Home (Finding My Home Book 1)

by Nikita Parmenter

  “Can I tell you the condensed version and tell you the full stories another day?” I ask.

  “Of course, Angel, whatever you feel comfortable with” Jensen reassures me, the guy’s shoot him a curious look at his use of nickname for me but none of them say anything.

  “Thank you. I’m not sure where to start” I ponder before an idea hits me and I shrug off Trick’s hoody and sit down on the same couch seat as before, “so pick a scar and I’ll explain.”

  “Ok, if you’re sure?” Trick confirms and I nod.

  “This one” Luc says gently running his finger along the one on my upper arm.

  “A bullet grazed me. I was doing a drop and a rival gang showed up. I got out of there as soon as I realised shit was about to hit the fan but got hit on the way out the window. I’m lucky though, it could’ve been worse.”

  That one was an easy one. Rafe clenches his fists his eyes flashing but stays silent.

  “What about these?” Jensen asks, leaning forward from where he’s sat next to Rafe and Trick on the table in front of me and tracing the circles on the top of my shoulder.

  Riot stands further back behind the coffee table his eyes storming and his entire body tense. Luc and Cash sit either side of me on the couch, their forms not so tense but still rigid.

  “Cigarette burns” Riot answers before I can, recognising the small circle shaped scars. I nod slowly my eyes not leaving Riot.

  “My dad, when he was mildly pissed” I shrug, “there’s more on my back.” I add.

  Someone exhales sharply.

  I see Rafe shoot Riot a concerned look as I stand up and turn around so they can see the ones that my tank top exposes on my upper back and shoulders.

  “What happened here?” Rafe questions, somehow making his growly voice sound soft. It’s the longest sentence he’s spoken so far, and a small burst of joy helps to sooth my rapidly growing ragged edges. He runs his finger gently down my biggest scar that starts just underneath my left shoulder blade and extends down underneath my cami towards my right hip.

  “That’s what happened when my father was majorly pissed” I leave it at that, I’m not expanding on that story.

  Luc and Cash get up and circle behind me to see which scar I’m talking about. My hands are starting shake as the memories resurface, but with my back towards the guys I clench them tightly in front me. I can last for a bit longer.

  “This one?” Trick whispers gently, touching the scar about two inches long at the base of my neck.

  “Some fucker didn’t take no for an answer” the guys freeze behind me; I turn and grin savagely at them. “He didn’t get anywhere, and I repaid him in kind for my scar tenfold.”

  The guys sag in relief. That was one scar too many though. I should’ve stopped when my hands started shaking. I spin back around my hands still fisted, trying to stop the shake. I feel exposed and like any wounded animal, I go on the defensive.

  “Ugly right?” I scoff. Not allowing them to answer, I continue with a sneer “that’s what the last guy I actually decided to date, instead of just fuck said” I say crassly as the memories flit across my mind in a macabre scene. I realise I’ve pushed myself too far on top of all the other shit that happened today but I can’t seem to stop myself as I continue, “and I quote; you’re disgusting Ever, look at you, you’re damaged goods only good for one thing and even then you’re not actually good for that, one look at you naked has my dick deflating” I chuckle darkly, “I picked a winner with that one.”

  “Name” Jensen demands, darkly. Vicious light dances in his eyes again.

  “What?” I stare at him blankly; my thoughts are churning so much that hardly anything is making much sense right now.

  “We want his name, Ever” Luc growls darkly.

  “Does it really matter” I growl back, “he was fucking right” I add angrily as I move away from them and start pacing hoping that movement will push the memories back.

  “Don’t you dare fucking say that Ever” Cash growls jumping up to stand in front of me. “You’re beautiful exactly how you are” he says firmly staring at me intently.

  I scoff and step around him continuing to pace. A part of me knows I’m being irrational right now but the wounded and damaged part of me has come out to play and she’s on the defensive.

  “He’s right, Ever. You knock the breath out me every time you smile” Luc tells me, my steps falter at his sweet words but I continue my pacing.

