-confident, able to laugh at oneself, aware of flaws and others’ perceptions of self.
2. Self-Regulation
You are able to control your reactions and think before you act or speak.
Indicators: Conscientious, adaptable, responsive (vs. reactive), emotionally mature.
3. Self-Motivation
You are resilient and persevere even when things don’t go well. You are internally motivated.
Indicators: Initiative, commitment, perseverance, optimism, drive.
Social Mastery
4. Empathy
You are in tune with people’s emotions. You understand their reactions and can read their nonverbal cues.
Indicators: Perceptive, sensitive, intuitive, observant, show interest in others’ needs.
5. Social Skill
You build rapport and find common ground. You build relationships and networks. You are influential with group decision-making.
Indicators: Strong communication and listening skills, persuasive, manage conflicts and diffuse volatile situations, inspirational.
The good news is, all of these qualities can be improved upon; they are not innate. American Express reported that employees who had undergone emotional intelligence training increased their sales 20% over those who hadn’t. 1 You can improve self-awareness by asking for feedback (and being open to it from literally anyone), becoming aware of your triggers, recognizing your stress levels, and taking time to reflect. To build your social mastery, pay attention to nonverbal communication and hone your listening skills. Authenticity and higher self-esteem are every bit as trainable and worth attempting to increase even if they are qualities you already possess.
Stay Open
We all have our blind spots—an inability to make judgments about a particular issue or person, even though we may generally have sound judgment. Though it can be difficult to acknowledge our blind spots about others, it is even harder to realize them about ourselves. Part of staying open is to be aware of our own blind spots and be willing to reduce them. This is best modeled by the Johari Window developed by psychologists Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham in 1955 to help people better understand their relationship with themselves and others. The “window” has four quadrants as shown in Figure 4.2, 2 which categorizes knowledge based on what is known by ourselves and known by others.
Figure 4.2: The Johari Window
Known by Self
Unknown by Self
Known by Others
I
OPEN
II
BLIND
Unknown by Others
III
HIDDEN
IV
UNKNOWN
The goal is to enlarge your open quadrant (quadrant I), those things that are known by you and by others. It requires self-disclosure, shared discovery, and vulnerability to increase your openness.
Quadrant II represents your blind spot and includes information others know about you that you don’t realize about yourself. To lessen your blind spot, start by seeking feedback. Asking for feedback is not the same as taking it in. I define feedback simply as information—and not all information is valuable. You do need to consider your sources and the consistency of the feedback you receive. View feedback as a gift. It is not always easy to hear, but often the information is invaluable. A few tips for receiving feedback:
Absorb what you are hearing. Take it in and listen without explaining or defending, and watch your body language.
Ask questions. Probe deeper into what is said; ask for examples so you can truly understand.
Acknowledge and agree. Summarize what you heard and select something specific to agree with. There is usually something you will agree with.
Appreciate and invite. Say thank-you—they took a risk to provide you with information. Appreciate their candor and invite them to continue to provide feedback.
Apply. Put the feedback to use and, if appropriate, let them know how you implemented their feedback.
The third quadrant is known to yourself but not known to others. This is what you keep hidden from others. Perhaps these are areas of insecurity or you are being cautious with those you don’t yet trust. These are the things you are not open about or not accepting about yourself, and you are likely putting on a facade and not showing up authentically. Self-disclosure and building trust will assist in shrinking this quadrant. In the last quadrant are things that aren’t known to you or to anyone else around you—this is the unknown. I think of this as the “I don’t know what I don’t know” quadrant. It is important to remember no matter how much we do know, there is always more to learn and share. I find this quadrant motivating and humbling at the same time. Reflection, self- and shared discovery will lessen this quadrant.
The framework of the Johari Window can be intimidating. I recall a time when I thought being closed-off was advantageous. I claimed it kept me safe and comfortable. I truly thought it worked for me until someone I respected told me it didn’t. I listened, but it took time. It’s up to you to stay open: open to people, open to possibilities.
Accept Yourself
Accept yourself?! Hopefully your first thought is, “I already do!” Great, that is the goal. But perhaps you had a second thought and there is a part of you asking, “How the hell do I do that?” Or even “What does that mean?” Personally, both thoughts jump to my mind. I have come a long way from the doubt, self-deprecation, and self-criticism of my challenged childhood. Now I accept my unique charms as part of what makes me, me. However, that doesn’t stop my brain from being hard on myself nor does it completely silence my inner judge and jury.
