Never Never: The Complete Series

by Colleen Hoover

I shake my head. “I can’t. Charlie didn’t say.”

  She grabs my hand, laughing. “Charlie says get up, you idiot.” She helps me to my feet and grabs my shirt, pressing her face against my chest. “Oh my God, they’re all staring at us.”

  I wrap my arms around her and begin to sway back and forth, which is probably not what she was expecting me to do. She looks up at me, my shirt still clenched in her fists. “Can we go now? Let’s go.”

  I shake my head. “Silas says dance.”

  Her eyebrows crinkle together. “You can’t be serious!”

  There are several people stopped on the street now, some of them taking pictures of us. I sort of don’t blame them. I’d probably take pictures of an idiot who willingly sat in a mud puddle, too.

  I unclench her fists from my shirt and make her hold my hands as I force her to dance to non-existent music. She’s stiff at first, but then she seems to let the laughter take over the embarrassment. We sway and dance down Bourbon Street, bumping into people as we go. The whole time, she’s giggling like she doesn’t have a care in the world.

  After a few minutes, we come to a break in the crowd. I stop twirling her long enough to pull her to my chest and sway softly, back and forth. She’s looking up at me, shaking her head. “You’re crazy, Silas Nash,” she says.

  I nod. “Good. That’s what you love about me.”

  Her smile fades for a moment and the look she has in her eyes causes me to stop swaying. She places her palm over my heart and stares at the back of her hand. I already know she’s not feeling a heartbeat inside my chest. It’s more like a drumline in mid procession.

  Her eyes meet mine again. She parts her lips and whispers, “Charlie says…kiss Charlie.”

  I would have kissed her even if Charlie didn’t say. My hand wraps in her hair a single second before my lips meet hers. When her mouth parts for mine, it feels as though she punches a hole straight through my chest and makes a fist around my heart. It hurts, it doesn’t, it’s beautiful, it’s terrifying. I want it to last for eternity, but I’ll run out of breath if this kiss goes on for just one more minute. My arm wraps around her waist, and when I pull her closer, she moans quietly into my mouth. Jesus.

  The only thing I have room for in this head of mine right now is the firm belief that fate absolutely exists. Fate…soul mates…time travel…you name it. It all exists. Because that’s what her kiss feels like. Existence.

  We’re momentarily jolted when someone bumps into us. Our mouths seaparate, but it takes effort to free ourselves from whatever hold just took over. The music from all the open doors along the street comes back into focus. The lights, the people, the laughter. All the external things that ten seconds of her kiss just blocked out are rushing back. The sun is setting, and nighttime seems to transform this entire street from one world to another. I can’t think of anything I want more than to get her out of here. Neither of us seems to be able to move, though, and my arm feels like it weighs twenty pounds when I reach for her hand. She slides her fingers through mine and we begin walking in silence back toward the parking lot where my car is.

  Neither of us speaks a word the entire walk back. Once we’re both inside my car, I wait a moment before cranking it. Things are too heavy. I don’t want to start driving until we get out whatever it is we need to say. Kisses like that can’t linger without acknowledgment.

  “Now what?” she asks, staring out the window.

  I watch her for a moment, but she doesn’t move. It’s as if she’s frozen. Suspended in time between the last kiss and our next one.

  I buckle up and put the car in drive. Now what? I have no idea. I want to kiss her like that a million more times, but every single kiss would end just like that one did. With the fear that I won’t remember it tomorrow.

  “We should go back home and get a decent night’s sleep,” I say. “We also need to make more notes in case…” I cut myself off.

  She pulls on her seatbelt. “In case soul mates don’t exist…” she finishes.

  During our drive to Silas’s house, I think about everything we’ve learned today. I think about my father and how he isn’t a good human. Part of me is scared that being a good person is inherent. I’ve read enough about how I used to be to know that I didn’t treat people very well. Silas included.

  I can only hope that the person I turned out to be was the result of outside influences, and not because that’s who I’ll always be. A vindictive, cheating shell of a person.

