American Honey

by Caitlin Ricci

  I heard Travis get up and I held my breath as he came out of his room. Seconds later he was there, in front of my closed bedroom door.

  “Cal?”

  I sighed. Apparently, we were doing this now. “It’s really late, Travis.”

  “You changed your status.”

  “I’m single.” I refused to apologize for what I’d just done. It was time. More than time actually. No matter what Travis did, he couldn’t get me to forgive him. There was no hope of us getting back together.

  “I know.”

  I thought maybe that was going to be the end of it.

  “Can I come in?”

  I didn’t want him in my room. Not at all. But he was still so important to me. He still mattered to me. Whether I wanted to admit that or not. “I’m too tired to fight with you right now so if that’s what you want to do, let’s wait until morning.”

  He opened my door. His cheeks were stained with his tears and I couldn’t help it, I opened my arms and let him get close to me again.

  “This has nothing to do with him, does it?”

  I shook my head and helped him lie down next to me. “No. If I do start anything with Dillon though, it’ll be after you move out at the end of the month. That’s the only way this will be fair to me, him, or you. You hurt me so much, but I can’t hurt you back. I won’t. I wish I didn’t still care about you as much as I do. But I can’t change that. So now all I’m trying to do is not hurt more than I already do.”

  Travis was quiet for a long time as he simply laid next to me until he finally said, “Do you think he’ll make you happy?”

  I shrugged. “I have no idea. I know he won’t make me miserable though. At least not at first. Though, if he hurts me, too, I don’t know how I’ll feel at that point.”

  Travis gave me a little half smile, but I hadn’t been joking. “I hope you’re happy with him. Seriously, I do. I’m not trying to be an ass right now. I still love you. I wish I’d never hurt you. I wish I could take it back. But I can’t. And I can’t get over your job. I thought I could, and I tried for years not to let it bother me. And it was easier once you cut back your hours when I asked you to spend more nights with me. But I’ll never be the guy that’s able to date a stripper and not wondering what you’re doing constantly. I wish I could have been.”

  “I wish you could have been, too.” I reached out and took his hand. As much as my friendship with him was rocky right now, and as much as the place we were in sucked right now, having a conversation like this with him gave me hope for us to possibly be friends someday in the future. “I’d like to be friends though. Someday, when this all doesn’t hurt so much and I don’t feel so raw whenever you’re around, I’d like to actually be your friend again if you think you can be mine.”

  “I’d love to be your friend again. Maybe we could double date or something.”

  The idea had been forced. I knew that. He wasn’t ready to see me with someone else and I wasn’t ready for that either. The respect I still had for him was a big reason why Dillon wouldn’t be coming over to the house until Travis was out of it. But the idea was there. That little glimmer of hope that maybe we could be good again, someday down the road. We’d never be how we were again but after having him be a huge part of my life for five years I wasn’t ready to just cut ties with him completely.

  “Dillon has brothers and cousins,” I quietly offered. I wasn’t serious. But it felt like the right thing to say, like maybe we were one step closer to healing, though we’d be doing it apart.

  He made a sour face, but I could tell his heart wasn’t behind it. “Are any of them legal? I’m not trying to be a cradle robber like you.”

  I hit him with a pillow, and he hit me with one, too. We were laughing soon after, which, despite the hurt and the pain and just how god awful tired I was, it felt good to laugh with him again. Even if he was making a joke at my expense.

  Still laughing, he got up from my bed. “I’m gonna go back to the spare room. Thanks for letting me in tonight. I’m serious. This meant a lot to me. I won’t pretend it doesn’t hurt to know that you’re moving on, but I do hope he makes you happy.”

  I got up and hugged him. I kissed him on his cheek. And then I was alone again, and this time I actually did get to sleep.

  Chapter Seven

  Dillon

  Cal’s question unnerved me, even into the next day when I sat on my bed watching movies. There really wasn’t much day to day work in beekeeping and what I did have to do took maybe half an hour at the most. How would my family take me dating a guy who was thirty-eight? I didn’t doubt that they would have something to say about me dating a stripper either, though I could easily imagine more than one of them coming with me to watch him dance in a few years when I could actually get into Gents again. Having them there wouldn’t bother me. If I was dating Cal, then he would be mine and anyone looking at him could look all they wanted. Having a crush on Cal was one thing. They’d taken it as me being a teenager and me liking to look at him. Both of those points were true. But dating him would be more serious. It would mean that I was having sex with him. I was an adult and I could date who I wanted to, but I wondered how my family would take the realization that I wasn’t just a kid with a crush anymore and that what I felt for Cal was actually more serious than that.

  My phone beeped and I looked down at it, surprised that there was a friend request from Cal. I accepted his request right away but then I started digging through his profile. I figured he’d done the same to me, so it was only fair. I saw plenty of pictures of him at work which I assumed that there would be. And then there was the album simply titled, Travis and Me. There was something quite different about knowing he had an ex-boyfriend and then seeing them together even if it was only in pictures. I saw their happiness but, more than that, I saw just how much Cal had loved him. And for that I was sad for them both because it looked like the kind of relationship that everyone dreamed about and now it was over.

