Absolution

by S. Kirkpatrick

  When I meet the SUV at the curb, I climb inside without sparing a glance at Liz. As my seatbelt clicks in place, the sound echoes through the silence and I swear it whispers ‘he won.’

  My uncle has officially taken everything.

  Once we’re safely on the highway, my apartment full of love and life, long gone in the distance, Liz finally breaks the silence.

  “I know you hate me right now, but this is the only way. One day, we’ll make this right again.”

  “You can never make this right.”

  “It’s the only way to keep you all safe, Remington. I’m doing the best I can. It’s not always easy. Sometimes it hurts. But it’s the only way you all live to see another day.”

  “I don’t think Brody will see it that way.”

  “Maybe not today, but someday he will.”

  “You just stole away the only reasons he had to keep living, Liz. We might not get the chance to fix this.”

  Quiet descends on us when she has no reply. What can you really say to something like that? There are no words to make this better. Nothing short of blasting away my uncle and all his psychotic goons right now, before Brody wakes up, will ever fix this.

  I know how this life goes. I know what it means to run from these men. As much as Liz tries to reassure me that ‘one day soon’ will magically appear, I know the truth.

  If I ever get to see Brody again…

  It won’t be for a very long time.

  And I somehow have to come to terms with that. Somehow I have to find a way to be okay with Brody missing out on his daughter taking her first breath, seeing her first smile, hearing her first cry.

  Exhaustion starts to take over when the sun begins to rise over the horizon. As my tears run dry and my eyes begin to close, I break the silence one last time.

  “He’s gonna miss everything…”

  ***

  The door to my room bursts open, ricocheting off the back wall, startling my sore and mangled body. A very pissed-off and broken-hearted version of the man I love invades the room, an FBI agent knocked out cold, on the ground behind Brody’s feet.

  “Where is my fucking daughter?”

  “She’s on her way.” I whisper through the pain that’s overtaken my body since the moment I opened my eyes this morning.

  “I can forgive a lot of things, Remington. But this? This is un-fucking-forgivable. How many opportunities have you had to tell me the truth? And how many times did you lie to my fucking face?”

  “I didn’t have a cho…”

  He cuts me off before I can finish. “I don’t care!” He screams his hand slicing through the air, silencing me. “You’re so goddamn good at writing letters to say the shit you never had the guts to say to my face. At any point in the last three years, you could have written me another one, letting me know my daughter wasn’t dead!”

  If only it was that easy… I get how in his mind that it was. Further proving my point that he never understood what it would mean to give up everything to live a life on the run. The split-second decisions you have to make, hoping that the ends justify the means.

  “I had every right to know the truth. I had every right to get to know my daughter. My three-year-old fucking daughter, Remington! Three years you’ve kept her from me. Three years that she never got to know how much I love her. How can you even look at yourself in the mirror after what you’ve done?”

  “I can’t.” I tell him honestly, my voice cracking.

  “Do you have any idea how many nights I’ve cried for her? How many times I’ve wondered what she would have looked like? Do you even care how much it destroyed me to lose her? And now I find out that it was all a fucking lie? That I could have had her this entire time?”

  “Brody, you don’t…”

  “Fuck you, Remi. Fuck. You!” His voice cracks on a scream as his tears begin to fall, his rage dying out as his pain finally breaks free. He takes a seat in the empty chair next to my hospital bed, slumping in it with defeat written across his handsome face. “I don’t even know her birthday, I couldn’t pick her out of a crowd... I’m a stranger to my own daughter and there’s nothing you can say or do that will ever make that right.”

  Silence descends on the room as a storm of emotions fly across his face one after another. Although he won’t let me argue my side of things, I wonder if he’ll allow me the time to give him answers to ease some of his fury.

  “April 15th.” I tell him as calmly and quietly as I can, hoping to calm him down before Oaklynn gets here. “She was born at 3:17 a.m. with a head full of raven black hair. Six pounds, twelve ounces, seventeen inches long. She came into the world with lungs so strong, I could immediately envision her on your shoulders, cheering for the Tar Heels, screaming at the bad calls the refs made. She loves baseball, astronauts, strawberry ice cream, and PJ Masks. Every day of her life, she’s known exactly who you are and how much you love her. Even though we couldn’t be with you, you were always with us.”

  His silence burns its way through my soul, searing me from the inside out. His pain is my pain, and I willingly accept every bit of it, knowing it can never cure the ache in his heart or the sense of loss he may always feel.

  I’ve done everything I could to make sure Oaklynn knew her Daddy, even when he couldn’t know her. It’s not fair, I know that. I know it will never make what happened okay. But I could never let Oaklynn go a day without knowing how amazing her father is.

  “She knows who her Daddy is, Brody. She idolizes you. She holds a photo of you to her chest every night when she falls asleep. Most days she refuses to wear anything other than a Dustin Ackley jersey.” I laugh slightly, remembering the heated debates we got into on laundry days. “She has several from each team he’s been on. Tar Heels, Mariners, and Yankees. The first time it rained when she had on her Yankee’s jersey she laughed, asking if the sky was telling her that you were crying because she looked like a Yankee fan. She thinks you have terrible taste in music but great taste in tacos. You mean everything to our little girl.”

