American Honey

by Caitlin Ricci

  I took the chair and pulled my legs up under me. The chair wasn’t that big, but I was small enough to get really comfortable in it. He filled out the chair nicely, like it was meant for him. I shrugged. I didn’t know what to tell him. Or if I should tell him anything. Maybe a lie would be better. But I didn’t really lie to anyone. I tried not to, and sometimes I thought I could still feel the hard, wooden ruler across my knuckles where my grandmother used to whack my brothers and me for our lies as kids.

  “I...” I had no idea what to say to him. “The last time I was at the club, it seemed a little tense in there.”

  He turned from me and lowered his gaze. It hadn’t been the right thing to say. I knew that instantly. The way I’d said it, it made it sound like I was blaming him when I really wasn’t.

  “That’s not what I meant. I don’t do conflict well at all. And...” That made it sound even worse. I sighed. “I’m not explaining myself very well right now. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t say you’re sorry. I’m sorry you had to see that. I’ve always been good about not bringing my personal life to work. It’s one of those rules that’s pretty strictly enforced in my line of work, as I’m sure you can imagine. What if everyone brought their jealous boyfriends to work? It would be utter chaos.” He laughed a little, but the sound was brittle. Cal still wasn’t looking at me.

  I sipped my tea. It had about a tablespoon of honey in it. Pretty much everything I ate or drank had honey in it in some shape or form. I wasn’t sure when that had started, but I knew it was a common ingredient in my life now, even without my brothers or my cousins teasing me about it.

  I wished that I had more of a handle on basic communication skills. I didn’t know how to talk to people I wasn’t related to unless they were a customer and I couldn’t really treat Cal like someone who I wanted to sell honey to at a farmer’s market. None of that applied here. “Did you get it worked out with... “ I didn’t know the guy’s name and saying ‘the guy you were arguing with’ sounded wrong. I sucked at talking to people, especially guys I was attracted to. I needed some serious help.

  Cal looked back at the window. “No, not really. We’re working on being friends but that’s complicated. He’s moving out at the end of the month, though.”

  That was like three weeks away. “Is he your ex? If I’m prying, please don’t feel like you have to answer me. I pretty often get told that I don’t know when to not ask something, or that I don’t know when to shut up.”

  Cal looked back at me. “It’s okay. Maybe it would be good to talk about this with someone else. Travis was... He was the love of my life. But he screwed up and now I’m trying to figure out how to move on from that.”

  I cringed. I expected that he’d been a boyfriend, sure. That had been pretty obvious. But to find out that he’d meant that much to Cal and then he’d somehow hurt him that badly? I had no advice or good words in this kind of situation.

  “I’m sorry,” I mumbled.

  “It’s okay. Sometimes things happen. Not everyone can be with a stripper.”

  I admired that he could say what he did so openly. I’d sort of expected some kind of secret code. Maybe he would have just called himself a dancer or something. But he had no shame and I didn’t think he was embarrassed either. There was no reason for him to be.

  “I could.” I didn’t know why I’d said that. It had come out of nowhere. But I wasn’t kidding either. Whatever Travis’s issue had been, I was pretty sure it wouldn’t have been mine.

  But Cal just snorted. “Nice try, but I highly doubt that.”

  The problem with him saying that though, was that it really didn’t matter. I wasn’t dating a stripper anytime soon. I wasn’t dating anyone.

  My phone beeped and I pulled it out to find a text from the dealership. The Jeep was done. But I wanted to keep talking to Cal. About what though, I had no idea, so I decided to go. “So, I’ll see you later.”

  “Are you coming back to the club again then?”

  I didn’t know why he sounded so surprised. I’d needed a little break. It wasn’t as if I wanted to never see his butt in mesh shorts again. “Yeah. On Monday.” Game nights were going later and later on Saturdays and I couldn’t pull a late night like I had the last time I’d gone to the club. Getting to bed at three and then getting up at seven wasn’t exactly enjoyable.

  “See you in three days. Your drink that night will be on me. Let the bartender know your name and he’ll get you something.”

  He didn’t have to do that for me. “I can buy my own drinks.”

