Crib Notes

by Holly Jacobs

  “‘Before, I wanted to hide how different my family was, but then I figured out that biology might determine your skin and hair color, it might determine if you’re tall or short, but it’s your family that makes up your heart. It’s your family that makes you whole, the person you really are.’

  “I took my family to school later that year for show-and-tell. Though in fourth grade we’d really outgrown the tradition, Mom stood by me and my entire family showed up and let me introduce them to my class. And I told all those kids that my family didn’t match on the outside, that we never would, but we matched on the inside and that’s all that counts.’

  “‘And that’s what family means to me.’”

  Eli was crying like everyone else was. The men were more circumspect about it, blinking rapidly, discreetly wiping their eyes, but they were crying, too.

  “Mom,” Cessy whined, “I can’t believe you did that.”

  “And I can’t believe my daughter wrote such a beautiful essay. I remember the day you took us to school, but you never said why you did it.” Mrs. Keller brushed away her own tears. “Well, I’m going to frame this essay, Cessy, and some day when you’re grown and have a family of your own, I’ll show it to them, and let them know that matching on the outside doesn’t matter to me…”

  Zac leaned closer to Eli, whispering, “And it doesn’t matter to me.”

  Gently, he put his hand on her stomach, and Eli knew Zac Keller had accepted her baby, even if it wasn’t his.

  She took Zac’s hand and squeezed it, letting him know she understood.

  When their eyes met, she truly got what Cessy had teased them about—talking without saying a word. And she’d been right because Eli could see not only his feelings for her, but also for the baby.

  Ariel and her aunt made their excuses a few minutes later. Ariel hadn’t said more than an obligatory greeting to Eli, but she’d noticed the girl was wearing the necklace she’d had Zac tuck in the Christmas box. Believe, it proclaimed. And Eli silently wished that Ariel would learn to believe in herself, and to believe that things would work out. Until Ariel could do that, Eli would just believe for her.

  She and Zac spent another couple hours at his parents’. It was loud, and a bit crazy, but Eli had to admit, she loved Zac’s entire family.

  He drove her home, and as they pulled into her drive, she asked, “Can you come in for a few minutes? I have something for you.”

  “That’s funny because I have something for you.” Zac reached in the back and pulled out a bag, then followed Eli to the porch, where she dug through her purse for her keys.

  “I don’t always have this much trouble finding my keys. Maybe it happens when you’re around because you make me nervous.”

  “Do I?” He’d moved closer and she could feel his warm breath on her very cold neck. But her shivers had nothing to do with the warmth, and everything to do with the proximity of him.

  He affected her like no one ever had.

  Finally, she snagged her keys and opened the door.

  He made himself at home, taking off his coat and boots before she’d managed, and by the time she walked into the living room, he’d snapped on the lights and even plugged in her tree.

  “While you’re over there, grab the present wrapped in red.”

  He came back carrying it, with his shopping bag as well.

  “You first, please,” she said. “I’ve wanted to give it to you for more than a week.”

  He tore into the paper with childlike abandon. “Wow.”

  That was exactly the reaction she’d hoped for. “I’ll confess, I asked your mom to find the pictures for me.”

  He held the painting gently studying it.

  “I have a student who’s so talented, and she really could use the extra money. It’s not professional, but I think it’s beautiful. Your mom said she’s jealous because she said she’s never managed to get everyone home at the same time for a family portrait and she’s going to have Katie paint a second one for her.”

  The painting was of the Keller family. All six kids and Mr. and Mrs. Keller. After listening to Cessy’s essay tonight, Eli was even more pleased with the picture.

  “Eli, this is one of the best presents I’ve ever received.” He leaned over and hugged her. “Seriously, the best.” Zac reached down, grabbed his bag and thrust it at her. “Here. Open the smaller one first.”

  She was much neater at taking off the paper, mainly because she’d always loved dragging the suspense out. Right now, the box was potentially anything, but in a moment, she’d know what it was and the magic would be over.

