Damaged & Off Limits Books 5--6

by C. C. Piper

  Yet, I believed I was to blame. I felt guilty, and I couldn’t get past it. Was my presence in Alaina’s life what had caused her to be endangered in the first place? Was I jinxed or cursed to cause my loved ones nothing but premature death or pain?

  These were the questions I pondered as I sat behind the wheel of my Escalade and peered out at the Calvary Cemetery grounds. I’d parked off the shoulder and eyed the sweeping paved entrance and short stone walls that bookended it. I didn’t know how long I’d been sitting here like this, but finally, I took my foot off the brake and eased into the cemetery proper.

  Except for the graveside service over seven years ago, I hadn’t ever set foot here. And I’d felt so numb and drained that day that my memories of it were flawed and indistinct.

  I pushed out of my SUV and began wandering slowly among the gravestones. I saw many names there, surnames seen often in Washington state like Smith, Jones, and Davis, as well as some more unique ones like Zatinski, Villanueva, and Marcovia.

  I wasn’t sure how long I’d been meandering around when I came across the headstone I’d actively been seeking. King. The stone was one of those that encompassed the gravesites of both my mother and my father, as is often the case with married couples. Whatever may or may not be true about the afterlife, at least the remains of my folks would be together forever.

  Now that I’d located it, I took stock of my surroundings. It was the first week of March and while the climate still had this chilly crispness to it, I could see a few early signs of spring. While many of the tree branches remained bare, some had been populated with buds. The grass beneath me squished audibly when I moved; it felt spongy and gave off the fragrance of damp soil.

  Above their graves, a tree showcased long pink buds about to bloom. It was a cherry tree, and I knew in a couple of weeks or so, it would blossom into something resembling the pink fluff of cotton candy.

  When I was a kid, my parents and I would amble along the waterfront together, taking in the sights. They always bought me cotton candy swirled around a tube of paper. Although I hadn’t had that stuff in year, I could still remember the taste of all that spun sugar. I could also still remember being tiny enough that I had to look way up to see their faces, and both of those faces would be smiling at me.

  Always.

  And for some reason, that was the memory that did it.

  Sobs erupted out of me all at once, like my sorrow had been placed against a hair-trigger that had now been set off. I’d been antsy and at loose ends for the past several days, but today, I’d felt compelled to drive over here. As years of pent-up anguish and guilt poured out of me, though, I began to understand.

  This had been a long time coming.

  I’d refused to visit because somewhere deep in my psyche I’d known this would happen. That every vestige of my control would vanish as my misery and feelings of loss took me over. I’d feared that all this grief rising to surface would forever trap me in a pit of despair.

  But the longer I sat there, the less trapped I felt.

  I wound up slumped on my ass right there on the ground in my coat, jeans, sweatshirt and tennis shoes. Today I was dressed more like the college boy I’d once been rather than the successful attorney I’d become.

  It felt strange since I’d been living in expensively-tailored suits for what seemed like an eternity. I’d purposely dressed down because the only other time I’d been here, I was in a solid black suit I now kept at the back of my closet. I’d worn it to Sophia’s funeral, as well.

  I never wanted to wear it again.

  I’d taken off from work for over a week now. I wasn’t fit to saunter in there in my present state. And after everything that had transpired at the hospital, I wasn’t even sure if my name would still be emblazoned over the entrance of the firm or not. Funnily enough, the prospect of losing my position didn’t bother me nearly as much as I expected it to.

  As my weeping calmed into something quieter and more sedate, a sense of peace settled over me. I’d had this half-visualized image in my head of asking my parents these questions out loud, but now I realized I wouldn’t have to do that after all. They were here with me just like I was here with them, and literal words were unnecessary. Still, the questions in my mind rose to the surface like bubbles of oxygen spouting from the floor of the sea.

  Had I lost too much to ever feel whole again?

  Was I doomed to wreak havoc on the lives of those I loved?

  Was I destined to watch everyone I cared about die, one right after the other?

