“Dude, we gotta get warmed up for the show.” Connor broke up the reunion up by herding the guys.
“Feel free to hang out here, you can go wherever you want.” Jace motioned to the spread before ripping off his shirt and tossing it onto the couch. His eyes never left mine.
I knew what he was doing.
“If you want to watch from the side stage, it’s pretty cool. The sound’s not as good, though.” Zane offered helpfully.
“Does Ty know I’m here?”
“Yeah. I told him. He’s warming up in his dressing room.” Jace grabbed a bandana and tied it around his hair, his pecs and biceps flexing with the effort. “I doubt he’ll make an appearance, don’t take it the wrong way.”
“Okay. Well, we’ll head out and stay out of your way.” I took Sam’s hand and headed for the door. “Great to see you all.”
“Come back after the show, Alex!” Zane called after me.
Rather than watching from the side of the stage, Sam and I stood right in front of the security gate. Out of some sort of loyalty to Sam, I positioned myself purposefully so that I didn’t have a good visual of Jace.
Even though he was the only member of LTZ I wanted to ogle.
The only band member I would ogle.
Which still wasn’t appropriate.
So it just seemed easier to resist temptation.
Shirtless Jace in the dressing room stirred up the most intense sexual longing I’d ever experienced. My life choices suddenly seemed stupid and meaningless. I felt like I was going to throw up. Sam was rocking out and oblivious to my distress, thank God.
The part of the show I managed to pay attention to was incredible. Ty was absolutely hypnotizing. Zane and Connor rocked. Jace probably did too. But, again, I couldn’t see him.
I was miserable. I had to get out of there.
Sam was disappointed when I pleaded with him to leave early after claiming that I was getting a migraine. In reality, just seeing Jace made me want to stowaway on their tour bus. I knew that if I wanted to give Sam half a chance, I had to immediately get away from LTZ and my past.
I also knew, without a shadow of doubt, that if Jace and I were to find ourselves alone somewhere backstage or at an afterparty, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from kissing him. Or sucking on his . . .
I was a monster.
Hours later back at our flat, Sam was sleeping soundly. I was wide awake. Careful not to disturb him, I snuck outside to sit and think on the veranda. My mind raced. I wondered what the hell I was going to do. I needed my BFF.
Alex: Z are you there?
Zoey: …
Zoey: …
Zoey: Hey!
Alex: I miss you.
Zoey: I miss you too.
Alex: I’m engaged to Sam the Aussie.
Zoey: What????
Alex: Long story, I’m living in Oz.
Zoey: WTF! R you going to get married?
Alex: Dunno, for fucks sake, I’m only 21.
Zoey: Huh. Well, I’m going to law school.
Alex: Will you come to Australia and be in my wedding if I go through with it?
Zoey: Something tells me that I won’t need to worry about it.
Alex: Full disclosure - I saw LTZ tonight in Sydney.
Zoey: …
Zoey: …
Zoey: I can’t talk about Ty. Sorry.
Alex: I know, I’m sorry, but I didn’t want to lie to you.
Zoey: It’s ok.
Alex: Please don’t disappear again, I need you.
Zoey: It’s hard when you’re with them, I’m jealous and sad.
Alex: You could talk to Ty.
Zoey: …
Zoey: …
Zoey: Gotta go, love you don’t get married without me.
Alex: love u2, I won’t.
I despaired as I wrapped myself snugly in a blanket, and I was not the despairing type.
How did I end up engaged? Why did I bring Sam to the show? Did I want to throw it in Jace’s face? Did I want to be with Jace? Even though I only saw him for a few minutes, his mere presence brought up a groundswell of feelings. Feelings that had no basis in reality. Jace had never given me any indication that he wanted us to be a couple. So why was I so conflicted?
My phone buzzed interrupting my thoughts.
Jace: Where did you go?
Alex: headache
Jace: huh
Jace: You looked beautiful, are you happy?
Alex: I don’t know how to answer that.
Jace: huh
Jace: Sam seems nice.
