He's Not My Boyfriend

by Jackie Lau

  She was still trying to wrap her mind around everything her grandmother had told her. Her skin felt cold as she thought of her grandmother’s past. She’d known almost nothing of her family history—on both sides—before they came to Canada, and she didn’t know much of China’s history, either.

  She’d never been to China, nor had her father. Both her mother and father had been born in Canada, and their families were from the Sze Yup area, the Four Counties, in southern China.

  Alex’s parents, on the other hand, had grown up in Hong Kong. Alex had been there several times; they’d talked about it once, during one of the mornings Iris had spent curled up in his bed. Now, she imagined going to Hong Kong with him and meeting his extended family.

  Alex had started appearing in her plans for the future, whereas before, she’d always imagined herself being alone. She’d liked it that way, but now, she wasn’t so sure.

  * * *

  Iris plodded up the walkway to her parents’ house in Scarborough. It was the house she’d grown up in, and the area was very Chinese, but now she couldn’t help thinking that most families here had quite different histories from her own. None of her childhood friends had parents who’d been born here; none of them had families who’d been in Canada as long as hers.

  She’d said she would come around three o’clock, but after drinking her latte and eating a sandwich for lunch, she’d had nothing to do but stare at the pink roses from Alex, so she’d driven here a little early.

  She used her key to open the door and stepped inside. She didn’t hear any noise, which was odd, and when she glanced in the living room...

  What the hell were her parents doing? Her father was sitting sideways on the couch, and her mother was straddling him, her face pressed against his. Her shirt matched her skin tone and...

  Oh.

  Iris had been wrong about the shirt. Her mother wasn’t wearing a goddamn shirt.

  Oh, God. No.

  At that moment, her father looked up and saw her standing by the French doors. She ran into the kitchen and started frantically looking through the cupboards, needing something to do. She found a package of cookies and stuffed one into her mouth, as though it could wipe the image she’d just seen from her brain, but of course it couldn’t.

  When her mother walked in a few minutes later, Iris was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of tea, which wasn’t enough to soothe her. Not even the strongest chamomile tea could do much at this point.

  Mom sat down across from her. “We weren’t actually—”

  “You were about two seconds away from doing it!” Iris pressed her palms to her eyes. “Do you have any bleach for my brain? Please?”

  “It’s perfectly natural—”

  “Mom! Can we stop talking about this? Now?”

  Mom chuckled. “I don’t think your father will be able to look you in the eye today.”

  “I don’t think I can look him in the eye, either. Or you.” Iris’s hands were still over her eyes. “Strangely, you don’t seem bothered by this.”

  “Why would I be? Like I said, it’s perfectly natural—”

  “Please don’t say that again.”

  “—and it’s not like you really saw anything. Besides, you’re twenty-seven. You know how these things work. You know we had to do that to make you in the first place.”

  “Vaguely knowing it and actually seeing it are two different things.”

  “You should be glad your parents still love each other.”

  “Oh, dear God.” But then Iris thought about it. Her mother’s words, not what she’d witnessed in the living room. “You do? Love each other?”

  “Of course. Many people stay married even though they don’t love each other, but I would never do that. I’d be single and screwing hot men with tattoos, like you did.”

  “I don’t know why I’m still participating in this conversation,” Iris muttered, but that was just for show. She did know.

  There had been much more to her grandmother’s life than she’d realized, and maybe that was true for her mother, too.

  “Sorry if I was judgmental when I found you eating breakfast with a guy,” Mom said. “I was just a little surprised. You’re my daughter. My little girl. My—”

  “Miracle baby. Yeah. I know.”

  “You were such a fussy baby, but I didn’t care. I was just so happy we’d finally managed to have a baby. Though I hope, for Rebecca’s sake, that her child is better behaved.”

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  “So when I found you that morning, it was hard for me to wrap my head around. Like it was for you today. But when I was young, I was like you.”