  So she slowly worked the bow off, then the tape, and finally found a small tan, cardboard box and slid the lid off…and started laughing. While the box was small, it was rather large for a key ring. And as she held the silver key ring that looked as if someone had bedazzled it with the most gaudy jewels they could find, she continued laughing.

  “When I saw it, it practically glowed, and I thought you might have an easier time finding something that shiny in your purse.”

  “Oh, I guarantee I will.”

  “Now, open the flat one.” She did, and found tickets. “I got us season’s tickets to the Broadway series at the Warner Theater. I couldn’t help but notice that most of your CDs are show tunes.”

  For five years, Eli had done the philharmonic with Arthur. And she loved the music, but he’d never once asked, or noticed, that she loved Broadway even more. And here was Zac, who’d not only noticed, but had also bought tickets for them both.

  The fact that their tickets added another layer of permanence should have felt rushed, but instead felt comforting. She liked the idea of Zac being around for a long time.

  “I don’t know much about Broadway,” he continued, “but you’ll teach me.”

  She’d barely managed a thank-you when he said, “Okay, the last one’s not technically for you.”

  Eli took the much larger box from the bag and opened it. There was a chipped and well-used piggy bank.

  “I know it’s not the prettiest thing in the world, but it’s all I had when I came to the Kellers’. I’d been in foster care for two years, and they moved me from home to home, and I brought that bank with me. I squirreled away every penny I found, and in my mind, I was going to save enough to run away.”

  Eli had a mental image of Zac as a little boy, clutching his piggy bank and dreaming his dreams. She blinked hard, fighting back the tears. Trying to lighten the mood, she gave it a small shake. “It’s empty, now. So what did you do with your riches?”

  “Yes, it’s empty. After I’d been with Mom and Dad for about a year, the adoption was official and I finally figured out they weren’t going to send me anywhere else. Then the Kellers asked me if I would mind having a little brother or sister. I told them, wait a minute and went upstairs and I emptied the bank. I took my fortune—all eight dollars and sixty-two cents—down to Mom. I didn’t know how it worked, and guessed they were going to buy a brother or sister for me, and I wanted to help. It’s been empty ever since and collecting dust at my place. For years it was my security blanket of sorts…The only thing that stayed the same. It occurred to me that maybe the baby could use a little security.”

  Eli ran her fingers lightly along the beat-up pig, then gently set it on the coffee table, and turned to kiss the amazing man who’d come into her life at the most unexpected time, her baby sandwiched between them.

  CHAPTER NINE

  “When the mother first feels the baby move, it’s just the slightest flutter. First-time moms might not recognize it for what it is. Soon, the baby’s movements will be unmistakable.”

  —Crib Notes: Pregnancy, Childbirth and Parenting for Teens, by Mary Jeanne Lorei

  “HAPPY VALENTINE’S, MOM,” Eli said as she answered the phone on Sunday morning.

  “How did you know it was me?”

  Her mom had asked this question before, but anything more compli
cated than an electric mixer was out of her mother’s comfort zone. “Caller ID, remember?”

  “I forgot you were my little techno-geek.” Her mother paused and asked, “I got that right, right? Techno-geek?”

  Eli laughed. “Yes, you did.” She took the phone with her into the laundry room.

  “See, I do pay attention sometimes. And happy Valentine’s Day to you, too. Are you doing anything special tonight?”

  “Zac’s taking me to lunch, then he’s coming with me to my first childbirth class.”

  “Are you sure that’s a good idea? Maybe Tucker could be your partner, or I could come home—”

  Eli stopped. “Mom, we’ve been through this. Don’t cut short your winter in Florida. You’ll be home long before the baby’s born. And come on, you’ve met Tucker. I’m sure she would come to the classes with me if I asked, but Mom, it’s Tucker.”

  Eli pulled a towel from the dryer.

