by Kim Nash
‘I think now is the right time for me to get a dog. I have plenty of time on my hands and I’m at home most of the day so they wouldn’t get left on their own much.
So, number one – get a dog!’ Samantha started to scribble.
‘Number two – Salsa dancing. Get it on the list. I’ve always fancied that. I’ll get pre-dinner drinks sorted,’ said Fiona, sashaying her way towards the kitchen and clicking away at imaginary maracas. ‘Everyone OK with G&T?’
There were approving nods all round.
‘Wouldn’t I feel an idiot going on my own though?’ Samantha asked.
‘The idea is that you go alone, so that you meet people. You need some new friends in your life. It might take a bit of courage at first, but surely there’ll be other people in the same boat,’ Debs added. ‘I wish we lived nearer each other. I’d come with you. I could do with this list myself.’
Samantha added ‘salsa lessons’ to the list. ‘We’ll make a list for you too, Debs, before we go home,’ she said.
‘Ooh, ooh! Find a book club. You love reading. Watch that film on the TV with all the old stars who had a book club for over eighteen years and met up whatever happened. They had a whale of a time,’ Liv suggested.
‘I did look online but couldn’t find one.’
‘Well, start one then. Find a local café that might be interested in hosting one and then they can advertise it too.’
Samantha scribbled furiously in her notepad.
‘I love that idea. I never even thought about starting one. What a nana I am.’
‘A friend of mine did that four years ago. They’re still together now and have become a really close group of friends. They have book club at a local café once a month, then meet up halfway through the month for a curry night, and they have days out shopping and even weekends away. It’s hard at any time of your life to make friends, I think, so a group of like-minded people is great for friendship.’
Liv became animated as another idea popped into her head. ‘Going back to the dog idea, you could get a rescue dog rather than a puppy, because let me tell you, I love my Hector, but puppies are bloody hard work. Nearly as much hard work as having a newborn baby. Oh, and you could join a local dog club. One of the single mums at school was talking about this recently and said that even though it’s supposed to be all about the dogs socialising with each other, it’s more about the dog owners, who have tons in common. They even go for group walks every fortnight too and sometimes have nights out without the dogs. That would definitely get you meeting new people and getting you out and about.’ Liv smiled. ‘Hector honestly is my best friend.’
‘I really like that idea, Liv. I could start looking online to see if there are any rescue shelters locally. They might even like me to help out. I bet they’re always looking for volunteers.’
‘Put it on the list. Go dogging.’
Fiona laughed as she came back with four huge balloon glasses nearly overflowing. The aroma of fresh lemon was divine. ‘Did I hear someone mention dogging? I hear it’s quite popular over Cannock Chase. I picked the lemon off the tree myself, by the way.’ The aroma of fresh lemon was divine. ‘Oh, Sam, look at your face.’
‘What’s wrong with my face, you cheeky cow?’ Samantha bristled and squared her shoulders.
Fiona laughed. ‘Nothing bad, darling. Your face is all lit up with happiness. When you came down you were full of doom and gloom and now your eyes are all sparkling with possibility and opportunity.’
‘Oh, that’s OK then!’ Samantha laughed.
Fiona gave her shoulder a squeeze as she walked past.
‘It’s lovely to see, Sam. I was a bit worried about you. I know how easy it is to get stuck in a rut. The more you don’t go out and about, the less you want to do it.’
‘Oh girls, what would I do without you?’ Samantha said. ‘I really have missed you all, you know. This trip is making me realise just how much.’
‘Well, you might not say that when we’ve got further down the list. We’ve only just started.’ Debs laughed and for some reason a snort came out, which made everyone fall about in a fit of the giggles. ‘Laughing is so good for the soul. Coming away with you guys has made me realise that I haven’t had a good laugh for a long time. You’re like a breath of fresh air in my life. Since Dave went, I haven’t laughed properly.’