  Yeah, Iris knew her mother had been a bit of a party girl. She’d embraced the drug culture of the seventies and had been determined that her daughter would not do the same.

  “You used to tell me stories about when you were young,” Iris said. “All the fun you had. All your travels. I loved those stories. I couldn’t understand why you married Dad and moved to suburbia and had a boring life.”

  “You know why I used to do what I did? Because I was miserable. I was always looking for some kind of quick fix. Some kind of escape. Then I met your father, and I didn’t feel the need to escape anymore.”

  Iris frowned. “You do ninety-eight percent of the talking, and whenever he talks, you’re usually arguing with each other. And you’re never affectionate.”

  Mom gave her a look. “I think we proved otherwise today.”

  Iris groaned in agony. “Please don’t remind me.”

  “I won’t deny that it was tough when we struggled to have a baby. We had planned to have three kids, but then it took us three years to conceive.”

  “I thought it took you seven?”

  “The first time was after we’d been married three years. I was thrilled, but that lasted all of two weeks. I miscarried early on.”

  “You never told me.”

  Mom shrugged. “I don’t like to think about it. Your father and I had some problems after that, but eventually I realized that even if we couldn’t have a kid, it would be okay. We had each other, and that wasn’t what we’d dreamed of, but we could make it work. Then you came along.” She paused. “Iris, you can’t really know what another person’s relationship is like from the outside. Ours is good. Trust me.”

  “You never regret it?”

  “Of course not.”

  “You never wish you could have the life you lived before? The independence of it?”

  Mom shook her head. “I miss dancing and I wish your father would agree to take ballroom dancing lessons, but that’s about it. I’ve been asking for three decades and it has yet to happen. But otherwise? I don’t know what there is to miss. It’s not like getting married took away all my freedom, like you seem to fear. There are lots of things I could still do—other than sleeping around—but I don’t do them because I don’t want to. Your life doesn’t have to completely change because you get married, and if a man doesn’t give you the freedom you need, then he’s not worth marrying.”

  Iris had a sip of her tea. “I thought you were setting me up with men just because you saw marriage as a milestone I needed to reach.”

  “No. I’m happier married, and I thought you might be, too, but maybe you weren’t meeting the right guys by going out to bars and clubs and whatever else you do in your spare time.”

  “I wasn’t miserable, though. Not like you. I was happy with my life.”

  “And now?”

  Iris couldn’t help thinking about a certain man. Before, she’d focused on the problems that had resulted from their relationship, like the conflict of interest at work. Now, she could admit that he made her feel like no one else.

  She’d been happy enough before, but life was better with him. Sure, it hadn’t all gone smoothly. But instead of holding her back, which was what she’d once feared would happen in a relationship, he helped her enjoy the quiet moments in life, and he supported her—like when Ngin N
gin had broken her hip—in a way she’d never experienced with a man before.

  She missed him terribly.

  “Please stop trying to set me up with men,” she told her mother.

  “Of course. I met Alex, and clearly he’s your boyfriend, even if you refuse to put a label on it. I admit I was doubtful when your grandmother mentioned him, and I was also jealous you’d introduced him to her rather than me first, but I like him. He seems good for you, though I only saw him at the hospital.”

  “But you said you can’t really know what another person’s relationship is like.”

  “I’m your mother. I can tell.”

  Iris swirled the tea in her cup. “You’re not angry that I was at Alex’s when Ngin Ngin fell? You seemed upset about that before.”

  “I wasn’t angry at you. Sorry if it seemed that way—I was just in shock. I’m glad you decided to live with her rather than us, even though I didn’t feel that way at first. If it hadn’t been for you, I don’t know when we would have found her, if she would have managed to drag herself to a phone eventually? I don’t want to think about it. We gave her that emergency alert bracelet and told her to wear it all the time, but she wasn’t wearing it when she fell.” Mom shook her head. “Silly woman. So stubborn.”