  Would I continue to hurt Alaina because I was just too broken to take the risk of committing to the love I felt for her?

  The answers floated into my brain, not as specific replies but as more of a general awareness. I sat there for hours, absorbing the tranquility of nature around me. It was hard to explain, but somehow, my parents had comforted me, even though I knew that didn’t make any sort of logical sense. I stood up as the sun began to set, watching as the sky became streaked with purple, gold, pink and orange as it descended down toward the horizon.

  Using my key fob to click open the Escalade’s locks, I folded myself into my driver’s seat and rolled out of the serene cemetery grounds and into the Seattle traffic. Though physically wrung out, I felt better than I had in years.

  Taking a deep breath, I pulled my cell out of my glove compartment where it’d been charging. I’d shut it down completely right after Andy had cleaned my clock, unable to deal with the consequences of my actions. I powered it back on. I’d needed a few days to myself to process everything, but now it was time to go back to those I’d wronged. I would face the music, come what may.

  As I pulled in, my heart stuttered a little to see Andy’s Maserati in the space adjacent to mine. He was home, which likely meant another confrontation was coming my way. But I got out anyway. I wasn’t going to renege on my responsibilities. I refused to be a chickenshit anymore.

  I went to knock on his door when my phone rang. The ringtone sounded obnoxiously loud to me even though it was on its usual setting. Maybe going a week without it had made me twice as sensitive to the sound. I retrieved my cell, noticing that the screen said Andy. With trepidation slicing into my gut, I picked it up.

  “Andy?”

  “I’m on your couch, asshole. Get over here.” Then, he disconnected.

  Well, that was succinct and to the point.

  Feeling like the condemned heading toward the gallows, I went into my townhouse to meet with the man who’d both bashed my nose and eyes in and been my best friend for as long as I could remember.

  “You look like hell,” my best bud – or was it former best bud? – told me the second he laid eyes on his own handiwork.

  “Yes,” I agreed, though I’d deliberately avoided looking at myself in the mirror lately. My right eye had been swollen completely shut anyway at first.

  “Broke your nose, didn’t I?”

  “And blacked each of my eyes, though the bruising is mostly gone now. You gonna do it again?”

  “You think I should?”

  “Maybe,” I answered, wanting to be honest, and he chuckled even though his features remained rigid.

  “You’re a real piece of work, aren’t you? Sleeping with my baby sister…” He hauled himself off my couch and went pacing across the carpet. “I want to strangle you, but I guess I’ve done enough damage for now.”

  I merely waited there in my living room like a felon counting the minutes until the judge’s verdict.

  He scrubbed his hands down his cheeks as if he didn’t know what to do with himself. “Where the fuck you been, Mason?”

  “Mostly here. I’ve also been driving around the city. Today I went to the cemetery.”

  “The ceme… You mean that cemetery? Seriously?” For the most fleeting of instants, I caught a flash of my best friend, the guy who gave a damn about my wellbeing.

  “Yeah.”

  We went silent after that. The only sound I heard was my anxiou
s heartbeat and the soft snick of his shoes as he continued to pace. I watched him as his movements became progressively more agitated again.

  “Alaina’s been asking for you.” He was clenching and unclenching his fists.

  “Oh?”

  “Yes, motherfucker. For reasons that are a mystery to me, she misses you. Says she loves you.”

  “I know you don’t want to hear this, but I love her, too, Andy. I’m in love with her.”

  “Got a really shitty way of showing it, though, don’t you?” he challenged me, and my own anger lit up like a rocket.

  “Yes,” I bit out, though most of my irritation was aimed squarely at myself. “Yes, I do. I know I fucked up, okay? I didn’t handle any of this correctly because I didn’t want to disappoint you or your family, which I ended up doing anyway. And I hurt Alaina, which makes me the bastard of the century. I was wrong to go about this under your noses, all right? And I’m seriously fucking sorry!”

  My breath sawed in and out of me raggedly, and my pulse raced so rapidly I felt lightheaded, but at least I’d said what I needed to say.

