Absolution

by S. Kirkpatrick

  Women always say that it takes a village to raise a child, but she’s so damn pigheaded that she refuses help from her village.

  Stubborn, stubborn woman.

  I smile to myself as I pull myself up in the bed, rubbing the sleep from my eyes before I go in search of her. I know she’s probably in the nursery, fucking around with paint samples or whatever.

  Peony pink or periwinkle purple. That’s the latest debate happening in our household.

  She’s relentless.

  I once made the mistake of telling her that I don’t think the baby cares one way or another what color her walls are as long as she’s got parents who love her.

  As you can probably guess, that didn’t go over too well. She cried over snickers and pickle spear sandwiches for two hours.

  Needless to say, it was a long night of groveling for me.

  When my eyes finally crack open, burning from the way too fucking bright California sun, I turn my head towards Remi’s side of the bed.

  My brow furrows when I see her pillow, and my heart seizes in my chest when I see my grandmother’s ring, the ring I gave Remi when I proposed, sitting on top of a folded piece of paper.

  I shake my head, denial running rampant through my body as I fight off the emotions that are trying to drown me.

  No. There’s no fucking way!

  We’re way beyond the days where she would take off, where she would disappear because the goddamn wind whispered to her in her sleep, or whatever bullshit reason she took off every time before.

  We’re getting married. We’re having a baby for fuck’s sake! There’s no goddamn way that she took off.

  My fingers itch to see what the folded paper says, but I can’t bring myself to touch it. Nothing good has ever come from waking up to a letter from her, I refuse to let myself believe that we’re back where we started.

  “Remi!” I shout into the apartment.

  Silence greets me, and I feel my body start to shake. “Remington, this isn’t fucking funny, where are you?”

  I grab my phone from the nightstand, clicking on her beautiful face in my contact log. The phone rings in my ear once and then I hear a song come to life on the other side of the room. I rise from the bed and follow the noise, finding Remi’s phone resting on top of the dresser.

  She changed the ringtone she had for me on her phone while I was sleeping, knowing that she’d be gone when I woke up. The song shatters my resolve and I run to the folded piece of paper. I drop my phone on the bed, letting the ringtone play out while I do.

  Sia’s beautiful voice shreds my fucking soul as I realize my entire future was just ripped away.

  ‘I'm trying but I keep falling down. I cry out but nothing comes now.

  I'm giving my all and I know peace will come. I never wanted to need someone. Yeah, I wanted to play tough, thought I could do all this on my own. But even Superwoman sometimes needed Superman's soul. Help me out of this hell.’

  She left.

  She actually fucking left!

  I run out of the apartment, in nothing but my underwear, racing downstairs to Abel and Dex’s apartment. I bang on the door, tears streaming down my face.

  How could she do this? Why would she do this?

  My heart hammers in my chest, my whole body overtaken by tremors as Abel appears before me, wondering who is banging on his door so early in the morning. I crash into his arms, needing someone to hold me together because I feel like I’m fucking dying without her.

  Without them.

  “She’s gone.” I croak out, shoving the letter in his hands. “She’s fucking gone, Abel.”

  Every time Remi left me in the past, something inside of me cracked. Just a little each time, nothing too detrimental, but enough to always feel the pain of her absence. Each time she came back to me, it was like she patched up each of the cracks.

  But patch jobs never last.

  And this time…

  This time it feels like she’s leveled me. I swear, it’s almost like I can feel a wrecking ball slamming into me, destroying the foundation of everything I thought I knew. Everything I thought would last.

  I collapse into Abel’s arms, unable to hold myself up against the onslaught of pain that engulfs me with each passing second. My best friend, a mountain of a man, holds me up as he closes the door behind us, and I sink to my knees, crumbling under the force of the wrecking ball that is Remington.

  Abel follows me down, holding onto me like he’s worried I’ll disintegrate before his eyes.

  I hear the shuffle of Dex’s feet behind Abel’s body somewhere but I can’t be bothered to look up. I hear the crinkle of paper being traded from one hand to the next, letting me know that Dex is reading the letter that brought all of this on.

  All the breath in my body seizes up as I fight the losing battle of attempting to hold myself together. I can’t fathom a world without her. Without them.

  Where there’s me, there should always be Remi.

  “Why did she leave?” I croak out between sobs. “Why isn’t the life we have together ever enough for her?”

  Abel’s arms squeeze me a little tighter. He’s been my rock every time she’s left before. I’ve never broken down like this though. I’ve always accepted the love my gypsy girl offered, always wanting more, but never being selfish enough to demand it from her.

  But that was before.

  Before we were engaged.

  Before Oaklynn.

  I thought we moved past all that. I convinced myself that the life we were building together would be enough for her.

  That I would be enough.

  That Oaklynn would be enough.

  My best friend stays eerily silent. I know he’s never liked what Remi’s put me through, but as long as I accepted it, he did too.

  But this is different.

  He knows it, I know it. Hell, Remi should have fucking known it.

  His silence is the loudest thing in the entire apartment. The absence of his comforting words tells me all I need to know.

  He saw this coming.

  He knew she’d leave again.

