Giving help makes you feel strong, useful, and purposeful. It is easy to feel good about yourself when you give. Accepting help often has the opposite effect, evoking feelings of weakness. Sometimes you feel like a pain in the assets (recovering CPA humor). You worry about annoying your contacts or being too pushy. I have felt all of that and, as a result, I don’t always ask as much as I could or need to.
But here’s the thing we all need to recognize: if we feel good about giving help, others do too. It helps to remind yourself that when you are asking for help, you are affording the other person the opportunity to feel useful and purposeful. When you are infusing the Connector behaviors into your interactions, people will want to add value to you and your goals, just as you’re doing for them. Reciprocity is not a bad thing; it is one of the ways that the impact of Connectors gets amplified. Reciprocity triggers a desire not to owe if you have been the beneficiary. I prefer to think of it as inspiring the desire to give. Either way, people who receive will just feel better if they can give too.
Occasionally, you might not actually need the help being offered. You don’t have to accept help you don’t need. But my advice is to not dismiss it. Don’t say, “No, no, don’t worry about me, I’m okay.” Dismissing an offer of help like that doesn’t make anyone feel good. It’s perfectly okay to acknowledge and appreciate their attempt, and let them know that if needed, you’ll come back to them. Then actually come back to them!
How to Find Your Balance with Work, Life, and Connecting
Mary LoVerde (MaryLoVerde.com), is a work–life balance expert and change catalyst, a job title that didn’t exist in the recent past. But in today’s harried times and changing workplace, it has become a vital role. We may not all have one of these in our company or life, so you may need to fill those shoes yourself. In chapter 6, there are tips on how to make time for connecting. Here, Mary provides advice on how to think about work–life balance more broadly. Mary explains, “We have irrefutable scientific proof that we thrive when we feel connected to what matters most to us. So instead of constantly asking, ‘What do I need to do?’ ask a better question, ‘With whom or what should I connect?’ This is what will make us feel good—and feeling good is what life balance is all about.” Here are three more ideas from Mary:
Use Rituals. Mary recommends creating a daily ritual to help ground you. A ritual can be meditating for 10 minutes every morning, filling in your gratitude journal, or exercising daily. You can also have rituals or habits around nurturing your network such as setting up a lunch twice a month or reaching out to three contacts a week. As Mary explains, “A meaningful ritual allows you to build in some predictability and stability into your busy schedule.”
Take Breaks. It hits home for me when Mary states, “When you add and add without stopping in math it is called infinity. When you add and add without stopping in life, it is called insanity.” Taking a break is so important for productivity and rejuvenation that many cultures build it in—for example, afternoon tea and siestas. A break can be as simple as turning off your phone for 15 minutes, going for a walk around the block, or reading something inspirational in the middle of the day. Even better, take that walk or have that tea with a friend or colleague. When you find yourself giving into the urge to push through too often, create breaks. My break is putting a few pieces into the current jigsaw puzzle on the dining room table.
Pick Sleep Over Technology. Studies prove time and again that sleep is imperative for our mental and physical health. As Mary put it, “That last 30 minutes at night of Candy Crush, email, or LinkedIn cannot compete with the benefit of a half hour more sleep each night.” Often we don’t function at full capacity when we have a bad night’s sleep. Given the choice between technology and sleep, prioritize rest.
Ask for What You Want
I will never forget the first time I received backlash from an audience member. It was shortly after The 11 Laws of Likability came out. I was giving a speech on relationship networking and passionately encouraging people to live the Law of Giving. I was stopped in my tracks when a woman in the front of the audience loudly grumbled, “I’m tired of giving. Where’s mine?” Momentarily speechless, my eyes caught hers and she looked mortified that what she was thinking came out of her mouth so loudly. I am glad it did.
I engaged her and she threw her hands up in the air, clearly relieved to get it off her chest, and continued: “No one ever gives back.” Trying to think on my feet as to why it may be happening I went through ideas under my breath... Was she giving to the wrong people? No, that isn’t it. Was she giving the wrong things? I dismissed that too. Then I looked at her and asked, “What have you asked for?” With a look of something between surprise and confusion, she thought about it for a moment and then, a bit deflated, said, “Nothing.” Aha, we found the reason!
Connectors understand that they need to ask. But asking is scary. What if they say no? What if they think I am rude or pushy, or what if they don’t remember me at all? We can get in our heads and talk ourselves out of asking. Connectors with a clear vision know not only that it is okay to ask, but that you actually have to ask. As Wayne Gretzky said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” If you don’t ask, the answer is no. Asking immediately increases your odds of getting the help you need. There are ways to ask that alleviate some of the potentially negative interpretations of your request and don’t put the longer-term relationship at risk. First, get clear on your fear. Are you worried about putting them on the spot, inconveniencing them, or even jeopardizing the friendship by making them feel uncomfortable? Then choose a strategy to counter your concern. Below are four pressure-free “asks” that snuff out the stress from these situations for you and the person you are asking.
