The Meaning of Liff

by Douglas Adams

  All institutional buildings must, by law, contain at least twenty ramsgates. These are doors which open the opposite way to the one you expect.

  RANFURLY (adj.)

  Fashion of trying ties so that the long thin end underneath dangles below the short fat upper end.

  RECULVER (n.)

  The sort of remark only ever made during Any Questions.

  RIPON (vb.)

  (Of literary critics.) To include all the best jokes from the book in the review to make it look as if the critic thought of them.

  ROCHESTER (n.)

  One who is able to gain occupation of the armrest on both sides of their cinema or aircraft seat.

  ROYSTON (n.)

  The man behind you in church who sings with terrific gusto almost tree quarters of a tone off the note.

  RUNCORN (n.)

  A peeble (q.v.) which is larger that a belper (q.v.)

  SADBERGE (n.)

  A violent green shrub which is ground up, mixed with twigs and gelatine and served with clonmult (q.v.) and buldoo (q.v.) in a container referred to for no known reason as a 'relish tray'.

  SAFFRON WALDEN (n.)

  To spray the person you are talking to with half-chewed breadcrumbs or small pieces of whitebait.

  SAVERNAKE (vb.)

  To sew municipal crests on to a windcheater in the belief that this will make the wearer appear cosmopolitan.

  SCAMBLEBY (n.)

  A small dog which resembles a throw-rug and appears to be dead.

  SCETHROG (n.)

  One of those peculiar beards-without-moustaches worn by religious Belgians and American scientists which help them look like trolls.

  SCONSER (n.)

  A person who looks around then when talking to you, to see if there's anyone more interesting about.

  SCOPWICK (n.)

  The flap of skin which is torn off you lip when trying to smoke an untipped cigarette.

  SCORRIER (n.)

  A small hunting dog trained to snuffle amongst your private parts.

  SCOSTHROP (vb.)

  To make vague opening or cutting movements with the hands when wandering about looking for a tin opener, scissors, etc. in the hope that this will help in some way.

  SCRABBY (n.)

  A curious-shaped duster given to you by your mother which on closer inspection turns out to be half an underpant.

  SCRABSTER (n.)

  One of those dogs which has it off on your leg during tea.

  SCRAMOGE (vb.)

  To cut oneself whilst licking envelopes.

  SCRANTON (n.)

  A person who, after the declaration of the bodmin (q.v.), always says,'... But I only had the tomato soup.'

  SCRAPTOFT (n.)

  The absurd flap of hair a vain and balding man grows long above one ear to comb it to the other ear.

  SCREEB (n.)

  To make the noise of a nylon anorak rubbing against a pair of corduroy trousers.

  SCREGGAN (n. banking)

  The crossed-out bit caused by people putting the wrong year on their cheques all through January.

  SCREMBY (n.)

  The dehydrated felt-tip pen attached by a string to the 'Don't Forget' board in the kitchen which has never worked in living memory but which no one can be bothered to throw away.

  SCROGGS (n.)

  The stout pubic hairs which protrude from your helping of moussaka in a cheap Greek restaurant.

  SCRONKEY (n.)

  Something that hits the window as a result of a violent sneeze.

  SCULLET (n.)

  The last teaspoon in the washing up.

  SEATTLE (vb.)

  To make a noise like a train going along.

  SHALUNT (n.)

  One who wears Trinidad and Tobago T-shirts on the beach in Bali to prove they didn't just win the holiday in a competition or anything.

  SHANKLIN (n.)

  The hoop of skin around a single slice of salami.

  SHENANDOAH (n.)

  The infinite smugness of one who knows they are entitled to a place in a nuclear bunker.

  SHEPPY (n.)

  Measure of distance (equal to approximately seven eighths of a mile), defined as the closest distance at which sheep remain picturesque.

  SHIFNAL (n.,vb.)

  An awkward shuffling walk caused by two or more people in a hurry accidentally getting into the same segment of revolving door. A similar effect is achieved by people entering three-legged races unwisely joined at the neck instead of the ankles.

  SHIRMERS (pl.n.)

  Tall young men who stand around smiling at weddings as if to suggest that they know they bride reather well.

  SHOEBURYNESS (abs.n.)

  The vague uncomfortable feeling you get when sitting on a seat which is still warm from somebody else's bottom.

  SHRIVENHAM (n.)

  One of Germaine Greer's used-up lovers.

  SIDCUP (n.)

  One of those hats made from tying knots in the corners of a handkerchief.

  SILESIA (n. medical)

  The inability to remember, at the critical moment, which is the better side of a boat to be seasick off.

  SILLOTH (n.)

  Something that was sticky, and is now furry, found on the carpet under the sofa the morning after a party.

  SIMPRIM (n.)

  The little movement of false modesty by which a girl with a cavernous visible cleavage pulls her skirt down over her knees.

  SITTINGBOURNE (n.)

  One of those conversions where both people are waiting for the other one to shut up so they can get on with their bit.

  SKEGNESS (n.)

  Nose excreta of a malleable consistency.

  SKELLOW (adj.)

  Descriptive of the satisfaction experienced when looking at a really good dry-stone wall.

