We all have fears, so I appreciated it when Jordan asserts that “fear is okay. There is no shame with the fear.” He advises you deconstruct the shame around it. For most people, he explains, it is the realization that we act out of fear because we don’t necessarily have enough trust in ourselves... yet!
Don’t Judge Yourself in Relation to Other People
Part of trusting yourself, your skills, and your value is to stop the constant comparison against others. We judge ourselves in relation to other people and make ourselves feel better or worse as a result. Building internal confidence will help access an abundant mindset.
Jordan suggests you look to build other pillars of security. He admits, “I used to withhold things. I realized I was doing that because I was worried about other people getting ahead of me, and then what was I going to do? They’re going to get an interview and they’re going to do a better one, and then I’m going to lose my listeners and I’m going to be out of a job.”
Jordan had to contend with the catastrophic story he had spun. To do that, he asked himself, “How else besides being miserable and hoarding all my good relationships, which I know has negative consequences, can I remedy that?” Jordan’s answer was to get really good at interviewing and at producing the show. And he is! I’ve done hundreds of interviews, and my first time on his show he took me completely off-guard. It was a totally different interview than I had given before. I remember thinking, “I am giving the worst interview ever.” It turned out to be one of my best! Jordan no longer worries about losing listeners because somebody else has the same guest. As he puts it, “Because I work on the part that I bring to the table, and not just the part the guest brings to the table, I become irreplaceable. I bring the value myself.” If your only pillar of security is your relationships, you don’t want to share them. Other pillars of security could be confidence in your expertise, a competency you have, or anything you find where you have a strength.
The good news is, it doesn’t have to be a unique strength. I remind myself of this all the time when I can’t help but compare myself to other speakers. I admire someone’s exacting word choice, the tightness with which they tell a story, the structure and organization end to end. An abundant perspective enables me to realize there can be other great speakers out there and that doesn’t minimize what I can do. It’s really a self-comparison, not a comparison to other people. Remind yourself, “I am good at this.” Whatever this is for you. And it doesn’t matter if other people are good at it or better, all that matters is that you are good at it. Feeling a sense of competency enables what Jordan refers to as “situational confidence.” True confidence doesn’t depend on what other people have. Get rid of the if/then mentality: If they are good, then I am bad or if they are not skilled, then my skills will shine. He hits the nail on the head: “It’s not about beating other people; it’s about seeing the value you are creating.”
Allow Others to Shine
It is natural to evaluate yourself against other people at work; after all, that is what your boss is doing when deciding who to promote. I will never tell you to minimize yourself, silence yourself, or negate your contributions. Step into the spotlight and don’t be afraid to shine. As you climb higher up the metaphorical ladder, allowing others to shine reflects an abundant perspective.
Transitioning from being an individual contributor to a manager of people is a time of uncertainty. You are used to doing it all yourself and feel the sense of accomplishment in getting the job done. But the job you have now is different. You are now evaluated on what you accomplish with and through other people. You are performing well when your team performs well; it is a hard shift to make.
One of my coaching clients was in this situation and struggled with how much to take on herself. Her superiors told me she was too invested in the details and needed to learn to let others be the experts. My advice to her was to give the people on her team the chance to shine. Even if she thought she could accomplish a particular task better and faster, she had to stand back and allow her colleagues the chance. One simple way to do that is to literally take a step back in meetings—to put yourself in the back seat in the room. This positioned her team as the ones who would answer the questions, and she jumped in only when needed.
You can still have authority when you’re giving the floor to someone else, and especially when you’re praising them in front of your team. When you shine the light on others, it reflects back on you. As a manager, there’s nothing better than a glowing, happy, and highly functioning team.
Give Credit
Giving credit is another way to allow others to shine and to remove the constant comparison between yourself and others. In one of the most comprehensive studies about job satisfaction, Boston Consulting Group surveyed more than 200,000 people around the world. They found the number-one factor for employee happiness on the job is being appreciated for their work. 1 Recognizing other people in big and small ways goes a long way to building the relationship and maintaining an abundant mindset.
The acknowledgment does not have to be for a monumental accomplishment. My son recently decided to become a vegetarian. He is already a picky eater and is sensitive to dairy. Overwhelmed by the limited options of what to feed him, I asked my sitter for advice. She researched how to cook tofu and brought in rice and beans leftover from her own dinner for him to try. I thanked her for going above and beyond to help us figure out how to honor his vegetarian preference. That simple statement garnered a huge smile and the look of satisfaction and pride stayed with her for hours.
Giving credit means just as much to entrepreneurs, who may not have an opportunity to receive as much mood-boosting praise as people who work in a busy, corporate environment. Early in my speaking tenure, I gave a speech to a local Women in Technology group. A few years later, I was asked back to keynote at their national conference. A woman who had seen both presentations came up to me afterward and said, “You have grown so much!” That positive feedback still sits with me to this day. I was speechless; I knew she didn’t mean my height—she felt I’d improved! It meant so much to see that she had seen growth in me, and it fueled me to keep honing my skills.
