Find Different Ways to Connect. The reason John wants you to have such a large list of people you’d like to deepen a relationship with is that sometimes, it’s not going to work out. You won’t always click with influencers in your field and that’s okay. Look for opportunities to connect in person. It could be attending a conference they’re going to be at, joining a group they belong to, or inviting them to something you’re already attending. Another great option is interviews. John has done them for his blog, podcast, and articles he writes for various sites. He says, “The medium matters less than you’d think. Sometimes people think they need to be writing for a big publication or doing a podcast with a ton of downloads, but that’s not true. I remember one college student who reached out to the billionaire Mark Cuban for an interview, got it, and then published it on his free WordPress blog.”
Extend the Relationships. To extend the relationship, look for opportunities to deliver value to that person. John suggests you “figure it out by asking, ‘What do they need right now?’ Do they have a book you can help promote, perhaps in your company newsletter or a local publication? Do they need a LinkedIn recommendation or a glowing Amazon review? What is it that’s relevant to them?” At the end of each of my interviews with the experts that contributed to this book, I always asked what they were working on and what would be helpful to them. Ivan Misner said he was always open to media opportunities so I made a few introductions. I think it made a difference when I asked him to write the foreword, or at least easier for me to ask.
Make the Relationship Benefit You. According to John, “Plenty of people can build relationships, but it’s worth taking that next step of turning it into something that can help your career.” You have to put yourself out there and he offers a tool he calls the Minimum Viable Offer, which is “a low barrier-to-entry opportunity for you to establish a working relationship with a certain influencer.” He gave the example of a photographer offering to do a headshot for much less than the usual fee. He feels it is important that money exchanges hands; it establishes the business relationship and increases the likelihood they will hire you again in the future. John says, “It’s important to ask—because if you don’t, your business suffers. At some point in the journey of building relationships, you have to go for it—otherwise, what’s the point?”
How Millennials Stay Connected
I am aware that times change and the way I think of connecting as a Generation Xer may not be the way of the next generation. We all need to be aware of the differences in how each generation connects. Millennials have surpassed baby boomers and are now America’s most populous living generation. I reached out to three connected millennials for advice on how millennials connect, what they could do if they feel unconnected, and what the most successful millennials are doing right. My expert panel included Darrah Brustein, founder of Network Under 40; Beri Meric, founder of Ivy; and Jared Kleinert, TEDx speaker and founder of 3 Billion Under 30.
How Millennials Connect
The first thing Darrah said to me is that she doesn’t want to speak for all millennials. I respect that. It makes sense since she said everyone does things their own way. One commonality shared was that millennials rely on technology to reach out efficiently and those tech tools are constantly changing. Another key theme was mobility. Millennials connect on the go, from anywhere. Darrah loves to send a quick text or email to someone during her commute or between calls. In her article “How to Nurture Your Network Effectively without Being Annoying,” she shared an easy way to personalize your reach-out: send cards. Not unique? With Bond (Bond.co), you can send handwritten notes from your phone or computer in seconds. Send Out Cards (SendOutCards.com) is another custom card site she suggested.
My favorite millennial approach is networking playdates. Millennials don’t strive for work–life balance, they seek work–life integration where professionals blend what they do personally and professionally in order to make both work. Suggest a meet-up on the tennis court or golf course. Because millennials multitask more than other generations, parents leverage that common bond, scheduling networking playdates with colleagues who have children of a similar age. I admit I have done this too. It allows you to relate on a personal level and simultaneously strengthen the professional connection.
How Millennials Can Get More Connected
If you loved both the social and scholastic aspects of college enough to miss it, you’re not alone. Beri Meric missed it so much he cofounded Ivy, the Social University, which is creating collegiate-inspired communities in cities across the globe. “Universities create deep, truly multidimensional bonds on social, intellectual, and professional levels with people,” he explains. He shares his perspective that “sometimes how millennials connect is broken, which is why I started Ivy.” He has a few ideas for how millennials can get better connected.
Get Involved. The first step is simply to pick an organization, community, or group activity and get involved regularly. Beri made a good point about doing extracurricular activities in high school and college to appear well rounded, thereby increasing your likelihood of acceptance into school or landing that plum job: “Being engaged matters more after you graduate, when most people’s default mode is to spend their free time watching Netflix or heading to bars.” Integrate yourself with your city by getting involved with an organization that interests you. Since the average tenure at work nowadays is two years, Beri explains, “Work no longer gives us the sense of identity and belonging it used to. We are social animals that thrive on being engaged.”
Step Up. There is a saying that you have to travel the world or read lots of books to expand your horizons—advice I am personally a fan of. However, reading a book by yourself and traveling alone lacks the community aspect. Belonging to a tribe is a critical thing. Beri urges people to take a leadership role and become actively involved in an activity or group you care about, saying, “It’s critical that you not only commit and attend on a repeat basis, but volunteer for a position with some meaning. Passive participation is not going to change your life.”