  “Every time you look at me my heart starts beating like a fucking drum” Trick adds.

  I glance at him and seeing the truth in his eyes helps push back some of the anger and defensiveness.

  “You feel like home” Rafe adds pushing the anger back further and allowing the sadness to take root.

  “You don’t judge me for my violent side, you accept me and challenge me and you are so fucking beautiful, Angel” Jensen, growls.

  Riot comes to stand in front me, stopping my progress and instead of stepping around him, I allow him to reach out and gently place his hands against my cheeks. He ducks down so his eyes are level with mine. I gasp at all the emotions swimming in the depths of his eyes, but the one that has my shoulders sagging under the weight of everything, is understanding. The guys surround me in a circle, Rafe and Cash next to Riot with the other three spread around me, placing me in the middle.

  “They’re so fucking ugly Riot” I whisper brokenly as the first tear falls, “and there’s more inside, my soul is covered in raised ugly scars. Who is going to love someone so damaged?” I add, my eyes locked onto his as tears silently make their way down my cheeks. I never wanted to admit that out loud to anyone.

  “You’re not damaged Ever, you’re a survivor” he says sternly, “I don’t see a damaged ugly woman. I see a woman who was dealt a really fucking shitty hand, someone who is beautiful and strong despite her scars on the inside and out.”

  Tears flow faster down my cheeks. I always tell myself something similar, but I never quite believe it. Hearing him say it though, sooths some of my jagged edges.

  “They remind me though, each time I look at them I remember” I whisper brokenly, and the others tense back up around me but stay silent, trusting Riot to lead in this moment. “I remember how every single one happened, who did it to me. I remember the pain.”

  “I know, Ever,” his haunted amber eyes stare into my own navy depths. “Trust me, I know.”

  The guys inhale sharply at his admission and I’m guessing they didn’t realise that Riot feels like this. Gazing into his eyes I see the moment his resolve hardens. He gently kisses the tip of my nose, then steps back, turning around and removing his black shirt. I watch as Rafe and Cash’s hands clench into fists, the others, shuffling in anger. I don’t pay them any mind though; all of my focus is on Riot’s back. He has a line of cigarette burns across the back of shoulders, leading from one to the other. I really wish I could say that, that was the extent of his scars but underneath the line are hundreds of crosses, carved or burnt into his skin. All different sizes but covering him from under the cigarette burns to the base of his back and layered over the top of them are long slashes that look like they were made by a whip of some sort, I have a couple of scars from those myself.

  I stare in horror, the amount of pain he had to endure is truly heart-breaking. I take a step forward and he tenses up even more, turning rigid as tension keeps his sculpted muscles taught. I gently place a kiss right in the middle of his back, which sends a shudder throughout his entire body as his breathing becomes ragged, his head bowed. The guys watch silently as I slowly make my way around him.

  What I find when I finally face him shatters me, tears are streaming silently down his stubbled cheeks, as his tormented eyes beg me to not see him any differently. I gently place my hands on his cheeks like he did for me, and bring his mouth down to meet mine, as I softly kiss him, our tears over our shared pain mixing together.

  “Beautiful survivor” I whisper fiercely.

 
; He lets out a ragged breath, his arms wrapping around me as his legs practically collapse underneath him. The guys shoot forwards to help guide him down, since he hasn’t let go of me and just pulls me down with him.

  They help to lean him back against one of the couches, and I end up straddling his lap, his head buried in my neck. The guys all follow us down, Rafe sat on our left, his entire side pressed against Riot and his palm on my back. Jensen sits on the other side with his hand gripping my thigh and the others surround us sat close as possible.

  After a few moments, Riot seems to collect himself and sits up smiling softly at me before tipping his head back, so it rests against the couch behind him as he stares up at the ceiling.