  Those pictures of you sitting next to Kyle when he’s an infant really drive home how young you are, Cal texted me.

  I rolled my eyes and went to Gavin’s pictures where he had uploaded pretty much every picture he had ever taken of Kyle as a baby, including quite a few naked bath-time in the sink photos that I was sure Kyle wished were not online. I found the ones that Cal was talking about and they made me snicker. There I was with a baby on my lap and I looked like I wanted nothing to do with this screaming crying wriggling pink thing that my cousin had made me hold. I had to have been four or five in the photo and I looked completely disgusted with my new family member.

  I instantly tagged Kyle and Cal in a comment. Aw little Kyle, such an ugly little baby. I was joking of course. For the most part anyway. By and by large babies really didn’t appeal to me.

  I got a text from Cal a few minutes later. I take it you don’t really like kids.

  I snorted as I replied back to him, I don’t like babies. Once kids are maybe five or six and able to do stuff with me, I don’t mind them. I even do some 4H and FFA stuff each year with kids who want to learn about keeping bees.

  I know 4H. What’s FFA?

  I had forgotten that he hadn’t grown up on a farm like I had. Future Farmers of America. Maybe it was a little early to be having the kids talk. Maybe not. Maybe it showed that he was actually taking the idea of dating me seriously, and not just wanting to have sex with me like most guys I’d talked to. Did it matter to me if he wanted kids? I’d been told for years that I was so good with kids, that I was a mentor to them, that I would have been the perfect father/big brother, cousin, uncle... whatever. I’d always heard how I was going to change my mind about wanting kids of my own. First it was that when I met the right girl, then when I came out it instantly switched to when I met the right guy I’d want kids. But really my feelings about babies hadn’t changed at all. I still didn’t like them. And I got told that I was selfish for that. Because I had the resources to
have a kid, and the time to take care of one. But why did that mean that I was supposed to have one?

  Do you want kids? I ended up asking Cal.

  Not really. I’d have a pet though.

  I was a lot more relieved than I thought I would’ve been. I didn’t expect that Cal and I would be together forever or anything like that. But it was nice not to have that kind of instant pressure from yet another person in my life. Gavin loved his kid. He’d been a great dad for all of Kyle’s life. But that didn’t mean that the rest of us were going to be great dads, too. As much as I liked hanging out with Kyle, he wasn’t going to make me suddenly want to adopt a kid or hire a surrogate or something anytime soon, or ever.

  I can live with a pet. Though probably a cat. I do a lot of conferences and sometimes I’m gone for long hours even when I am around. That wouldn’t really be fair to a dog but from what I know of cats they might not care.

  If you were with someone, they would be there to take care of the dog, too.

  He did have a point there. But I wanted to date this ‘someone’ for at least a few months before we went to any animal shelters together. Still, I saw where he was going. True. But we’re not looking at dogs as our first date.

  I was surprised that Cal was suddenly calling me, but I picked up. Of course I did. I liked talking to him. “Hey.”

  “Hi. I’m not taking you to go dog shopping anytime soon. You can expect a ring before we get a dog.”

  I laughed a lot louder than I meant to. “I can live with that.” I paused the movie and got up to go get some more sweet tea.

  “How’s beekeeping today?”

  I shrugged and sipped some of my tea before answering him. “Not much happening here. I decided to requeen a colony this morning. The colony was underperforming. They’re going to get a new queen tomorrow. I’ve got a supplier in Springfield. Picking her up at two.” I wasn’t expecting him to go on a date with me tomorrow, but I was definitely dropping hints. We were talking about how much we didn’t want kids and him taking care of our dog when I went out of town. A first date was definitely in order.

  “Are you saying that you want to get lunch?”

  I could tell he was smiling by his tone. “Are you free to get lunch tomorrow?” I countered.

  “Yeah. I am. But only lunch. Travis is still living here. Though, if you wanted to get a hotel room for a few hours...”

  He let his suggestion linger there and I considered it. But even though I didn’t have a lot of the more traditional ideas about my virginity, I still didn’t want my first time to be in a hotel room where we’d just really be going for a quickie. I wanted more than that. “Maybe another time, but not for my first.”

  His breath caught and I let him mull that over for a bit. Yeah, I was a virgin. Yes, if we got that far he would be my first. It wasn’t really a world-shattering event here.

  “You sure you don’t want someone closer to your own age to be your first?” he finally asked me.

  I rolled my eyes. “No, I don’t. And if I did, I could have. I’m not interested in you because of your age. I don’t have a daddy kink thing going on here. I think you’re nice. Whether you were eighteen or fifty, I would still think you were nice, and you’d still have a chance of getting in my pants. Can we please move past this? Please?”

  He sighed. “You’re right. I’m trying.”

  “Thank you.” That was something at least. “Do you work tomorrow? I could pick you up and we could get lunch then you could go get the queen with me and we could requeen together and you could hang out here. You could even spend the night.” I let my offer hang there in the air between us until well after I’d realized he was going to turn me down. “So that’s a no.”

  “It is, yes. But not to all of it. Just to having sex with you this soon.”