Make a Commitment. Cultivating relationships is a long-term effort. Beri agrees, saying, “You can’t volunteer once and build lasting contacts. Relationships don’t just happen. It requires repeat interactions, and that requires commitment.” At the end of the day, you get out what you put in. Beri believes you can have that well-rounded social life by simply engaging. As he put it, “Social media feeds only show people you have added or celebrities you’re never going to hang out with, so you need to make an effort to build personal bonds and real relationships.”
What the Most Successful Millennials Do Right
Let’s be honest, the millennial label comes with a ton of connotations especially from those of older generations. Millennials get a bad rep for being tethered to their technology, unresponsive, entitled, and a slew of other pejoratives. Jared Kleinert, my example of a Super Connector in chapter 3, interviewed the most successful millennials when writing his books. He learned what the outliers do right and why they don’t deserve their reputation. Here are five connection success activities he learned along the way.
Write Cold Emails. Jared found his illustrious mentor, David Hassell, simply by cold contacting him through LinkedIn—and three months later, Hassell responded. Eventually, he brought Jared in as an intern, then offered him a paid position. “You want to utilize the subject line in a very meaningful way, one that leverages social proof,” Jared advises. I always suggest referencing a person you have in common if there is one. The word “quick” in the subject also disarms and invites a fast scan of your note. Other keys to a cold email are personalization, seeking to immediately be valuable to them, and Jared emphasizes “a clear call to action that makes it easy for them.” Making it easy increases your odds of moving the relationship forward.
Start with Ideal Clients. “Work with impressive clients as much as possible, and your profile wi
ll grow,” says Jared, who always seeks to connect with high integrity people. It was his free mentorship exchange with Hassell that led to his being selected to attend the Thiel Foundation’s summit celebrating their 20 Under 20 program, which led to a host of other connections. As I have repeatedly said, connections beget connections.
Find Mentors at All Levels. Jared seeks out successful mentors that he admires but also finds that peer mentors are incredibly valuable. I can attest to this having had the same “buddy coach” for eight years. “A great by-product of my books is networking with talented people close to my own age,” he shares. “They’re experiencing all this with you, one step ahead or behind.”
Have High Quality Conversations. Quality conversations don’t have to be long conversations. He suggests talking 30% of the time and listening 70% of the time, and always asking open-ended questions that lead to great conversations. “I’ll be vulnerable and share what I’m going through, and also think about how I can be valuable to them,” explains Jared.
Build a Following. Media influence is becoming more democratized than ever before, according to Jared. You can build a following on social media, through an email blast, or even with a podcast, and it won’t cost much. “Share your wins and ideas and resources and practices,” he suggests. “Start putting yourself out there, and soon you’ll be collaborating and cross-pollinating, even with your competition.” This tip applies as much to traditional employees as to the freelance and entrepreneurial communities. When employers are filling a position, an online search is at the start of any vetting process.
How to Be an Inclusive Connector
We are in a time in history where showing respect for diversity and cultural awareness is a priority. As a result, there’s an increased sensitivity to what we say and an emphasis on political correctness. I believe most organizations and individuals are navigating with intentions of inclusiveness, though they’re often unsure how to execute on that objective.
This section was not part of my original plan for the book. It was the conversations I had and the stories I heard that compelled me to figure out how to help you be an Inclusive Connector. The story that struck me first was in an op-ed piece written by Viola Thompson, the president and CEO of Information Technology Senior Management Forum. She is a Black woman in the male-dominated world of technology.
While attending a conference of minority technology leaders, the participants were introducing themselves and proudly sharing their ethnicity. There was a white woman in attendance and while she waited for her turn to speak, she thought to herself, “What am I doing here? I don’t have a similar background as the people in this room.” And so, she struggled with what she was going to say. She later shared that for the first time, she understood what it was like being in the minority—the “only one” in the room. That was profound. It was a brief view into what people of color experience every day in corporate America. While the attendees were welcoming to her and she appreciated the extension of kindness toward her, she wondered if she had previously exhibited those same expressions of inclusion to others in similar situations.
When Viola shared this story, I questioned my own actions in those situations. Part of being a Super Connector and a Niche Connector is the breadth and depth of your network. To achieve this level, you must diversify your connections beyond those who fit in the similar-to-me category. The ways in which we are similar are not immediately obvious, but the ways we are different often are. We must push past any discomfort or awkwardness.
I reached out to Robbie Samuels, a transgender man and the author of Croissants vs. Bagels: Strategic, Effective & Inclusive Networking at Conferences (CroissantsvsBagels.com), for help on how to be a more Inclusive Connector and together we came up with three tips to create a space where people can show up and share more of their full selves.
