by Gina Azzi
“Not the kind you’re thinking of.”
A smirk curls the corners of his mouth. “All right. Enough with the stupid riddles. What’s going on?”
“Sierra and I, we’re together.”
“No shit?” He asks, not as surprised as I thought he’d be.
“That’s all you have to say?”
He shrugs. “Daisy already told me y’all hooked up the weekend Evie and Jax moved. You’ve always been so…strained around her, I figured you had a thing for her years ago.”
I chuckle, taking another swig of beer. “And she’s pregnant. We’re having a baby.”
This time, Carter chokes on his whisky, his face turning bright red and his eyes watering.
I smile. Finally, I got the reaction I was waiting for.
"What? Are you serious or joking?"
I stare at him, narrowing my gaze. "When do I really joke?"
"Good point. Wow. You're…you're going to be a father," he says this in pure wonderment, as if it's the best news he's ever heard. A large grin splits his face, and his eyes are suddenly wide. "I’m going to be an uncle. Hey, congratulations, man!"
"Thank you.” I grin back at him, taking a long pull of the whiskey. “I’m really happy, Carter.”
He nods, his smile growing as he realizes I’m serious. “I’m happy for you, Den.”
“But Jesus, I'm overwhelmed," I tell him honestly before he gets carried away and tries to plan a baby shower or something. Because he would. "I want to be with her, in New York. I’m moving in a week. Everything’s different now and I don’t want to, I can’t, be away from her and the baby. But I need to find a job and a place to live and I have no idea how I'm going to make that happen. I mean, can I even support myself and Sierra and a baby in New York on a mechanic's salary and with a record? I’ve been thinking about it since the second I left her this morning and I’m pissed at myself for being such an idiot for so long and not being in a better position to do this the way I want to."
Carter's face falls as the truth begins to worm its way through the happy cloud he's been existing in since he met Taylor this past summer.
“One week? I don’t know if you’re going to be able to figure all of that out in a week.”
I nod, “I know. Sierra is talking to her mom and stepdad. I’m going to move in with her at first and then we’ll move to a new place together but it feels wrong. I’m thirty-years-old and I’m moving into my girl’s stepdad’s apartment.” I widen my eyes at my brother. “That’s pathetic.”
“So extend your time here until you have it all figured out.” Carter says, logically.
I shake my head. “I can’t be away from her, man. She’s all on her own in the city. What if she needs me? No, the priority is that we’re together. I just wish I didn’t feel like a freeloader.”
Carter shakes his head. "You’re not a freeloader, Den. You work harder than anyone I know. Except for maybe Jax but don’t tell him I said that. He already has the hero title. You’re not taking a handout, you’re accepting some help to start your life over in a new place. And you’re doing it for the right reason, for your baby. It’s not like you’re going to show up to Sierra’s stepdad’s place and sit on the couch and play video games all day.”
“I just don’t know how I’m going to provide Sierra with the life she’s used to.”
“But Sierra's not like that. She doesn't care about money."
"Maybe. But things are different now. She's about to be a mother. I'm sure a little financial security is comforting when you're about to bring another life into the world."
Carter looks up to thank Mindy as she drops off our burgers and fries, but I can't even manage that. Now that I'm spilling my guts, my nerves ratchet up again, sending my panic into overdrive. How the hell am I going to pull this off?
"Okay," Carter drawls, picking up a French fry and holding it in the space between his plate and his mouth. "I see your point. This is tough. And unexpected. But Den, come on, man, you're a smart guy; you can figure it out."
I glare at him.
"What about opening up your own shop?"
"In Manhattan?"
Carter sighs. "We'll figure it out. If you need money or—"
"No."
"What?"
"I'm not taking anything from you or Jax or Daisy. Y'all are just starting your lives and shouldn't have to backtrack because I’m an idiot with no financial security.” I toss back a large gulp of the Glenlivet, hissing as it hits my throat.
Carter chews his French fry and regards me thoughtfully. "When are you going to tell Jax?"