‘If you ask me, Debs, you didn’t laugh that much with Dave in your later years of being married. You always used to moan about him when we spoke on the phone. Perhaps you’re remembering something that wasn’t really true. I remember it happening to me when I took Mum back to look at a house we used to live in. In my mind, it was a wonderful place which held some fabulous memories, and it was a big house which was really pretty, but when we went past it, it wasn’t how I remembered it at all, and it looked tatty and unloved,’ Fiona said. ‘Perhaps it’s time to stop blaming Dave for the things that aren’t right in your life and start making your own luck and your own future.’
‘Well, thanks for your wisdom, Oprah.’ Debs laughed good-naturedly, but Sam saw a look on Debs’ face that suggested what Fiona had said had hurt, even if, as Sam suspected, Debs knew it was the truth.
‘What about holidays?’ Fiona said to Sam, refocusing her attention. ‘You could look at going on a singles holiday. You were only saying when we were talking about coming away here that you’d love to take more holidays but didn’t really have anyone to go with. This might be a great opportunity for you.’
‘Can’t do that if I’m having a dog, though, unless I can find someone to look after them. Although I suppose there’re kennels and pet sitters around.’
‘Oh, that’s easily sorted. Brenda was telling me that there is a singer that goes into the care home where Mum is at the moment, who also runs a doggy daycare and kennel place with her friend. I know it would be a decent drive from yours, but I know any dog would be well looked after. And there are all sorts of people around who might look after a dog, if it was a well-behaved one. At least that way you could still go on holidays.’
‘It’s definitely something to look into. There are so many places in the world that I’d still love to go to that. Perhaps I just need to have some company, without actually going on holiday with someone, if that makes sense.’
‘I’ve just had another great idea.’ Liv’s eyes sparkled. ‘Why don’t you start a blog? There must be loads of people who feel the same way as you and you could try all these things out and then blog about it. Share your experiences to help and inspire others. Sometimes you can even get people to sponsor a blog and make some money from it too. I had a friend who was a travel blogger once and she got loads of press trips because the public want word-of-mouth endorsements these days rather than advertisements. She even got to go on some cruise holidays. And there are magazines who would pay you to write features about the places you visit. You always used to love writing and you were also really good at it. Why don’t you mix your love of writing with travel and blogging? You’d be brilliant at it. You could get some holidays in the UK that were dog friendly and maybe some which were abroad, and have the best of both worlds.’ Liv was on a roll. She loved helping others with ideas.
‘OMG, that’s a fab idea.’ Fiona jumped up. ‘I could help you set up a blog. I used to look after the website for the school before I packed it all in to look after Mum. We could even do it while we’re here. Did anyone bring a laptop?’
‘Yep, I brought mine,’ Samantha said. ‘I didn’t want to tell any of you in case you thought I was mad, but I’ve got lots of things I’m bidding on, on eBay.’ She felt ashamed that she was buying stuff she didn’t need again. It had started to become a bit of an obsession, if truth be told, which she needed to clamp down on before it got out of hand. But she wasn’t ready to admit that to anyone just yet. Perhaps if she had some other things to focus on, then this fascination with buying mindless crap to give her a temporary high might stop.
‘This is so exciting.’ Samantha’s
eyes twinkled and she grinned widely, imagining how this could take off. ‘But am I not too old for this?’
‘God, no! There must be so many people in the same boat as you who would love to read how you conquered your fear of doing things on your own and how you’ve made new friends and changed your life. You are never too old to change things in your life for the better. I just love the thought of this.’ Liv was excited for her.
Samantha loved the idea of starting a blog. Wouldn’t it be fabulous if someone else changed their life, because she inspired them? For what seemed like the first time in ages, Samantha was starting to get a fluttery feeling in her tummy. The stirrings of excitement. The promise of a future. Instead of her life being over, perhaps it was just the start of a whole new chapter.
‘So what about you now then, Liv?’
Liv looked at the three faces staring at her, but particularly at Debs who had directed the question at her.
‘What about me?’ She stuck out her chin.