The one thing I wish I’d asked her is how I grew—which brings me to my next point. When you’re giving credit, be specific. Tell them what they said or did that worked and why it worked, so they can do it again and in other ways. If you want to take it a step further, let them know the impact it had on the project, the result, or you personally.
Acknowledging success is a powerful way to see opportunity and stay optimistic. Giving credit to others is often easier than giving yourself credit. There is one tactic I share with everyone who ever works for me: keep a success file. Maintain a record of testimonials or kind emails you’ve received. If it wasn’t written, write it down yourself and document your accomplishments or the nice things someone said about you after the meeting. It can be a physical or virtual folder. Either way, it is extremely helpful at review time but also on a bad day when you need to remind yourself of the positive impact you have had.
See the Opportunity
Back in my finance days in the ’90s and slightly beyond, there were very few women at the top of the organizational ladder. As a woman in a male-dominated field, it was hard not to notice and be drawn to the few who had broken through. We all wanted the one female partner in the firm to be our mentor, yet she mentored none of us.
I was surprised that the women at the top weren’t reaching back to help pull other women up with them. Apparently, this was not uncommon at the time. (I am so glad times have changed!) Eventually I understood the behavior was driven by scarce thinking. The belief was, there is only room for one woman at the top. With that perspective, every other woman became a potential threat rather than an ally. I actually heard one woman say, “They are only going to make one woman a partner, and it’s going to be me.”
It is true that opportunit
ies were scarce. However, just because there hadn’t been multiple female partners in the past doesn’t mean there can’t be more in the future. Connectors don’t see the status quo as the way things always have to be. They believe and act as if they can redefine it. They see the opportunity.
Though times have progressed, the scarce mentality remains. In my current field, I have had other coaches and trainers prefer not to connect, stating, “We’re in competition with each other.” My philosophy has always been that I don’t have competitors, I have strategic partners. It can be beneficial to know people in your field, especially those with a similar skill set. For example, if I can’t accept a speaking job, being connected with other people in my area of expertise means I can refer them and therefore still be valuable to the client. I also worry about the day that I can’t do a scheduled talk due to a canceled flight or illness. If I can’t be where I need to be, it is comforting to know there is someone who can fill in. If I viewed everyone as a competitor, I wouldn’t have anyone to call to take my place.
Squash the thinking of “there are only so many ______.” Whatever you fill in the blank with, that thinking is limiting. It limits your possibilities, your reach, and your results. Once you adopt the abundant mindset, it becomes a habit. You will experience reciprocity, your internal confidence grows, and you begin to see opportunity in every situation.
Realize There Is Enough
There are two ways to look at my childhood. It is much easier for me to now look back and see both perspectives—though even at the time, I could see them. My mother had instilled the importance of volunteering at a young age. I saw real need. So even when I felt like all my friends had more than me, I also always felt I never went without. I always had enough: enough food, enough clothing, and certainly more than enough love.
Scarcity is the feeling that there is never enough so you need to protect “your” piece. The objective is to shift to the belief that there is enough. It isn’t easy. I remember when I transitioned from a solo practitioner to building a company where the majority of the work is done by others on my team. There were definitely moments of fear and concern. I worried I might be handing my clients to my contractors. By enabling them to build a strong relationship with the client and execute the work, they could cut me out of the equation. But I didn’t give in to the fear.
It took both the abundant and trust mindsets to overcome that line of thinking. I trusted in the relationships I had built with both my clients and my contractors (more on trust in the next chapter). I also made the decision to believe that there was enough work for all of us. There was no need to steal a client. Choosing abundance became a self-fulfilling mindset. Because I enabled my team to work with my clients the way I would have, my company developed a stellar reputation. Clients trusted that I would select a great trainer for their audience and more work came. Abundant thinking is viewing the proverbial glass as half full, not half empty. A Connector maintains that belief and overcomes the moments of doubt.
Feel It, Shift It
Coming from a place of abundance doesn’t mean you never have moments of envy. Everyone feels jealousy; it’s a part of life. You can use the feeling: not to be competitive with someone but to be motivated by them and what they accomplished. View it as a learning opportunity, instead of wasting your energy in a way that doesn’t serve you.
I just had to do this myself. Someone who has worked as a part of my team for 10 years told me she landed a lucrative gig with a major sports organization. Inside I felt the pang of envy, wishing they were my client. I quickly snapped myself out of it with a mental slap. I had to remind myself that I want good things for my colleagues and their success does not negate mine in any way.
I was able to shift and respond in a way that felt good. I said, “Wow, that’s amazing! How did you get that?” And then I listened intently. Because she had achieved something I could learn from. What did she do that I too could do to land a client like that? I ended up helping her by supplying an assessment tool and some content. It turned into a collaboration and I financially benefited from the gig too. Had I not been able to shift, I may not have been open to the possibility that followed. By remaining open and seeing opportunity, rather than competition, I ended up becoming a part of it.