Four Types of Asks
The Opt-Out Ask. A yes is easy, and a no is hard. People may want to say yes, but they may need or have to say no. Make it as easy to say no as it is to say yes. Because if they have to say no, you don’t want them to be uncomfortable. If they are uncomfortable, then they’ll want to avoid you; they feel bad about saying no. That could put the longer-term relationship at risk. The Opt-Out Ask gives them the reason they can use to say no right in the request. Try “If you have the time” or “If your company allows it.” And to reinforce it, add “If not, no problem, I understand.” This makes it okay for them to say no and leaves the door open for a yes down the road.
The Make-It-Easy Ask. Just because you give an opt-out doesn’t mean you want a no. So the easier you can make the ask, the more likely you are to get it. Making it easy is all about giving the person you are asking options on how to help.
The Alternate Ask. This is the either/or ask. You could help me this way or that way. The asks are typically of equal value to you but one may be preferable to them, so provide the option for them to choose.
The Shrinking Ask. This is also an either/or ask, but the second ask is typically a smaller request. For example, “Can we grab lunch or maybe just a coffee?” If you are not at a yes yet, you may then offer something even smaller: “Would a call be easier or if you are too busy, is there someone else you can connect me with?” The idea is to keep making the request smaller until it is something they can say yes to.
The Convenient Ask. This one should be used when the request is to someone who is bringing more to the table or is higher on the hierarchy. You make it as convenient for them as possible. “Do you want me to come to your office or do you have a favorite coffee shop?” “Is 2 p.m. better or 3 p.m.? Whatever works for you works for me.” You want to defer to them as to what their preferences are in the execution of the request.
The Non-Ask. This ask doesn’t look like a request at all and, as a result, is one of the easiest to attempt. With the Non-Ask, you are not requesting anything specific. Instead you are sharing what you are working on or a current goal. For example, rather than asking how to make my book a bestseller, I might say, “What I’m
working on right now is making my book a bestseller.” That triggers the other person’s desire to help. It’s in our nature to be helpful and useful, and just laying out your desires can prompt them for some much-needed advice. If the ask is too subtle, add, “Any ideas for me?” Everyone wants to have an idea. Then just listen.
The WIIFT Ask. WIIFT stands for what’s in it for them. This ask leads with the benefits for the other person. Think about how it might help them to do the thing you are asking. Say you want to go to a conference and want the company to pay for it. You know why you want to go and what is in it for you (WIIFM—what’s in it for me). That may not make the company want to shell out thousands of dollars. What does the company get out of you attending? Some forward-thinking organizations include in their invitation to conferences a section on the benefits to share with your manager. Word of warning when using the WIIFT Ask, don’t pretend that there is a benefit to someone when there is not. You are better off acknowledging the difference in ability to help. In other words, don’t tell the CEO of a company it will be to their benefit to talk to you if you are fresh out of college. Instead, be honest about what you will get and add, “I am not sure if I can be of value to you, but I am happy to provide my generation’s perspective or discuss different online platforms if you are interested.” That way you show your intent to add value and sometimes that is enough.
How Not to Ask for Help
I recently received a LinkedIn request from a complete stranger. There’s nothing unusual about that; I always welcome new connections and often send a note. (See more on my tips and tricks for LinkedIn in chapter 11). But once in a while, I get one that I can use as a teachable moment. In the invitation to connect, I received the following note:
Hi Michelle. Please look at my profile, check out my résumé, and let me know if you know of anyone who can assist me in a profitable career. I would greatly appreciate that.
I must admit my immediate thought was “Seriously?!” While I appreciate the boldness, there is a right way and a wrong way to ask for help, and that request was all kinds of wrong. We hadn’t connected yet and already I was being told, not asked, what to do. It was off-putting to say the least. There is nothing wrong with reaching out to those who may be able to help you. Perhaps if the email said something about why they had contacted me, or that they followed my work and then asked if I would consider or be open to providing some guidance—I may have had a very different response.
If you read my first book, you might recall a story I shared in the Law of Patience chapter about Randi. Randi was the colleague who asked me for a client introduction within the first 10 minutes of meeting me. It was bold, but I admired her courage to ask. I respected it, but I was also put off by it. As a Connector, I wouldn’t make a request that quickly. I’m not immediately thinking, “What can you do for me?” It felt very me, me, me, as opposed to the Connector mindset, which is you and me. I don’t want to discourage you from asking in any way. If you know what doesn’t work, you may feel more comfortable with the approach you choose.
What Do You Want?
I always ask people, “What do you need, what do you want, and how can I help?” If you want to formulate a clear vision, know your answers to those questions. Be clear on how you can help and the kind of help you need. The more you talk, the more people will have the opportunity to fulfill those requests. The more you listen, the more you will have the chance to help them.