  SKENFRITH (n.)

  The flakes of athlete's foot found inside socks.

  SKETTY (n.)

  Apparently self-propelled little dance a beer glass performs in its own puddle.

  SKIBBEREEN (n.)

  The noise made by a sunburned thighs leaving plastic chair.

  SLIGO (n.)

  An unnamed and exotic sexual act which people like to believe that famous films stars get up to in private. 'To commit slingo.'

  SLOGARIE (n.)

  Hillwalking dialect for the seven miles of concealed rough moorland which lie between what you though was the top of the hill and what actually is.

  SLUBBERY (n.)

  The gooey drips of wax that dribble down the sides of a candle so beloved by Italian restaurants with Chianti bottles instead of wallpaper.

  SLUGGAN (n.)

  A lurid facial bruise which everyone politely omits to mention because it's obvious that you had a punch-up with your spouse last night - but which into a door. It is useless to volunteer the true explanation because nobody will believe it.

  SLUMBAY (n.)

  The cigarette end someone discovers in the mouthful of lager they have just swigged from a can at the end of party.

  SMARDEN (vb.)

  To keep your mouth shut by smiling determinedly through you teeth. Smardening is largely used by people trying to give the impression that they're enjoying a story they've heard at least six times before.

  SMEARISARY (n.)

  The correct name for a junior apprentice greengrocer whose main duty is to arrange the fruit so that the bad side is underneath. From the name of a character not in Dickens.

  SNEEM (n.,vb.)

  Particular kind of frozen smile bestowed on a small child by a parent in mixed company when question, 'Mummy, what's this?' appears to require the answer,' Er...it's a rubber johnny, darling'.

  SNITTER (n.)

  One of the rather unfunny newspaper clippings pinned to an office wall, the humour of which is supposed to derive from the fact that the headline contains a name similar to that of one of the occupants to the office.

  SNITTERBY (n.)

  Someone who pins snitters (q.v.)
on to snitterfields (q.v.) and is also suspected of being responsible for the extinction of virginstows (q.v.)

  SNITTERFIELD (n.)

  Office noticeboard on which snitters (q.v.), cards saying 'You don't have to be mad to work here, but if you are it helps !!!' and slightly smutty postcards from Ibiza get pinned up by snitterbies (q.v.)

  SOLENT (adj.)

  Descriptive of the state of serene self-knowledge reached through drink.

  SOTTERLEY (n,)

  Uncovered bit between two shops with awnings, which you have to cross when it's raining.

  SPITTAL OF GLENSHEE (n.)

  That which has to be cleaned off castle floors in the morning after a bagpipe contest or vampire attack.

  SPOFFORTH (vb.)

  To tidy up a room before the cleaning lady arrives.

  SPROSTON GREEN (n.)

  The violent colour of one of Nigel Rees's jackets, worn when he thinks he's being elegant.

  STEBBING (n.)

  The erection you cannot conceal because you're not wearing a jacket.

  STOKE POGES (n.)

  The tapping moments of an index finger on glass made by a person futilely attempting to communicate with either a tropical fish or a post office clerk.

  STURRY (n.,vb.)

  A token run. Pedestrians who have chosen to cross a road immediately in front of an approaching vehicle generally give a little wave and break into a sturry. This gives the impression of hurrying without having any practical effect on their speed whatsoever.

  SUTTON and CHEAM (nouns)

  Sutton and cheam are the kinds of dirt into which all dirt is divided. 'Sutton' is the dark sort that always gets on to light-coloured things, 'cheam' the light-coloured sort that clings to dark items. Anyone who has ever found Marmite stains on a dress-shirt or seagull goo on a dinner jacket (a) knows all about sutton and cheam, and (b) is going to tome very curious dinner parties.

  SWANAGE (pl.n.)

  Swanage is the series of diversionary tactics used when trying to cover up the existence of a glossop (q.v.) and may include (a) uttering a high-pitched laugh and pointing out of the window (NB. this doesn't work more that twice); (b) sneezing as loudly as possible and wiping the glossop off the table in the same movement as whipping out your handkerchief; (c) saying 'Christ! I seen to have dropped some shit on your table' (very unwise); (d) saying 'Christ, who did that?' (better) (e) pressing your elbow on the glossop itself and working your arms slowly to the edge of the table; (f) leaving the glossop where it is but moving a plate over it and putting up with sitting at an uncomfortable angle the rest of the meal; or, if the glossop is in too exposed a position, (g) leaving it there unremarked except for the occasional humorous glance.

  SWANIBOST (adj.)

  Complete shagged out after a hard day having income tax explained to you.

  SYMOND'S YAT (n.)

  The little spoonful inside the lid of a recently opened boiled egg.

  TABLEY SUPERIOR (n.)

  The look directed at you in a theatre bar in the interval by people who've already got their drinks.

  TAMPA (n.)

  The sound of a rubber eraser coming to rest after dropping off a desk in a very quiet room.

  TAROOM (vb.)

  To make loud noises during the night to let the burglars know you are in.

  TEGUCIGALPA (n.)

