Tournament of Supervillainy

by Phipps, C. T.

I was Diabloman’s Luke and Gabrielle was his Leia. One sibling was willing to forgive and the other not.

  Gabrielle looked confused. “Pardon?”

  “I was just thinking of Star Wars,” I said, pausing.

  “Of course you are,” Gabrielle said, sighing. “Why am I not surprised?”

  “Because you know me so well,” I said. “Real life redemption isn’t like Darth Vader in Return of the Jedi. If Anakin Skywalker had managed to survive the Second Death Star then he would have found himself spending the rest of his short life on trial for war crimes. Luke would have been vilified for trying to defend his father, Leia for being his daughter, and the Rebellion for employing them both. He would have ended up executed and the galaxy would cheer. The fact he got into Jedi heaven would also strike all of his victims as a cop out.”

  Gabrielle blinked. “The Force or God has to be greater than man. I don’t want Diabloman to suffer for what he did but, no, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him.”

  “He’d never forgive himself either,” I said, pausing. “So, who are the idiots who are trying to steal the orbs?”

  “I only know one of them,” Gabrielle said. “He’s a warrior from Universe-LS.”

  “Earth-LS?” I asked.

  Gabrielle paused. “Basically, it’s like…”

  “What?” I asked, wondering why she trailed off.

  “Star Wars,” Gabrielle muttered. “It’s a universe where humanity has traveled the stars and become an interplanetary power.”

  “So it’s the future?” I asked, trying not to hide my excitement. I was half sure mankind was going to destroy itself before it got outside of the Sol system. I had a spaceship with an FTL drive, a gift, but I’d never used it. Humans had been to other space empires but we hadn’t adapted the technology and there was no sign Earth’s governments had any interest in spreading beyond. They were too terrified of the other powers coming to wipe us out despite all the previous alien invasions being unmotivated.

  Gabrielle said. “Not really. Universe-LS never had a past with superpowers.”

  “That doesn’t make a damn bit of sense to me,” I said. “How do you have a universe without superpowers?”

  Gabrielle shrugged. “All I know is he’s one of Death’s champions and I thought you’d be able to talk to him.”

  “I don’t know Death’s champions beyond my group. Can’t you just punch them into submission?”

  “Then Entropicus might make it a fight and eliminate them,” Gabrielle said. “Or me.”

  “He’s got every angle covered, doesn’t he?” I said.

  “Maybe,” Gabrielle said. “I think he’s afraid of you.”

  “Pfft!” I snorted in derision. “How do you figure that?”

  “Because if he kills you, Death will never forgive him,” Gabrielle said.

  That actually might be right. “Alright, let’s go try to talk these thieves down.”

  Gabrielle nodded then directed her hand down the hallways toward the interior of the island’s mountain. The two of us headed down a long string of steps and torches illuminated all around us, glowing with green fire. There was no noise except for the sounds of fires crackling as well as the dripping of water into puddles on the ground.

  “So, can I ask you a question?” I asked.

  “You can ask me anything, Gary,” Gabrielle said. “You know that.”

  I paused. “Perhaps. I was just curious—”

  “What?” Gabrielle asked.

  “How are you?” I asked.

  Gabrielle stopped in mid-step then looked back at me. “Do you really want to know?”

  “Well, I freed you from a technological prison built by my evil twin and we’ve seen each other like, what, three times?” I asked. “One being a booty call.”

  “I didn’t think your…uh wife and lover would mind,” Gabrielle muttered.

  “Well Mandy did,” I said, frowning. “But no matter what, I’m your friend and worried about you.”

  “Friend?” Gabrielle asked, the word carrying a lot of pain.

  “I love you and always will but you made your choice,” I said, remembering how she’d ended our engagement because she was worried I’d get killed by a supervillain if we continued to date. Then she took my memories of our time together for years. The pain was still fresh even though I remember everything we lost. “I also made mine. I’m glad to have to have the life I have,”

  “And me?” Gabrielle asked.

  I blinked. “I…do I have you?”