  “I don’t think she’s fully accepted that she can’t go home when she gets out of the hospital tomorrow. Where will she stay when she lives here?”

  Mom stood up, and Iris followed her into the living room. She winced when she saw the couch where her parents had been making out earlier.

  “This room is best because it’s on the first floor,” Mom said. “No stairs. We talked about replacing the French doors, but for now, we’ll just put heavy curtains over them. That should be good enough. We’ll bring her bed and dresser from her house, so it can be as similar to home as possible, and move the couch upstairs.”

  “You’re going to have your mother-in-law living with you. Are you sure you don’t regret marrying Dad? She’s going to drive you nuts.”

  “Stop trying to get me to say I regret it! I don’t. Yes, your grandmother and I will drive each other bonkers, but I do care for her.”

  They said nothing for a little while, and it was strange, being in the same room as her mother and not speaking. They didn’t do silence well when they were together.

  “Can I ask you something?” Iris asked at last, then continued after her mother nodded. “I know it was before you and Dad met, but why didn’t he go to Uncle Howard’s wedding? Did he not approve of his brother marrying a white woman?” That had always bothered her.

  “Your grandfather declared that no one in the family would go to the wedding, and so your father, wanting to stay on his parents’ good side, did not attend. He feels bad about it.”

  “If I married a white man—”

  “Your father would be happy for you, don’t you worry, but that’s not relevant now, is it? You have Alex, and he’s Chinese.”

  “I don’t have Alex. I haven’t seen him since the night at the hospital.”

  “You’ll figure it out.”

  “Mom, I...” Iris trailed off when her phone beeped. She checked the message.

  It was a picture of a baby boy, eyes closed, pressed against Rebecca’s chest.

  * * *

  The next morning, Iris and Crystal grabbed a coffee before they went to visit Rebecca and her new baby at the hospital. It wasn’t the same hospital Ngin Ngin would be released from later that day, but nearby.

  “I’m meeting Jared’s parents tonight,” Crystal said as they sat down at a table by the window with their drinks. “I’m so nervous. I’ve never met a boyfriend’s parents before. God, what if I say something really stupid?”

  “Listen to you,” Iris said. “Talking about your boyfriend.”

  “I know. Who would have thought? I can’t believe we both met men on the same night.”

  Iris looked down. She didn’t protest and say Alex didn’t really count, they’d only had sex a few times. That would obviously be a lie.

  “I haven’t talked to Alex since Tuesday, although when I found out Rebecca had her baby, I couldn’t help myself from sending him a text. He’s the person I want to tell about everything, you know?”

  “I know,” Crystal said, placing her hand over Iris’s. “Same for me and Jared.”

  “What the hell happened to us? I thought we were going to stay cool and single and now...”

  “We’re no less awesome because we have boyfriends who appreciate how awesome we are. Things change, and that’s okay. Even though I break out in a cold sweat whenever I think about tonight, my life has changed for the better. It turns out that I actually like being in a relationship, and not just because of all the sex. A few months ago, I never would have imagined myself saying this, but Iris, I think you need to let Alex be a part of your life. He’s not going to turn you into something you’re not.”

  Iris nodded. “I talked to my grandmother and mother, and I realized I never knew the full story of either of their marriages. I started to see that all the reasons I had for avoiding relationships were actually pretty flimsy. They were based on me not understanding certain things about my family. And myself. I’d also refused to let myself think about how good it felt to be with him—and not just when we were having sex.”

  “So after we visit Rebecca, you’ll run to his door and throw yourself into his arms?”

  “I don’t know. I only started thinking about it yesterday. I still haven’t fully wrapped my mind around the idea. But maybe. Probably.”

  There. She’d admitted it.

  Coffees finished, they headed up to the hospital room. They entered quietly, in case the baby was sleeping. Indeed, he was curled up in Rebecca’s arms with his eyes closed, his fist under his chin. Elliot was sitting on the chair beside them.

