Absolution

by S. Kirkpatrick

  Leave it to the moms to team up against me.

  Just as I’m about to answer yes, knowing that my mom will just create another opportunity to corner me if I don’t agree now, a hard tug inside my chest keeps my lips screwed up tight.

  The idea of letting Oaklynn out of my sight, even with everyone I trust with my own life under one roof, physically hurts me. I just got her back. I’m honestly not mentally or emotionally ready to part with her, even if it’s to play with the twins in my parents back yard.

  “How about we all go in the back and I’ll watch you play with the twins in the yard. That sound good, Hummingbird?”

  Oaklynn hugs my leg, clearly happy with the compromise. Without missing a beat, she then takes my hand in hers and drags me over to Max and Abel, silently begging them to lead the way.

  The entire hoard inside the game room follows close behind, attempting and failing at idle chit chat while we wait for Oaklynn to be far enough away from the back porch so that they can interrogate me.

  Why did I think this was a good idea again?

  Max takes both Abel and Bree with her into the yard to play with the kids, knowing that I’d want one adult per kid. It’s exactly what I’ve fussed about with their own kids, they know me well enough to know that I wouldn’t be any different with my own.

  I throw Dex a look that pleads with him to go be with them. I know the girls can handle themselves, I know there’s currently an equal kid to adult ratio… But this is my kid we’re talking about here. A kid that I thought I lost three years ago and I’m borderline manic about her safety right now.

  Okay, not borderline.

  I’m full blown manic right now.

  “I got you, man.” He says, slapping back before joining the others.

  I watch for several minutes, memorizing the way Oaklynn’s nose crinkles when she laughs. Watching how gentle she is with the adorable twin girls that are half her age.

  It wasn’t so long ago that I was having dreams I thought would never come true, thinking about this exact scenario. It all feels so surreal, I can’t even tell if I’m actually processing it or just living in a constant state of shock at this point.

  “I don’t even know what question to ask first, son.” My mom says, her eyes also glued to Oaklynn.

  We thought we lost this forever.

  My parents were heartbroken for months after what happened in LA. Mom more so than dad. Dad was more focused on being angry with Remi than he was with being heartbroken over the loss of Oaklynn.

  A part of me thinks that was a coping mechanism on his part. In his eyes, there was nothing he could do to change what happened with Oaklynn, but he could easily

  maintain his anger with Remi. That was something he could control.

  I guess that’s where I get it.

  “Remi came back a while ago. She finally gave me all the truths she should have given me eleven years ago when she took off for the first time.” I clear my throat, preparing myself to argue with them after what comes next. “We’ve uh, we’ve been living together.”

  “You’ve been what?” My dad grits out, carefully holding his emotions in check to ensure he doesn’t scare the kids.

  “Brody, I know you love that girl, but at what point will you stop letting her run all over you and tearing you apart from the inside out? How much is finally too much for you? This isn’t healthy, son. Not’s for you and certainly not for little Oaklynn.” My mom says, her hand settling on my dad’s knee, helping to calm him down.

  “What I’m about to tell you will help you understand why I was able to forgive her and put it all behind us. Keep in mind that it was all before I knew the truth about Oaklynn though. But no matter how angry I am with her right now, I won’t sit here and let you guys talk shit about her. Do you hear me? She’s still the love of my life and the mother of my child. None of that will ever change.”

  Once everyone agrees, I tell them everything Remi told me. Her childhood, her uncle, the monsters in the basement. I tell them about Liz and what she’s done for Remi over the years, the RICO case they’ve been building. I tell them how Remi has had to live on the run, never able to stay in one spot for too long for fear of being found and killed.

  Or worse, being dragged back to the basement.

  I think Remi was almost more afraid of that than she was at the prospect of dying. If it wasn’t for Oaklynn, I think death might have been easier for her in the long run.

  My mom, the most sensitive, loving, and caring person I’ve ever met, is bawling uncontrollably before I even get a chance to tell them about what happened yesterday. When I tell my family what those bastards did to Liz, to Henry… to Remi… there isn’t a dry eye on the patio.

  No matter what bad decisions Remi has made, how much she’s obliterated my soul and my trust, it’s impossible for your heart not to break for her when you hear her story. No one should ever have to endure the shit she went through.

  As I continue with recounting the events of yesterday, my mom lunges out of her seat and engulfs me in a hug, sobbing into my shoulder. It’s not very often you have to tell your parents that you signed up for a suicide mission and were lucky enough to be able to walk away at the end.

  When I finally get Mom calmed back down, she takes the seat beside me, entwining our hands together, exactly like I’ve been doing with Oaklynn all day.

  Like she’s afraid I’ll vanish if she lets go.

  Once she’s got her emotions in check, I finish the story by telling them about my… talk… with Liz after she woke up and then my confrontation with Remi right after.

  All of the emotions I’ve been trying to keep in check since Oaklynn bounded into that hospital room rush to the surface. My face is hot to the touch with the amount of restraint it takes to keep it all bottled up, unable to let it out when my daughter is playing just a few feet away.

  I don’t realize I’m shaking until my dad comes up on my other side and pulls me toward him in a side hug.