“As soon as Sierra tells Daisy. Tonight, tomorrow.” I take a bite of my burger, unsure if I'm even hungry.
"Okay, then we’ll all sit down and figure things out. Jax has a ton of Army contacts living in the New York area. I'm sure he can find a connection for a job. As for the finances," Carter says, shrugging and wiping a napkin across his mouth, "man, you're never going to provide Sierra with the lifestyle she has. At least not in the next year. No one could. Her step-dad built a business from when he was twenty. Her lifestyle is over thirty years in the making, and I'm sure she knows that, so don't be so hard on yourself."
I take another bite of my burger. I think I am hungry.
"This isn't the end of the world, Den. You're going to figure it out."
Swallowing, I nod. "I know, Carter. Honestly, I'm happy about the baby. Really happy. And being with Sierra is more than anything I ever thought possible. At the risk of sounding lame, I already miss her. I'm just, nervous about pulling everything off, and I don't want to disappoint Sierra. Or my kid."
"I hear you, man. Let Sierra talk to Daisy, tell Jax, and then we'll take it from there."
"Yeah," I agree, popping a fry into my mouth.
Carter grins. "So, you think it’s a boy or a girl?”
I shake my head. “I have no idea. A boy, I guess. Could you even imagine me with a girl?”
Carter tilts his head to the side, studying me. “Yeah,” he says finally, “I can. In fact, I think I’d like to see you with a daughter. You’ll be even surlier than you are now.”
I snort, throwing a fry at his face. "Shut up."
Carter chuckles, picking up his beer bottle. "In all seriousness, I'm happy for you. And proud of you."
I nod, biting into my burger to save me from saying anything. Because Carter's words mean more than he'll ever know. And I should be saying them to him. Not the other way around.
15
Sierra
Textured purples layered on top of each other swirl around the deep blue in her eyes. I take a step back, staring at my grandmother's face as it comes to life before me. I really need to call her. In this painting, she looks younger, her laugh lines not as pronounced, the wrinkles in her forehead barely noticeable. Her hair is long, black, and thick, hanging over her shoulder in a simple braid, tied at the end with a feather.
Narrowing my eyes, I focus on hers, dipping the tip of my brush in violet to lighten the outer ring of her irises when the shrill beep of an incoming message interrupts me.
Frowning, I place my brush down and turn to pick up my phone.
Denver: Hey baby. I miss you. How are you feeling? Sorry, can't call right now. Heading to work and running late. But I told Carter. Have you talked to Daisy yet?
Me: Not yet. I’ll call her in a few. And my mom. And Tota, my grandmother. I have a lot of calls to make today.
Denver: You worried about talking to your mom?
I stare at the message before looking back up at Tota’s painting. I don’t know how I feel about telling my mom. I’m not sure what her reaction is going to be but I know the longer I wait to confide in her, the more hurt she’s going to be.
Me: Not really worried. More like unsure of how she’s going to react.
Denver: I hear you. Carter took the news great. He’s already looking at sports memorabilia for the baby.
I laugh at this. I can see Carter taking his role as
uncle very, very seriously.
Denver: Heading into the shop now. Miss you, babe. Let me know how it goes with your mom.
Me: I miss you, too. A lot. The bed was cold and lonely when I woke up this morning. Thank you for breakfast. Call after work?
Denver: Of course.
Me: Heart Emoji x Three
I pull myself off the couch and take one last look at my grandmother's face before storing my brushes and paints and flipping off the studio lights. Walking into the kitchen, I stop short. In the past, I would pour myself a glass of wine before starting a conversation like the one I'm about to have with Daisy. But that option is clearly off the table. Rummaging through a cupboard, I find a box of Tetley decaf tea. My mom loves Tetley tea and always makes sure there is an assortment of teas on hand. Putting the kettle on the stove, I sit at the island and wait for the water to boil.