  “How was your first night?” Crystal asked, her voice hushed.

  “Not much sleep.” Rebecca glanced up, then looked down at the bundle in her arms with a smile. “But that’s to be expected.”

  Iris stepped closer and peered at her cousin’s new baby. “He’s so cute.”

  He was rather squished up and funny looking, but definitely still cute.

  They stood in silence for a moment, looking at the baby. As if realizing he had four sets of eyes on him, he started squirming and briefly opened his eyes.

  “Hi, baby,” Rebecca said in a sing-song voice. “Crystal and Iris are here to meet you. Would you like to say hello?” She passed the swaddled baby over to Iris, who took him carefully.

  She’d held babies before, but never a newborn. Never a baby that was less than a day old. She was afraid she would screw it up—she’d done that with a bunch of things lately—but the baby seemed content in her arms.

  “Does he have a name?” Iris asked.

  Rebecca shook her head. “We have some ideas, but we haven’t decided yet.”

  “Your mom’s been here already?”

  “Last night. Elliot’s mother should be here soon.”

  Iris sat down on the edge of the bed with the baby in her arms. He looked like he was taking his new world very seriously, even though his vision would be limited and he wouldn’t be able to see much of it. But he would grow quickly. Soon he would smile, support his head, and roll over.

  She glanced up at Rebecca and Elliot. Elliot had his hand on his wife’s knee. They looked tired, but they were smiling.

  Iris turned back to the baby and started sobbing.

  She loved this new baby, and she loved seeing her cousin happy with her husband, and Crystal happy with Jared, and God, she was just so full of love right now.

  She loved Alex, too.

  Did she want this one day? Sitting in a hospital room with her new baby?

  She wasn’t sure whether she wanted kids. Frankly, she’d never given it much thought before—it hadn’t fit into her vision of her life—but suddenly, it was a possibility.

  But whether she decided she wanted a baby like
Rebecca or would prefer to remain childless like Natalie, she knew she wanted to be with Alex.

  Sure, she still wanted to go out drinking and dancing with Crystal, but more than that, she wanted lazy Saturday mornings in bed with the man she loved. Ordinary weekday dinners that were made special just because she was with him.

  She hadn’t been a hundred percent sure before, but now, she knew.

  She just knew.

  In the past, she’d thought it was lame when people said that, but now she understood what they meant.

  Rebecca took her son back from Iris and handed her a tissue.

  “Have I done more crying than the baby?” Iris asked, sniffling.

  “Oh, no. He’s quiet now, but he still has you beat by a mile.” Rebecca looked down at the baby. “Iris is the sensitive one,” she told him. “She cries at all the sad scenes in movies.”

  “Don’t listen to your mother. She has it all wrong.”

  Crystal and Rebecca laughed. Nobody said anything more for a few minutes, but Rebecca nodded knowingly at Iris.

  “Let’s take a few pictures,” Iris said.

  She took one of Rebecca, Elliot, and their son, and then a few close-up shots of the baby. A few tears continued to fall silently down her cheeks, and she had a strange feeling in her chest, like it wasn’t big enough to contain her heart.

  To be honest, there had been times in Iris’s life when she hadn’t even been sure she had a heart, but she did.

  Oh, she definitely did.

  There were many things she wouldn’t have known about herself if it hadn’t been for Alex, and there were so many things she had yet to learn about herself—and him.

  She couldn’t wait to start.

  Chapter 19

  Meet me at A Cup of Stars as soon as you can.

  Alex read the text message a second time. It still said the same thing. It wasn’t his imagination.

  Iris wanted to see him.

  He’d been about to go to the gym, but now he tossed aside his gym bag and looked for some nicer clothes. Seeing as he worked on a construction site, he didn’t exactly wear nice clothes to work, but he still had a few dress shirts. He put one on, as well as a pair of khakis, and half-jogged to the coffee shop.