by H A Dawson
I wanted to hold onto my emotional strength and not burden him with my woes. I might have achieved it had he not told me I was the most undeserving of the nurses to receive a suspension. Then, I fell into his arms and wept.
Chapter 9
My outburst was a highly embarrassing experience and almost as soon as it started, I regained my composure, pulled away from Glenn, and climbed into his car. Glenn didn’t say a word, only passing me a concerned glance prior to us making our journey home. Such a reaction did nothing to ease my embarrassment, and I clasped and unclasped my hands and fiddled with my handbag. I couldn’t think of a damned thing to say, and neither, it seemed, could Glenn.
He stopped the car close to my house.
‘I enjoyed the exhibition,’ I said. ‘Thanks for asking me.’
‘My pleasure.’
I released my seatbelt and reached for the door handle. ‘I’m sorry about …’ My words blocked. ‘Just now.’
‘Think nothing of it. It happens.’
‘Even so, I hardly know you and …’ I gulped. ‘And it shouldn’t have happened.’
He smiled and then told me he would call me. I nodded solemnly and exited his vehicle. I didn’t look back and hurried to the house to hide my shame.
I would have hoped for a bit more understanding or sympathy from Glenn, especially since he’d displayed both those traits to Austin. His silence and awkwardness had made me feel uncomfortable and caused me to wonder if I’d overreacted to a situation that wasn’t such a big deal. So, I had been suspended from a job I loved, but it wasn’t the end of the world. Worse things happened in life. I could have Lauren’s terminal illness or someone close to me could have committed suicide as Jodi Tryst, the photographer at the exhibition had. My life was by no means over and I shouldn’t be treating it as such.
Taking such a firm stance, though, wasn’t easy. I loved my job and couldn’t imagine myself doing anything else. Even the other jobs in the caring profession didn’t appeal to me, such as working in a care home or as a social worker. Nursing was my calling; it was the only job for me.
The moment I arrived inside my house, Kelly appeared from the lounge. She asked me how my day had gone and I did the same back. I was grateful for her companionship, and once she had shared everything that was important to her, I told her a little about my outing to see Austin. I didn’t speak of Lauren’s stilted reaction since I didn’t want to have to think of her, nor did I speak of Glenn. It proved a good decision, and we soon started to speak of better things.
As we did so, we decided to make a meal. Since Matt was taking taekwondo classes, it was going to be just the two of us at the table. I prepared the jacket potatoes and extracted portions of lasagne from the fridge to warm, and Kelly took control of the vegetables. Twenty minutes or so later, we sat down at the small kitchen table to eat.
‘Oh, my word!’ Kelly screeched suddenly. ‘I’ve just remembered something. Matt said you went out on a date with someone by the name of Glenn. What happened? I hope your early arrival back home isn’t a bad sign.’
I smiled. ‘He had something else planned, which was fair enough.’
‘Where did you go?’
‘We went to the photographic exhibition in Lockwood and had a coffee afterwards. It was interesting—he’s a likeable man.’
‘Are you going to see him again?’
I gazed at my food, my shame rising. ‘I don’t know.’
‘What do you mean, you don’t know? Did it go well?’
I forced a calm front. ‘It did. It’s not love at first sight or anything like that but I do like him. He’s easy to talk to and has an affinity for Austin. I think he’ll help me with trying to reunite him with Lauren.’
‘Are you sure you should be getting involved with her?’
‘No.’ I said firmly. ‘But I’m going to, anyway. It was part of a deal I made with her to stop her from jumping. That aside, I like Austin. I sense there’s a good kid somewhere hiding within.’
‘I hope you won’t let her run you ragged.’
‘I will put my foot down if I have to. In fact, I already have done. After we got back to her flat, she wanted me to go inside for another chat. I told her I was busy.’
‘Only because you had a date planned with Glenn!’
I grinned. ‘So maybe it was. But you know what I’m like. I’m a sucker for anyone in need of help. Once upon a time, I would have put her first before my outing with Glenn.’
‘He was quick off the mark. He must be really into you.’
The thought caused me to tense, so I focused on my meal. I hoped that Kelly wouldn’t notice my unease, but she was as sharp as ever and after a few moments asked me if something undesirable had happened with Glenn.
‘No,’ I said stiffly. ’I’m not going to claim I’m head over heels in love with him, because I’m not, but as I said, he’s a likeable man.’
‘Likeable as in going to keep on seeing him or likeable as in only if I have to.’
I grinned. ‘You don’t give up, do you?’
‘I know you well enough to know when you’re hiding something.’
I did not respond.
‘Did you exchange numbers?’
‘We did.’
‘And did he say he’d call you?’
I nodded.
‘So he’s into you.’ She finished her meal and placed the knife and fork on the edge of the plate. ‘There’s no harm in passing time with him. It’s not against the rules.’
‘I never said there was.’
‘Ooh, defensive! Something did happen, didn’t it?’
I hurried to my feet, gathered our used plates and crockery, and placed them in the dishwasher. Then I grabbed a dishcloth and keeping my back turned, wiped the surface of the worktop.
