Fly Like a Bird

by Jana Zinser

  Luther tapped the steering wheel. “Not good enough. That poor old lady never bothered anyone.”

  “Well, I’m glad you were there.”

  Rosie’s dogs and cats meowed and barked in the back of the pickup. Ivy pointed at the anxious animals. “I guess it won’t be so quiet around your place anymore.”

  Luther smiled. “I reckon wild dogs are better than bratty little poodles any day.”

  Ivy sighed. She knew that although Rosie had died inside her burning, ramshackle home, that finally in death, her tormented mind was at peace, something she hadn’t found in life, and her sweet babies “she’d saved” had found a good home.

  Chapter 24

  LEAVING COFFEY

  The hot summer days, filled with the smell of hay and the sounds of birds, could quickly turn into gusty storms with the possibility of tornadoes. The twisting winds might suddenly threaten to erupt into a powerful funnel of destructive fury.

  Ivy watched the dark sky with fear until the menacing clouds passed across the prairie and calm returned to the heavens. Knowing her mother was still alive increased Ivy’s unrest. But she held her twisting secret inside. Her season was about to change. It would be her turn to leave. Ivy couldn’t wait to get out of Coffey, to escape the town forced to betray her by the silent threat of Violet Taylor. She had been robbed of her mother. Grandma had no right. Grandmas were grandmas. She needed a real mother.

  Ivy didn’t blame her mother for leaving and not coming back. It just strengthened her connection to the image she had of her mother. Ivy knew that Coffey’s brick-tiled streets and gently rolling farmland offered a strong, sturdy life, but she considered her mother breaking free an act of courage. She understood her unrest. Leaving Coffey was the smartest thing her mother could have done. But why did her mother leave her behind?

  Ivy would take cover until her swirling emotions calmed, then she would venture into the unknown. But she didn’t even really know where to begin.

  Eighteen-year-old Ivy remained in Coffey through the summer, helping Uncle Walter while his knee healed. The years of walking his mail route had taken their toll. He was only forty-seven, so now with his knee repaired, he could continue working a few more years before he retired. Ivy didn’t understand why Russell couldn’t help him sometimes, but he worked most days at the post office and kept to himself, eating his meals at the Coffey Shop.

  Although she begrudgingly stayed busy taking care of Uncle Walter and Grandma, Ivy resented the demands made on her from the very people who had kept her mother away from her. They had no right to make those decisions for her.

  Accepting the loss of the years without a mother was magnified by all the people in her life who were leaving. Maggie had already moved to Kansas City, a few hours away, where she worked at a dive restaurant and bar near her apartment. Shortly after King was killed, Maggie told Ivy it was time for her to leave. She would never find happiness in Coffey. “I already know everybody here. I need something new.”

  Ivy wished she could go to Kansas City with Maggie but her responsibilities were too controlling. Instead, she went with Maggie to say goodbye to her parents and her Mulberry Street community.

  Virgil was the last to hug Maggie. “Now you be careful, Doll Baby. The city can swallow you up.”

  Tears streamed down her cheeks as Ivy drove her to the bus stop outside the Coffey Shop.

  Ivy put her arm around Maggie as they waited for the bus with Maggie’s one suitcase sitting at their feet. “I wish you weren’t going. I’m going to be lonely in this town. It’s bad enough that I didn’t go to Europe this summer.”

  The whoosh of brakes sounded as the big Greyhound bus came around the corner and pulled up in front of the Coffey Shop. Maggie pulled away from her friend. “Ivy, just stop feeling so sorry for yourself. I’ll never get to go to Europe or college. I’ve never had a boyfriend and some maniac just killed my dog for no reason.”

  “Maggie, I know. I was just . . .” Ivy hugged her.

  Maggie nodded with tears in her eyes. She turned and shoved her suitcase into the bus luggage compartment before getting onto the southbound Greyhound to Kansas City without a glance at Ivy.

  As the bus took off, Nick flew out of the door to his father’s law office and ran beside the bus, waving and making faces as it pulled away down Main Street. “Bye, Maggie! Remember, the Supreme Court said you could!”