Alex: He is.
Jace: Do you love him?
Alex: Yes . . .
Jace: But?
Alex: I’m barely 21, WTF am I doing.
Jace: You said you’d meet someone.
Alex: I know.
Jace: I can admit that I was hoping tonight would go a different way.
Alex: huh
Jace: We head back to Seattle tomorrow.
Alex: Say hi to Seattle, I’m missing home.
Jace: So, do you live here?
Alex: Y for now
Jace: I want the best 4u.
Alex: I know, I want the same 4u.
Jace: I should get going.
Alex: Ok.
Jace: jealous, u know
Alex: Have u been celibate for a year?
Jace: What if I told you I was?
Alex: ???
Jace: No, I can’t lie.
Alex: Then u can’t be jealous, it doesn’t work that way.
Jace: I know.
Alex: ok
Jace: ok
Alex: keep in touch
Jace: Maybe, it’s best I let you off the hook on that.
Alex: we’re friends
Jace: sexy friends
Alex: right
Jace: Take care, Poppy.
Alex: You too.
Tears streamed down my face and I curled up into a ball and wept, trying hard to sort out the mess I was in. Sam was awesome and I loved being with him, but after seeing Jace, I realized that I didn’t love him the way I should. I was pretty sure I loved Jace.
But, did I know what love was?
Jace was unavailable. It wasn’t like if I broke up with Sam that my sexy drummer would call me his girlfriend or propose marriage. For nearly three years, outside of our two days in Barcelona, I’d been alone. I’d met a lot of friends, but they were transients like me. Sam was truly awesome, and now that I had someone who really wanted to be with me, how could I leave him behind?
Then again, how could I stay?
Chapter 11
JACE
Two years later
Ordinarily, we didn’t have to be at the venue on a load-in day, but since it was the beginning of the Z tour in Europe our new publicists hired a crew to shoot a bunch of behind-the-scenes footage and we wanted to do a run-through of the live show. Now that we had truly hit the big-time, our schedules were more packed than ever before. Even with an actual staff to handle a lot of the mundane things we used to do, it felt like we had even less time for ourselves.
Strolling through the bowels of the SSE Arena in Belfast, I watched the flurry of activity related to our new stage, which was in the final stages of being set up. The crew was scurrying around troubleshooting the lighting, rigging, and PA systems, and the arena staff was equally as busy making sure catering was perfect and the dressing rooms followed our riders.
My favorite part of production was watching the safety checks on the special effects we had incorporated into our live show. The LTZ experience now involved lasers, pyrotechnics, and a couple of aerial tricks which, when you were in the middle of playing, were hard to fully appreciate. I wanted to take photos for the social media feeds from the audience’s perspective.
Afterward, I headed to the dressing room. Connor and Zane were already there getting ready for our photo shoot. With my uniform of a T-shirt and khaki shorts, I was ready. I still hated the bullshit man-primping our “adviso
rs” kept encouraging. My one act of rebellion.
No one knew where Ty was, so I went to look for him. Sure enough, he was in the stairwell getting a blowjob from some random chick. I could see her tousled black hair bobbing back and forth on his dick. His new normal. When he caught my gaze, his blue eyes were hollow. His face didn’t really register any sense of enjoyment.
“Dude, finish up.” I rolled my eyes.
“That’s enough.” Ty pulled the chick off his cock by her cheeks and stood up, tucked himself back into his threadbare jeans, and followed me back to the dressing room without giving her a second look.
“Ty—” I really didn’t know what the fuck he was doing anymore.
“Don’t say a fucking word.” Ty glowered at me.
“I’m not going to tell you what to do.” I clapped his back. “But, fucking Zoey out of your system isn’t working.”
“I sing these songs about her night after night.” His deep voice was strained. He leaned over and shook out his hair. “I thought it would be cathartic. But it’s not. It’s still killing me. Slowly. Each day.”
“Well, that’s pretty dramatic.” I cocked my head. “She’s probably heard the record, maybe they’re killing her.”