  “Tucker has had a baby, so I’m sure she could handle it,” her mother insisted.

  “Handle it? Yes. But be a comforting support system? She was an Amazon when she gave birth. I think she grunted a couple times, but she was so stoic, even the nurses commented. I’d feel as if I had to live up to that, and Mom, I’m no Amazon.”

  Eli was realistic. She was going to try to do a natural childbirth, but if the pain got too intense, she reserved her right to have drugs. To be honest, she would have felt she was letting her friend down.

  Plus, she wouldn’t admit it to her mom, but she wanted Zac with her. They’d grown so much closer since Christmas and—

  “Fine. I just worry about you and Zac.”

  “You like him.” Her inflection made it sound like a statement, but it was a question.

  “We liked him when we met him, Eli, but…”

  The word hung there ominously. “But?”

  “But your father and I worry. Things are going very fast between the two of you, and with all the changes in your life…” Her mother paused. “I want you to be careful. You’ve never been a fan of change. Do you remember when you were four and I made you give up your crib finally? It was three weeks until I slept again.”

  “Mom, I’ve heard the story but I don’t remember.”

  “Or, how about when we moved to Whedon. You swore you would ride your bike every day to our old place. When you realized it was too far, you spent a day sitting in the principal’s office because I could make you go to school, but I couldn’t make you pay attention in class.”

  “Seven, Mom. I was in second grade.” Eli did remember the move. It was traumatic for her. She’d missed the security of her old school and her established friends. She missed knowing where everything was in her house and room. All these years later, she remembered the feeling of a hole in her life.

  “And you carried your blanket to school every day that whole year, stuffed in your bookbag so your new friends wouldn’t know, but you just needed it near. I want to be sure that Zac isn’t another blanket, something to keep near when you’re going through a big change.”

  Eli felt a niggle of concern, but quickly pushed it aside. Zac wasn’t merely convenient to have around. “He makes me happy, Mom. Happy in a way I can’t remember being.”

  “I’m glad,” her mom assured her.

  “I know you worry, Mom. But this is one time you don’t have to. Zac’s good for me.”

  “I’ll call tomorrow to see how your class goes tonight.”

  “Talk to you then.”

  Eli sat on the floor of her small laundry room, dirty clothes surrounding her. That worry niggled at her some more.

  Was she just using Zac?

  ZAC WASN’T SURE WHAT he’d expected at a childbirth class, but the instructor had started them off slowly. No birth video to feel squeamish about.

  That was next week.

  “Arthur came by yesterday.” Eli collected her mat and coat, and was heading for the exit.

  “Oh?”

  “He’s been talking to a psychologist who told him he should embrace and explore his feelings for the baby. So, he wants to try. I suggested that he could come with me to my next sonogram. Maybe seeing the baby live on the screen, moving and so very real would help him figure things out. He said he’d try to make it.”

  They stood in silence. While Zac understood her insistence that Arthur had a right to be involved with the baby, he was still hurt. He was supposed to go to that appointment with Eli and she’d just dumped him to make Arthur feel better.

  Granted it was just one appointment, but what if somewhere down the line it was something else, something bigger?

  “Zac, I’m sorry Arthur’s changed our plans.”

  Zac wanted to tell her it was okay, that he understood. And he did understand, but he wasn’t okay with it. And admitting that made him feel small.

  He tried to think of some excuse, but his silence must have stretched too long because Eli spoke up.

  “Is something wrong? Arthur’s visit?” she asked.

  “It’s not really—” He stopped. “I could lie to you, but I won’t. Yes, it’s Arthur’s visit. It’s his ability to walk in and out of your life at will. The baby’s his. He doesn’t want it. He changes his mind by the minute. Well, I don’t. I want you. I want you more than you can know. There’s no waffling, no indecision.”

  “He’s the baby’s father.” She waited for him to respond. When he didn’t, she continued, “I told you this was a mistake, but you’re the one who insisted that single moms date and that it shouldn’t be any different for them.” She turned as if to leave.