  Maggie smiled and waved at Nick and then she looked back and waved at Ivy with tears running down her cheeks.

  Nick worked full-time at his father’s law office that summer. The only time Ivy saw him was at night when he played baseball at the park. He had been accepted into New York University and would be leaving soon. Everyone was leaving her.

  Ivy felt relieved as the final weeks of summer passed and her escape grew closer. Uncle Walter’s knee healed and her obligations at home were almost over. She would soon be free.

  Nick told her that Raven and Jesse were back from their trip to Europe. He’d seen them at the ballpark. As much as Ivy didn’t want to see either of them, she kept an eye out for them just so she could make sure to ignore them.

  On her nightly run to Beecher Pond, Ivy could smell honeysuckle in the muggy summer air. She wondered if every town had its own smell. As she rounded the second hill on the gravel road, the weeds beside the road moved in front of her and Jesse walked into the road. She jogged past him. He jogged up beside her.

  “I’m back.”

  “So, I see.”

  “Raven and I aren’t together. All I could think about was you the whole time.”

  Ivy stopped running and stared at Jesse. Then she melted into his arms. He was home and she could start her life.

  A few days before she planned to leave for the University of Iowa in Iowa City, over four hours from Coffey, Ivy ate a late supper with Grandma and Uncle Walter. It wasn’t far enough away for Ivy, but Jesse had convinced her it was a fun college town with a great football team, so Ivy agreed to go.

  “I can’t wait to get out of here,” she said.

  Grandma reached over and gently put her hand on top of Ivy’s. “I’ve watched many young people leave, but most of them come back home, at least in their hearts. Someday, you’ll realize that Coffey is more a part of you than you know. Wherever you go, your future is always right in front of you.”

  But Ivy knew that living somewhere else would ease her restlessness. She pulled her hand away from Grandma’s touch. “Well, not me. There’s nothing here for me. I’m leaving and never coming back.”

  Grandma’s face grimaced, as if someone had struck her. Uncle Walter shook his finger at Ivy. “Don’t be so ungrateful. You’re just upset because Nick’s leaving for New York tomorrow.”

  “No. I just want to get on with my life. Nothing’s real here,” Ivy said, taking a deep breath. “I know my mother’s alive. You’ve lied to me my whole life. Why? Why didn’t you tell me the truth? I trusted you.”

  Grandma stared at Ivy, taken aback. “I did what I thought was best.”

  “Well, it wasn’t.”

  Uncle Walter took a step toward Ivy. “Ivy . . .”

  “No, just stop. You lied to me, too,” said Ivy, pointing her finger at him.

  Grandma sighed. “Maybe I was wrong, but we have to make decisions for our children. Your road may lead you out of here, but this town is filled with many good people and good things. Who’s to say that the people who leave have better lives than the ones who stay? I think I made the right decision for you but . . .”

  “Well, I need something I can’t get here—the truth. I want my life to make sense. I’ve got to try and find out who I really am.”

  Grandma cleared her throat and used the kitchen chair to grab onto as she stood up. “Of course.” She shuffled to the back porch and sank into the comfort of her old wooden rocking chair.

  Ivy went up to her room and started packing for school, although her long-awaited departure from Coffey was still a few days away. Her clothes we
re in piles around her room.

  Uncle Walter entered and started neatly refolding Ivy’s clothes with perfect creases. “Looks like you’re ready to go.”

  “More than ready. I’m going to die if I have to stay here.”

  Uncle Walter paused as he folded a pair of jeans along the seams. “Ivy.”

  “I’m not going to apologize. It’s how I feel.”

  “It’s not that.” Uncle Walter leaned against the end of Ivy’s sleigh bed, taking the strain off his newly mended knee. He sank down on the edge of the mattress.

  “You’re right about telling the truth. So, I’m going to tell you something that’s been weighing heavily on me.”

  Ivy looked up briefly from sorting her clothes. “What?”

  Uncle Walter glanced at the door and then back at Ivy. “The doctor found a lump in her other breast. Her cancer’s back.”

  Ivy broke out in a cold sweat. The clothes in her hand fell to the floor. “No. No! She said she wouldn’t die till I was ready.”