The trick is to allow yourself to feel what you feel and not punish yourself for it. Don’t berate yourself for a momentary and natural reaction. Instead, feel it and then overcome it by shifting back into an abundant mindset. If your colleague got a promotion that you were gunning for yourself, you are not going to instantly feel happy for them. You have to process the entirety of how you feel about that outcome. Release the emotions, privately or with a trusted confidant. Then break out the timer. In my house, we have a kitchen timer in the shape of a duck that quacks when the time is up. I used it with my kids when they were younger and whiny or having a meltdown. I would ask how many minutes they needed and together we would set the timer. Then I told them to let it all out. Until time is up, they (and you) have permission to wallow.
Give yourself the freedom to feel what you feel; throw yourself a pity party. Set the timer and when the duck quacks, it is time to shift. Then focus on whatever happiness you can muster for your colleague. Think about how their promotion may influence your next opportunity. Perhaps they’re someone you already work well with, and you can talk to them about your own path. Or you can ask if you can help them with a plum assignment. If that is a stretch, focus on the next opportunity for you, because there will be one. Maybe this is the time to look for a fresh gig in a different department or even a different company.
There is a world of abundant opportunity out there for you! Think about what good can come from the momentary setback. I started this book with my story of getting laid off. It sucked, it hurt, and it felt like, “Why me?” But I will tell you that that’s when my life started. That’s when I started to discover what I was truly meant to do. It was life’s way of saying, “You’re not on the right path, and if you’re not getting off, we’re going to kick you off so you can find the correct path.”
Practice Gratitude
Gratitude is strongly correlated with optimism, the cornerstone of an abundant mindset. There are numerous studies that outline the myriad benefits of gratitude, from enhancing empathy and improving self-esteem to feeling happier and even living longer. A practice of gratitude can help you access abundant thinking.
Practicing gratitude entails creating a habit that you can execute in whatever way that works for you. When I was growing up, my dad, a real estate agent, would go to houses and take Polaroids for the listings and my sister and I would be bored in the back seat. Some kids learn about the stars or cars. I learned about houses. And I never forgot. Once I moved into a house of my own, I found myself staring at other houses as I drove around. I think, often out loud, about what I like and don’t like about them and compare them to the house that I have.
One day, my husband asked, “Why do you do that?” I told him that I never expected to have a house like we have, never expected to have the life we have. I am so grateful. I reminded him that the house I grew up in had rooms with no furniture and the furniture we did have was from the side of the road or Goodwill. He nodded, knowing my mom still loves to shop the “sidewalk sale.” When I’m looking at other houses and comparing them to mine, I explained, it was my way of practicing gratitude for what I have.
Every day I ask my kids, “What was the best part of your day?” to get them in the habit of focusing on the good. Practicing gratitude can be infectious. Fostering gratitude in others is a way to practice it yourself. People who nurture gratitude and encourage it in others increase their likability and productive energy. The research corroborates this, stating that gratitude increases your energy level and not only helps you make friends, but deepens those relationships.
Gratitude journaling is a method that works for many. You don’t have to wait until somet
hing particularly significant happens to feel gratitude. Simply writing, “I am thankful for my neighbor who always greets me with a smile and a wave” can instantly create a mental shift that generates a positive outlook. Take five minutes to write something you are grateful for every day. As your journal fills, you’ll discover that you are very rarely writing the same thing twice. Taking the time every day to reflect on even the smallest moments for which you can be grateful will bolster an abundant mindset.
Invest Time
One thing we feel there is never enough of is time. It is true that time is one of the scarcest resources. Yet one of the best things you can do as a Connector is invest your time. It doesn’t cost a thing, and it can lead to so much. The trick is to find the underused time of the day or week. Research shows that after 4 p.m. productivity levels drop significantly. And that Friday is the least productive day of the week. 2 Put those two facts together and Friday after 4 p.m. is a great time to invest in connections, since the work isn’t getting done!
Your commute is another opportunity for found time. Since no one seems to talk to the people around them anymore and everyone is glued to their devices, reach out to someone virtually and put that commuting time to good use. If you are driving, connect your Bluetooth and a good conversation may make the traffic more bearable. For me, right after lunch, before the food digests, I enter a food coma and my brain shuts off. That is the time I like to catch up with someone on the phone since that reenergizes me. You have to know your energy highs and lows and use them to find extra time. Review the Law of Energy in chapter 4 of The 11 Laws of Likability to assess your energy knowledge. If you’d rather tackle following up with contacts between 8 and 9 a.m. before your coffee kicks in, go for it. You have to find what works for you, block off a time on your calendar and make it happen. Perhaps you devote 15 minutes to connecting each Thursday afternoon. That’s fine—you can connect with a lot of people in 15 minutes! Now, I realize there are only 24 hours in every day, and we all need some downtime. Find the balance, but still extend yourself.
The Connector’s Advantage Page 9