  I needed to tell her to stop and not say her next words because if she said them, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to tell her to stay away.

  “I love you Gary,” Gabrielle said, admitting it. “I never want to give you up.”

  Dammit.

  “But I’m not sure I like sharing,” Gabrielle said.

  I looked down. “That could be a problem.”

  “I know,” Gabrielle said, taking in a deep breath. “There’s also something else I need to tell you.”

  I took a deep breath. “Could we put a pin in that while we’re on a mission? I mean, you know, until I’ve had a chance to cope with the first revelation? Plus, you know, my best friend dying and being in hell? Not sure I have room for anything else right now.”

  Gabrielle looked troubled and given she routinely moved asteroids out of the way of Earth, that meant the news was probably devastating. Given she’d just proclaimed her undying love for me and wanting to be exclusive, I wasn’t sure what could be that troublesome. “Alright, Gary, let’s talk about something less troubling. Are you going to wish Diabloman back?”

  I hadn’t thought of that. I was also bothered by the fact resurrecting my dead friend was less troubling than her news. “That would be a convenient solution to my problems, wouldn’t it? I could restore things to the status quo and everything would go back to the way it was.”

  “It’s never that easy,” Gabrielle said. “We’re not like the characters in the comic books made after us. There’s no returning to the status quo at the end of the issue.”

  “It sure feels that way sometimes,” I said, considering my options. “I suppose I might wish him back but I might as well wish hell to not exist or the magic to bring him back.”

  “Wishing big never helps,” Gabrielle said.

  “It never helps to wish small either,” I said, taking a deep breath. “Certainly, I can take over the world on my own if I want.”

  Gabrielle snorted. “Yes, the mid-level magic user who doesn’t want to kill anyone is going to take over the world. You don’t need to give me the same false bravado you give everyone else, Gary.”

  “False bravado?” I asked. “There’s nothing false about it. I’ve killed three figures worth of assholes.”

  “But not innocents,” Gabrielle said, sighing. “If you’re going to take over the world then you’re going to have a body count of good people who don’t want to be conquered. You’re not the kind of person who hurts innocents.”

  Gabrielle had me wrong, though not by much. “That used to be the case but it seems I got a lot of innocent people killed when I broke everyone out from Merciful’s prisons. Perhaps I should have been more discriminating.”

  “You’ve been talking with Guinevere,” Gabrielle said, her voice lowering. “That’s her interpretation of events.”

  “Is there another one?”

  “That people make their own mistakes and trying to pass them off on the self-styled supervillain is an unworthy path for so-called heroes,” Gabrielle said.

  I felt the bridge of my nose and took a deep breath. “Gabrielle, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you’re not doing well.”

  Gabrielle started walking down the stairway again. “No, I’m not. Guinevere was like a second mother to me. She and my father had been close friends since before WW2. She was there at my side from the beginning, trained me when I wanted to be a hero, and fought for my membership in the Society of Superheroes when I was thought too
young.”

  “I saw the articles in TIME and People,” I said, frowning. “It must have hurt you beyond measure to have her give up on finding you.”

  “Yes,” Gabrielle said, her voice quivering with rage. “But that’s not the worst part. It’s not even the fact she tried to shift the blame on you when you saved me. It was the fact she dishonored everything my father stood for by siding with Merciful. Worse, she did it in his name. Without the Nightwalker and Ultragod, she turned the Society of Superheroes into a tyranny.”

  I was really going to regret saying my next words, I just knew it. “Have you tried talking to her?”

  “About as much as she’s tried talking to me,” Gabrielle said, gritting her teeth. “Specifically, to let her know how much she disappoints me.”

  I took a deep breath. “Maybe you should both try to talk like people who have saved the world repeatedly as well as being two of the most famous role models for girls across the globe. People who should be focused on making the world a better place than fighting each other. I know a lot of people speculate on who would win in a fight: Sherlock Holmes or Captain Nemo but the truth is nobody really wants to see heroes trying to kill one another. We want to see our heroes team up and beat up the real bad guys.”