  An embarrassing mistake arising out of confusing the shape of something rather rude with something perfectly ordinary when groping for it in the darkness. A common example of a tegucigalpa is when a woman pulls a packet of Tampax out of her bag and offers them around under the impression that it is a carton of cigarettes.

  THEAKSTONE (n.)

  Ancient mad tramp who jabbers to himself and swears loudly and obscenely on station platforms and traffic islands.

  THROCKING (participial vb.)

  The action of continually pushing down the lever on a pop-up toaster in the hope that you will thereby get it to understand that you want it to toast something. Also: a style of drum-playing favoured by Nigel Olsson of the Elton John Band, reminiscent of the sound of someone slapping a frankfurter against a bucket. An excellent example of this is to be heard on 'Someone Save My Life Tonight' from the album Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy.

  THROUCKMORTON (n.)

  The soul of a departed madman: one of those now known to inhabit the timing mechanism of pop-up toasters.

  THRUMSTRER (n.)

  The irritating man next to you in a concert who thinks he's (a) the conductor, (b) the brass section.

  THRUPP (vb.)

  To hold a ruler on one end on a desk and make the other end go bbddbbddbbrrbrrrrddrr.

  THURNBY (n.)

  A rucked-up edge of carpet or linoleum which everyone says someone will trip over and break a leg unless it gets fixed. After a year or two someone trips over it and breaks a leg.

  TIBSHELF (n.)

  Criss-cross wooden construction hung on a wall in a teenage girl's bedroom which is covered with glass bambies and poodles, matching pigs and porcelain ponies in various postures.

  TIDPIT (n.)

  The corner of a toenail from which satisfying little black deposits may be sprung.

  TIGHARRY (n.)

  The accomplice or 'lure' who gets punters to participate in the three card trick on London streets by winning an improbable amount of money very easily.

  TILLICOULTRY (n.)

  The man-to-man chumminess adopted by an employer as a prelude for telling an employee that he's going to have to let him go.

  TIMBLE (vb.)

  (Of small nasty children.) To fail over very gently, look around to see who's about, and then yell blue murder.

  TINCLETON (n.)

  A man who amuses himself in your lavatory by pulling the chain in mid-pee and then seeing if he can finish before the flush does.

  TINGRITH (n.)

  The feeling of silver paper against your fillings.

  TODBER (n.)

  One whose idea of a good time is to stand behind his front hedge and give surly nods to people he doesn't know.

  TODDING (vb.)

  The business of talking amiably and aimlessly to the barman at the local.

  TOLOB (n.)

  A crease or fold in an underblanket, the removal of which involves getting out of bed an largely remaking it.

  TOLSTACHAOLAIS (phr.)

  What the police in Leith require you to say in order to prove that you are not drunk.

  TOOTING BEC (n.)

  A car behind which one draws up at the traffic lights and hoots at when the lights go green before realising that the car is parked and there is no one inside.

  TORLUNDY (n.)

  Narrow but thickly grimed strip of floor between the fridge and the sink unit in the kitchen of a rented flat.

  TORONTO (n.)

  Generic term for anything which comes out of a gush despite all your careful efforts to let it out gently, e.g. flour into a white sauce, tomato ketchup on to fried fish, sperm into a human being, etc.

  TOTTERIDGE (n.)

  The ridiculous two-inch hunch that people adopt when arriving late for the theatre in the vain and futile hope that it will minimise either the embarrassment of the lack of visibility for the rest of the audience. c.f. hickling.

  TRANTLEMORE (vb.)

  To make a noise like a train crossing a set of points.

  TREWOFFE (n.)

  A very thick and heavy drift of snow balanced precariously on the edoge of a door porch waiting for what it judges to be the correct moment to fall. From the ancient Greek legend 'The Treewofe of Damocles'.

  TRISPEN (n.)

  A form of intelligent grass. It grows a single, tough stalk and makes its home on lawns. When it sees the lawnmower coming it lies down and pops up again after it has gone by.

  TROSSACHS (pl.n.)

  The useless epaulettes on an expensive raincoat.

  TUAMGRANEY (n.)

  A hideous wooden ornament that people hang over
the mantelpiece to prove they've been to Africa.

  TULSA (n.)

  A slurp of beer which has accidentally gone down your shirt collar.

  TUMBY (n.)

  The involuntary abdominal gurgling which fills the silence following someone else's intimate personal revelation.

  TWEEDSMUIR (collective n.)

  The name given to the extensive collection of hats kept in the downstairs lavatory which don't fit anyone in the family.

  TWEMLOW GREEN (n.)

  The colour of some of Nigel Rees's trousers, worn in the mistaken belief that they go rather well with his sproston green (q.v.) jackets.

  TWOMILEBORRIS (n.)

  A popular Ease European outdoor game in which the first person to reach the front of the meat queue wins, and the losers have to forfeit their bath plugs.

  TYNE and WEAR (nouns)

  The 'Tyne' is the small priceless or vital object accidentally dropped on the floor (e.g. diamond tie clip, contact lens) and the 'wear' is the large immovable object (e.g. Welsh dresser, car-crusher) that it shelters under.