  “She’s not going to die, yet. She’s going to fight it like she did before. She’s getting surgery and doing chemo. But I thought you should know.” Uncle Walter slowly stood up. He put his hand on her shoulder. “Her chances are good. She caught it early.”

  “Why does this always happen to me? Why can’t I get a break?” Ivy said.

  “It’s not all about you, Ivy. She didn’t want me to tell you because she knows how much it means to you to get out of Coffey. But maybe you’re right, the truth has a power of its own.”

  Ivy’s hands trembled and she felt faint. Time stopped and the motion of the earth stilled. Her mind surged with anger at her Grandmother for keeping her mother from her, but her heart froze with the overwhelming dread of Grandma dying, the crushing fear of losing herself, and the dark disappointment of life’s circumstances. Her escape waited for her just a few days away. But plans change and that pulled her into a deep sadness.

  Ivy slumped into Uncle Walter’s comforting embrace. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

  He patted her. “I know.”

  She stared over his comforting shoulder and out the window. The clouds covered the moonlight, and Ivy’s world turned gray.

  The next day, although Uncle Walter tried to talk her out of it, Ivy unpacked her carefully folded clothes and enrolled at nearby Warner College. Her future elsewhere would have to wait. Grandma’s cancer was back, and chemo would be rough.

  Ivy drove to Jesse’s house to say goodbye. She had called him that morning to tell him that she couldn’t go to college away from Coffey. She knew he wouldn’t stay, so, she didn’t even ask him. She turned onto his block and saw Jesse loading his stuff into Judy’s car. As he shut the trunk, she spotted Raven getting into the back seat. Ivy caught Jesse’s eye, but she drove on by without stopping. There was nothing left to say.

  In the evening, Ivy said goodbye to Nick, the last of her friends to leave. They sat on the Coffey Shop bench near his father’s law office on the town square, waiting for the bus to take him to New York City. His father was worried about his wife and had decided to remain at home to comfort Nick’s mother. It was not easy for her to let go of her only child.

  Ivy told Nick that Grandma’s cancer was back, and that she had decided to stay in Coffey and go to Warner College. Nick’s face flashed to worry. “I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me? I told her goodbye yesterday and she didn’t say anything about it.”

  “I just found out.”

  They could see the bus approaching a few blocks away.

  Nick reached into his pocket. “Hold out your hand.”

  Ivy opened her palm and Nick dropped the keys to the poorly-built camper into her hand. “Take care of the Monstrosity-atrocity for me? She wouldn’t get the respect she deserves from anyone else.”

  Ivy smiled. “Sure, Nick. You can’t let a wily beast like her go to waste.”

  She couldn’t remember a time without Nick. Their lives were intertwined, and for a moment she felt her future slip from her fingers, as if she was falling from a sheer cliff. She never did like to stand on the edge. To be stuck in Coffey without Nick would be unbearable. She wrapped her arms around her friend in desperation. “Nick, stay here and go to college with me.”

  Nick hugged her back. “I can’t. Things are set.”

  “Please don’t leave me.”

  “You left me the day Jesse got here on that bus.”

  “Oh, Nick. I’m sorry. You know I love you.”

  She leaned in to kiss him on the lips. He turned his head and kissed her cheek.

  “Yeah, but not enough.”

  She kissed his cheek as the 9:18 Greyhound bus pulled up to the Coffey Shop curb. Black diesel exhaust filled the air. The headlights of the bus flashed like fireflies in the woods.

  Ivy stared at Nick as he stood up, like she was seeing him for the first time. He gave his bags to the driver, who threw them in the huge open belly of the bus that would take Nick away from Coffey.

  Nick stood at the top of the steps, just like Jesse did when he had arrived in Coffey so many years ago.

  “Don’t worry. I’ll be back.”

  Then he threw back his head and howled like Buckshot’s “oh, no.” Nick’s voice echoed across the empty Main Street. Then he ducked his head and entered the lighted bus. Everything else turned dark for Ivy.