  “Are you seriously defending her?” Gabrielle asked. “After all she pulled. After all she’s done to you? She’s smeared your reputation across the globe.”

  “You mean my reputation as a supervillain?” I asked. “Yeah, I think that’s fine.”

  “You know what I meant.”

  “I know,” I said, following her down the steps. “The truth is, though, Guinevere lost her two best friends five years… a year… goddammit, this time compression thing is ridiculous, a while ago. The burden of leadership for the Society of Superheroes falling on her shoulders when it used to be shared with three. Maybe I’m not fond of her and she’s never going to be my friend but if I’m able to forgive the worst then why not forgive the best?”

  A gust of wind shot forth from the base of the dungeon, blowing me a foot back. I stepped forward and shook my head. “I think we’re getting close.”

  “Yeah,” Gabrielle said. “What’s your angle?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Gary, you’re a man of many qualities I admire. However, I don’t think of you as the soft sensitive type. Why are you trying to get me and my godmother to make up?”

  I paused. “I want to be a superhero.”

  Gabrielle stopped dead in her tracks before bursting out laughing.

  “Gabby—” I started to say.

  Gabrielle continued laughing.

  “Gabby,” I said, frowning.

  Gabrielle started to calm down then ended up giggling a little more. “Okay, we really shouldn’t be stopping to talk about this but are you serious? That is the worst plan I have ever heard in my entire life.”

  I stared at her, not at all amused. “You know, I’ve saved the world a couple time. I’ve stopped a bunch of bad guys. Maybe I did a little thieving and killing along the way but I didn’t think the idea of my being a hero was something so incredibly ridiculous.”

  Gabrielle looked guilty. “I’m sorry, I really am. It’s just you’ve never cared about what people think before. It was one of those aforementioned admirable qualities.”

  “Well, maybe I don’t want to spend my adult life being chased down by people I admire,” I said. “I don’t want my daughter growing up with the same cloud hanging over her head that my parents had.”

  “Leia has no reason to be anything but proud of you,” Gabrielle said, looking at me. “She is the thing I am most jealous of.”

  I looked at her and said nothing then walked past her.

  CHAPTER NINE

  WHERE THE THIEVES ARE US

  The Primal Orbs were kept in an enormous seven-sided chamber in the heart of the mountain. The seven orbs formed a circle in the air, glowing each with a different color of the rainbow, as they moved in a circle with an eerie soft music generated from their motion. The chamber was illuminated by hundreds of wax candles in each corner while the seven corners of the chamber each contained a robed statue of a human male or female of differing ethnicities.

  Notably, one of the statues looked vaguely similar to me and another to Entropicus. I didn’t recognize any of the others, which bothered me to an extent, as you’d think I would have met the other Chosen Ones. Merciful wasn’t up there either, which surprised me since he’d been the Chosen of Life. Apparently, he’d either been a temp in the position or the Primal of Life had chosen someone to replace him.

  It didn’t take long to see who was the party going to steal the Primal Orbs since there were only two other individuals in the chamber. The first of them looked a bit like a male model had stolen Captain Malcolm Reynolds wardrobe and added a sheath for a Warhammer 40K chainsword to it. He wasn’t quite as good looking as Agent G, not that I paid attention to that sort of thing *cough* but definitely had a kind of messy gorgeousness. The second person was holding the Book of Midnight, the cursed book of everything, and apparently trying some sort of incantation.

  Mandy.

  “God dammit,” I said, walking down the steps. “Gabrielle did you know my wife was behind this?”

  “Maybe,” Gabrielle said, pausing. “Actually, yes, that would be why I knew what was going to happen.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Mandy, you can’t steal the magic orbs because that will cause Entropicus to automatically win. Also, who is the space dude?”

  The man pulled out his sword and rather than a chainsaw blade, it produced a crackle of blue white electricity around its blade. “I am Cassius Mass, Count of the Archduchy of Crius. Who are you?”

  “What? No you killed my father, prepare to die?” I asked.