  “Eli, I meant every word I said—”

  She wheeled around and faced him, her cheeks flushed. “Then I don’t understand. I’m not getting back with Arthur. I’ve made that clear. But he deserves to be a part of the baby’s—his baby’s—life if he wants to be.”

  “Eli, I care about you. Hell, that doesn’t even come close to covering how I feel about you….” Wasn’t this the time to tell her that he loved her?

  “But?” she prompted.

  “Not but, an and. And I care about this baby.”

  “I still don’t understand.” She leaned against the doorjamb, both hands resting on her rounded stomach.

  “Every time Arthur shows up, this feeling—” Zac shook his head. “I don’t know how to explain it. It’s not jealousy…”

  “I’m glad because I’ve told you, I don’t have feelings for Arthur anymore. He was familiar. Like teacher’s in-service days the first Wednesday of every month, or grocery shopping on Saturdays. I’m not proud of the fact that I was willing to settle, but I don’t feel anything else for Arthur.”

  “And yet, he’s here. Waffling about whether he wants to be a part of the baby’s life.”

  “He’s the biological father, he has rights and—Damn it, Zac, we’re going in circles here.”

  “I know we are. And if you were the kind of person who could ignore his rights, you wouldn’t be the woman I’ve fallen—” He quickly switched direction. “Did I ever tell you about Cessy?”

  It was a rhetorical question because Zac never talked about that time.

  Eli shook her head. “No.”

  “She mentioned it in that essay at Christmas. I was in my twenties when Mom and Dad brought the tiniest baby I’d ever seen home. Mom laughed and said she might already have five kids, but she was a novice at the baby stuff. Diapers. Bottles. She’d never dealt with any of that before. Neither had any of us, but we were all older and pitched in and learned. Cessy didn’t just have two parents doting on her, she had five siblings as well. We spoiled her.”

  “I wouldn’t say spoiled. She’s a beautiful girl inside and out.”

  Zac nodded. “I’d graduated college and was working alongside Dad at the store when Cessy…She was five and we were the only family she’d ever known, Eli. I was her big brother. She ran to me with boo-boos and secrets. Everything.”

  “So wh
at happened?” Eli asked.

  “Mom and Dad had been through adoption with the rest of us, but it was different with Cessy. There were more legal steps, and they—we all—were waiting for everything to clear so her adoption could be finalized. Her mother’s rights were terminated at birth but there were problems with finding her biological father. When they did, he claimed he didn’t know about her and that he wanted her.”

  Zac remembered his mother calling him, so hysterical that he couldn’t understand a word she was saying. He’d driven to the house and found everyone in tears. “I wanted to fight. I’d have spent every cent I had and bankrupted the store if I had to in order to keep her. But Mom and Dad—Eli, they said Cessy’s father had rights. I was furious that they didn’t do something to stop it. They were her parents. We were her siblings. We were her family. No DNA test would change that.”

  “Oh, Zac—”

  “The night before the social worker was to come for her, I gave her a necklace. A small gold circle. And I told her that it was a hug. That anytime she missed us she could press it close and it would be as if we were hugging her. She didn’t understand then, but the next day…”

  Ten years later, that morning was still vivid in his memory. “She cried and screamed, Eli. Over and over.”

  TEARS WERE STREAMING DOWN Eli’s face as she listened to Zac. She didn’t even bother trying to wipe them away. Her heart was breaking for him, for Cessy, for the entire Keller family.

  “I couldn’t stop them,” he continued, his voice ragged. “I couldn’t save Cecily. I didn’t lie, Eli. I can love your baby, sight unseen. It’s not a question of that, it’s a question of how will I survive if Arthur at some point takes…”

  “Zac, it’s not like that…Arthur’s not taking anyone,” she assured him.

  “Eli, it is just like that. I want to be this baby’s father.”