  I was just the dumb bastard that allowed himself to believe the lies that rolled off Remi’s beautiful lips.

  She was always going to leave again.

  Dex’s voice breaks through the silence, his menacing words just barely containing his rage. “This is the last time. Do you fucking hear me? You’re done, Brody. She’s done. We’re done. This bullshit with Remi is fucking done!”

  His last sentence is shouted so loud, so fiercely, I swear I feel the apartment shake with the force of his words.

  I pull away from Abel, scrubbing a hand down my face, unable to meet their eyes. I don’t know if I’ll ever be done with Remi.

  “I have to find her.”

  Silence greets me yet again and when I can’t take it anymore, I finally look up, meeting two sets of eyes promising vengeance like I’ve never seen before.

  “You’re on your own, Brody. I’m not going to help you look for a heartless bitch who doesn’t want to be found.”

  Abel clears his throat, looking away, yet still not speaking. He’s not agreeing with Dex, but he’s also not agreeing with me.

  “This is not open for debate, guys. She’s pregnant with my fucking daughter!”

  “According to this letter, she’s not anymore though, Brody. She’s gone. So is Oaklynn. They aren’t coming back.”

  For the first time in our lives, I punch my best friend. I use the last remaining strength I have left in my body, pummeling it into his face so that he can experience a minuscule amount of the pain I’m currently in. I watch the force of my fist cause him to topple backward, blood running down his face.

  And the worse part of all?

  I’m not even sorry.

  Abel brings a hand up to his face touching the blood dripping down. He eyes his crimson-colored fingers, face contorted in shock and confusion as if he
can’t believe that I actually punched him.

  I did.

  And I’d do it again.

  He should be standing by me, helping me come up with a plan. He should be helping me save both of my girls.

  “Look what she’s doing to you!” Dex screams. “Who the fuck are you right now, Brody?”

  Sensing there’s nothing left for me here, I climb to my feet and make my way to the front door, needing to find a way to close the distance Remi insisted on putting between us.

  “You’re choosing that bitch over your best friends? Friends you’ve had since you were in fucking diapers? You’re choosing a woman who gives zero fucks about you, your happiness, your fucking daughter, over us?”

  “You’re just mad that I have the balls to do what you’ve been wishing you could do your whole goddamn life, Dex!” I scream.

  I inch as close to him as possible, leaning down to whisper in his ear, low enough for only him to hear. “You think I don’t see the way you look at Bree? You think I don’t know how much it fucking kills you that it’s Abel you share a roof with instead of her?”

  I lean back, meeting his eyes in a challenge.

  “It’s not the same thing and you know it.” He argues through gritted teeth, fists clenched at his sides.

  “For the first time in my life, I’m choosing me. It’s a damn shame you guys don’t know what it means to love someone as much as I love her. Maybe one day you will. And unlike you dicks, when that time comes, I’ll actually stand by your fucking side.”

  “So that’s it then, huh?” Abel asks, still as calm as ever.

  “I’ll always choose her. I wouldn’t even know how to do anything else.”

  If only Remi would have chosen me…

  I slam the door behind me, running back up to the apartment where the ghost of the girl I love lingers in the air. Her absence feels like a noose wrapping around my neck, strangling me with its wrongness.

  I find my phone in the bedroom and google a private investigator while making quick work of throwing on whatever clothes are closest. I pace back and forth in the living room while I wait for the PI to give me something, anything, to do to help find my girls.

  I feel like I’m losing my mind, losing the sanity I had firmly intact when I closed my eyes last night.

  Dex’s words pierce through the fog that’s clouding my brain.

  ‘Who the fuck are you right now, Brody.’

  Without Remi? I honestly don’t know anymore.

  I just… I don’t fucking know.

  Come back to me, Little Wolf. Help make me whole again.

  I’m pulled from the memory when I feel someone shaking me. The fog clears and I see Shane’s eyes, searching mine for answers.

  “Got sucked in the past.” I mumble.

  “Well get firmly rooted in the present so you can go to the nurse’s station.”

  I shake my head a little, trying to right myself. Looking around, I realize that I somehow made it all the way through the hospital and to the ICU wing without me even being aware of any of it.

  I let out a labored breath, approaching the forty-something-year-old-looking nurse behind the desk. I clear my throat to get her attention.

  With her slightly graying hair pulled back into a tight bun, and a sharp widow’s peak making her face look sharp and angular, she gives off an air that warns you not to test her. But I’m in no mood to take the warnings of other people. Especially not the ones that stand in between me and Remi.

  The severe-looking woman catches my eye, releasing a sigh of frustration that I’ve approached the counter at all. Slipping her glasses down slightly so that she can peer up at me over the top of the frames, she gives me a look that tells me she doesn’t love her job nearly as much as she should.

  “Can I help you?” She huffs out, eyes going straight back to the computer screen, fingers clicking away on the keyboard, not giving me a moment more of her attention.

  “I’m here to see Remington Jameson.”

  “Are you her family?” She asks, not even bothering to glance back my way.

  “I’m her fucking everything.”

  I used to have so much doubt, back when she was keeping secrets, but now that I know the truth, I’ll never doubt her love for me again.

