Figure 4.3: The Ladder of Inference
Starting at the bottom of the ladder, you observe events from the real world. From there, you:
select facts based on your beliefs and prior experiences;
interpret events and assign personal meaning;
apply your existing assumptions, sometimes without considering them;
draw conclusions based on the interpreted facts and your assumptions;
develop beliefs based on these conclusions; and
take actions that seem right because they are based on what you believe.
Asking yourself questions such as, “Is this the ‘right’ conclusion?” or “Is my judgment of the situation really based on all the facts—or on facts at all?” will continue to serve you in staying open. After all, if you’re wrong in your assumptions, what’s the impact on your relationship and results? Does your interpretation of the events serve you?
Don’t Try to Be Right
Question 4. Do I want to be right? It can be difficult to admit, but no, you’re not right about everything—the good news is, no one is. But we like to be right so we tend to seek out data that supports our foregone conclusion. We choose and interpret information to prove ourselves right. Sometimes we want to be right because “they” can’t be right. We have trouble separating that person that can do no right in your world with the problem or situation at hand.
When you are working through your reasoning, pay attention to the rungs in the ladder to which you tend to jump. Do you make assumptions too easily or select only part of the data? Be aware of your tendencies so you can learn to do that stage of reasoning more carefully in the future. By using the Ladder of Inference, you can learn to get back to the facts and use your beliefs and experiences to positive effect, rather than allowing them to narrow your field of judgment.
Assume Positive Intent
At the heart of it, slowing down your thinking and recognizing when you are climbing the ladder of inference are techniques to enable you to assume positive intent. This is a challenging skill, so think of it as a tool—a tool to increase the likelihood of a more effective exchange. Assuming positive intent is at the crux of being open and accepting. It is the ability to not just be open to the idea but to believe there is a positive intention behind the words and actions of others.
Everyone has bad days, those days when we look at everything with the most negative perspective possible because we are just in that mood. I get it. Think about how that day just gets worse and worse for you. Nothing is going right, probably because you are creating that energy and outcome based on how you are approaching people and your day.
I am by no means a Pollyanna and I do not look at life through rose-colored glasses. I am aware there are many people who do not have good intentions. I do not suggest naïveté. I am by no means recommending you walk around the planet like a fool. You don’t have to think everything is sunny and bright; I just want you to think it’s possible that this situation in front of you could be sunnier and brighter than another interpretation of that same situation. I am promoting the idea that, for the most part, people are good and have good intentions.
Now you may be thinking, “What happens when a colleague has done something that clearly wasn’t very positive?” For example, when a coworker suggests and attempts to take credit for an idea that you already suggested? Calling them out in an attack will only make you look petty. Instead, verbalize it toward a positive path. You might say, “Thank you so much for your support of my idea—I’m really glad we’re aligned on this one.” You’re not saying, “Hey, you stole my idea!” You are positioning it as a positive—that they’re championing you. By acting as if they had positive intent, you cause them to step up to that interpretation.
As I explain in chapter 4 of The 11 Laws of Likability, energy is contagious, and so is positivity. When you bring openness and positive assumptions to your interactions with others, they will have a positive mood memory of you. We all know positive intention isn’t always the case, but trust me: in general, it’s better to give people the benefit of the doubt. It will shift all of your interactions—you’ll be kinder, more understanding, and more willing to listen. You won’t put others in the uncomfortable position of defensiveness. I believe people can rise or fall to your expectations. By assuming the good, you provide someone the invitation to rise to that expectation. As a result, you will find you have a greater ability to connect with others. When you are accepting of yourself and accepting of others, you open up the potential for deeper relationships.
Refresh Your Memory
Authenticity is the core of likability; openness is the foundation for connection.
Awareness is key to self-acceptance. To shift to a Connector mindset, you want to be aware of your strengths, weaknesses, and unique charms.
Unique charms are qualities about yourself that you don’t always love and which sometimes even work against you, but you don’t want to change them.
Flexing is the temporary, sometimes momentary, adjustment of your behavior to increase interpersonal effectiveness in an interaction.
The Johari Window is a model to help people better understand their relationship with themselves and others, which highlights our blind spots. To expand your open quadrant requires self-disclosure, shared discovery, and vulnerability.
The five levels of emotional intelligence cover self-mastery (self-awareness, self-regulation, and self-motivation)—which is your ability to respond well when your emotions are triggered, make good decisions, and overcome challenges—and social mastery, which includes empathy and social skill.
The Ladder of Inference is the thinking process you go through, usually without realizing it, to get from a fact or experience to a decision or action often with untested assumptions.
Slow your thinking down to be more accepting of others. Use these four questions to stay in a place of curiosity rather than conclusion:
What don’t I know?