  Mandy felt her face.

  Cassius shrugged. “Eh, if you killed my father, I’d be thanking you.”

  “Ah, daddy issues,” I said, nodding. “That’s always the thing with space opera heroes.”

  Cassius looked back at Mandy. “Who is he and what is he talking about?”

  “Gary Karkofsky a.k.a Merciless,” Mandy said, not putting down the Book of Midnight. “He’s my husband and I wouldn’t recommend trying to make sense of anything he says. He’s basically what the internet would be like if it was intelligent with less porn.”

  “I resent that remark,” I said, frowning. “I have plenty of porn.”

  Mandy shut the book and pointed at Gabrielle. “Gabrielle is wrong. There is a way we can win this contest by stealing the orbs.”

  “How’s that?” I asked, wondering what I’d stepped into and whether I should automatically be supporting my wife in this.

  “We can use the Primal Orbs to kill Entropicus and the worst of his lieutenants, preventing us from needing to go through this tournament,” Mandy said, brimming with confidence. “We can end this now and not have to play by the villain’s rules.”

  “And you decided to break the rules, my forte, with Captain Tightpants here instead of me?” I asked, offended.

  “Gary!” Gabrielle said. “We need to stop—”

  “Hold up,” I said, raising a hand.

  “I’m standing right here,” Cassius said. “As for how she recruited me, it was at the bar.”

  “There’s a bar here?” I asked, appalled. “No one told me that!”

  “I recognized him from Lucifer’s Star,” Mandy said, shrugging. “I love that movie.”

  “The crappy SyFy channel original picture?” I asked. “You couldn’t go with Luke Skywalker or Captain Kirk?”

  “I feel insulted for multiple reasons,” Cassius said, pausing. “Either way, I refuse to be a champion of any cause I believe to be unjust. I did it once before and it shall not happen again.”

  “Okay, Ned Stark, that’s great,” I said, walking forward to him. “But let’s point out the obvious fact that there’s no security here. No ancient Chinese curses, giant golems, or multicolored ninjas.”

>   “There’s some pretty hefty magic around here,” Mandy said, now looking suspicious. “What do you think, Cass?”

  “I don’t know, I don’t have magic in my world,” Cassius said. “Just extremely advanced science.”

  “Really, none whatsoever?” I asked, shaking my head. “That’s terrible! We need to cross pollinate your world and G-man’s with Jane’s. Get you some vampires, werewolves, demons, and other stuff.”

  “I’ll pass,” Cassius said.

  Gabrielle stepped in front of me, raising a glowing fist. “I have to stop you from endangering the world!”

  “Gary, have you been egging her on?” Mandy asked.

  “I swear, I haven’t” I said, raising my hands. “I’ve just been asking if she’s been happy!”

  “That’s egging her on!” Mandy asked. “She’s a superhero! They don’t do anything by halves!”

  “You’re a superhero!” I said, turning to Gabrielle.

  Gabrielle had started glowing a brilliant shade of gold as she prepared an Ultra-Force blast that would knock Mandy cold. I had to make a choice now whether to go against her or my wife who was possibly doing something really stupid.

  That was when Cassius took the choice out of my hands. “Forget this hero vs. hero crap! I’m going after the plunder!”

  He then turned his sword against the orbs and swung at the circle they were floating in. He struck an invisible force shield that shattered in every direction, sending out a glowing rainbow of light.

  “No!” I shouted, covering my face in my cloak. “Prismatic Spray is the most deceptively dangerous of all Dungeons and Dragons spells!”

  The glowing blasts of red, green, blue, purple, orange, black, and gold went in every direction. The blasts bounced against the walls and statues, Cassius slicing through the red blast with his sword while the black disappeared into my cloak. The orange blast struck Gabrielle in the chest, sending her spiraling backward against the stairs while Mandy dodged the blue blast only to be hit in the chest by the white one. The remaining balls of light proceeded to vanish in midair, as if some hidden agenda was accomplished.

  I looked up from my cloak. “Anybody dead?”