  “I can’t even look at her right now.” I tell them, my voice straining against the words. “And it’s fucking with my head because I’m more upset with her now than I was when I thought she actually had an abortion. How does that even make sense?”

  “I believe they call that ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t,’ son.” Dad says, his voice strong and stoic.

  “I don’t want to be that person, but I honestly can’t even begin to process this and come to terms with it yet. I love her so goddamn much but I can’t stop myself from being angry with her. I don’t know what the hell to do.”

  Dad just nods his head, as if his understanding of my scattered thoughts is a natural reaction. But none of this feels natural.

  Betrayal is a messy game. A game no one wins in the end. It’ll eat you up, tear you apart, and burn everything to the ground around you. Then, once the dust settles and it’s time to move forward, you can’t. Your heart may eventually heal, but the jagged scar tissue that remains afterward is like a stain on your soul. It’s always there, always nagging at you, begging you not to put your trust in anyone or anything ever again.

  Betrayal breeds cynicism.

  And Remi gave me a first-class seat.

  “Did she tell you why?” My mom asks, her voice sounding far away.

  “Nothing she says as a defense will mean a damn thing, Mom. I can’t bear to hear any more of her excuses or lies. I lived that way for eleven years. I can’t do it anymore. A lie by omission is still a fucking lie. She slept in my bed every night, told me she loved me every morning, and never mentioned a goddamn word about our daughter.”

  She shakes her head at me as if she’s disappointed in me for finally drawing the line in the sand that she was begging me to draw when we first got out here. The truth is, I’m disappointed in myself too. I came to the hospital wanting nothing more than to check on my girl and feel her pulse beneath my fingertips. And then I stormed out of there without even asking he
r how she was doing.

  This is not who I am…

  “I think you were in shock, Brody. Maybe you still are. But one thing I think is pretty obvious is that no aspect of Remington’s life is black or white. She’s lived in various shades of grey all her life and she’s had zero control the entire time. Someone has always been dictating her life for her, it doesn’t sound like she’s ever had a choice or a say-so. You’re a parent now, son. Whether or not you ever decide to be in a relationship with her again, your lives will forever be intertwined because of the child you made together, the child you will have to raise together.”

  “And that’s supposed to make it okay?”

  There’s no malice in my question. At this point, I feel like a lost little kid asking his mom for help. I don’t want to need space. I don’t want to feel like I need to be away from Remi. But until I can sift through all of the shit in my brain, I know I can’t be around her right now.

  “No, it’s not. But there’s still so much you don’t know. I think you owe it to yourself, to Oaklynn, to talk to Remington and find out the truth of what happened and where your daughter has been the last three years. You have the right to ask as many questions as you want, but you have to give her the opportunity to answer them.”

  I look around the porch at my friends and my brothers, who have been eerily quiet since we came out here. I supposed that’s to be expected though. Hell, I’m the one all of this is happening to and I don’t even know what to say.

  Sonya, the girl I consider a little sister, who has the most experience with keeping secrets, is the one who finally speaks up.

  “I love you, Brody, you know I do. But after hearing everything, I think you fucked up.”

  Talon stifles a laugh beside her, probably glad that she’s sinking her claws into someone else for a change.

  “Care to elaborate?”

  She bites her lip for a moment, clearly worried that whatever she’s about to say will likely piss me off. There’s a good chance that it will because I’m unraveling on the inside. But there’s a stronger part of me that’s just begging for something to click in my mind and help me find out a way to piece myself back together so that I can help Remi do the same.

  So that I can help our family do the same.

  “Sometimes the secrets we keep either aren’t ours to divulge, or there’s a lot more than meets the eye. And truth be told after that girl jumped in front of a bullet and nearly died so that she could save your life, I’m seriously disappointed that you didn’t even give her a chance to give you the truths she says she hasn’t been allowed to give you.”

  Talon picks up Sonya’s hand, kissing her knuckles before he sits forward, drawing my attention to him.

  “My sister kept secrets from everyone for most of her life. A lot of the secrets she kept were because she thought she was protecting me. If I’ve learned anything about your girl so far, it’s that she was willing to be the martyr because she didn’t feel like she could be anything else.”

  “Anyone else want to tell me how badly I fucked up?”

  Defensive? Yes. Necessary? Also yes.

  I’m at war with myself, I know that. I’m constantly swaying back and forth between defending myself and then trying to come to terms with what was beyond mine, and likely, Remi’s control.

  Yes, I’m angry. I’m pissed and I’m hurt. I’ve lost three years with my daughter that I can never get back. Three years of love and memories that I never got to be a part of. Three years where I constantly mourned the loss of a daughter that turned out to be alive and well the whole time.

  No amount of explanation or apologies will ever change any of that.

  On the flip side, I know this isn’t what Remi truly wanted. I know deep down that Remi didn’t want to keep Oaklynn and me apart. I know it’s wrong to punish her for that.

  The last thing I want is to be another disappointment, another letdown in Remi’s world. But until I sort through all the shit in my own head, it’s best for all of us if I keep my distance. I don’t want her to look at me and see the chaos in my mind reflected back at her. I don’t want to punish her for my pain. But I can’t seem to figure out how not to do that.