How else could I interpret it?
What if I am wrong?
>Do I want to be right?
Connectors Have Clear Vision
“If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.”
Lewis Carroll
You Have to Know Where You Are Going to Get There
Clear vision goes along with an open and accepting mindset but takes it further. There are two components to clear vision. First, you have clarity on who you are and how you can be useful—you have high self-esteem. As a Connector, you will have a strong sense of your own strengths, who is in your network, and how you can be valuable to those around you. In a nutshell, you have knowledge and confidence around the value you bring. If this is a challenge, take a look at chapter 2 in The 11 Laws of Likability and try the ideas there. Another option is to download the three words branding exercise from my website at MichelleTillisLederman.com: spend the time to identify your strengths and define your brand.
The second component to clear vision, and perhaps more impactful on your results: you have to know your goals. You are clear on what are you working on, where you want to go, and how you plan to get there. That classic interview question, “Where do you see yourself in 1, 5, and 10 years?” A Connector with clear vision can often answer without hesitation because they have already thought about it and are likely working on it.
If you think of yourself as a Connector and the thought of where you will be in 10 years is a foreign concept, don’t fret. I don’t know either! Vision does not have to be about a long-term plan; it could be about the next step. The idea is that you know what you are working on right now, why you are working on it, and where you want it to lead—even if that is only a six-month target.
To get wherever you dream of going, you have to know exactly where you’re headed. Rare is the traveler who sets out without a map or, these days, a GPS! Conn
ectors know that when they define their vision—say, they want X type of client or X type of skill—they give it power. They create a road map for their goal just by naming it. Self-esteem supports your vision. You believe in yourself, your future accomplishments, and your ability to get there. But first you have to define your goals.
The survey showed Connectors are nearly 1.6 times more likely to feel like they have control over aspects of their life than Non-Connectors. Ask yourself how much you agree with these statements:
“When I make plans, I am almost certain to make them work.”
“I can pretty much determine what will happen in my life.”
“When I get what I want, it’s usually because I worked hard for it.”
“My life is determined by my own actions.”
“Whether or not I get to be a leader depends mostly on my ability.”
More than 80% of the time, Connectors agreed with these statements indicating they feel they get what they want because of their actions. A large part of feeling in control—whether you’re driving a car or driving your career—is knowing exactly where you’re going.
Get Clear
Every year, I write my goals on a Post-it. Yes, my oh-so-formal goals are captured on a three-square-inch piece of paper. That is all I need to contain my entire vision for the next 12 months—or what’s important, anyway. If it doesn’t fit on that sticky note, it doesn’t count as a goal for me. And, theoretically, it doesn’t get my attention. Everyone sets goals in different ways, and there’s no right or wrong way to do it, but keeping it simple helps.
You might consider using a SMARTER goal model for each dream on your career or personal bucket list. There are many variations to the model, though they usually cover these main aspects.
Specific. This is the number-one criterion for making a clear goal. You have to be exact about what you are trying to accomplish. The more specific and broken-down the goal, the higher the probability of achieving it.
Measurable. When setting goals, ask yourself, “How will I know that I did it?” That is your measurement. It is your indicator of progress. Your measurement can be time (do it this fast or by this time), quantity (finish this many or lose this much), frequency (do it this often), quality (do it with this level of accuracy or less than this number of errors, complaints, or returns).
Actionable. Is it something you can do something about? Is there action to be taken to move the goal forward? If so, it is actionable. To be actionable does not mean the action needs to be taken by you. It could be assignable to someone else as a means toward your goal. For example, one of my personal goals is to no longer do the dishes. Therefore, I have to either eliminate the task or assign it to someone else to act on it.
Realistic. Realistic can be tricky. You want a goal to be challenging but achievable. Consider the resources, competing priorities, your knowledge, and time when setting the goal. Stretch yourself, but make it attainable. If it is unrealistic, it can become demotivating.
Timed. Without this aspect, it is just a thought, not a goal. Give yourself a deadline. By when or how long after will you accomplish it? Setting several time-bound steps along the way can help keep you on track.
Most SMART models end here. I advocate a SMARTER model to include two additional factors that are critical to your vision.
Engaging. If the goal is not engaging or meaningful to you, it is hard to be motivated to act on it. This is the “why” behind the “what” of the goal. Ask yourself, “Why is this goal important?” and “Why is it important to me?” Is it something you truly want to do or is it something you feel you should do?
Revisited. This is key. Evaluate your progress, set milestones, and revisit the appropriateness of your goal. If the goal is no longer relevant, realistic, or engaging, why are you doing it? It is okay to reset your goals and move up or back a timeframe with additional information or resources at your disposal. Adjusting your goal is better than abandoning it, if it is still one that makes sense for you.