‘Ebs,’ Kelly said. ‘What is it?’
I spun around. ‘I embarrassed myself, okay? It made things awkward between us and I don’t know where I stand. I do like him, and agree not every relationship has to start with bolts of lightning and fireworks.’ My thoughts drifted. ‘I’m not saying it was absent because it wasn’t. There was something there.’
‘Do you wish to tell me what happened?’
I started to quake. ‘He didn’t know about my suspension and it all came out in a garble, and before I knew it was crying in his arms. It was embarrassing.’
‘How did he react?’
‘He never said a word. I pulled away from him and climbed into his car. We were on our way home anyway. Even so …’
‘If that’s ruined it, then I hate to be the one to say this, but he’s not worth worrying about.’
‘I know and I do agree with you. It’s just … I don’t know … I didn’t expect that kind of reaction, that’s all.’
‘Perhaps he was surprised, or maybe he just doesn’t know how to react around emotional women.’
‘I’m not unusually emotional.’
‘No, but you have been through hell. You’re going to have to forgive yourself for the things you do that may be out of character.’ She paused. ‘Anyway, he must have cared if you say you were in his arms. I doubt you would have thrown yourself at him.’
My expression was tight with distress.
‘Come now, Ebs. Try to see the funny side. You probably scared him half to death. My guess is that he’s not around women much. He thinks we’re an alien species.’
‘I sometimes think we are.’ I brushed my hand across my face. ‘I don’t want to have to tiptoe around him. As you said, I’m going through an emotional time and I might occasionally lose it. I can’t be thinking of how he’s feeling as well as everything else.’
‘Then dump him.’
I stared. It was a logical solution, but at the same time, I liked the idea of seeing him again. He wasn’t like the men I usually met; he had an air of mystique and sophistication about him and, or so I’d sensed prior to my outburst, a compassionate side too.
‘It’s fine,’ I said. ‘I’m making too mu
ch of it. It’s just been a tough day. I feel I’m giving my all to helping Lauren and Austin and it’s draining me. I haven’t even given my suspension a second thought.’
As soon as I’d made my comment, I’d regretted my statement. In truth, I had given it consideration but I had found as many excuses as I could to avoid dealing with it. To accept it was an issue meant it was part of my life. I didn’t want that. I wanted to pretend that I was on an extended holiday from work, and maybe, in the meantime, someone would tell me there had been a huge mistake.
I could always hope.
Kelly caught my attention. ‘And that’s why you should be limiting the time you spend with them. You have to think of yourself now, honey.’
I did not reply.
‘I assume you have contacted your union rep.’
I lowered my head and brushing past went to the lounge. As I did so, I mumbled a negative reply then added that I intended to do it the following day. I also used the excuse that I had been busy, but she knew as well as I did that I had spent most of the time since learning of my suspension doing little. Her response was harsh, and as much as I hated to admit it, it was justifiable.
At the very least, I should have been looking for another job. Kelly may be able to tolerate my inability to pay the bills in the short term, but I doubted that she would do that forever. And I couldn’t blame her. If I were in her position, I would be the same. It wouldn’t be about the money. It would be about helping a friend get the best from themselves during trying times.
Sinking into the sofa, I passed her a strained glance.
‘By the way,’ she said. ‘Matt said he’d told you that your mother was on the warpath.’
‘He did. I do love her, but I wish she’d get off my case.’
‘I’m afraid to say that’s not going to happen. She left a message on the answering machine. She’s coming around tomorrow.’
‘What?’ My head dropped into the rear cushion of the sofa. ‘Can my life get any worse?’
‘You never know, she might have calmed down and be on your side.’
‘Do you honestly think that’s likely?’
‘It’s a possibility,’ she said softly. ‘You never know.’
‘I wish I had your confidence.’
‘Don’t fret, Ebony. It’ll turn out okay, you’ll see.’ She turned to leave then paused at the doorway. There was a glint in her eyes. ‘And if not, you’ll always be able to cry on Glenn’s shoulder.’
‘Not funny Kelly!
‘It so is,’ she yelled back.
‘Not!’
‘Is!’
Amused by our banter, I rotated the cushion in my hands and gazed at the television. Kelly was a good friend. My life could be far worse, for sure. From now on, that would be my focus. I would consider the positives in my life rather than the negatives; I would consider my mother in the best possible light.
Chapter 10
My decision to maintain a little optimism started to waver as I waited for my mother’s arrival. If she provided me with the support that I would expect of her then I would be pleased to see her; as it was, I didn’t believe she would provide me with any good thoughts and my stomach churned at the prospect of our meeting. In truth, I would sooner be seeing Glenn and facing my embarrassment than this, and glanced at my phone, hoping for a message or missed call. None was there.
After spending ten minutes filled with dread, I saw my mother park her car on the road outside my house then stride to the door. Her tense expression did nothing to relax me, and so feeling more anxious than ever, I hurried to let her in. I greeted her with a nervous welcome at which point she glanced me up and down. I sensed she was checking my attire, and my loose-fitting black pants and a floral blouse, although I couldn’t determine why. Whilst she could be fastidious with her own appearance, she rarely commented on my choice of outfits. I decided to ignore her, and made us both a drink and joined her in the lounge.