Now that Denver messaged to tell me that Carter knows, I’m relieved to confide in my best friend. I've needed her so much over the past few weeks, and while I know she's going to be angry with me for keeping such a huge secret, I also know she's going to support me through everything. I just need to pick up my phone and call her.
The kettle whistles, and I hop off the barstool, fixing myself a tea and inhaling it deeply, calming my racing nerves. It's just Daisy. I can tell her this; I can tell her anything.
The ringing of my phone startles me and I jump, my mouth dropping open when Daisy's name flashes across the screen. Oh, my God. Did Carter accidently tell her? Does she know? Does she have ESP?
"Hello?" I answer, suddenly unsure.
"Hey! Finally, I got you. Jeez, you're like a ghost these days." Her voice is bubbly and normal. Weird.
"Yeah, sorry. I've been, uh, busy. Have some things going on. I was actually just going to call you."
"Good! Because I miss your life. What’s going on?"
"I have pretty big news.” I start.
“I’m sitting down. Lay it on me.”
"I'm pregnant." I wince as soon as the words are out of my mouth, because obviously I could have said that in a million different ways.
"What?"
"I’m having a baby.”
“Okay,” Daisy draws out the word, concern and confusion in her tone.
“It's Denver's."
"Are you freaking kidding me?" Daisy's voice is sharp and angry.
I remain quiet, giving her a minute to process the bomb I just dropped.
"You're having a baby with my brother and you-you didn't tell me?" Now the anger has morphed into hurt, and I wince, hating that I made her feel betrayed by me. Or Denver. The both of us.
"I'm sorry. I know it was shitty of me, but I didn't know how to tell you. I needed to talk to Denver first, you know, because he's the father."
"And?"
"What do you mean?"
"Did you tell him?"
"He came up to see me in New York."
"He was staying with you?" Her voice is incredulous now, and I can imagine the red patches crawling up her neck.
"Yeah."
"Wow. I'm, uh, I'm surprised. And, I don't know. What are you guys going to do?"
"We're figuring it out. Together. Like a couple."
"You’re dating Denver?”
“I know, it’s crazy. But I’ve always –.”
“Had a thing for him.”
“You knew?”
“Of course I knew. Your eyes just about fell out of your head every time he entered a room.”
I snort because it’s a pretty accurate description. I guess I suck at hiding how I really feel.
“Are you okay?" Daisy’s tone softens and a pang of roommate sickness hits me.
The tears are back, and I want to slap myself. I sniffle and Daisy sighs over the line.
"Yeah, I am. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Honestly, I've wanted to a million different times. I have no clue what I'm doing, and I'm scared and worried and I'm crying all the time. I'm so tired and feel like crap and I have like, two weeks, to figure out where Denver and I are going to live in New York, tell my family I’m expecting, and turn down the job at James’s company. I keep painting my grandmother's face. Over and over again. Like it's suddenly the only thing I'm capable of painting. I just, I have no clue what the hell I'm doing." I take a deep breath, already feeling better that I word vomited all of that to my best friend.
Daisy snorts on the other end of the line, and I'm relieved she’s moving past the anger and hurt to acceptance and humor.
"All right, Jesus, I forgive you. I guess I can't stay mad at a pregnant woman. I'll take my anger of being excluded out on Den instead."
I laugh, the tears back in the corners of my eyes but this time for an entirely different reason. It feels good, normal, to laugh with Daisy again. "I'd appreciate that."
"Consider it done." She pauses for a moment before saying the words I’ve been waiting to hear, "Okay, let’s take it one thing at a time. You didn’t tell me because you wanted to sort things out with Denver first. Objectively, this is totally understandable. Because it’s me and you, I wish you told me sooner but I get it. You’re scared and crying all the time because you’re having a baby! That’s super normal from what I hear so don’t even stress it. Just, welcome to the baby-making club. I’m sure there are a bazillion forums online where you can connect with a ton of other crazy first-time-moms-to-be and feel normal about yourself. Denver and you will figure out your living arrangements and if New York isn’t in the cards, you can come here to Georgia, or y’all can head to the UK together. That’s an easy one to figure out as long as you and Den are on the same page. We’ll get to your family but honestly, they’re going to understand why you’re turning down the job once you tell them you’re pregnant. We need to figure out how you can tell them so they’re so excited that the happy news overshadows anything job-related.”