  “You probably don’t remember but my parents are really religious, when I was fourteen, I came out as bi to the guys. I’d known I liked boys and girls, how most guys in our grade only liked girls for a while before I told them, but I didn’t know there was a label for it. That was just how I felt. The guys were all awesome about it, Jensen even said ‘well Duh dude’ when I told them” he chuckles lightly at the memory and Jensen squeezes my thigh once, “I knew I needed to tell my parents but they were so religious I was worried about their reactions. They were my parents though so I thought surely they’d understand, right?” he gulps and Rafe reaches out and takes Riot’s hand twinning their fingers together. Riot grips his hand tightly, swallowing roughly again.

  I move forward and place a light kiss on his jaw, the only part of him I can reach in this moment, with his head still tipped back, trying to offer comfort.

  “I was cautiously optimistic when I went to tell them, they listened calmly and then, when I smiled thinking they were accepting it and going to be supportive of me, they lost their shit. My father dragged me to the kitchen by my hair and forced me to kneel as he lit a cigarette and started to put them out on my skin. He got bored of that after he finished the line though. So, he heated up the fire poker on the gas stove top and dragged it across my skin for hours. I begged and pleaded with them to stop.” He takes a shuddering breath before he continues, “I didn’t understand how they could do this to me, my father kept saying over and over again that he had to burn the evil out of me. Whilst my mom just watched and encouraged him. They finally stopped early in the morning, having breakfast and going to work like they hadn’t just tortured me all night. I dragged myself upstairs exhausted and in agony but needing to know what they had done to my back, the movements he made with the poker felt too precise to be random. When I looked in the mirror, I realised just how right I was, they’d burned crucifixes on the entire upper part of my back.

  After that, they kept me off school and separated me from the guys, confiscating any way I had to contact them, deeming them a bad influence on me. For two weeks they tortured me, graduating from using the poker to using knives and a whip they purchased especially for me. The guys came by a couple of times to try and see me and it broke me when they’d tell them I didn’t want to be friends anymore. Each time they came I was too weak to do anything, bruised, battered, bloody and barely fed enough to keep me conscious, I could barely lift my head let alone shout for help.

  That changed when I overheard my parents talking about a special camp, they were going to send me to, to fix me” he growls, “I had two days to try and find a way out of this hell. I had heard about what happened at these camps, everyone knows the horror stories that come out of those camps. I knew there was nothing wrong with me. I didn’t need to be fixed just because I liked boys and girls, despite what my parents thought. I managed to find a scrap piece of paper and a pencil in my room and scrawled a note explaining to the guys what was happening, I just had to hope that they would come back again before my parents sent me away and not believe the lies that they were spouting.

  Fortunately, the guys turned up the next day. I hauled myself to the window, they had wedged it shut so I couldn’t escape. Not that I would’ve been able to anyway, they kept me hurt and weak enough that I nearly passed out just from leaning against the window frame, there was a small gap where the window didn’t quite meet the frame and as the guys left, Jensen looked up to my window, he looked absolutely horrified. It didn’t occur to me to think about what all the damage they had done made me look like. Even though all the damage was on my back, I knew I had lost weight and I hadn’t been able to shower since they first started this torture.

  I slipped the note out of the gap in the window and prayed that they got it and helped in time. My legs gave out just as I managed to slip it through, so I had no idea if they got it or if the breeze took it away” he takes another ragged breath. “I sat there as the minutes ticked by slowly losing hope, until an hour later when the cops arrived. They broke down the door and arrested my parents. They found me lying face down on my soiled bedding, two of the cops that stormed the room, threw up when they saw my back. They carted me off to hospital, so quickly that I didn’t get a chance to see the guys. I heard them screaming my name when I was loaded into the back of the ambulance. The hospital fixed me up and Cash’s parents handled all of the legal stuff and got me emancipated from my parents, so I don’t have any ties to them whatsoever. They’re in prison for a long time and although I was emancipated, I went to live with my aunt. I had physical therapy and I still have therapy sessions, but I don’t need them as regularly as I did.” He finishes his story, looking pale and wiped out. Tears are streaming down my face, my arms wrap around his neck and he comes willing burying his head in my neck again, as one of his arms wraps around my waist the other still gripping Rafe’s hand tightly.