  “I’m sure you can. But what you saw before, that was unprofessional. Let me make it up to you. It’s just one drink. I’m not offering to take you to dinner.”

  I kind of wished that he was though. I would have gone to dinner with Cal. “Okay. One drink.” I hesitated beside my chair. My tea was only half gone. I’d drink it on the drive home. I didn’t want to go, but I was already up, and I had no reason to stay and talk to him any longer. “See you later. And I’m sorry things didn’t work out with him.”

  Cal looked surprised by that. “You don’t know him, or me. He could have been some horrible person that I’m better off without.”

  Yeah, he could have been, but I was pretty sure, by the hurt I’d seen on Cal’s face that he hadn’t been. “He wasn’t though, was he?”

  I’d brought back that look without meaning to. I didn’t want to leave Cal hurting but that’s where he was now. “No, he wasn’t,” Cal quietly said.

  I didn’t know how to fix this, and Cal’s happiness wasn’t my business at all, except that I’d said something to upset him, so it kind of was my problem that I was leaving him like that.

  I bent over and kissed his cheek. I was blushing far more than he was as I pulled away. “I hope things get better for you. And for him, too, of course. But mostly for you.”

  Cal smirked. “Thanks. I really appreciate that. See you Monday?”

  “Yeah. See you then.”

  “I’ll save you a seat right up front.”

  My cheeks impossibly got even hotter. “I like hiding in the back though.”

  “And I like being able to see you when I’m dancing.”

  Well that settled it then. I nodded and stepped back from him. “See you.” My voice shook, but I would definitely be there.

  When I got home there was a truck in my driveway. Well, it wasn’t exactly a driveway. More like I had a space that had been driven down to the dirt where my family liked to park when they came over.

  My cousin, Gavin, leaned against the driver’s door. He was thirteen years older than me and the only bi guy I knew.

  “Is everything okay with Cindy and Kyle?” I asked. I was quick to get out. If there was an emergency with his son or ex-wife, I would have assumed he would know to text or call me instead of standing there in front of my tiny house.

  “Cindy thinks you’re dating someone that you don’t want us to know about and that’s why you’re avoiding the family.”

  Gavin sounded grave like this was some major injustice that I’d missed a few family dinners and a game night here and there. It wasn’t that big of a deal. “I’m not dating anyone.” He didn’t look convinced. “Seriously, I’m not.”

  “But there is someone.”

  There really wasn’t, but I had been skipping out on time with them to go watch Cal dance. I shrugged. It wasn’t the same thing, but somehow, I doubted that he would see it that way. “I’m not dating him.”

  Gavin came over and leaned against the side of the Jeep with me. He sighed deeply before putting his arm around my shoulders. “Are you okay, though? Is she right to worry about you? Look, I’m not trying to be your dad. Hell no. But you are barely older than my own kid. And, as the oldest member of this family, I do feel some responsibility for you.”

  With our parents all out of the picture, for one reason or another, I guess he was the patriarch. “It’s not a big deal, but I’ve
been going to this gay strip club in Springfield.”

  He did something I would have never expected him to do. He laughed. And then he kept laughing while I stood there next to the Jeep just staring at him.

  “Nice try, kiddo, but that’s not going to fly,” he said when he’d apparently finished laughing at me.

  I rolled my eyes. “The club’s called Gents. There’s this guy there, Cal. He’s really freaking hot and—”

  “And you’re not kidding, are you?” Gavin wasn’t laughing at all now. He was just staring at me. “How’d you even get into a club anyway? You’re not twenty-one.”

  “Fake ID.” I’d had it for years, though I was over eighteen. I just wasn’t quite twenty-one, yet. “You pissed?”

  “I’m not happy, that’s for sure as hell sure.”

  I rolled my eyes. “That doesn’t even make sense.” I leaned back and looked up at the clouds. “I’m not doing anything wrong. It’s not like you have to worry. It’s just a crush. That’s it.”

  “Have you talked to him?” Gavin pushed.

  I really wasn’t sure what he was getting at here. “Talked? Like what? I’ve said a few things and so has he. We’re not dating, Gav.”