  A soft knock on the door keeps me from saying anything else. Thankfully it keeps him from yelling at me some more. My entire body is pulsing and throbbing from head to toe. Each time he screams, I feel it vibrating inside my skull, fizzling to rest in each of my new injuries.

  Suddenly, a burst of black hair and Carolina blue soars through the room, an FBI agent following close behind.

  “Daddy, you here!” Oaklynn cheers, climbing in his lap without any hesitation.

  I hear Brody take in a sharp breath as he brings his trembling hands up, allowing our daughter access to curve her tiny body around his broad chest as if it was something she’s done every day of her life.

  Brody looks at me with a mixture of shock and uncertainty in his eyes, his arms automatically wrapping around Oaklynn’s body. I have to bring my hands to my chest, pushing down on my heart because it feels as if it might physically beat its way out of my body.

  I’ve dreamed of this moment every day since the night I had to run from LA. I have envisioned millions of different scenarios of the two of them finally meeting, finally able to be together, as they always should have been.

  None of my dreams live up to the reality, though. Nothing could have prepared me for the shame, heartbreak, pride, and love that I feel seeing them together at last. It’s the most bittersweet moment I’ve ever experienced, and I take a mental snapshot, wanting to treasure this moment for the rest of my life.

  Oaklynn brings her hand up to Brody’s cheek, wiping away the tears that can’t seem to run dry.

  “Daddy, it’s otay. Mommy be better soon. Bad guys gone now.”

  Brody closes his eyes at her words as if they physically pain him. Hearing how our daughter addresses him as if they’ve sat together just like this, a million times before when it’s the first time he’s ever seen her… It has to be hard.

  Conflicting. Painful.

  He lays his hand over
Oaklynn’s, keeping her tiny fingers pressed to his cheek. “Do you have any idea how much I love you?” He asks her, his voice choked up and strained.

  “More than all the stars in the sky. Mommy says that’s how much my Daddy loves me.”

  Another sharp intake of breath comes from Brody, as his other hand raises, running his fingers through Oaklynn’s inky locks.

  “Mommy was right, baby girl. I love you more than all the stars in the sky.”

  Oaklynn nods her head, implying that she already knew this, but the smile on her face tells me how much it means to her to finally hear it from her Daddy’s lips.

  My mini-me turns to face me, her eyebrows all scrunched up and adorable. “Auntie Lizzy here too?”

  “She is, Little Wolf.” I tell her when her yellow eyes that match my own, search my face for answers. “She’s resting right now though. We can see her when she’s feeling better.”

  “You gave her your nickname?” Brody asks me, completely bewildered.

  “Mommy says we’re Daddy’s wolves, fighting bad guys to get back to you. Did you know Mommy’s like Batman, Daddy?”

  I watch the two of them go back and forth in adorable erratic conversations, my heart so full it feels like it might explode. Brody’s eyes twinkle while he stares at her, his hands always holding on to her constantly moving little body.

  With all the lies that I had to tell Brody over the years, when Oaklynn was born, I promised to never lie to her. When she started asking questions, I was honest. I gave age-appropriate answers in a way she could understand, but I’ve always made sure that she was the one person I could be completely truthful with.

  Each time I had to run, she stayed back in the safety of someone Liz trusted with her own life. Each time I had to stay away from her while I led my uncle and his men away, running just like always, I wanted her to know that I was never choosing to leave her. I made sure she understood that any time we had to be apart it was because I was fighting to save us all so that one day we could be a family.

  Each time I left, coming back to her with new scars and bruises, she knew that was us getting one step closer to Brody. It helped make all of the goodbyes hurt less. It helped ensure that my daughter never had to live in fear like I did. It was my way of giving her hope when I had none as a child.

  As parents, we want to give our children everything we never had. To me, that never meant lots of unnecessary gifts or extravagant trips. In my eyes, giving her everything I never had was honesty and security. I needed my daughter to grow up knowing she was loved, knowing that I would do anything and everything to keep her safe.

  Somehow that made me Batman.

  Because according to Oaklynn, Wonder Woman sucks.

  Many people may think my parenting style is unconventional, but it gave me a strong, resilient daughter. A daughter who lives a life without fear, knowing that her parents would burn the world down to protect her.

  And I will never be sorry for that.

  No matter how many bodies I had to drop to get where we are today, I’d do it a million times over if it meant seeing my daughter so carefree and happy in her father’s arms.

  For her, no price is too high to pay.

  I can only hope that one day Brody sees it the same way. And if I’m lucky, maybe one day he’ll forgive me. I know it’s not fair to ask that of him, so I never will. But a girl can dream, right?

  “Oh, no!” Oaklynn exclaims, after about an hour in her Daddy’s lap. She jumps to the floor, her legs crossed over each other while she jumps up and down. “I gotta potty!”

  The female FBI agent that brought Oaklynn in here helps take her to the corner of the room where the bathroom is, and ushers her inside, giving Brody and me a moment alone.

  “She’s perfect.” He whispers, eyes trained on the door where Oaklynn is, just a mere ten feet away.

  “She is.”