‘You keep making quips about how Hector is the only one who isn’t demanding of you. Are you happy with your lot in life?’
‘Oh, my story will wait until another night. I’m fine, ladies. Nothing that a few days away with you gorgeous lot won’t sort out. How about you, Fiona? How are things in your life?’
Fiona frowned. ‘I don’t want to talk about my life right now. I’ve come away to forget all about how crappy my life is.’
‘Why, Fiona? Why is it so bad? You can tell us. Perhaps if you share, it might make you feel better,’ said Liv.
‘Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you. I’ll give it a go, but don’t think I haven’t noticed you changing the subject, Liv. We will get back to you. Without a doubt.’ She pointed two fingers towards Debs’ eyes, then back at her own eyes and back to Debs again, and they all laughed. It would only stop Liv fending off the questions for the time being, though. ‘We’ve finally had Mum’s diagnosis and she’s going rapidly downhill. Sometimes she remembers who I am, sometimes she doesn’t. I’m her only daughter. It breaks my heart. My Mum is my favourite person in the whole world, she was the best mother to me that I could have wished for. Everything I took for granted on a daily basis in the past, and everything I’ve ever known, has been smashed to smithereens.’ Her voice wobbled.
‘Oh, darling. Can you get any help?’ Samantha rubbed Fiona’s shoulder.
‘We are getting there but it’s a very slow process. She’s been going to a local dementia centre and spending the odd day there. But she hates me leaving her there and says they’re all nasty to her. Yet when I ask the people how she’s been, they tell me that she’s had a ball and has been laughing and enjoying getting involved in their craft afternoons, and that she really enjoys the singer who comes in, and sings along to everything.’
‘I saw a fabulous programme on the TV recently with that lovely girl Vicky McClure,’ said Samantha. ‘All about how singing in a choir is therapeutic for dementia patients. Perhaps there’s a group nearby you could take her to. It also amazed me how it’s not always old people who get dementia, which is something I’d always thought. There was a really young lad on it. It was heart-breaking. But Vicky was amazing. She’d got involved because of her Nanna and she wanted to raise awareness and help others. You should see if it’s on catch-up on the TV. It really was a fabulous programme. Taught me an awful lot. It might give you some ideas for your mum too.’
‘I’ll definitely look into that, Samantha, thank you. It’s a fab idea. She’s staying at a home this week while I’m away. An absolutely lovely lady called Brenda is the manager. I met her at a support group I’ve been taking Mum to lately. Again, singing and dancing is at the heart of it all. She is just so lovely.’ Fiona smiled as she thought about how kind and sympathetic to both herself and her mum Brenda had been. ‘She’s really made a special effort to make sure Mum is looked after this week. She thinks that I should put Mum in there more often, for some respite, but I feel so guilty doing that.’
She pressed her hand to her chest. ‘Brenda also thinks that I should consider the fact that, at some stage, it might be better for Mum to live there permanently, but I don’t think either of us are ready for that quite yet.’ A tear trickled down Fiona’s cheek. ‘Sometimes I get so frustrated with her and then I feel really guilty too. She can’t help any of it. It all makes me so very sad.’
‘It must be so hard for you, but perhaps she’s right, Fiona. It’s an awful lot for you to manage on your own. And these are professionals who are trained to look after folks with this condition. Sometimes as a family member you are just too close, and outsiders who don’t have the emotional ties that you have would do things differently and do what’s best for the relative. I’m not saying that you don’t do what’s best for your Mum, darling, but these people know the right way to handle things and they don’t get emotional because they’re not attached in the same way that you are.’
Samantha’s voice was soothing and she was talking a lot of sense. It made Fiona feel that perhaps there was another view and that maybe she should take a step back from the emotion of it all. She didn’t want her mum to go into a home permanently right now, but she did know that her life was exhausting as a full-time carer and it would only get worse as time went on and this awful illness took even more of a hold.