  “When are you going back to this club?”

  “Monday.”

  “I’m going with you.”

  My mouth fell open. “What? No. Gavin, c’mon.” I definitely did not need him to tag along with me and there was no way in hell I wanted my cousin with me when I was sitting there staring at Cal shaking his butt in those little see through shorts. “Please?”

  Gavin snorted. “No arguing, kiddo. You shouldn’t even be in a place like that yet. Christ, you’re nineteen. Are you drinking when you go out too?”

  I didn’t answer him. I was pissed and I knew he was going to make my life at the club hell. But Cal only worked Mondays and Saturdays and I couldn’t miss another game night, especially not now that Gavin knew why I’d be missing. I glared at him as he stepped away from my Jeep.

  “So I’ll pick you up at ten then?”

  At least he didn’t look happy about having to go with me either. “I really don’t need an escort.”

  “I’m not letting my underage cousin go to a strip club and drink and then drive over an hour home without me being there. I’ll be your designated driver. And you’ll still have fun. I’m not going to cramp your style or whatever. It’ll be fun.”

  He didn’t sound convinced and I wasn’t either. I only just resisted the urge to flip him off as he got back into his truck and drove away.

  Chapter Four

  Cal

  Dillon had shown up with someone on Monday. He was hot and he was closer to my age than Dillon was. The two of them sat together like they knew each other but Dillon looked pissed about the other guy being there. He was staring at me, but he wasn’t really watching me. It was more like he was just staring straight ahead than watching me specifically. He had his arms crossed over his chest and no matter what I did on the stage, and no matter how many times I smiled at him, his smile was completely absent that night.

  When my set was done, I got off the stage and mingled through the crowd. Monday crowds weren’t nearly as big as the Saturday night crowds, but there were still plenty of people there, all wanting a piece of me or at least some time with me. But instead of stopping and talking to them, I went to Dillon’s table.

  “Hey you,” I said, casually flirting with him.

  The guy with him smiled at me and offered me his hand. “Gavin Rice. I’m Dillon’s cousin. I’m chaperoning tonight, given that he’s under twenty-one and hasn’t told anyone in our family about coming here. You must be the man he has a crush on. It’s good to meet you, Callum.”

  I took Gavin’s hand, even as I stared at Dillon. “You told me you were over twenty-one.”

  He sighed and met my gaze. “I did. I lied. I’m nineteen. Are you going to kick me out?”

  I didn’t want to, but I didn’t really have a choice. This was a twenty-one and older club and he had a drink in front of him. “Sorry, but I have to.”

  He got out of the chair with a huff. “It’s okay. I get it. Thanks ever so much for ruining this for me, Gavin. I really do owe you one.”

  I didn’t think he should be taking his anger out on his cousin, but I could see why he would be mad. “I’m sorry.”

  Dillon shook his head. “It’s fine. Not your fault.”

  I expected Gavin to get up too, but he was just sitting there quietly watching me. “You want to come to family dinner sometime? It’s a big deal in our family. You could meet all of Dillon’s brothers and his cousins and my son, his nephew. He could show you around the farm and stuff too if you wanted.”

  Somehow this had turned from me kicking out an underage kid to me being invited to dinner with him and his whole family. I didn’t know what to think. I was struggling to catch up at all. “Uh. Thanks, but he’s a teenager. I’m almost forty. That’s never going to happen.”

  Seemingly undeterred, Gavin pulled out a business card from his wallet. It was bright yellow, and instead of it being Gavin’s business card like I’d expected it to be, it was Dillon’s. “Hillcrest Farm Honey,” I read aloud. And his cell number was there, neatly printed on the front.

  “In case you change your mind,” Gavin explained. “He’s definitely too young to date, I’ll give you that, but he’s kind of a loner, and he’s shy, and he could use a friend so—”

  “Jesus Christ could you make me sound any more pathetic?” Dillon snapped.

  Gavin laughed. “Probably not, but remember, you brought this on yourself. Be seeing you, Cal.” He grabbed Dillon’s sleeve and pulled him roughly out of the club. I didn’t even get a chance to say bye to him.