  Ivy smiled and waved, but then the sadness flooded in and the tears fell. She stood in the middle of the deserted street as the huge bus drove off. She felt a strong urge to get in the Monstrosity and chase after the bus; to follow Nick no matter what happened. But her feet wouldn’t move. Grandma needed her. She watched the bright tail lights of the bus disappear around the town square. Then it was gone and she was alone. Coffey was her life’s curse.

  She thought it was weird that Nick headed toward a different path and a future far away, when she was the one who desperately wanted to leave. His departure ripped the last piece of security from her.

  When the loud engine of the bus could no longer be heard, she walked back down the sidewalk. She looked up and saw Russell waving to her from his apartment above the Coffey Shop, Bertha’s old home.

  Although the Coffey Shop was closed, Ivy knew it was unlocked. She went in through the alley to get one of Miss Shirley’s pies waiting for her on the counter. She would need a little rhubarb pie to get her through her heartache. By the time Ivy reached the back door to the restaurant, Russell was there.

  “Getting some pie?” he asked as he held the door open for her and followed her in.

  She nodded. “Rhubarb.”

  “Nice choice. Nick left, huh?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You know, Ivy, since you don’t have any friends left and I never had any, maybe we could be friends now.”

  Ivy looked at her cousin. He was right. They shared so much in common, including an unexplainable family. She nodded and smiled. “Want a piece of pie?”

  “Sure.”

  They sat down at a table in the empty restaurant. Ivy cut into the pie and they talked and made fun of Uncle Tommy.

  When they were done, Ivy drove the Monstrosity through the deserted streets of Coffey toward home, where Grandma and Uncle Walter waited for her. Maggie was gone. Jesse was gone. Nick was gone. Old people and Russell were all she had left.

  That night, Ivy watched TV with Grandma and Uncle Walter until they fell asleep upright in their chairs. Uncle Walter snorted as his chin bobbed down on his chest in slumber. Grandma’s head tipped back; her mouth fell open and her snoring filled the room. It was strange, because Grandma never slept.

  Ivy could no longer hear the TV over their sleep noises. Feeling trapped like a caged bird, she got up to have another piece of pie. Slipping outside to the back porch for some air, she slumped in the glider with her feet resting on the porch railing. She ate the last slice of pie and realized how Patty felt. Food was the only pleasure she had left to fill her empty heart.

  The darkness c
oaxed a bat out into the night. Dark wings flapped and the bat swooped down to eat mosquitoes and other insects, inspecting each bug closely as if examining it for imperfections. The bat flew in the darkness by some inner radar, circling low and flying close to the ground. Ivy sat up, afraid it would not be able to make it, but the shadowy mammal regained its height and disappeared into the night, blending in with the dark sky.

  The last few birds pecked at the seeds in the feeder as night settled over the hills of the Iowa prairie. Ivy’s aloneness consumed the evening air. “It’s just you and me now,” she said to the birds.

  But they flew away, startled by the sound of her voice. “Oh, so you’re leaving me, too? Why not? Everyone else has.”

  The glider swayed. Ivy’s shoulders slumped as she gazed into the darkening woods. The squirrels chattered somewhere hidden among the trees where they spied on her and laughed. Her life had reached an all-time low. Perhaps it was time to find her mother and find out the truth. Maybe somewhere along the way, she would find herself and escape the shackles of Coffey. Maybe that hope was all she had left.

  PART IV

  HEARTS HAVE NO SKIN COLOR

  (1979-1980)

  Chapter 25

  LOSING TOUCH

  In the autumn, the bright hues of the fall leaves swirled in colorful twisters of wind and dust, hurrying to go nowhere, just enjoying the dance. After leaving Coffey, Ivy’s friends had found new lives and seldom returned home. Ivy didn’t stop thinking about Jesse but she was still mad at him for betraying her again. Like her uncles, she found it hard to let go of deep-seated resentment. After all, holding a grudge was a family tradition.

  Ivy was twenty-one and a senior at Warner College. She would graduate that spring. Grandma’s other breast had been removed, the chemo was declared successful, and her hair was slowly growing back. Violet Taylor had fought cancer again and won. With Grandma’s recovery, Ivy’s world would open up after graduation. She didn’t need Jesse. She didn’t need anyone. She would strike out on her own.