  “I am so fucking sorry that happened to you, it’s absolutely vile. You’re amazing Riot” I don’t know what to say, what his parents did is absolutely abhorrent but I’m in awe of his strength. “You were right, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being bi and anyone who has a problem with it should burn in the fiery pits of hell for eternity. Love is love.” I say fiercely.

  The guys all growl out agreements.

  Riot chuckles wetly, taking deep breaths. It was a massive show of strength and trust for him to tell me his story. The walls around my heart crack even more for all of these amazing guys.

  Riot straightens and looks around at the guys, smiling as he pushes the shadows away.

  “Are we going to watch this film or what?” he grins, “I get Ever” he smirks as he stands up with me still wrapped around him, fuck he’s strong. His declaration breaks the sombre mood of the room.

  “Oh, fuck no dude, you just had her wrapped around you for ages” Jensen growls playfully.

  “You’re one to talk dickhead” Trick smirks, “how exactly did Ever manage to calm you down earlier, when nothing we’ve ever tried apart from letting you run or fight it off, works?”

  “Touché asshole” Jensen grins as the other guys chuckle.

  My head ping pongs between them all. They obviously know something happened between me and Jensen, they just saw me kiss Riot and I flirt with all of them despite my best intentions, it just seems natural, and yet they aren’t pissed at each other or at me, they’re teasing each other.

  Huh.

  I’m not going to think about it anymore, tonight has been full of revelations and seriousness. I’m just going to be me and do what feels right so long as no one gets hurt or starts to mind. I’ll have to talk to them all at some point but not now.

  “Jealous?” I smirk at Trick as I hop down from Riot and grab one of the bowls of popcorn we bought in earlier.

  Trick stares at me in shock, as Rafe chuckles and claps him on the back.

  “Yes” he growls out.

  Well props to him, I didn’t think he’d admit it.

  Why do I find that hot?

  I grin and blow him a kiss before plopping my tired and emotionally drained ass down on one of the large cinema seats. The guys share a look before there’s a mad scramble that ends with them all haphazardly landing on top of me, the seat and sprawled on the floor.

  Laughter
bursts from me.

  “Guys, can’t, breathe” I chuckle breathlessly.

  They immediately get up.

  “Sorry Ever” Luc apologises for them all looking slightly embarrassed, which just sets me off again.

  My giggles become uncontrollable as they start to play rock, paper scissors. I don’t think we’re ever going to watch this movie at this rate. Eventually they sort it out and I end up with Riot on my left, Trick on my right.

  “Hey!” I exclaim in shock as Rafe plucks me up from between the others, as if I weigh nothing and sits back down in my space with me on his lap.

  “Fuck, why didn’t I think of that?” Jensen curses as Cash and Luc chuckle taking seats on the couch next to us, as Cash finally starts the movie. I blow him a kiss and he grins widely at me.

  Jensen is still standing in front of me and Rafe blocking our view of the screen, I raise my eyebrow at him in question.

  “Can I help you?” I smirk.

  “Just thinking, Angel” he grins mischievously.

  I watch curiously as he practically skips over to one of the other seats and grabs three cushions, he brings them back over and dumps them on the floor in front of me and Rafe, propping two on the floor and one against Rafe’s legs. I glance back at Rafe and he shrugs his massive shoulders, smiling. Jensen promptly sits down on the cushions, leaning back against Rafe’s legs. The cushions underneath him raise him up to just the right height, so that his head rests against my legs and I automatically start running my fingers through his hair as I finally start to watch the superhero movie. Riot and Trick chuckle at his antics from either side of me.

  “You, clever fucker” Luc curses in amusement and Jensen just flips him the bird, his eyes closed as his head leans back on my knees, my fingers absently playing with his dark blond hair.

  Rafe’s arms tighten around my waist as he chuckles in my ear, sending shivers down my spine. I’m engrossed in the movie within minutes of actually focusing on it.