‘How have you been spending your time?’ she asked.
I tensed. ‘I’ve been keeping busy. I’ve seen Lauren and spent time with her son.’ I hesitated. ‘She’s the woman who tried to jump from the hospital roof.’
‘I know who she is.’ She held a tight stare. ‘Are you seeing her on a personal level or is she employing you?’
I decided not to react to her tone and once I’d told her it was personal, I shared the basics of her troubles with Austin. I didn’t do it because I believed she would be interested; I did it because I wanted to avoid speaking of my suspension.
Surprisingly, my mother was attentive and agreed that Lauren had been foolish in her decision to react as quickly as she had with the stash of drugs. She also told me that she understood her desire to help her son before her passing.
‘She knows she’s done wrong,’ I said, ‘but making Austin see it is another matter. He believes she planted the drugs and informed the police so he’d be arrested. I don’t know Lauren particularly well, but I don’t think she’d do that. I think she made an innocent mistake.’
‘Have you considered that maybe he’s right and that’s the real reason for her intense guilt?
Her suggestion worried me. Mum was right to question it and it would explain her suicide attempt. Was I being gullible believing her?
‘It sounds to me like she’s out for sympathy,’ she said.
‘I agree that she is but I don’t actually think she’d plant it there. Upon our arrival home from the hospital, there was a vile message waiting for her. Someone said she was a coward for not jumping. It was written on the back of an advertising blurb and it had been hand delivered. And it wasn’t the first one she’d received. She’s had others in the past, usually after bad things happened.’
‘Such as?’
‘Austin was in prison after the first one happened. It told her of her son’s innocence.’
She opened her mouth to speak.
‘Before you say it, I asked her if one of her son’s friends could have sent it on his behalf. She said not.’
‘How soon did he learn about her suicide attempt?’
‘From the paper, apparently.’ I paused to think who would have known of the outcome sooner. Glenn was the only person I could think of who had been around at the time, although he had told me that he learned about it via Lauren. ‘It’s strange but I can’t imagine who could have sent it that quickly.’
‘Could she have put it there?’
‘No. I was with her the whole time.’
‘If the incident was on the local radio,’ she said, ‘anyone could have been responsible.’
‘I guess.’ My thoughts drifted. Austin seemed the likely culprit, although he would have been working. Since he had a labouring job, it was possible that he listened to the local radio, learned of the event, and asked someone local to Lauren to send the message. ‘Even so, it was an extreme thing to do.’
‘I hope you’re not going to be persuaded to help her clear his name.’
‘I’m trying not to.’
‘Ebony! Haven’t you enough on? Lauren is not your responsibility.’
I tensed. Maybe she wasn’t, but that didn’t stop me feeling obligated to help her and Austin. Also, it would pass some of my time and give me another focus away from my own problems, and that had to be a good thing.
‘Anyway,’ she continued. ‘I haven’t come here to talk about her. What have you done thus far regarding your suspension?’
Dreading the thought of her imminent outburst, I grabbed a couple of dirty mugs left from breakfast and hurried from the room. I didn’t wish to return, but my mother called me back.
‘I assume from your reaction you’ve done nothing at all,’ she said.
‘I haven’t got around to it. And what’s the hurry? My hearing will be months away, at the soonest.’
‘How do you know that? I doubt you’ve received a date.’
‘No, but I was warned it would be a long time—up to a year from now.’
‘And what i
f it’s brought forward for some reason? You shouldn’t be assuming you’ve time on your hands. You need to be prepared.’
‘Then I’ll get onto it,’ I said reluctantly.
‘What other jobs have you applied for?’
I opened my mouth to speak.
‘Don’t tell me you’ve done nothing! I didn’t bring you up to sponge from the state. I hope Kelly’s not—’
‘Stop it! I don’t want to hear any more and I don’t need you on my back. I will get another job, and in the meantime, I have savings. I know what I’m doing. I’m not some silly little kid.’
‘So you’ve contacted the nursing agencies?’
I tensed.
Her voice softened. ‘There’s nothing stopping you applying for jobs in the private sector. Nurses are in demand and some may be generous to you. You should try to get references too. Will you be able to persuade your manager to help?’
I doubted that Sheila would generous in her attitude towards me, but my manager from my previous department might be. It was an uplifting thought. I shared my thoughts.
‘Failing that,’ she said. ‘There are other jobs in the caring profession that you should consider. Some may need you to look at attaining additional qualifications, but that’s not impossible to do. Have you considered becoming a therapist or counsellor?’
‘Not really.’ I sipped my drink. ‘I suppose I could look into it.’
‘I think you’d be good at it. Just look at how you handled Lauren. That would definitely go in your favour. You have a natural affinity for troubled people. It’s one of your strengths.’
Her compliment surprised me and I started to relax. I hadn’t expected to receive her support and considered it a pleasing turnaround to how she had treated me on the phone. Hence, we chatted openly and honestly about my options, and considered a variety of roles available to me, from those in the medical profession to others a little distance away such as in social care.