  I open the backpack and begin reading more notes while Silas drives. I come across something about files that Silas stole from his father, and how we suspect they might implicate my father. Why would Silas steal those from his father? If my father is guilty, which I believe he is, why would Silas want to hide that?

  “Why do you think you stole those files from your father?” I ask him.

  He shrugs. “I don’t know. The only thing I can come up with is that maybe I hid them because I felt bad for you. Maybe I didn’t want your father to go to prison for longer than he already was, because it would have broken your heart.”

  That sounds like something Silas would do.

  “Are they still in your room?” I ask him.

  Silas nods. “I think so. I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that I keep them near my bed.”

  “When we get to your house tonight, I think you should give them to your father.”

  Silas glances at me across the seats. “Are you sure about that?”

  I nod. “He’s ruined a lot of lives, Silas. He deserves to pay for that.”

  “Charlie didn’t know you had these?”

  I’m standing outside Silas’s father’s study. When we walked in the door and he saw me with Silas, I thought he was going to hit him. Silas told him to give him five minutes to explain. He ran upstairs and got the files and brought them back down to his father.

  I can’t hear their entire conversation. Silas is explaining to him that he hid them to protect me. He’s apologizing. His father is quiet. And then…

  “Charlie? Can you come in here, please?”

  His father scares me. Not in the way my father scared me. Clark Nash is intimidating, but he doesn’t seem evil. Not like Brett Wynwood.

  I walk into his office and he motions for me to take a seat next to Silas. I do. He paces the length of his desk a few times and then stops. When he faces us, he’s looking directly at me.

  “I owe you an apology.”

  I’m sure he can see the shock in my expression. “You do?”

  He nods. “I’ve been harsh on you. What your father did to me—to our company—that had nothing to do with you. Yet I blamed you when the files went missing, because I knew how fiercely you stood by him.” He glances back at Silas and says, “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed in you, Silas. Interfering with a federal investigation…”

  “I was sixteen, Dad. I didn’t know what I was doing. But I do now, and Charlie and I both want to make things right.”

  Clark Nash nods and then walks around his desk to take a seat. “So does this mean we’ll be seeing you around more often, Charlie?”

  I glance at Silas and then back at his father. “Yes, sir.”

  He smiles a little bit, and his smile looks just like Silas’s smile. Clark should smile more often.

  “Very well, then,” he says.

  Silas and I both take that as our cue to leave. As we’re walking up the stairs, Silas pretend-falls, sinking down on the top stair as he clutches his chest. “Christ, that man is terrifying,” he says.

  I laugh and pull him back to his feet.

  At least if things don’t work out in our favor tomorrow, we’ll have done one good deed.

  “Charlie, you were a good sport today,” Silas says, tossing me a t-shirt. I’m sitting cross-legged on his floor. I catch it and shake it out to see what’s on the front. It’s a camp t-shirt. He doesn’t offer pants.

  “Is that your way of flirting with me?” I ask. “Bringing spor
t into your compliments?”

  Silas makes a face. “Look around this room. Do you see anything sports related?”

  It’s true. He seems to be more into photography than anything else. “’You’re on the football team,” I say.

  “Yeah, well, I don’t want to be.”

  “Charlie says quit the football team,” I tell him.

  “Maybe I will,” he says. With that, he swings open his bedroom door. I can hear him rushing down the stairs two at a time. I wait a moment to see what he’s up to, and then shortly thereafter, he’s running back up the stairs. His door swings back open and he smiles. “I just told my father I quit the football team,” he says proudly.

  “What did he say?”

  He shrugs. “I don’t know. I must be scared of him, because I ran back upstairs as soon as I told him.” He winks at me. “And what are you quitting, Charlize?”

  “My dad.” My answer comes easy. “Charlie needs to walk away from things that stunt her emotional growth.”

  Silas stops what he’s doing to look at me. It’s a weird look. One I’m not familiar with.

  “What?” I suddenly feel defensive.

  He shakes his head. “Nothing. It was a good thought, that’s all.”