Refresh Your Memory
Clear vision means you know who you are, how you can be useful, what you are working on, and what assistance you need.
SMARTER goals is a model to evaluate and refine goals for increased clarity and actionability.
Specific. Be specific about exactly what you are trying to accomplish.
Measurable. Make it measurable so you can determine when it is done. This is your indicator of progress.
Actionable. Ensure there is something you can do about it, an action you can take toward the goal.
Realistic. A realistic goal is challenging but achievable.
Timed. Create a deadline or frequency. This creates an end.
Engaging. Determine the source of your motivation to complete the goal.
Revisited. Evaluate the progress of your goal by setting milestones and reassessing along the way.
Find balance with a daily ritual to ground you, take breaks for rejuvenation, and prioritize good sleep.
Asking is hard but necessary. Leverage different approaches to asking to alleviate resistance.
The Opt-Out Ask. Make it as easy to say no as it is to say yes. Provide a reason they can use to decline right in the request.
The Make-It-Easy Ask. The easier you can make it, the more likely you are to get it. Making it easy is all about giving the person you are asking options on how to help.
The Non-Ask. Don’t make a specific ask; instead share your objectives and open the door for assistance.
The WIIFT Ask. WIIFT stands for what’s in it for them. This ask leads with the benefits for the other person. Think about how it might help them to do the thing you are requesting.
Connectors Believe in Abundance
“People who believe they can succeed see opportunities where others see threats.”
Marshall Goldsmith
Scarcity Is Scary
A Connector believes in abundance: an abundance of opportunities, an abundance of work, and an abundance of relationships. And yet fear of scarcity is ingrained in many of us. I get it. Growing up, I thought of myself as a “have not” living in a community of people who had a lot more than my family. Abundance is one of the most challenging mindsets to adopt.
My sister and I grew up in a single-parent home. Money was very tight. I remember empty rooms in our house: my mother had sold the furniture to cover the mortgage. I wore the same dress for picture day three years in a row. (It helped that I didn’t grow much!) She was creative and inventive, and we always had what we needed. I learned not to ask for things because I knew we couldn’t afford them. A new outfit for the first day of school just wasn’t in the budget.
After college, financial security was a priority, and spending money was something I had to learn to get comfortable with. It was scary. Funny how close that word is to scarcity. Scarcity is scary, and scarcity thinking is based in fear. Having an abundant mindset is the opposite—it’s knowing and believing that there will be enough for you and everyone else. In this chapter, we’ll discuss what that truly means and how you can overcome a scarcity mindset.
First, you need to determine if you currently tend toward scarcity or abundance. If you’re not sure which way you lean, take a look at Figure 6.1 for a comparison of scarce versus abundant thinking. Which column resonates for you? Our thinking is often rooted in our experiences: how we grew up, how our parents thought. Reflecting on your past can help you understand your current mindset and how it translates to your personal and professional decisions and actions.
Figure 6.1: Scarce versus Abundant Thinking
Scarce
Abundant
Perspective
Nothing goes right for you. You feel unlucky or like a victim. You expect the worst outcome. You worry there is not enough. You may withhold, hoard, detach, not try, or give up quickly.
You believe things will have a positive outcome. You’re in charge: when things go poorly, you see how you may have impacted the outcome. You take responsibility, risks, and action.
Emotions
Worried, fearful, anxious, negative, skeptical, pessimistic, and vulnerable.
Positive, confident, in control, optimistic, empowered, capable, and content.
Internal Messaging
I can’t. I shouldn’t. It won’t work. There isn’t enough. I have to protect what’s mine.
I can. I will. It will work out. There is enough to go around.
Stance
Tentative, stuck, does not act.
Bold, confident, takes action.
Acknowledge the Fear
The first step in addressing and alleviating the feeling of scarcity is to acknowledge the fear. This was the advice I got from podcaster Jordan Harbinger (JordanHarbinger.com/Podcast). With the number-one self-help show on iTunes, Jordan is a strong believer in the abundant mindset, perhaps because he too defeated the scarce mindset.
Jordan used to be competitive and withholding. He describes the scarce mindset as spiral thinking: “You tell yourself a catastrophic story about what will happen, like, ‘I don’t want to make the introduction because I will have used up my goodwill,’ or ‘They will become better friends than we are.’” Similar stories have run through my head. For example, I had a moment of hesitation making an introduction to my editor. I had to shut out the fear that she would become too busy for me or raise her rates.
In those moments when you catch yourself making decisions from a place of fear, ask yourself why. What are you really afraid of? Then change the narrative in your mind. Jordan explains, “Things that are stopping you don’t have to be likely or probable in any way. The possibility just has to exist in your head to hold you back.” Even if the fear is reasonable, not making those introductions or not helping that person may do more harm to your psyche, relationships, and success than it does good in terms of protecting you from whatever narrative is in your head.
The Connector’s Advantage Page 8