  “Well, Mr. Everything.” The nurse mocks, sarcasm dripping from her voice. “Ms. Jameson is currently in the care of the FBI and she isn’t allowed to have any visitors.”

  I lower my arms onto the top of the counter separating us and lean as far forward as I can so that I’m fully inserted into her personal space. I glance at her nametag, memorizing it. With a menacingly low voice, I level her with the reality of our situation.

  “Listen here, Nancy.” I bare my teeth like a rabid animal so that she knows I’m not to be fucked with. “I don’t care what the fuck your bullshit computer says. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, short of my death in this very moment will stop me from seeing my girl. I’ve already killed for her once today, I’ll gladly do it again. The hospital security can’t stop me. The cops in this town can’t stop me. The worthless FBI can’t stop me. You know what that means? That means you sure as fuck can’t stop me. So unless you want to see a side of me that I sincerely don’t think you’re prepared for, you will point me in the direction of her room, or so help me fucking god, I will reign hell down on this hospital that will make Hitler look like a saint. You feel me? Now where the fuck is my woman?”

  Nurse Nancy looks as though she’s now the one in need of a doctor. I’ve never seen the color drain from someone’s face so fast before. The current paleness of her skin tells me long before her mouth does, that I’m getting to see my girl tonight, the rest of the world be damned.

  “The, um, the fff-federal agent…” She cuts herself off to clear her throat, gaining what little composure she can muster. “Even if I take you to her room, the agent outside of her door won’t let you in.”

  “You let me worry about that prick.” I grit out, not giving a damn who is outside Remi’s door.

  “Yes, of course, okay, mhmm.” She stutters over herself. “Follow me.”

  At least someone in this town has some damn sense tonight.

  Nurse Nancy makes her way around the desk, halting about two feet away from me, looking like a deer caught in headlights. Her fear is palpable, projecting her unspoken question as loudly as if she’d actually asked.

  “As long as you take me to see my girl, you have nothing to worry about.” I reassure her, fully aware that I sound unhinged, and not giving a single fuck about it.

  “Right this way, Mr. Everything.”

  I smile to myself when there isn’t an ounce of malice or sarcasm in the use of the odd nickname I seem to have landed myself with.

  I look to Shane who has clearly been watching the entire exchange between me and Nurse Nancy if the amused expression on his face is anything to go by. I’m surprised he’s staying put instead of going home like I demanded of the rest of the guys. They all have loved ones to get back to. Well, everyone but Ryan, but I can’t handle his smart ass mouth right now so I sent him home too.

  “If you hear screaming, that’s your cue to intervene, other than that just wait out here, I’m still pissed at you.” I tell him, not in the least bit sarcastically.

  “You got it, Mr. Everything.” He fake swoons, eliciting a snort from me in response.

  I follow behind Nurse Nancy as she damn near sprints to Remi’s door, undoubtedly ready to be rid of me as soon as possible. I’d imagine she doesn’t get too many visitors that confess to killing someone earlier in the day and threatening to do it again.

  Always glad to leave a lasting impression.

  Nancy screeches to a halt midway through the fourth hallway we go down. If her shoes hadn’t made an audible announcement to her abrupt halt, I would have slammed right into her, likely sending her skittish frame barreling toward the floor.

  I look around her still for
m to see what’s got her stuck like glue. Two FBI agents are standing in the hallway, but they’re standing in front of two different doors across from each other.

  “The rest is up to you, kid.” She whispers before scurrying away.

  I saunter up to the men with bright yellow letters plastered across their chests. Knowing there’s at least one agent with an agenda that doesn’t match mine and Remi’s makes me distrust them both on sight. Other than Liz, I don’t know if I’ll ever trust a fed after this is all said and done.

  “Alright, fuckwits. Which of you is guarding Remington Jameson’s door?”

  The younger of the two steps forward two paces, facing me head-on. “I’m assuming you’re Brody.” He says it like a statement, not a question. He extends his hand toward me with a smile on his face that has no place here under the circumstances.

  I stare at the outstretched limb for a moment, realizing he wasn’t one of the lucky few in this world to be born with a good sense of self-preservation. I already know that if he doesn’t put that hand back down to his side and get the fuck out of my way, he’ll need a doctor to surgically reattach it to his body.

  “Until I know for damn sure that you aren’t the fed-bastard that’s responsible for putting my girl and her handler in here in the first place, the only time I’ll be touching you is to choke you out so that you don’t stand between me and the only thing that matters to me in this world.”

  He slowly pulls his hand back, sucking in a breath through his teeth while the older guy on the other side of the wall suppresses a laugh.

  “We were warned you’d be a little… unsettled by our presence.”

  “Unsettled? Is that the word they used?” I ask, baiting him, more than a little amused at the fear I see in his eyes.

  The older guy laughs out loud this time, finally turning toward me with amusement shining in his eyes.

  “Not by a long shot.” The older man says, clearly understanding that he needs to intervene for the safety of the rookie in front of me. “I believe their exact words were ‘He’ll gut you with your own knife before he lets you stop him from getting in that room.’ Our orders weren’t to stop you from going to see her.”