I laugh at her logic, nodding my head in agreement even though she can’t see me.
“And maybe you just need to call your grandmother and tell her what’s happening so you can move on to other subjects. Or, maybe you can only paint her because some subconscious part of your brain thinks you need to reconnect more with your Navajo roots since you’re having a baby? I’m not sure, I’ll have to marinate on that further.”
I sigh. "I’m seriously so happy I called you.”
“I know. Now, tell me. How did my brother react to learning he’s going to be a dad?”
I shake my head, grinning at the conversation Denver and I had when I told him I’m pregnant. “Well,” I begin, settling back across the living room couch, relieved to be talking to Daisy and already feeling so much better. That’s the thing with best friends, they can help you navigate anything. I know Daisy’s going to help me sort out my thoughts and feelings until all of the big life changes happening right now aren’t so overwhelming and scary, until they seem exciting and refreshing. Until I feel like I have some semblance of control over my future again.
After chatting with Daisy for over an hour, I call Tota. She doesn’t answer but I leave a voicemail letting her know I’ve been thinking of her, painting her, and want to share some exciting news. Hopefully, she calls me back soon.
In the meantime, I have one more conversation I really need to have. Pulling out some of the frozen pasta sauce and meatballs Denver made the last time he was here, I pop the container into the microwave and hit the defrost option. I put a pot of water on the stove. While I wait for my dinner to be ready, I sit down at the table.
My fingertips tingle, and my knee bounces up and down under the table as I press the call button to FaceTime my mom.
"Sierra!" she answers, her beautiful face filling the screen.
"Hi Mom." I smile the moment I see her. She always calms me and comforts me without even knowing it. I hope I can be half the mom she is to my peanut.
"How are you, love? It's been a long time, Sierra. You could check in a little more often to let me know you're okay, what you're doing and—”
“I know, Mom. I’m sorry.”
Her eyes narrow as she looks at me. “Is everything okay, love? You look exhausted.”
At the genuine concern in her voice, my eyes fill with tears. “Oh Mom. I wish you were here.”
“Sierra? What is it, sweetheart? Don’t cry. What happened?” Mom leans closer to the camera as if to close the distance between us.
I press my hand over my face and try to quiet my sobs.
“Sierra, whatever it is, you can tell me and we can sort it out, okay?” Mom tries again and I nod, wiping my tears with the backs of my knuckles.
“I need to tell you something. But you have to promise not to tell the boys. Please. I’m not ready for Lach or Callum or anyone to know.”
“What about James?” Mom asks cautiously and I know she won’t lie to her husband, not that I expect her to.
"Is James around?"
“No, he’s still at work. Sierra, are you sick?”
“No, I’m not sick. Nothing like that. Of course you can tell James, I’m not trying to put you in an awkward position. Plus, I need to speak with him, too.”
“Okay, love, you’re scaring me. Out with it.”
“Mom, I’m pregnant.”
“Pregnant?” She repeats, her eyes widening, her hand coming up to cover her open mouth. Mom’s expression flickers through a series of emotions: surprise, concern, excitement, uncertainty, and confusion. “Are you sure?”
I snort. “Very sure.”
“Who’s the, who’s the father?” she asks cautiously.
“Denver Kane.”
“Daisy’s brother?” Her eyebrows shoot up into her hairline as her mouth falls open again.
I nod. “We’re dating.”
“Oh, well, I didn’t know that. I mean, you never mentioned him. I mean, you did but not in that context. It was more in a hopeful, pining way then in an actual dating way.” She rambles nervously, obviously overwhelmed by my news.
Jeez, did everyone know I had a thing for Denver? “It’s still new.”
“But you’re having a baby?”
I nod again. “I’m nearly nine weeks.”