She’d started hiding the house keys recently, as goodness only knows what would happen if her mum could get out when she wasn’t being watched. Only last week Fiona had gone to the toilet and when she came back couldn’t find her mum anywhere. She scoured the house and eventually went out the front to find her mum sitting in the car, looking at the set of car keys in her hand and saying that she couldn’t remember what to do with them. Thank goodness Fiona had found her when she did, or it could have been a million times worse. Her blood pressure was sky high and her doctor had told her she needed to get it under control or she’d be too ill to look after her mum at all.
‘I know you’re right, Samantha. I just have to get my head round it. Brenda tells me that I need to get back to being Mum’s daughter, rather than her carer, and make some special memories for us both – more for me, really, as Mum won’t even remember most of them. She said we should have days out where we do lovely things together. She says I should work with dementia and embrace it, not try to fight it, and that I must also have a life of my own.’
‘Brenda sounds like a very sensible person,’ said Liv.
‘She’s a real gem.’
Liv knew they’d need to be chatting further to Fiona over the next day or so, but felt that she had unburdened herself enough for this evening. It was time to lift everyone’s spirits a little.
‘Is it time for another gin yet, ladies?’ she asked.
‘What a ridiculous question. It’s always time for another gin.’
They laughed and held up empty glasses and encouraged Fiona to mix another round as she’d done such a sterling job with the first one.
Fiona stumbled into the kitchen laughing and Debs followed her through. She decided she’d better put some crisps, nuts and olives on the table before they were all too sloshed to enjoy the evening. Debs made a mental note to quiz Liv again later. She was too good at avoiding questions and diverting them to focus on others instead.
Debs had a feeling that all was not OK in the Pemberton household. She would get to the bottom of it before this holiday was over if it killed her.
She shoved a handful of crisps into her mouth when she thought no one was watching, before taking the tray of snacks through to the lounge area. She didn’t realise that Fiona was right behind her, so when Fiona spoke to her, she sprayed crisps everywhere and started to cough, going bright red in the face when one got stuck going down the wrong way! Liv jumped up and gave her a good thump on the back when she saw that she was struggling to breathe and grabbed a G&T from Fiona’s tray, which Debs swiftly necked in one go.
‘Christ, Debs. Steady on, girl! It might look like water but it isn’t.’ Liv gave D
ebs a good hard pat on the back.
‘Don’t worry about me, Liv. I can handle my booze! That I do know.’
As Debs had practically passed out again that afternoon around the pool, Liv doubted that very much! She was quite worried about the amount of alcohol Debs drank. Liv wasn’t a huge drinker. She didn’t need a drink to enjoy herself and because of that was pretty much always the one who drove so that George could have a drink. In fact, these days he didn’t even offer, he just assumed that she’d drive. How times had changed.
Seventeen
‘So, are we all ready?’
Liv glanced at Debs, who felt, and knew she probably looked, a little worse for wear. She didn’t really want to go to the market, so she asked if they’d mind if she stayed behind.
‘Of course we don’t, hon. This is your holiday too. I hope you’re feeling better later.’
The other three got into the taxi and waved goodbye.
Grabbing an orange juice from the fridge, she pulled a sunbed round to face the sun. That was vitamins C and D sorted for today. She hadn’t slept particularly well, tossing and turning, alternating between heartburn and night sweats, so she just wanted to chill out, read and sleep, not be traipsing around a market in the heat.
After an hour of lying in the red-hot sun on the terrace, she decided that she needed to cool down. She’d been dying to get in that gorgeous pool since they’d arrived, but hadn’t wanted to do that in front of the others. This might be the only opportunity she got.
She stripped off her sundress down to her costume, and sat on the side of the pool to get used to the cool temperature of the water before lowering herself into it. She gave a little gasp at how cold it was before lowering her shoulders underneath but once she was in, it actually felt really refreshing. Invigorated by the water, she was annoyed with herself for not doing this when the others had. Her insecurities about her weight had stopped her doing something she really enjoyed, and she realised now how daft it was. She was determined that she wasn’t going to let that happen again. Perhaps it really was time that she took this situation in hand.