  I hug my knees and stare at the carpet. Why was it that when he complimented me my entire body went into overdrive? Surely his opinions couldn’t matter that much to Charlie. To me. Surely I would remember if they did. Whose opinions were really supposed to matter in life, anyway? Your parents? Mine were screwed up. Your boyfriend’s? If you weren’t dating a saint like Silas Nash, that could go very wrong. I think about what I would tell Janette if she were asking this question.

  “Trust your gut,” I say out loud.

  “What are you talking about?” Silas asks. He’s digging around in a box he found in his closet, but he leans back on his haunches to look at me.

  “Trust your gut. Not your heart, because it’s a people pleaser, and not your brain, because it relies too heavily on logic.”

  He nods slowly, never taking his eyes off of me. “Charlize, it’s really sexy when you get deep and say stuff like that. So unless you want to play another round of Silas Says, you might want to lay off the deep thinking.”

  I put down the t-shirt and stare at him. I think about today. I think about our kiss and how I would be a liar if I said I wasn’t hoping he would kiss me like that again tonight. This time in private, without a dozen eyes on us. I reach down and tug at a piece of the carpet. I can feel my face grow warm.

  “What if I do want to play another round of Silas says?” I ask.

  “Charlie…” he starts, almost as if my name is a warning.

  “What would Silas say?”

  He stands up and so do I. I watch him run a hand across the back of his neck, my heart pounding like it’s trying to break free and run out of the room before Silas can get to it.

  “Are you sure you want to play?” he asks, raking over me with his eyes.

  I nod. Because why not? According to our letters, it won’t be the first time we’ve done this. And chances are, we probably won’t even remember it tomorrow. “I’m positive,” I say, attempting to come off way more confident than I feel right now. “It’s my favorite thing to do.”

  He suddenly looks firm, more planted in his own skin. It’s thrilling to watch.

  “Silas says…take off your shirt.”

  I raise my eyebrows, but do as I’m told, lifting the hem of my shirt over my head. I hear his intake of breath, but I can’t seem to meet his eyes. The strap of my bra slips down my shoulder.

  “Silas says…lower the other bra strap.”

  My hand shakes a little as I do. He takes a slow step toward me, staring down to where my arm is still crossed over my chest. His eyes flicker up to mine. His mouth turns up at the corner. He thinks I’m about to quit playing this game. I can tell.

  “Silas says…open the clasp.”

  It’s a front clasp. I keep my eyes locked with his as I unlatch it. His Adam’s apple bobs as I shrug off my bra and hold it on the tip of my finger. The cold air and his eyes make me want to turn away. His gaze follows my bra as it falls to the floor. When he makes eye contact with me again, he’s smiling. But he’s not. I don’t know he does that—looks so happy and so serious at the same time.

  “Silas says come here.”

  I’m not able to turn away when he looks at me like that. I walk toward him, and when I’m near enough, he reaches for me. He puts his hand behind my head and threads his fingers through my hair.

  “Silas says—”

  “Shut up, Silas,” I interrupt. “Just kiss me.”

  His head dips and he catches my lips in a deep kiss that tilts my head up to meet him. He presses his mouth against mine in a soft kiss, once, twice, three times before parting my lips with his tongue. Kissing Silas feels rhythmic, like we’ve had more than just this afternoon to figure it out. His hand tightly gripping my hair at the scalp makes me weak in the knees. I am out of breath and my eyes are glazed.

  Do I trust him?

  I trust him.

  “Charlie says take your shirt off,” I say against his mouth.

  “This game is called Silas says.”

  I run my hands up the warm flesh of his stomach. “Not anymore.”

  “Charlie Baby,” I whisper, sliding an arm over her. I press my lips against the curve of her shoulder. She rustles, then pulls the covers over her head. “Charlie, it’s time to wake up.”

  She rolls over to face me but stays under the blanket. I lift it over my head until we’re both covered. She opens her eyes and frowns. “You smell good,” she says. “No fair.”

  “I took a shower.”

  “And brushed your teeth?”

  I nod, and her brow furrows.

  “That’s not fair. I want to brush my teeth.”