“You’d know more than me.”
My heart constricted a bit, but mostly, I tried not to think about the willowy stunner. “I haven’t talked to Alex in a long time, my brother.”
“The truth is, I wish I could hate her.” Ty fixed his eyes on me. “But, I don’t. I could never hate her.”
“What bullshit are you trying to prove by fucking all of these randoms?” I squinted at him.
Ty shook out his arms and hooked his thumbs in his jeans. “I’m just trying to have some fun.”
“Well, is it working?”
“Sometimes?” Ty scrubbed the dark stubble on his face with his hand.
I could relate, though I couldn’t tell Ty that. When I’d learned that Alex was engaged to the Aussie, I’d gone straight back into fuck ’em and leave ’em mode. Consequently, she and I lost touch after our show in Sydney.
With the exception of her angry demands that I protect Zoey after Z was released, which I did, the airwaves had been radio silent between us. Occasionally I trolled her ’Gram, which nowadays only had pictures of her doing charitable things for various animals.
It sucked. Losing touch with the people who knew you before you were famous was one side-effect of becoming well-known. We were away from our families and friends for years at a time, and life went on without us. When we’d get back home, there was an adjustment period to assimilate back into some semblance of a regular routine. Which was virtually impossible because you missed so much day-to-day stuff.
I was still fairly close with Jen, but I hadn’t seen my parents and other sisters in almost a year. My family’s thrill at my fame waned when fame became “normal.”
But being recognized everywhere didn’t allow us to live like normal people.
Another side-effect (or perk, depending on how you looked at it) was the sheer abundance of yes-men/women who surrounded us. People would do anything to spend time with a famous musician. And because they read about you in the press and saw your photos posted all over social, they really thought they knew you.
Sure, the first couple of years it was cool to be recognized. Mostly because I appreciated the fans so much. It got tougher and tougher because more information was available about us. Not much was accurate. The truth of the matter was no one really knew us. Not really. Everyone just thought they did.
The sex, drugs, and rock and roll lifestyle was hard to resist. Women and men propositioned us relentlessly all day long. We had world-class travel and entertainment at the snap of our fingers. Access to anyone or anything at pretty much anytime, whether it was good or bad for you, was expected. The crew and management staff took care of all of our needs, including grocery shopping and laundry. This was a necessary evil because it became a real pain in the ass to try to do any of this ourselves.
A simple trip to the supermarket for a pint of ice cream could, if you let it, turn into a two-hour autograph and selfie marathon in the best of times. Or, a mob-mentality security nightmare in the worst.
I’d often reminisce about that wonderful day in Barcelona with Alex when I was able to roam the streets without being recognized. I couldn’t think of too many days since where I was able to be fully incognito.
We were making our way back to the dressing room when my thoughts were interrupted by our publicists, Sienna and Andrew, who handed me a laundry list of tasks for us to complete over the next two days. We were also presented with invites to a number of parties all over Belfast tonight and again tomorrow after the show. We’d never been to Ireland, and the red carpet had been rolled out.
A big part of me missed being fully in charge of our marketing, but my day-to-day obligations as a member of LTZ had made it too hard to manage both. For the most part, I still kept up our social. But the new team was professional and had long relationships with the media. We had more press coverage than ever. Was it good coverage? I wasn’t so sure. Everything felt contrived.
In my opinion, their strategy was in direct contrast to our core values as a band and as authentic Seattleites.
My biggest concern, at the moment, was that our manager Katherine was on the verge of staging an intervention with Ty. Sienna, in particular, encouraged him to drink and party because he did stupid things that generated press. In my opinion, our singer’s self-destruction had bigger ramifications than how many views LTZ got on YouTube.
But it wasn’t my call on the marketing anymore.
What I could control was steering things with Ty in a more positive direction. Since the Carter debacle, Zane and Ty hadn’t been as close. Zane had also given up trying to stop Ty from partying.
I planned to try to break through. After the photo shoot, we rode to the hotel together and I resumed our earlier conversation.