Recognize and Embrace the Unicorn Within
We’ve all had experiences feeling like or being the only one. For me, it was my first day on the trading floor: I was the only woman in sight with the exception of an assistant to the treasurer. It was the 2000s, I was shocked. I stood out on the floor for my gender but also for my size. It felt like there was a height requirement to work there; everyone exceeded six feet, towering over my four-foot-ten.
I was the unicorn, slang for someone who stands out from the crowd. Being a unicorn means you are unique to the situation and either look or act differently from the norm. Sometimes standing out can work to your advantage, but it doesn’t always feel that way. All the obvious and nonobvious differences about ourselves when we walk into a room flood to the front of our minds. It can be paralyzing or you can embrace your inner and outer unicorn.
Sometimes your unicorn can be because of the environment: only minority, only man at a women’s conference, only _______... fill in your blank. Sometimes it is just part of you. My whole life I have been teased about my size. I admit I had dreams of attending my high school reunion having grown to six feet. There are some things you can’t change, and many things you don’t want to change. So instead of feeling less than, I got better at cracking the joke before anyone else could. I stopped viewing my size as a detriment and found a way to view it as part of my identity. This goes back to mindset number one: be open and accepting, especially of yourself. We are all unicorns. We can find that uniqueness in ourselves and share it, embrace it. If you want to be an inclusive networker, you need to start by including yourself.
Don’t Call Out the Differences, Call Out the Similarities
In order to advance on the spectrum of a Connector, you need to broaden the types of relationships you have. Robbie is passionate about radical inclusion, which he explains as “a mindset of what can I do to let people fully show up and bring more of their full selves into the space so they’re not compartmentalizing their identity.” One of the most important ways to do this? “Don’t call out the differences, call out the similarities.” Calling out the difference automatically creates separation.
Due to the Law of Similarity and the similar-to-me bias, we tend to surround ourselves with sameness. As a result, when you expand your circle, all you see are the differences. If upon meeting somebody who could add diversity to your network—different experiences, education, life goals, or demographics—by calling out the difference, you immediately exclude them.
Robbie explains it often seems like an innocuous statement such as, “Wow, you’re tall. How tall are you?” or “Your name is so exotic!” I had a moment of panic since I think those can be great conversation starters. I’ve often commented on someone’s name and said, “That’s so beautiful” or asked them to spell it so I can remember it. Robbie eased my fears by explaining that what I was showing was interest and admiration rather than highlighting that it was different and making them feel other. To further help determine when a topic could be perceived as calling out the differences, he suggests, “Ask yourself, did they choose it or is it who they are?” If they chose it, they will likely welcome the topic.
Viola’s suggestion is to “be clear on your intention behind stating the difference. Reflect on why you feel compelled to notice the difference.” You may be thinking, “I want to relate to you and I recognize the difference, but let’s not let it stop us from coming together.” If so, great, make sure that is the message they receive, rather than making them feel excluded. She shares that someone commented to her husband that he was the only male in the office. What they didn’t say was that he was the only Black man as well. Calling out the differences implies you are thinking about all the differences and that is just the one you felt comfortable verbalizing.
Have a Host Mindset
There are moments in all of our lives when we don’t feel we belong. To be an Inclusive Connector, adopt a host mindset. There is a difference between inviting someone and welcoming them in. Having a host mindset applies to an organization as much as an individual. Viola recalls a partner meeting wh
ere spouses and significant others were invited. The activity they had planned for the significant others was a spa day. The assumption was that the partner would be a woman and that she would be interested in a beauty treatment. She advises organizations to avoid such assumptions and instead think about “how you want them to be today and making sure that the activities are appropriate for any gender and all or as many ages, races, or ethnicities that you have invited.”
In my chapter of the National Speakers Association, we label newcomers with a gold star and refer to them as VIPs. Existing members see that star and make an extra effort to talk with them and introduce them around. At a recent talk I did, an advanced survey enabled the planners to assign tables based on the charitable sector they support. It immediately gave everyone a jumping-off point for conversation and commonalities. Look for ways to mix different levels and expose people to those they don’t typically interact with.
Robbie teaches meeting planners to “be aware of what someone needs that would make the experience easier for them.” This idea can be broadly applied even when you aren’t the host of the event: you can still take on that role of inclusive networker. Consider how you would want to be welcomed and how can you do that for other people. Look for the lone wolves. The host mindset is about reaching out to those who may not feel included. Watch your body language, physical space, and eye contact; all three can be used to invite others into a group conversation. Leave space for others to physically approach and immediately make room to widen the space and invite them in. Extend eye contact to all people in the group, even those who haven’t yet contributed to the conversation. When a break occurs, introduce yourself to the person who joined and then introduce the others as well. If you know the organization or other attendees, ask who they would be interested in meeting and help them make the next connection.
The Connector’s Advantage Page 19