  Andy sighed and quit pacing. “You’re such a goddamn idiot,” he said, but without heat. He sounded like him again. He sounded like my best bro’.

  “So you forgive me?”

  “Oh, hell, no! I can’t even think about that until you fix things with my sister.”

  “Think that’s still possible?” I asked him, and he clapped me none too gently on the back, the same old Andy gleam in his eye.

  “Only one way to find out.”

  19

  Alaina

  When I woke, I glanced up at the whiteboard they kept in my room and noted the date. Eleven days. I’d been in here for eleven days, even though I had no recollection of the first two and only vaguely remembered the third and fourth. I’d been making a lot of noise about when I’d be released, but the only thing they kept telling me was that I wasn’t yet ready. It made me yearn to climb out the window, declaring to the world at large, “Here I go, ready or not!”

  Unfortunately, I wasn’t quite healed enough for that. And even when I left here, I wouldn’t be going straight home. I had six weeks at a skilled nursing facility to look forward to as I learned to walk again without listing to one side and worked to redevelop the motor skills of my left hand. This was thanks to the type of concussion I’d experienced and the multiple breaks and torn ligaments inside my hand.

  Yay, me.

  “Buttercup’s awake,” my big brother announced as he traipsed over the threshold into my room.

  “Awake and raring to go home.”

  He pursed his lips. “I know. Everybody wants you home, too. But I do have some good news.”

  “You brought me a hot fudge sundae?”

  “Afraid not, though I can. I did bring you a visitor, though.” Andy sat beside me in that hard-plastic chair and took a hold of my good hand.

  I glanced at the open doorway without getting my hopes up. There were two people I wanted to see. One was the doctor who could sign my release papers. The other, though it was probably imbecilic of me, was the man I loved.

  But that wasn’t going to happen. I had to take Mason’s disappearance as the sign it clearly was. He didn’t want me. If you wanted someone, you stayed. You worked on the relationship. You committed to it, no matter how complicated it might be. He wasn’t willing to, and though admitting that to myself ripped my heart into millions of teeny tiny pieces, I knew it was time I accepted it.

  A man stood over my threshold, a man who looked like Mason. I rubbed at my eyes, hating that they were playing tricks on me. I must be having a hallucination. I did have a concussion after all. But then that hallucination spoke.

  “Hey, B.C.”

  It was the voice who’d shared anecdotes with me as well as limitless jokes. It was the voice I’d heard groaning in pleasure as we had quickie upon quickie in his office. It was the voice of the man who’d told me he loved me.

  Right before he hightailed it out of here like his feet were on fire. And I remembered something else, too. The party. That godforsaken party!

  And all of a sudden, I was on fire, too. I was blazing to life with fury and righteous indignation.

  “Finally deigned to grace me with your presence, huh?” I snapped at him, my tone venomous.

  “I’m sorry, Alaina. So very sorry,” he said, his voice almost a whisper.

  “Yeah, well, I’m sorry, too. In fact, I have a whole laundry list of apologies. I’m sorry I was your dirty little secret. I’m sorry I caught up with you just as you were getting a blowjob at that country club party. I’m sorry-”

  “What?” Mason held up his hand, cutting me off. “You were there?”

  “Yes. I was upset and snuck in to check up on you. And as soon as I found you, I overheard my dear brother here talking about how you were getting blown in the restroom by some skank.”

  Andy’s eyes became huge in his face before he averted his gaze altogether.

  “I lied,” Mason said with all the authenticity of a sinner at confession.

  “Yeah, I know you lied to me.”

  “No, Alaina, I lied to Andy. Well, it was more like I put on a little show for him. I asked Holly…” He trailed off as I shot daggers when he dared to mention the whore’s name. “I asked this girl I met to pretend we were going to go hook up in the bathroom. But it was all a farce. She went in there with me to get some legal advice on how to deal with her douchey ex-husband. She’s going through a divorce. I needed Andy to believe I was having a good time.”