“I’ve been thinking. I’m going to quit drinking on this next leg of the tour and start working out instead. Do you want to join me?” I knew that if Ty didn’t clean up his act soon, Katherine would likely send him to rehab.
Ty wrinkled his nose. “I don’t know, Jace.”
“No pressure.”
“Look, I know that my emotions have been all over the map for years. I think I’ve finally run out of gas on the anger thing.”
I didn’t say anything, I just looked at him.
“Tell me this—Why is everyone so freaked out about me finally getting drunk and laid? Isn’t that what everyone expected me to do when we started this thing? Carter sure did.”
“Forget Carter.” I leaned back against the smooth leather of the town car. “In answer to your question, you just aren’t yourself. I mean, are you doing what you want to do? Or what Andrew and Sienna want you to do?”
Ty shot me an arrogant smile. “Fuck if I know. It sucked ass being a sober recluse emo-guy. I’m trying on party slut aggro-guy for size.”
“Dude.” I didn’t know what to say.
Ty fixed his gaze past me out the window, a faraway look in his eyes. “The thing is, when I’m onstage it all goes away. There’s nothing like it, right?”
“Yeah.”
“But after? I’m so fucking lonely. I just want that feeling of peace that I had with Zoey. I’m chasing it, and I don’t want to stop until I find it again.” Ty crossed his arms protectively around himself. “I know you think I just want to fuck her out of my system, and maybe you’re right. But, nothing else has worked.”
“It’s not working though, is it?”
“Not even a little bit.”
I was just as guilty. But fucking wasn’t the root of the problem. The party favors were.
Zane and Connor had substance abuse in their family history. Even though they had their own proclivities, both were surprisingly regimented when it came to drugs and alcohol. I’d always been able to take it or leave it. On the other hand, Ty, w
ho at one time had been the most diligent to avoid repeating his mother’s descent into self-destruction, was on the brink of disaster.
Zane was so sick with worry that he couldn’t bear to be around him. He’s already lived through his father’s addiction.
Although Connor and Ty didn’t have the type of relationship where they confided in each other, our burly bassist often protected him when he was inebriated.
On the other hand, hours of my time had been spent dealing with the fallout on social media.
We rode in silence for a while.
“Fuck. I think I need to talk to someone.” Ty’s admission surprised me, although it shouldn’t have, his self-awareness had always been astute when he actually focused on it.
“Who? Like a counselor?”
“Maybe? Look, I know I’m acting out. I don’t want to be like my mom, and just listening to myself—Fuck, that’s exactly who I’m becoming.” Ty’s voice was barely audible, but I heard him loud and clear.
I had hoped for a breakthrough and now that it was happening, didn’t want to interrupt.
“It’s exactly who I’m becoming,” Ty repeated. His blue eyes were haunted as we pulled up to the hotel.
“My brother, you just need to be yourself. You can turn this around.” I clamped my hand on his shoulder. “I’m always here if you need to talk. We all are.”
“Yeah.” Ty squinted at me. “Thanks.”
“When you’re ready. Love you, man.” I patted his back.
Ty’s puzzled expression took me by surprise.
“I do love you. You’re my brother. And an amazingly strong man. You’ve endured a shitty childhood with grace. Your ability to craft a song from your life experience is masterful. Your voice is what makes us a band. You’re a great friend, loyal and kind. I’m lucky that you’re in my life.” Words poured out of me, which was so unusual because I wasn’t ordinarily a sentimental type. “I’m here for you, always.”
His eyes welled but, in an instant, he sniffed the tears away and let out a heavy breath to compose himself.
“I’m going to do my best to live up to that, Jace.” Ty’s deep voice was strong and firm. Then he shot me a wry smile before fixing his expression into his stage persona when he got out of the car.
Before I could get out, he popped his head back through the door and winked. “But, not tonight.”
LIMITLESS: A Less Than Zero Rockstar Romance: Book 2: Jace & Alex Page 12