  “Did you have sex with Travis every single night that you spent together?” I asked him, a little more forcefully than I had meant to.

  “Well, no. Not at all.”

  Which is what I had figured anyway. “So wouldn’t it stand to reason that maybe I don’t want to have sex with you just yet either and that I maybe just want to have you here so that we can talk and hang out together like two guys who are dating probably would?”

  I didn’t know how I could make this easier on him. I wasn’t after him just to have sex. I’d like to be with him, someday soon, but not on our first date.

  “You’re right. I need to get ready for work. I cut back on my hours originally to make Travis more comfortable, but I’ve been picking up shifts.” He paused, like he expected me to say something to that.

  “Okay.” I didn’t know what he wanted from me. As long as he still had time to meet with me, I didn’t mind him working as much as he wanted to.

  “You really don’t care, do you?”

  I took a nice big sip of my tea before replying. At least the tea didn’t question me unnecessarily all the time like he was starting to. “Look, Cal, I really don’t care what you do for a living. You enjoy it so go for it. I’m not going to be able to keep telling you that I’m okay with it. You just have to trust me on that. I’m more annoyed that you decided not to do something that you enjoy because someone had a problem with it.”

  He chuckled. “Thanks for that. I’ll keep that in mind. So we’ll get together tomorrow?”

  I was really glad to get that settled. “Absolutely. I’ll text you and you can give me your address. It’ll be fun.” I was looking forward to seeing him again.

  “See you soon.”

  He hung up and I finished my tea before going out for a walk in the woods before dinner.

  Chapter Eight

  Cal

  I took my first extra shift in five years that night and I couldn’t help being nervous. It was one thing for a guy I was interested in to say he didn’t care about what I did, but I’d heard that before. More than once. It was Travis’ voice talking in my head as I started getting ready in the back of the stage. There was a wall between me and what was probably fifty guys. The night was young still. They barely looked buzzed at all out there.

  Travis had told me that he was fine with me working, at first anyway. That had been his tune for probably the first year. Maybe the first sixteen months of our relationship. Then, he’d started in on me. It wasn’t anything big. Not at first. Just little questions, like why was I working there so much when I could show off for a guy who actually loved me right here. I remembered him saying that if I really loved him, I wouldn’t go to the club that night. He’d gotten me to call off shifts, to cut back my hours, to not even think about working extra hours, even when I wanted something expensive that I was saving up for, or when he was out of town for work.

  I thought about his words, his disapproval, as I changed out of my jeans and t-shirt and pulled on a pair of blue mesh shorts. I didn’t really strip. Not like a lot of guys at the club did. I preferred to start practically naked and tease and tempt the guys around me. I may pull down the shorts a little here and there, but they were practically see-through anyway, so there wasn’t much use in showing off more.

  I forced myself to stop thinking about Travis. I was about to start dancing. I needed to be upbeat, positive and happy. I couldn’t wonder if Dillon was just one more guy that was going to judge me for what I did, what I loved to do. I couldn’t handle that again. I was thirty-eight. I wanted to have a relationship. I was ready to settle down.

  I didn’t know the song that I went on stage to. It was pop-y and upbeat and I used that to get my energy right. There were four guys, all in business suits right by the stage. They already had drinks in their hands, and they had money out. I flirted with them. I touched their hair. I kissed their cheeks. And it felt good. Dancing felt good again. Flirting, winking, blowing kisses. It was all part of my job and I enjoyed it. There was no reason I should have been made to feel shame for something I enjoyed so much.

  I danced and laughed and by the time I was done with my
set I was looking forward to giving some guys a lap dance. One of the guys in suits waved me over right away and I went and put my arm around his waist. “Hey cutie, want a dance?” I leaned into him. I kissed his cheek when he blushed.

  “Uh. Yeah. For all of us?”

  I looked to the others, they were all smiling too, and clearly into the idea. “Sure. Two hundred.”

  He handed me the twenties and I led them back to a private dance area. It was just dancing. Sure, I was naked. And yeah, I did touch them, and I rubbed my butt on more than one crotch that night, but it was just dancing. Just fun. I hoped that Dillon actually did understand that. I couldn’t be made to feel ashamed of what I did, again.

  By the end of the night I was exhausted, but I was happier at work than I’d been in months. Maybe even years. I’d made over a thousand dollars in just six short hours. As we were getting ready to leave, the owner wanted to get some more promotional pictures for the website. Before I’d always tried to find a way out of doing stuff like that if I could have. And if I couldn’t, I would make sure to put as much on as I could while still helping him get the picture that he needed.

  That night though, I was all smiles as I grinded up against another guy in just the mesh shorts and we spanked each other and made out. I didn’t think about what Travis would say when he saw them because, if he ever even did, his opinion no longer mattered in my life.

  I didn’t want Dillon to be upset either though, but at the same time, I looked at those pictures as a way to test him, as unfair as that probably was. If he could really handle my job, my life, and everything that I did like he said that he could, then I wanted to know that. If he couldn’t, then I would count myself lucky to have been able to get out so easily and without my heart broken this time.