  “But I wasn’t about to betray you,” he continued. “I would never do that. It was bad enough that I asked you to hide our relationship. I love you too much to ever hurt you like that.”

  Tears filled my ears and spilled down my cheeks, and annoyed at showing any weakness, I brushed them away. “You did hurt me, though. And it was worse than cheating. Worse than anything Auggie ever did to me. Because I love you so much more than I did him, and you left me. You left me here in this damn hospital to rot.”

  “No,” Mason exclaimed. His eyes, though puffy, no longer looked bruised as he rushed to my side. Perhaps my brother felt crowded or maybe he didn’t want to bear witness to our moment of private drama, but he stood.

  “I’ll be right down the hall if you need me, buttercup.” Then, I heard his footsteps fading away.

  “I didn’t leave you here to rot, B.C., I promise. I left because I was fucked up, okay? I had to go get my head on straight. Before you came to, I lived in mortal terror of you dying. I felt like there was some horrible dark cloud over me, condemning anyone I loved to death. I thought maybe I’d condemned you to that fate, and once you woke up and I saw that you were going to be alright, I had to deal with all that crap swimming around my brain.”

  His voice was rough and emotional, and I realized that I hadn’t been the only one struggling over the past few days.

  “I went to visit my folks,” he said, softly. “Over at Calvary Cemetery. I’d never been able to do it before, but after messing everything up with you, I needed some clarity.”

  “Did it give you that clarity?” I asked him, feeling more sympathy for him than I really wanted to. “Did seeing them help?”

  One side of his mouth quirked up, even though his eyes seemed redder and shinier than they had a minute ago. “It did. I realized that I’ve been living my life feeling guilty and expecting the worst to happen. That’s the mistake I made with you, too. I found this enchanting, brilliant woman who was my match in every way, and I was terrified of losing you. Scared shitless, really.”

  His voice hitched, making him pause before he could go on. “I-I honestly thought I didn’t want to tell the world about us because of your family, but that wasn’t it. Yes, I wasn’t looking forward to pissing them off, but so what? You’re more important to me that my partnership. You’re even more important to me that my friendship with Andy, though I hoped it wouldn’t come to that. I didn’t see it at the tim
e, but I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

  His eyes were full of remorse, and as I watched him, a single tear fell alongside his now off-set nose. Raising my hand, I wiped it away as I spoke. “And then I was involved in a car accident.”

  “Yeah.” His breath hitched again. “I-I’m just so goddamn glad you’re alive. I love you so much, and I’ll do anything to show you I’m ready to be the man you need me to be. Anything.”

  And at that point, I’d had enough. My tears started flowing again, which meant we were both injured and both crying. Lord. “All I need right now is for you to do one thing.”

  “What?”

  I yanked on his shirt until he leaned over me, then when I had him where I wanted him, I tilted my head toward his. Cottoning on, he slanted his lips over mine, concluding our conversation with a kiss. Something altered inside of me when he did. The broken shards of my heart began to coalesce and mend. And for the first time since Mason and I got together, I felt a surge of real hope that we would be strong enough to last.

  Of course, that was when my brother chose to poke his nose back into my room.

  “Everything okay in here?” I heard Andy’s voice. But neither Mason or I was willing to break apart. So the next thing we heard was a sigh. “Oh, guess you two worked it out, then.”

  Gradually, we shifted so that our foreheads were touching rather than our lips. He looked into my eyes, and I looked into his, and the smiles we each gave one another were so full of love and tenderness that I knew we’d be okay. Especially when Mason and I answered my brother in unison.

  “Guess so.”

  Epilogue

  Eight Months Later

  Mason

  “Let’s see it, B.C.” I called as I changed into fancier attire. The love of my life was in our expansive walk-in closet, trying on the dress I’d gifted her a few minutes ago. I threw a sideways glance at our king-sized bed, half-tempted to ignore our dinner plans in favor of another naked romp. But it was her twenty-second birthday, and we had places to be.