Part of accepting yourself is forgiving yourself. We all mess up; we’re human. If you know you are having a bad day, feeling stressed out, it’s perfectly okay to keep to yourself. Avoidance can be a good thing if it’s for the right reasons, and giving yourself a break is allowed. Another option is to see and acknowledge the humor in the situation—you can make a joke and make fun of the state you’re in, because it increases awareness for others and forgiveness.
It works great in personal as well as professional settings. Everyone gets a little cranky some days. For me, a lack of sleep puts me in a mood. For my husband, it is lack of food. I think hangry should be his middle name. Whoever “calls it” gets to be cranky without making the other person angry. Over the weekend, I turned to my husband and said, “I’m angry at you and I have no good reason to be,” and then laughed. He laughed back, because he knows it’s not personal. This is part of self-awareness—you know when you’re not in a good place, and acknowledging it to those around you can help. Letting them know you’re aware of your own mood ups their chances of accepting it and not taking it personally. Shared awareness increases shared acceptance. When you’re open, you’re more accepting and accepted.
And if you’ve done something you regret, don’t sweat it. Apologize. Everyone has their moments. For example, I asked my 10-year-old son to vacuum up some foam ball pieces one of our dogs had shredded all over the floor. He’s very curious how things work and decided to open up the Dustbuster, sending dirt all over our cream-colored carpet. My first reaction was annoyance and frust
ration. He got upset, because I don’t raise my voice a lot, or I try not to. I fixed the vacuum, he vacuumed up the mess, and I apologized for overreacting. I reminded us both, “It’s just dirt!” He said he overreacted too, and it was all over. It’s worth remembering that in those moments when we can’t control ourselves and things get away from us, we can still recover.
Acknowledgment, accountability, ownership, and recovery are all elements of acceptance. You can say you realize that what you said or did wasn’t cool. It doesn’t erase the fact that you did it, but you can acknowledge that what you did was wrong and that you’ll try harder next time. If it’s become a pattern, it helps to have a plan to change your actions so that those don’t become empty promises. For example, if I’m needlessly upset about something, I try to shift my energy and find the good in the situation. You can go to the happy or calming place in your head to calm yourself. Sometimes writing your thoughts down can help release the anger or frustration. Another option is a good old-fashioned scream in your car or house where no one can hear you. It can feel great and healthy to release those feelings when nobody’s around!
Not all of these tactics work in every situation, or for every person. You need to choose what is effective for the situation you’re in, and give these ideas and concepts an honest effort and attempt. The first three times you try anything, it’s uncomfortable and awkward and you don’t want to do it. It will take you trying something five to six times before you can really judge it, and by then you’ll be able to get a good sense of whether or not this can be one of your tools.
Mindset Mission
Increase Awareness and Act on It
Lindsay Johnson, the Radical Connector (TheRadicalConnector.com), says, “Self-acceptance isn’t about hiding parts of yourself; it is about understanding it and working with it.” I love her saying, “The most important connection you will make is the connection to yourself.” That’s why I reached out to her as an expert in self-acceptance. She agrees that you can’t and don’t necessarily want to change who you are. But she promotes the need to understand it, work with it, and sometimes adapt it—so that you can grow.
Lindsay divulged her reason for being is “moving people from a place of comparison, competition, and self-judgment toward fully understanding and loving themselves.” Lindsay was the epitome of open when she shared her story and perspective with me. That is where she has gotten in her life, but that wasn’t always the case.
“I was raised in a household where being myself was not only discouraged and punished, it often had violent and destructive consequences,” she shares. “I learned at an early age that being myself was not safe.”
Lindsay highlights that the world around us doesn’t make it easy to feel accepted when media, advertising, and even fairy tales often bombard us with messages of shame, exclusion, and mockery. The world seems to tell people that who we are is not okay, so “buy this product!” or “try this solution!”
The result, Lindsay explains, is that countless people don’t feel safe in who they are. When you don’t feel safe, you play small and become invisible, or you hide who you are in order to fit in. Finding self-acceptance doesn’t happen in an instant, she says—it is a journey of uncovering your true self under the layers of masks you may have worn over the years.
Self-acceptance takes time and practice. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Give yourself permission to look at yourself differently, creatively, and, as Lindsay calls it, with radical self-acceptance. To get started, I adapted an exercise Lindsay shared with me that she uses with clients to “begin to peel away the masks of who you thought you had to be and connect with who you really are.” This exercise is intended to increase your awareness and enable action.