  “Yeah, actually, I do.” Dex says, walking up to the porch, sending Ryan to the yard to take his spot.

  I raise an eyebrow in question, unsure how he plans on contributing to a conversation he hasn’t heard any part of.

  “I’ve got crazy good hearing, it’s a necessity when you live with a stubborn ass woman who refuses to ask for help when she needs it.” He says, answering my unspoken question by telling me that he heard everything we’ve been talking about while he was in the yard.

  “Ya know what, Dex?” I ask, my eyes fluttering to the raven-haired girl giggling in the yard. “You and I have never seen eye to eye when it came to Remi. You wanted me to wash my hands of her when she walked away, yet here you are, about to tell me I’m the one that’s fucking things up? How does that work? Because I gotta be honest, I’m feeling a sense of déjà vu right now where I kind of want to punch you in the face.”

  He nods his head at my words as if processing them in his mind and agreeing, or I guess maybe understanding, where I’m coming from.

  “I understand, brother, I really do, but…”

  I cut him off before he can finish.

  “But you don’t. You don’t understand. None of you do.”

  I glance around the porch full of judgmental eyes that all want to take a turn telling me how wrong I am. People who want to have an opinion when they don’t have the first clue as to what it feels like to be the person going through this.

  I level Dex with a look that tells him he’s testing my patience. I lower my voice so that Oaklynn doesn’t hear me upset or hear me say bad things about her mother.

  “You say you understand, but you don’t. You can’t. Your wife is pregnant right now, Dex. Put yourself in my position. You’ve got everything you’ve ever wanted out of life. Now imagine going to sleep tonight with your pregnant wife in your arms, believing your life is perfect and only just beginning. But when you wake up in the morning, she’s gone. On the pillow where her head should be is the ring you put on her finger and a note telling you that she doesn’t want the life you planned together. She doesn’t want to be a wife, she doesn’t want to be a mother, and that she’s getting rid of the baby before you even have a say in the matter.”

  These memories hold every ounce of heart-wrenching pain I’ve ever experienced. The pain you feel when you’re fast asleep, the pain that rips away at your humanity as the days go by. The pain that doesn’t heal, only festers, until you’re forced to slice out parts of yourself to accommodate room for the pain that grows more and more with each passing day. The pain that turns you into someone you don’t even recognize because you can’t even feel anything else.

  Because there’s no room for anything else.

  “Imagine what that alone must have felt like. Try and feel the scars on your heart that would leave behind. Scars that don’t fucking heal, pain that reignites every day when you open your eyes and that’s the reality you have to live in. For three years you do what you can to cope with the loss of everything you held dear. Then pretend that three years later, Bree pops up alive and well, and then nearly dies before someone else tells you the child you thought she had an abortion with, is in fact alive and well. A child that knows you as if you’ve been there every day of her life, but you never got to know. Now look me in my eyes and tell me that I’m fucking wrong for being pissed. That I have no right to be mad. That I’m the one who’s fucking wrong. You have no idea what that feels like, D.”

  Just as Dex opens his mouth to respond, likely pissing me off in the process, but my mother beats him to the punch.

  “I do.” Her voice is low, yet strong. “I do know what that feels like, Brody. You weren’t the only one who lost Oaklynn that day. I went to sleep one night with a happy son, a soon-to-be d
aughter-in-law, and a granddaughter on the way. I woke up and it all changed. I lost my happy son. I lost my future daughter-in-law. I lost my only grandchild.”

  Her voice breaks at the end, her pain at losing Oaklynn rising to the surface. Even if she’s here now, it doesn’t take away the pain and suffering we all felt for three years.

  “I watched you deteriorate in front of my eyes, son. I watched you suffer in silence, refusing to let anyone else share your pain. But you weren’t the only one hurting, you weren’t the only one who lost a child that day. I did too. You haven’t been the same since then. Your smile never reaches your eyes anymore, I can’t even remember the last time I heard you laugh. We rarely see or speak to you anymore and we live in the same town. I watched you forget how to trust, how to live, how to love.”

  “I had no real reason to do any of those things anymore, Mom. The only reasons I had for trusting, living, laughing, loving… They all vanished when Remi did. When Oaklynn did.”

  “And now they’re both right here. They both came back to you. That’s what they wanted, what they’ve been working for. After everything you told me, they never wanted to be without you.”

  “Is that supposed to erase the last three years?”

  “No.” My dad cuts in, taking over for my mom when it’s clear that I’m not backing down. “No, it doesn’t erase the last three years. It just makes your anger right now pointless. You’ve spent three years grieving and being angry at circumstances out of your control, likely out of Remi’s control as you’ve already admitted. You have everything you’ve ever wanted all over again, so why waste any more time being angry and broken? You already missed out on three years with your daughter. Do you want to waste a single second more being upset over things that you can’t change? Is that really the reunion you want with Oaklynn?”

  Leave it to my dad to say the exact right thing. He always had a way of getting someone to change their perspective and see things from a whole new angle.