  I should have tossed the card. I definitely didn’t need it. But for some reason I went back to my locker and slipped it into my wallet before my next set.

  I got off work at close to three am. I was dreading going inside my house and seeing Travis there. The lights were all off but that didn’t mean much. He could very well have still been awake and after the blow up at the club he’d been staying away from me, but I was still more than ready to have my house to myself. I’d paid him for his half of it. He should have had plenty of money saved up to move out already, but all he’d said was that he needed more time. After the incident at the club I wasn’t interested in giving him any more time.

  But his truck was in the driveway and I was sure that he was in the house, so I didn’t want to be in there with him. At least not yet.

  I pulled out Dillon’s card. I shouldn’t even have had it. But I did. And a few seconds later I was putting him in my phonebook and then sending him a text. Hi. It’s Cal. Why did you lie to me?

  I figured it would be a few hours before I got a text back from him. If he decided to send me one at all. Maybe he was too embarrassed by how his cousin had laid him all out like he had. I might have been if I was him. I hadn’t had a great deal of confidence at his age.

  Finally, I went inside. I was instantly relieved to find that Travis was asleep in the guest bedroom. As quietly as possible, I got ready for bed. I brushed my teeth in the master bathroom, and I changed my clothes. Before we’d broken up, I would have never dreamed of wearing shorts to bed. I hated to wear clothes to bed. And even though I’d loved Travis with everything I was, I didn’t want to be naked around him again, even if he was in a different room. I was practically naked around strangers twice a week for work but that was different. They weren’t my ex boyfriends. They were strangers who just wanted to see me naked.

  It was three-thirty when I pulled back the sheets and crawled into bed. My phone was on because I needed the alarm for the morning, but I got a text instead. I pulled my phone close, both expecting and dreading a text from Travis. Maybe he’d just want to say goodnight. Maybe he would want to join me in bed one last time. I never could tell with him anymore, but I definitely wouldn’t have welcomed him
anywhere near me right then.

  Instead it was a text from Dillon. If I’d told you I was nineteen you would have never let me back in the club.

  Well, he was right there. Do you want me to come to dinner with your family sometime?

  Sure. If you want to. Look, I’m not in love with you or anything. I like looking at you. It’s a crush. That’s it. So if you’re still thinking I’m too young to date don’t worry about it. Gavin’s ex, Cindy, makes a pretty good Italian spread if you’re interested in coming tomorrow night. I’m not desperate like Gavin made me sound. But I wouldn’t mind having you there either. Your choice.

  I had to admit, he didn’t sound like any nineteen-year-old I would have expected to sound. And when he’d been sitting there at the club with a whiskey in front of him, he hadn’t really looked like one either. Thinking about him at the club inevitably led me back to thinking about how I’d danced for him.

  I dragged my hand roughly over my face. I needed to stop thinking about him like that. It wouldn’t do either of us any good. He was definitely hands-off. There was no way I was going to do anything with a teenager. Ever.

  But I did like Italian food, and having definite dinner plans meant I wouldn’t have to endure another awkward dinner at home with Travis because he was apparently too broke to go out and too miserable to get out there and find himself a new boyfriend to take him out to dinner. And I didn’t think that I should have to leave and go out to dinner on my own just to get a break from my ex.

  I could go for Italian, I texted back to Dillon.

  He sent me back an address. Best to get there around 6:30 but we don’t eat until 7. Don’t bring anything, especially not wine.

  There was clearly more there that he wasn’t saying, but I didn’t pry. It wasn’t my business. See you then.

  * * * *

  The sign for Hillcrest Farm was huge and completely unmistakable. Even the road I had to turn onto to get to Gavin’s house for dinner was called Hillcrest Farm Road. I thought it might have just been the name of a subdivision, but it definitely wasn’t. The road was big enough for two cars to drive down and on either side white vinyl farm fencing marked off pastures. I had horses to my left and either alpacas or llamas, I couldn’t tell the difference between them, to my right. They all watched me curiously, as if I was an outsider to their little group and they were wondering what I was doing there interrupting them.