  “She acts as if she’s known me her whole life.”

  “In her eyes, she has. You’ve always been with her, Brody. Every second of every day. You’re her favorite person.”

  For the first time in over an hour, he lays his gaze on mine, leveling me with an accusatory stare. “What’s her last name, Rem?”

  I balk at his question. I get his frustration, I get that he’s angry with me. I’ve lied and kept truths hidden for so long… I get that. And even though he doesn’t understand why things happened the way they did, does he seriously think I’d give her any other last name? That I’d allow her to live a single day on this earth without the connection that every child should have to their father?

  “Cummings. She’s your daughter, Brody. I’d never allow her to be anything else.”

  “I don’t want to go another day without her, but I don’t think I can be around you right now. What are we supposed to do about that?”

  I close my eyes, his words punching through me with a painful truth I know I deserve. In all of the scenarios I dreamed up over the years, I never let myself sink so low that I imagined us living in separate houses, sharing custody of Oaklynn.

  I selfishly wanted it all. The perfect daughter, the forgiving husband, under one roof. I didn’t give a shit about the white picket fence, or the dog unless Oaklynn wanted one. I just wanted the three of us together.

  I should have known better.

  “You’re not going to try and take her away from me are you?” I whisper, my heart breaking at just the thought.

  “I’m not like you, Rem. I would never keep our daughter away from one of her parents” The venom in his voice makes me wince as if he’d slapped me. “But I need time with her and time away from you. We need to figure out how that’s supposed to happen because, for the first time since I met you, I don’t want to be around you.”

  I nod my head, chewing on the corner of my lips, hating how much his words hurt but understanding how overdue his request is.

  I never wanted this to happen. Any of this. I fought tooth and nail to get back to him. To get Oaklynn to him. The things I’ve done, the things that have been done to me, all so that I could take the necessary steps to rid the world of my monsters so that we could finally be a family…

  He’ll never understand. He’ll never accept it as a worthy answer.

  “I can stay with Liz when we get out of here while you get to know Oaklynn and get time with her. I’m sure the girls would love to help set up your spare bedroom for her. Forewarning, she will ask to paint the walls. She likes color everywhere.”

  “There’s nothing she could ever ask of me that I wouldn’t be willing to give.”

  “I know.” I lower my chin to my chest, getting choked up at the thought of being in the same town as Oaklynn and not being able to be with her.

  “I don’t want to be angry with you, Remi. But right now that’s all I can be. You’ve had so many chances to tell me the truth since you’ve been back. It would have hurt, it would have killed me to be away from her, but I deserved to know. We could have avoided all of this if you would have just been honest with me.”

  “It’s not that simple.” I whisper, hating how much pain I’ve been forced to cause him over the years. How many sacrifies he’s unknowingly had to make.

  All because he fell in love with me.

  “From where I sit, it is that simple. And for the record, I don’t want Liz anywhere near my daughter.” He grits out, eyes blazing with fury.

  Oaklynn comes bounding back in the main room, launching herself right back in Brody’s arms before I can respond.

  There’s a small part of me that wants to be mad at him. Wants to scream and yell and throw things, to get him to understand that this was the only way to keep him alive too. That I didn’t do this to hurt him, I was forced to do this in order to save him.

  But he won’t give me that chance.

  I thought I was dying yesterday. I honestly didn’t expect to wake up today. My body hurts like hell after going through hours-long surgery, being tor
tured, sexually assaulted, and watching the only father I’ve ever known die right in front of my eyes. I jumped in front of a bullet to save Brody’s life, again, and here he is wanting nothing to do with me.

  I don’t know what I expected, but honestly, this wasn’t it.

  Yet, I don’t feel as if I have the right to point any of that out. At the end of the day, none of it matters. The only thing that matters is that my daughter finally gets to be with her father. That Brody finally gets to meet his daughter.

  And if only one of us yellow-eyed girls gets to have Brody, I’m glad it’s Oaklynn.

  It’s the way it should be.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Brody

  I called my mom earlier and asked her if she would host a big dinner tonight for my family and friends. I told her I was bringing a surprise guest, but wouldn’t tell her who it was. Hell, I haven’t even told her Remi’s back in town yet.

  Or alive for that matter.

  I know it was selfish, but I wanted to live in my Remi bubble a little longer. I wanted her all to myself without the questions and accusations that were sure to come. Stupid me, I didn’t want to make Remi pay for her sins at the hands of my parents, knowing they would surely be less forgiving than me and my friends.

  Then there’s also the fact that I didn’t want to cause my parents to worry and freak out when they found out that the guys and I were willing to go into a war that would undoubtedly cost lives. To say they wouldn’t have approved would have been an understatement.

  I text the DRAB gang and told them when to be at my parents' place, but I haven’t even told them who will be coming along with me either. I figured that was a surprise better left to be discovered in person rather than getting into it all on the phone. No one besides Shane knows about her and he’s guaranteed me that he won’t say a word to anyone.

  I know on some level it makes me a hypocrite. Now I’m the one keeping secrets. But I’m only planning on keeping secrets for a few hours whereas Remi kept them for over a decade. She kept Oaklynn a secret for three years.