Step 1: Stop Apologizing and Self-Criticizing. Easier said than done? For a week, try writing down every time you apologize when you haven’t done anything wrong. When you are mentally beating yourself up for something you did or did not do or say. You may also want to keep track of when you don’t ask for what you want or need. This will increase your awareness of the situations and frequency. Awareness is the first step in initiating a shift.
Step 2: Connect with Your Confidence. To shift your thinking, note each moment in your day that you felt confident or proud. What were you doing? How did others respond to you? What about the environment or people enabled that feeling? Take notice of the positive impact you have on those around you. Create a mental picture that you can reference in times when your confidence wanes.
Step 3: Take Action. Once you recognize situations when you feel your best self, consider how you can create opportunities to access your confidence. Whether by the type of task, the people you interact with, or the opportunities you get involved in. Stretch yourself outside your comfort zone to continue to expand and grow your confidence—which enables self-acceptance. Give yourself permission to do or ask for something you have been wanting. Instead of talking yourself out of it, talk yourself into it. Visualize yourself doing it and your ideal outcome, then go for it!
Be Accepting of Others
Once you’re more accepting of yourself, it is easier to be accepting of others. When you admit that you’re flawed, it becomes easier to handle flaws in others. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. We’re all quick to jump to conclusions and judge. That’s not a bad thing—it’s our gut instinct, and that’s okay. We are not seeking to be judgmental. Most of the time, we are just being efficient. But to be truly open and accepting, we need to be aware of the possibility that we may be wrong.
Slow Your Thinking Down
I encourage people to stay in a place of curiosity rather than conclusion. It is difficult to slow down your fast-thinking mind enough to stay curious. I use four questions to help keep an open mind. You do not have to ask yourself all four questions every time; any one of them will get you closer to curiosity and keep you open to evolve your conclusions.
The concept of slowing down your thinking is partially about giving your brain time to draw a more educated assessment of the situation, rather than a quick and potentially incorrect judgment. When you are in a situation where the interpretation of events and behaviors can have an impact on relationships, collaboration, or results of any kinds, consider testing that evaluation with these four questions:
What don’t I know?
How else could I interpret it?
What if I am wrong?
Do I want to be right?
Know You Don’t Know It All
Question 1. What don’t I know? About this situation, person, what they’ve done or why they have done it? You don’t know what you don’t know, and sometimes you need to remind yourself that you may not have all the information. I read a fascinating article in the Harvard Business Review about gaps in our knowledge: when asked, most people find they can’t explain the workings of everyday things they think they understand. 3 I put myself to the test and you can too. Find an object you use daily (a stapler, a phone, a zipper) and try to describe the particulars of how it works. You’re likely to discover unexpected gaps in your knowledge. Researchers from Yale University described the phenomenon of when people feel they understand something with greater precision, coherence, and depth than they really do as the illusion of explanatory depth. 4
I share this to remind you (and myself) that we just don’t know it all. By simply asking, “What don’t I know?” you stay open to taking in additional information before forming your assessment.
Check Your Assumptions at the Door
Question 2. How else can I interpret the situation? Another form of the question is, “What could be another reason for someone’s actions?” For example, if your employee or coworker is late for work, rather than thinking “Slacker! Irresponsible! Disrespectful!” come up with another reason for their tardiness. Maybe the day care center didn’t open on time, their car broke down, they’re not a morning person, but they work super lat
e, or aliens came from outer space and took them for a ride.
The trick with this question is not to convince yourself that the alternatives are the truth, just to slow down long enough to realize that there are alternatives to your evaluation of the situation. You don’t even have to come up with realistic reasons—sometimes you just need to think of the possibilities. It slows thinking down, and that’s the goal.
Be Open to Being Wrong
Question 3. What if I am wrong? That’s a powerful thought when you consider the speed at which you draw conclusions. Say someone bumps into you and keeps walking. You take that experience and assess the motives or intent of the person with no additional data. You then affix meaning based on your past experiences, assumptions, and beliefs. The next time you see them, you may snub them or avoid them. The result is you act toward them as if your conclusion is fact.
The thinking process that you go through, usually without realizing it, to get from a fact or experience to a decision or action is described by organizational psychologist Chris Argyris as climbing the Ladder of Inference. 5 By recognizing the rungs in the ladder, you can climb back down and stay open to being wrong in your initial race to the top. You can see the steps in the thinking process in Figure 4.3.
The Connector’s Advantage Page 6