I personally believe it’s wise to keep goals doable within the next year. It’s when people set goals for 10, 15 years down the road that they struggle. Thinking so far into the future may not help us in the present. You might want kids and a corner office on Wall Street by a certain age, but what are you doing in the next six months to make it happen? Having clear vision is a necessary step to help get you there.
Mindset Mission
Take Action toward a Goal
There are things we think about but don’t actually work toward. I am fond of the saying, “A goal without a deadline is just a dream.”
I had been thinking about writing this book for a while. The idea seemed too big to tackle. I created a laundry list of things I needed to do to get the book done—then picked one. I thought about one thing I could do to work toward it and developed the survey. Then I promoted the survey, then analyzed it, and eventually...
What do you want to accomplish? Take five minutes, and put it on paper. Think of a goal you have, and apply the SMARTER model to refine it. Once you are clear on the goal, the next question to ask yourself is, “What is one small thing I can do to make progress?” Answer these three questions to get yourself started:
What is one thing I can do to make progress toward my goal?
Who is one person who could help me?
When will I take this step?
Now that you put a plan in place, it is time to execute it. When the whole plan is daunting, defining one to-do and checking it off your list feels great. When it’s done, ask the question again. Make it weekly—say, “Every Friday, I’m going to ask, ‘What’s one thing I can do within the next seven days to make progress?’” Get an accountability buddy and set a call once a week to discuss what you’ve done to get closer to each of your goals. Movement begets momentum, so simply start something.
Keep Talking
A clear vision is not just knowing where you want to go but understanding what it will take to get there. There are things a Connector does to move from vision to accomplishment. They will talk about what they’re working on with comfort and ease; they are comfortable asking for help and actually accepting help, which is often harder. Connectors are clear about what would be helpful to them to achieve the goal they are working on.
When I was still in my finance job, I had a goal to start my own business. I did volunteer work for an animal-rescue organization called Stray from the Heart. Every year, we put on the Canine Comedy benefit. A gala event with celebrities, puppies, and lots of volunteers to help. I chaired the event along with my friend, Donna, who was working for JP Morgan at the time. Through our weeks of planning, I had been telling her that I wanted to start my own training and coaching company and how I was working toward it.
The day of the event we had more than 200 volunteers; I didn’t know the name of the guy who approached me and said he worked with Donna as a temp employee and Donna had told him what I was working on. I smiled distractedly as there was so much to do but couldn’t help myself from jumping on the invitation to share. Within minutes, he asked, “Do you want to meet my boss?”
“Who is your boss?” I asked.
“The head of JP Morgan’s investment banking training department.”
I picked my jaw up off the floor, nodded vigorously at a momentary loss for words, and then simply said, “Yes please, thank you!”
That meeting landed me JP Morgan as my first client in my yet-to-be-formed new company, Executive Essentials. I didn’t have business cards yet, I hadn’t filed the LLC paperwork, and I had no website, but I had my first client. My dream was happening because I was clear on it and kept talking about it. Although I can’t remember that guy’s name, I do remember him telling me my energy and passion for what I was working toward was palpable. He said that is what made him make the offer of an introduction.
I have heard pushbac
k on this piece of advice in the past. Either because you don’t want your current company finding out or from fear that someone will steal your idea. Those are perfectly valid concerns, and worth considering. To protect yourself from someone stealing your idea, there are things you can do—both formal and informal—when you’re talking to people. You could have someone sign an NDA or you could file for patent or trademark for a bit of legal protection. You can refrain from talking in specifics. For example, you could tell them you’re looking for someone to design a wireframe for your app, and you don’t have to reveal what the app idea is. If you don’t want people at work to know what you’re secretly working on, no problem. Be selective—only tell the people you truly trust, and let them know it’s confidential. Alternatively, only share it with people outside your industry for a bit of separation.
When I was transitioning from my finance career into this one, I knew I was on the right track because I couldn’t stop talking about it. What I was working on was exciting and interesting to me, and the more someone asked about it, the more enthusiastic I became in my response. If you don’t want to talk about what you are doing (excepting those times when an NDA or current company position prevents it), maybe you aren’t doing the thing you really want to do. People feel your enthusiasm and they’ll want to jump on board. But if you are not feeling it, they won’t be either. So talk, and keep talking.
Accept Help
People don’t always feel comfortable accepting help, much less asking for it. Some Connectors can have a hard time with it too. I know I do. I’m really good at giving help and dispensing my hard-learned experiences and expertise, but I struggle with accepting help, even when it’s offered. If you are thinking that sounds like you, ever wonder why?
The Connector’s Advantage Page 7