  I lift the covers from her head and she puts a hand over her eyes and groans. “Then hurry up and brush your teeth so you can come back and kiss me.”

  She crawls out of the bed and makes her way to the bathroom. I hear the sink begin to run, but that’s quickly drowned out by the noises that come from downstairs. Pots and pans clanking together, cabinet doors slamming. It sounds like someone is cleaning. I look at the clock and it’s almost 9:00 a.m.

  Two more hours.

  My bathroom door opens and Charlie runs across the room and hops on the bed, quickly pulling the covers over herself. “It’s cold out there,” she says, her lips quivering. I pull her to me and press my mouth to hers. “Better,” she mumbles.

  And this is what we do while I try my best to lose track of time. We make out.

  “Silas,” she whispers as I’m working my way up her neck. “What time is it?”

  I reach over to the nightstand and look at my phone. “Nine fifteen.”

  She sighs, and I know exactly what she’s thinking. I’m thinking it too.

  “I don’t want to forget this part,” she says, looking at me through eyes that look like two broken hearts.

  “Me neither,” I whisper.

  She kisses me again, softly. I can feel her heart racing through her chest, and I know it isn’t because we’re kissing under my covers. It’s because she’s scared. And I wish I could make it to where she isn’t scared anymore, but I can’t. I just pull her to me and hold her. I would hold her here forever, but I know there are things we need to be doing right now.

  “We can hope for the best, but I think we should prepare for the worst,” I tell her.

  She nods against my chest. “I know. Five more minutes, okay? Let’s just stay under the blanket for five more minutes and pretend we’re in love like we used to be.”

  I sigh. “Pretending isn’t necessary for me at this point, Charlie.”

  She grins and presses her lips to my chest.

  I give her fifteen minutes. Five isn’t enough.

  When our time is up, I crawl out of bed and pull her up. “We need to eat breakfast. That way if 11:00
a.m. hits and we freak out again, it’ll be a few hours before we have to worry about food.”

  We get dressed and head downstairs. Ezra looks like she’s cleaning up breakfast when we walk into the kitchen. She sees Charlie rubbing sleep out of her eyes and she raises an eyebrow in my direction. She thinks I’m pushing my luck having Charlie in this house.

  “Don’t worry, Ezra. Dad says I’m allowed to love her now.” Ezra returns my smile.

  “You two hungry?” she asks.

  I nod. “Yeah, but we can make our own food.”

  Ezra waves a hand in the air. “Nonsense,” she says. “I’ll make your favorite.”

  “Thanks, Ezra,” Charlie says with a smile. A mild look of surprise passes over Ezra’s face before she walks to the pantry.

  “My god,” Charlie says under her breath. “Do you think I really used to be that awful? That it was shocking to ever hear me say thank you?”

  About that time, my mother walks into the kitchen. She stops short when she sees Charlie. “Did you spend the night here?” My mother doesn’t seem very pleased.

  “No.” I lie for Charlie. “I just picked her up this morning.”

  My mother’s eyes narrow. I don’t have to have memory of her to know she’s suspicious. “Why aren’t you two at school right now?”

  We’re both quiet for a moment, but then Charlie blurts out, “It’s a flex day.”

  My mother nods without question. She walks to the pantry and begins speaking to Ezra.

  “What’s a flex day?” I whisper.

  Charlie shrugs. “I have no idea, but it sounded good.” She laughs and then whispers, “What’s your mother’s name?”

  I open my mouth to respond, but I draw a complete blank. “I have no idea. I’m not sure I ever wrote it in any notes.”

  My mother peeks her head out of the pantry. “Charlie, will you be joining us for dinner tonight?”

  Charlie looks at me, and then at my mother. “Yes, ma’am. If I can remember.”

  I laugh and Charlie smiles, and for a split second, I forget what we’re about to go through again.

  I catch Charlie staring at the clock on the oven. I can see the worry, not only in her eyes, but in every single part of her. I grab her hand and squeeze it. “Don’t think about that,” I whisper. “Not for another hour.”